Tips for the Newly Single?

[JL123]

Hi there,

First, thank you all for your stories and support.

I am newly single...and there are a few areas I am having some issues dealing with. I'll give a brief background.

Married a little over 10 years, have one child that is 7. Marriage had its ups and downs and over the last 5 years, went downhill due to many challenges - work stress, frequent travel for work, break down in communication, pregnancy loss, dysfunctional parents on both sides, passive aggressive and controlling behavior from H, etc. I made the poor choice to have an affair with a married man that lasted 7 months.

Now, my husband and I separated and have filed for divorce. The affair is also over. Please do not lecture me on the affair, I know my choices were not the right ones and I am dealing with that.

 

Here are the areas that I am struggling and would ask for your advice, if you too have dealt with any of these issues and found good ways to manage through:

• Social Outlets:
  

I have always been a very social person. I love being around people and getting out and enjoying the outdoors, sporting events, new restaurants, good food, etc. On the weekends when I do not have my child with me, it is very lonely. Most of my social circles are "couple" in nature and all my friends are busy doing "husband/wife/family" outings. I feel like I have this new freedom and want to get out and explore life, enjoy the spring weather, but I am longing for great conversation, someone to spend time with. I am not looking for a serious relationship, just good company. All of my closest girlfriends are chasing their kids around and as much as they would love to get away with me, they just can't.

Are there any social networks or groups for people like me that are looking to me like-people?

 

• Dealing with Family:
  

Everyone keeps telling me that I "just need to be alone" for awhile. I don't want to be alone! I am not looking to be in another relationship for awhile, but I don't want to sit around and pout either!

Also, I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that my in-laws, who I was very close with, have not spoken to me since my husband and I separated. I realize they are angry that I would have cheated on their son, but they have no idea what their son put me through. I know my actions are not excusable, but I am upset that they would cut the mother of their grandchild out of their lives.

 

• Therapy:
  

I have been to my therapist. She tells me that I am doing great has basically said that she feels I do not need therapy right now, that she feels bad taking my money. It is true that I am intuitive enough to know WHY I made the choices I made, HOW my marriage got to the point it did, WHAT I did wrong, WHAT my husband did wrong. Also, when I go, I no longer cry, I do feel like I am not accomplishing much. I don't feel like a weight is lifted like I used to....

BUT, I feel like I want ANSWERS. And I know therapy cannot give me the answers that I am looking for.

So

do I need a new therapist? Do I not need therapy right now? Go when I have a mental breakdown? Is one coming?

 

So that is where I am. It's a holiday weekend, I don't have my son, I'm bored...the house is clean, the weather is beautiful. All my friends are either out of town or doing family things. I am itching to do SOMETHING but feeling pretty lame going out alone - AGAIN.

Hopeful you all have some good tips. If not, I feel better just putting it out there.

[tojaz]

• Social Outlets:
  

I have always been a very social person. I love being around people and getting out and enjoying the outdoors, sporting events, new restaurants, good food, etc. On the weekends when I do not have my child with me, it is very lonely. Most of my social circles are "couple" in nature and all my friends are busy doing "husband/wife/family" outings. I feel like I have this new freedom and want to get out and explore life, enjoy the spring weather, but I am longing for great conversation, someone to spend time with. I am not looking for a serious relationship, just good company. All of my closest girlfriends are chasing their kids around and as much as they would love to get away with me, they just can't.

Are there any social networks or groups for people like me that are looking to me like-people?

These days there is a network for pretty much everyone. A quick search of Craigslist yielded a number of people in my area in a similar situation, and I'

m

sure the same holds true in DC, unfortunately for every seemingly sincere posting, there are 5 questionable ones

so

proceed with caution. A better alternative might be Meetup.Com, a collection of local groups in your area for just about any interest from church groups to doomsday survivalists. There's no fee to join a group and no real requirements. If you don't find one you like you can even make your own for a small fee. I've both joined a group (Photography) and started one (Divorce survivors) with good results on both counts.

Dealing with Family:

Also, I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that my in-laws, who I was very close with, have not spoken to me since my husband and I separated. I realize they are angry that I would have cheated on their son, but they have no idea what their son put me through. I know my actions are not excusable, but I am upset that they would cut the mother of their grandchild out of their lives.

Time, Time, and more Time! It's a lot to ask for the in-laws to stay chummy with you this early on, they have a right to be angry, but they are also invested in acting as a support system for your husband and that's as it should be, he's going to need them. As for them hearing what he put you through, don't bother trying to explain, there's just a lot of deaf ears and blank stares down that road. For the time being your just going to have to ride it out and not try and force anything, most likely once the dust has settled there will be a place for you again, although maybe not as close as you would like it to be.

Therapy:I have been to my therapist. She tells me that I am doing great has basically said that she feels I do not need therapy right now, that she feels bad taking my money. It is true that I am intuitive enough to know WHY I made the choices I made, HOW my marriage got to the point it did, WHAT I did wrong, WHAT my husband did wrong. Also, when I go, I no longer cry, I do feel like I am not accomplishing much. I don't feel like a weight is lifted like I used to....BUT, I feel like I want ANSWERS. And I know therapy cannot give me the answers that I am looking for. So do I need a new therapist? Do I not need therapy right now? Go when I have a mental breakdown? Is one coming?

It sounds like your keeping it together pretty well so I don't think a breakdown is eminent. If you feel like you hit a wall in therapy it might be good to take a break or widen the time between visits so you can process all the new information and nail down what answers your looking for so you can go back and ask the right questions. Shift from it being therapy for coping with divorce to just a tool for self exploration.

So that is where I am. It's a holiday weekend, I don't have my son, I'm bored...the house is clean, the weather is beautiful. All my friends are either out of town or doing family things. I am itching to do SOMETHING but feeling pretty lame going out alone - AGAIN.Hopeful you all have some good tips. If not, I feel better just putting it out there.

Get out and enjoy the weather!

TOJAZ

Edited May 24, 2014 by tojaz

[d0nnivain]

It's going to take a while to reinvent your social circle.

 

Start with your existing friends & at least wheedle 1 night per month out of them for girl time.

 

Now you have to build new single GF's to hang out with. Try MeetUp.com for something that intersts you. It doesn't have to be social or geared toward dating. You are looking for stuff to do.

 

Get involved in a group that does something you care about. Whether it's the PTA for your kids, politics, animal rescue, sports, networking for business. . . whatever you are into and really throw yourself into it. Take on a leadership role even if it's just a committee chair. Be visible & be busy.

 

As you meet new people reach out. Invite them for coffee or a movie. Call them to chat. It won't be as easy as making friends when you were a child in school but it's possible.

[JL123]

Thanks so much! Exactly what I needed! I am forming a group on Meetup and will hopefully meet some people like me to help the situation and pass the time. This holiday weekend has been tough. I never expected it to be easy but I am tired of people saying the same old "I'm sorry" when they hear my H and I have split. Followed by weeks of no communication.

So thanks for listening and the advice!

[notbroken]

A few tips:

 

* Find an activity or two you like. The gym, bicycling, martial arts, etc. Something active and fun. Do it alot. Talk to people that are also doing the same thing. You may find a fun group to hang with.

* Exercise alot. Read alot. Listen to new music. Go to new restaurants.

* Go see places in your town you haven't been

* Take up photography or something like that

* Don't make drinking your new past time. It won't help.

* Your old 'in laws' may never come around. In their eyes you split up their son's family. You will likely never socialize with them much again - if ever. Even then you may be an outsider. It was like flicking a switch when the cheating was disclosed. They are likely 'gone' forever.

* fix up where you live

* Don't feel like a 'third wheel' when you go out with couples. You are not. They may be bored stiff and welcome an addition.

* When you are ready then date casually

* Travel somewhere you want to go.

 

You may find being single to be the best thing that has happenned to you in a long time.

[Decisiontomake]

I just wanted to chirp in here that this past three day weekend was a nightmare for me too! Weeks I'm finding OK, weekends are just basket case city - lol.

 

 

I'll look out for you on here on Saturday - we can keep each other company ;-).