Feel Crazy - Could Use Some Perspective

[gris]

(Reading through old posts here, feels like all I do is complain about him. I just don't talk to others about our relationship and sometimes you have to unload/inquire. But really, he's a saint most of the time. Supportive, providing, protective, compassionate. I don't feel like complaining about him because it seems as if I can't be pleased but I keep picking fights with him and they feel intertwined with some neuroses that I have. So, I've gotten to the bottom of some of the reasons why and I need some perspective. Here's one.)

 

Am I insane for feeling "left out," of sorts?

 

He works a lot. I work less, but still work. When I work, I do my job, small-talk my coworkers and come home. Clean up. Cook. Relax. Whatever. We just moved here last year, so my friends are minimal. I know the old thing about making friends and participating in activities to keep yourself busy, more secure, more desirable. I try, a little, but I'm mostly introverted -- I don't need nearly as much stimulation as he does.

 

He likes women. As a rule, he just likes them. And I'm okay with that. He has a lot of female friends and girls are fond of him, but he's immeasurably reassuring and very open with me, so I do my damnedest to keep my insecurities in check.

 

We're saving up to pay down debts, medical bills, for graduate school, the whole 9, so money isn't great. As a result, coworkers just kind of buy him food and stuff because that's how his work environment is. Most of the coworkers he actually spends time with are women. I'm OK with this too -- just giving you all some background.

 

To clarify: I've met all these girls, he includes me in their nighttime interactions/drinks/fun, most are single moms with strong maternal instincts, and they adore and respect me. I even go out with them periodically and keep contact with one on a near-daily basis. She's** protective of my relationship with him and I do believe (when I'm feeling especially trustworthy, anyway) she would alert me if anything went down.

 

But here's the issue: he and I never go out to do anything as just the two of us beyond bank or to the laundry room. That sounds like a whiner's complaint, but we don't. We go out with these girls sometimes to bars, he goes out to lunch/dinner/drinks with these girls on a near-daily basis (will claim it's because they'll buy his food for him), listens to them complain, is always extra chatty and fun when they are around, and (as we share my car that is mostly in my possession since I drive for my job), gets rides with them. The nature of not having a car, being conservative with money and needing to go to lunch calls for the aforementioned. I know.

 

I've brought similar things up and we always resolve it verbally (long argument followed by apologizing and admitting wrongs), but then the same pattern occurs. I can't bring it up again because I feel like he's tried to make changes in other areas to keep me happy so it seems as if (as he's said before) nothing he does can make me happy. He keeps talking about engagement rings and he's very devoted to me. I feel the same toward him but something at our cores is fundamentally different to the point where I feel like this can't be resolved.

 

Frequently tempted to eye-for-eye this crap. I'm a good looking girl, you know. Trying...to...avoid...being...so...immature.

 

I just want to feel as though I am as important as the myriad girls he hangs out with each day. I mean, I know I am: he doesn't give any of them his money, he doesn't make real sweet love to them (as far as I know), he doesn't spend every night with them or take care of them when they are in pain or move around with them.

 

But he comes home after work tired and immediately checks out, surfing the internet, smokes a little, starts studying, talks on the phone with family members, friends, and then I feel like an idiot for being excited for when he got home. I just want to play board games, go on walks, do crafts together, go out to eat. Something.

 

Maybe I'm just bored? Or maybe this is what married life would feel like and I just ain't ready for that?

 

After texting "we should go do something next week, when we're off -- maybe just walk around like we did that one time," I literally just received, "OK, but do you want to hang out with [**] tonight?"

 

I'm so torn. I feel like a terrible person for complaining when he's otherwise perfect, but I'm not a person who makes many male friends and this feels too foreign/uncomfortable to me. If I can't figure out how to fix the way I feel about this, I will rapidly detach.

 

Stats, for people who are into it:

 

early-to-mid 20s

I'm a Taurus, he's a Sag/Scorpio cusp (on the Sag side)

He's an ENFJ, I'm an INTJ

He's the youngest of a few boys, I'm the household only/oldest (much younger sister)

me drinker, writer, ambivalently-attached abuse survivor; him toker, talker, ACOA (not that these are things we haven't worked through since childhood-- shouldn't have too much of a bearing nowadays)

Edited May 24, 2014 by gris

[jwi71]

Why not ask him out for a date? Just you two.

Better yet - make reservations and take him out - dinner, drinks, shared activity...

[gris]

Oh, thank you for chiming in. Rough day. Words help.

 

I've done this, by the way -- he'll say OK and then when the time comes he'll have stayed up so late on the computer that he'll be tired, or he'll be tired after work, or we'll decide we can't spend the money. I made reservations once, went out to dinner and the entire time he was reading things on his phone while I was talking. When I commented he said, "I'm not doing anything, just reading stuff. See?" And he was.

 

...Just reading stuff.

Edited May 24, 2014 by gris