Why does everyone dump you as soon as you have a baby?

[Sugarkane]

I'm still the same person with the same interests. My school friend from last year cancelled my baby shower at the last minute and that was last year. She said she "hates children" despite never having anything to do with them. I spent 2 months in hospital this year and she didn't even contact me. She knew about all the Murphys Law BS I went through last year and struggles. All her FB posts are about her "fun" overseas trip this year with school. Pissed off.

[preraph]

Why would her posts about her fun overseas trip bother you? You sound jealous. Have you arranged time to see her without the baby in tow? That's why you lose some friends. It's partly that and partly because you're super busy and focused mainly on motherhood, which is boring to others who aren't currently mothers sometimes.

 

Since she bailed about the shower and hospital, maybe there's something else going on besides. Did she offer to give you a shower and then cancelled, or just not come to the shower. I have to tell you, me and a lot of other people avoid showers like the plague. It's not personal. They're just tedious.

[Smilecharmer]

She chose a different path and sometimes people who don't have children don't want to deal with them. Children are a lot of responsibility and they do change us. Our lives start to revolve around them if we don't have proper support. Therefore those who get away from us just don't want that lifestyle. Be happy for her, it sounds as though she is having a great life, just as you are. You two just went in different directions.

[KathyM]

It sounds like she wants to live a more carefree life and cannot relate to your situation, so she is distancing herself. Doesn't sound like much of a friend if she offers to give you a baby shower and then backs out at the last minute. No loss for you if she isn't interested in being a friend.

[tbf]

Real friends don't dump you like this. That's sad.

[preraph]

I have to say that usually it's the friend without kids who feels they've been dumped once their friend has a baby, but maybe that's not the case here. It's because they feel the person is no longer interested in anything but the baby and isn't interested in talking about the other person's interests (like that trip) and brushes off whatever they're doing as trivial compared to what they're doing, which seems very important to them but not to other people, and they often won't do anything without the baby/kids being around and sometimes can't even have a phone conversation without interference.

 

There could be more going on here, but I'd make a couple of adjustments and see if it didn't help the situation. Commit to getting a sitter one evening or day a month and schedule something far in advance of that with your friend. After the polite inquiries are over, don't keep bringing up the kid and what an experience it is raising them because that's boring to people without them and even some people with them. Don't ever put your kid on the phone with them when they call. That's very annoying. No one but a mother thinks that's entertaining. The goal is to try to keep nurturing your prior interests, and you did say you still have the same interests. Don't let those fade away. You will be a better role model for your child if he/she sees that you are multifaceted and interesting and didn't just give up on life beyond motherhood when they arrived!

[d0nnivain]

I actually always felt . . . not dumped . . . abandoned is too strong but my relationship with friends changed after they had kids.

 

I was still living the life we had & they moved on to the next phase.

 

I never had kids & their kids are now entering college so they have more time. I feel in some respects like I got my friends back because they no longer have to devote all of their time to their kids.

[KaliLove]

Sometimes it's the other way around.

 

I have two friends with new babies. I absolutely love kids and I'm always happy to hang out with them. Friend One, who has a newborn and a 2 year old, I see all the time. She's thrilled to have another adult around when her husband is out. She's perfectly capable of having conversations that have nothing to do with her kids (she prefers it actually..she's taking a year off of work to stay home with the kids and she gets enough baby talk with them). She's also perfectly happy to hand either (or sometimes both!) of her kids over to me while she relaxes for a minute or does chores (which I love..I adore her children). We go on outings with the kids..the 2 year old has learned to associate me with fun and he asks about me when I'm not there. We generally just have a fantastic time with the kids, and also when they're napping and we're talking about grown up stuff.

 

Friend Two is obsessed with her child. She is completely incapable of having a conversation when the baby is in the room, and when he's not, she's constantly fussing over him and talking about him..poor kid can barely get a nap in. When I asked her to teach me how to change a diaper, she made a creepy comment to her 6 month old son - 'don't worry, mommy's friend is not trying to look at your pee pee". That completely disgusted me and I walked out of the room. She basically sexualized her 6 month old son. That child is going to have some SERIOUS mommy issues. She has begun treating her husband like a second child and I'm convinced he's going to cheat or leave her because of it. She barely allows him to touch his own son.

 

I want to have kids and when I do, I definitely know which one I'm going to model my parenting style after. I don't plan to ditch my friends when it happens.

[mrs rubble]

One possibility, she could have had a secret termination or miscarriage, that would make her distant and "anti".

[Sugarkane]

Yeah I admit I am jealous. It's been Murphys Law for me the past year or so. Everything that could've gone wrong, did and more. I haven't made a time to see her- I was in hospital 2 months and she never contacted me at all. Then she left for overseas, as she won the study tour. I understand baby showers aren't everyone's thing, but it would've been nice for atleast someone to come. Not for no one to show up. I was trying to make an effort. I'm not brain dead and can still talk about other things.

Why would her posts about her fun overseas trip bother you? You sound jealous. Have you arranged time to see her without the baby in tow? That's why you lose some friends. It's partly that and partly because you're super busy and focused mainly on motherhood, which is boring to others who aren't currently mothers sometimes.

 

Since she bailed about the shower and hospital, maybe there's something else going on besides. Did she offer to give you a shower and then cancelled, or just not come to the shower. I have to tell you, me and a lot of other people avoid showers like the plague. It's not personal. They're just tedious.

[iiiii]

I'm at a point in my life now where most of my good friends are starting (or have recently started) their families. I'd say that in my experience, staying friends with someone who has just started a family can be difficult. It requires extra effort from both people. But if both people don't make the effort, the relationship will disintegrate.

 

The person with the baby needs to make an effort to contact the single friend and let them know they're still wanted - even though they are probably hugely frazzled and tired and busy from looking after the baby. The single person needs to accept that the friend won't be able to do a lot of the things she used to do, and that it's sometimes really hard for her to make time or travel to meet up.

 

The friends I have kept are the ones who have made a real effort to stay in contact and to retain some interest in my life. The few I haven't kept are the ones who have become obsessively interested in their child (won't or can't talk about anything else), or who have not made any effort to keep in touch or initiate meet ups.

 

In your case, there could be any number of things going on, and with only your side of the story, we're never going to know which is true.

 

Could be she was never that good of a friend in the first place, and now you can't do the activities you used to do (or you have to do them with a baby in tow) she's just not that interested in making the extra effort.

 

Could be she feels neglected, if you've distanced yourself from her or not made any effort to stay in touch with her, during your pregnancy or post birth period.

 

Could be she's jealous, if she really wants a child and can't have one (or can't have one yet).

 

Could be your life and conversation now resolve exclusively around your baby, and she's just not that interested.

[SerCay]

Hi Sugarkane,

 

I remember you answered my thread about my friend who had a baby and forgot about everything and jut rambled on about her baby for hours and hours until I left...even though you were a new mom back then, you totally understood what I meant.

 

Like other posters have said, uually it's the other way around, the new mom gets obsessed and all you ever talk about or hear about is their baby.

 

That friend I posted about back then? She asked me to go out for my birthday because she misses me and wants to buy me dinner, but I just told her no I won't go until MY AUNT (remember my aunt from that post) gets better.

 

That's when she remembered, she was like no of course I was already taking that into consideration, how is she doing now?? And I was like ughhhh you are terrible.

 

You sound like the opposite, but your friend is shallow maybe and she doesn't know how to deal with the situation. Either way dont be angry or don't get hung up on it, it's their choice to act this shallow and you have a lot to be happy about. You will make new friends trust me!

 

All the best!

 

PS. I too avoid baby showers like the plague... I mean I think it's usually just to get as many gifts as possible so the new parents don't have to buy stuff themselves because the whole world gets invited. Not implying yours was like that though..

[Sugarkane]

Now that I think about it, years ago I had a friend who had kids young, before moving far away. I wasn't interested in babies, but I still bothered to ask her how she was etc and still bothered to go to her shower.

[Tayla]

This post is eye opening in so many ways. Interesting that the word bothered was used to inquire kindly of anothers offspring. As if they are a burden and not a compliment to the family tree. Blood is thicker then water in more ways, which may bring caution to the dynamics of friendships in the true sense. I am sorry to hear that its been a challenging year, one of humungous changes and growth. In time maybe this friend will return with more kindness to them, for now its a blessing that you are aware of their nature and can avoid further mishaps. My blessings to you on perserving thru these days.

[littleplanet]

This post is eye opening in so many ways. Interesting that the word bothered was used to inquire kindly of anothers offspring. As if they are a burden and not a compliment to the family tree. Blood is thicker then water in more ways, which may bring caution to the dynamics of friendships in the true sense. I am sorry to hear that its been a challenging year, one of humungous changes and growth. In time maybe this friend will return with more kindness to them, for now its a blessing that you are aware of their nature and can avoid further mishaps. My blessings to you on perserving thru these days.

 

Fascinating, the posts that men avoid like the plague

In my son's generation......(had I been rich, he would have been a Yuppie-puppy, I guess)........this issue has a real interesting pendulum swing to it.

Compared to my generation (boomer.)

(in my grandad's generation, a boomer was a guy who worked the rails.)

Anyhow. Enough history.

 

First of all, most of my son's social circle are college-educated.

And it's absolutely black and white: they either worship kids, or loathe them utterly.

Perhaps it has something to do with how people actually have kids.....

(yeah - they still 'have' them in the same old usual way).

 

What I mean is - the focus.

When my son was born, my wife brought him to the club (but hid out in another lounge) and I got up on stage and lit a big fat cigar and made the formal annoucement. Standing ovation. Cigars all around.

I grew up in libraries. (dad was a writer.)

My eldest grew up in clubs. (and though he can hoof and sing better than me - he chose social economics.)

 

My point being: the rest of life doesn't change (or have to) once you're a parent.

But what I'm really getting at here - I grew up, and raised my kids - in what today would be referred to as a low-maintenance parenting style.

 

Whereas high maintenance can be very different.

Sort of like - the difference between people who buy groceries, cook meals and eat them.............and foodies.

 

My mom had 4 kids. She loved us all to bits - but I recall at a real young age hanging out in the kitchen while she yakked with her neighborhood friends (the kitchen was where the food was!) and they all talked up a storm - about everything under the sun....EXCEPT their kids.

 

Kids today are high maintenance because there is so much supervision and hands-on involvement.

I grew up free-range. So did my kids. Big difference.

I dunno.........you're a bad parent these days if you're not micro-managing your kid.

Perhaps this is what puts childless people off?

 

But of course. Babies are micro-managed, anyway.

Comes with the territory.

 

And Kalilove -

Yeah, it is kind of obvious which parenting style you'd prefer to emulate.

Your description of Friend Two could turn my hair white overnight.

(sexualizing an infant? Don't get me started!)

 

Parenthood changed me profoundly. But the changes were subtle and internal. They weren't broadcasted to the world. (Although I did go on to write for kids.) But that's just because I love kids.

 

So no......I was never a dumper or dumpee.....

but do different times breed different attitudes?

[Sugarkane]

I used bothered because I remembered I've made an effort when it's been someone else. Where as I've been straight out abandoned.

This post is eye opening in so many ways. Interesting that the word bothered was used to inquire kindly of anothers offspring. As if they are a burden and not a compliment to the family tree. Blood is thicker then water in more ways, which may bring caution to the dynamics of friendships in the true sense. I am sorry to hear that its been a challenging year, one of humungous changes and growth. In time maybe this friend will return with more kindness to them, for now its a blessing that you are aware of their nature and can avoid further mishaps. My blessings to you on perserving thru these days.

[Sugarkane]

Should I bother contacting at all?

[preraph]

I think you should stop feeling so betrayed by this and accept that it was your life that changed (and nothing wrong with that of course) and stop putting it on everyone else. You surely knew what they were like before. I am sorry you feel so alone now, and I would wager that nearly every new mother does when she's home taking care of a baby and it's all on her. What new mothers usually do to alleviate the situation is go make friends with other new mothers. They may never feel like your "real" friends, but they will provide support and understanding and you can swap baby stories with them.

 

An old friend of mine recently told me I'm the only old friend she has left (and i don't like to be around the kids much either but she works with me to work around it). She said she has lots of "mother friends" but isn't close to any of them but couldn't survive without them.

[juicygirl]

I wouldn't bother with this friend , she probably feels that she can't relate to you anymore because you have children and she doesn't like kids.

 

I would just make new friends.

 

I have a range of friends, mummy friends and non mummy friends. I love both, but after my second child was born I absolutely hate talking about children, especially other people's children. I find its mind numbingly boring talking about when the child started walking,what the first words were and people comparing their so-called genius baby to others. I'd much rather talk about my friends fabulous trip around the globe. If I have a evening without the kids I call my non mummy friends, but if I'm going for a trip to the zoo I call my mummy friends. I don't see why I have to cut one group off.

 

I do adore my children, love them to bits, but all new parent novelty has warn off me.

[pink_sugar]

I agree that usually the situation is reversed...people have kids don't seem to want to hang out with childfree friends any longer. However, it is true that there are people who are just not into kids and not seeing them as often is a part of life. I have friends who choose to remain childfree as well. Your friend was rude and out of line by bailing at the last second for the baby shower. But I agree with the others. This is why I will not have kids until I am in my 30's. When you start in your 20's, good chances are that a lot of your friends will haven't had children yet.

[preraph]

Should I bother contacting at all?

 

Sure, but I would just wait until you have at least a half-baked plan of leaving the child in daycare or with a sitter and then contact and say, "Hey, my baby's in daycare Thursday. Let's have a girl's lunch (or drink or whatever you do). In other words, call when you're ready to do something.

[littleplanet]

I wouldn't bother with this friend , she probably feels that she can't relate to you anymore because you have children and she doesn't like kids.

 

I would just make new friends.

 

I have a range of friends, mummy friends and non mummy friends. I love both, but after my second child was born I absolutely hate talking about children, especially other people's children. I find its mind numbingly boring talking about when the child started walking,what the first words were and people comparing their so-called genius baby to others. I'd much rather talk about my friends fabulous trip around the globe. If I have a evening without the kids I call my non mummy friends, but if I'm going for a trip to the zoo I call my mummy friends. I don't see why I have to cut one group off.

 

I do adore my children, love them to bits, but all new parent novelty has warn off me.

 

Got quite a kick out of this post, Juice.

 

Especially the quip about genius babies.

Makes me ponder a bit: do kids quite fit into the wide world the way they used to?

I remember a time when kids were a riot - and just sorted of perambulated around the edges of everything else - and sometimes right through the middle of things, too.

 

Long before I ever had any kids of my own (starting at the age of 19, with my favorite young cousin) I was a sort of parent in training.

 

Moving right along, throughout all sorts of gypsy travels and general wanderlust, unconventional lifestyle and no end of early adult shenanigans, I picked up kidcare experience along the way, everywhere I went.

But the trick was of course, to like kids - to give a damn.

 

Have we evolved to the point now where, excluding individualized personal agendas, people just don't?

That's a shame. Tribes used to raise kids (in divers' ways.)

But my point being - by the time fatherhood fell on me like a blue moon, I had a clue. I was in the zone.

And I certainly never was shunned, nor did I shun.....anyone, based on whether childed, or childless.

 

I actually never found a novelty to wear thin, much less off.

Perhaps it depends on the flavor of novelty....

 

Though I must agree - your sorting of friend clusters makes astonishingly good sense!

(Just imagine springing a terrible two upon a poor unsuspecting geek who hasn't a clue. Yow.)

[Sugarkane]

This is what I don't like about Western culture. Everyone is so selfish and self focused. I understand why some people join cults or polygamous groups now. Makes a lot of sense.

[Sugarkane]

I completely agree with you. I dont see why someone would cut off one group of friends either. I cut people off eg for betraying me or making zero effort, not in whether they're a parent or not. Interestingly a younger cousin of mine complains she feels in the country, she feels she's one of few who hasn't had kids yet.

I wouldn't bother with this friend , she probably feels that she can't relate to you anymore because you have children and she doesn't like kids.

 

I would just make new friends.

 

I have a range of friends, mummy friends and non mummy friends. I love both, but after my second child was born I absolutely hate talking about children, especially other people's children. I find its mind numbingly boring talking about when the child started walking,what the first words were and people comparing their so-called genius baby to others. I'd much rather talk about my friends fabulous trip around the globe. If I have a evening without the kids I call my non mummy friends, but if I'm going for a trip to the zoo I call my mummy friends. I don't see why I have to cut one group off.

 

I do adore my children, love them to bits, but all new parent novelty has warn off me.

[Sugarkane]

I can't. She will be overseas for quite a while.

Sure, but I would just wait until you have at least a half-baked plan of leaving the child in daycare or with a sitter and then contact and say, "Hey, my baby's in daycare Thursday. Let's have a girl's lunch (or drink or whatever you do). In other words, call when you're ready to do something.