Why does everyone dump you as soon as you have a baby?

[Glinda.Good]

I'm only saying no one I've met has been dumped just because they had a child. Eg an ex co worker and their clique.

 

I'd also like to mention no one dumped my cousins wife when they had a child. And she still goes out and enjoys herself.

 

Well … I am getting the feeling that there may be other factors besides your motherhood contributing to the disappearance of your friends.

 

Why don't you get a babysitter and plan a really fun evening out for a few of your friends and yourself, and invite them? And then make sure to be good company.

[pink_sugar]

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

 

True to some extent. I am meeting new people my age and it seems like most people my age (25) advertise that they have kids and want to meet friends who have kids. It seems like once people have kids that they are uncapable of having childfree friends or having adult only time.

[Sugarkane]

I would be happy to be friends with anyone- Childfree or not.

True to some extent. I am meeting new people my age and it seems like most people my age (25) advertise that they have kids and want to meet friends who have kids. It seems like once people have kids that they are uncapable of having childfree friends or having adult only time.

[preraph]

That anger you have about what happened in the hospital has no bearing on your friends. You do need to see a psychiatrist because you sound very depressed and keep waiting for someone to fix it but no one can do anything right who has tried to help. You have depression and you need to deal with it because you have a newborn to take care of! You probably need some medications right away! My sister spent 6 months in the hospital and it was a total painful nightmare because it was pancreatitis, but once out, she was just so grateful to be out her attitude got better than it had ever been before. They gave her some anxiety meds that did help. Sometimes we all may need that.

 

You seem unwilling to deal with your problems and are just deflecting all your anger and resentment onto others. I have been very depressed for 10 years before, and I was angry the whole time so I know about it. I needed meds, which I didn't get because I seemed strong to the doctors because I am an exceptionally strong person and don't show everything like some people do. I'm telling you you need to go to a psychiatrist because they are the only ones you can prescribe medications and stop this cycle for your child's sake. If you can't afford private care then go to the emergency room and tell them you are very depressed and angry and that everyone is telling you you need to see a psychiatrist. I know this is only making you madder, but you came her for advice and as we've all read your posts, we have learned more about you and this has become apparent. It's nobody's fault. You had a hard time, continue to have a hard time, and you need help!

[PinkInTheLimo]

It's a pity that you have lost friends just because you had a baby. But sometimes it is the opposite. I have lost friendships with friends who got married and had babies. It was as if all of a sudden they felt that I did not longer fit into their life. I really had wanted to remain part of their life, was always very interested in the kids, bought them presents, organised things to do which were kid-friendly.

 

The only thing I had difficulties with was when kids were behaving like spoilt brats and the parents did not call them out on it. For example, I never liked it when I was on the phone with a friend and the little one came pulling mom's sleeve all the time and she did not tell the kid to stop interrupting her phone conversation. Or friends who never wanted to meet without their kids so that we basically never could have a real adult conversation. I mean I can do something together with your kids several times, as long as we can also have a grown-up activity once in a while.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Kids today are high maintenance because there is so much supervision and hands-on involvement.

I grew up free-range. So did my kids. Big difference.

 

I hear you. My own upbringing was far from perfect. Two frustrated parents who could not stand each other, very little affection, abusive mother, passive father.

 

But the one thing I liked about my youth was that we were not the constant center of attention. In summer we would play in the street behind our house, it was a dead-end so hardly any traffic (I lived in a rural area so I'm not talking about the Bronx here). There were a lot of other kids there and we were playing together all day. OK, there was some social control in that there were some older folks who would see it if something happened and be sure that my parents would know it before we were home. We were on the street until my mother called us home for dinner. That was the worst moment of the day.

 

These summers lasted an eternity: we built huts in trees, tried to catch fish in a small river, put our ear on the railway track to see if a train was coming (like we had seen in a movie ), invaded the big wild garden of an old person who did not come in his garden anymore, divided ourselves into groups and fought against each other, throwing unripe plums and apples we found in an orchard, organised a cycling championship, etc...

 

When it was raining we had to stay inside and we got bored. And when we told my mother we did not know what to do, my mother replied that she did not know what to do first and that we were always welcome to give a hand . We meant that on a regular basis we were supposed to entertain ourselves, which is not too bad.

[Sugarkane]

Yeah I'm angry because if a friend had a child and post natal depression, I wouldn't dump them. Wouldn't you be angry?! And I've spent over 12 months trying to find a therapist who isn't crap.

That anger you have about what happened in the hospital has no bearing on your friends. You do need to see a psychiatrist because you sound very depressed and keep waiting for someone to fix it but no one can do anything right who has tried to help. You have depression and you need to deal with it because you have a newborn to take care of! You probably need some medications right away! My sister spent 6 months in the hospital and it was a total painful nightmare because it was pancreatitis, but once out, she was just so grateful to be out her attitude got better than it had ever been before. They gave her some anxiety meds that did help. Sometimes we all may need that.

 

You seem unwilling to deal with your problems and are just deflecting all your anger and resentment onto others. I have been very depressed for 10 years before, and I was angry the whole time so I know about it. I needed meds, which I didn't get because I seemed strong to the doctors because I am an exceptionally strong person and don't show everything like some people do. I'm telling you you need to go to a psychiatrist because they are the only ones you can prescribe medications and stop this cycle for your child's sake. If you can't afford private care then go to the emergency room and tell them you are very depressed and angry and that everyone is telling you you need to see a psychiatrist. I know this is only making you madder, but you came her for advice and as we've all read your posts, we have learned more about you and this has become apparent. It's nobody's fault. You had a hard time, continue to have a hard time, and you need help!

[Sugarkane]

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

 

As I said I'm not like that. I haven't dumped a friend in the past, just because they had a kid.

[Sugarkane]

Meds don't help anger alone. Doesn't help that I haven't been able to find someone remotely helpful either.

That anger you have about what happened in the hospital has no bearing on your friends. You do need to see a psychiatrist because you sound very depressed and keep waiting for someone to fix it but no one can do anything right who has tried to help. You have depression and you need to deal with it because you have a newborn to take care of! You probably need some medications right away! My sister spent 6 months in the hospital and it was a total painful nightmare because it was pancreatitis, but once out, she was just so grateful to be out her attitude got better than it had ever been before. They gave her some anxiety meds that did help. Sometimes we all may need that.

 

You seem unwilling to deal with your problems and are just deflecting all your anger and resentment onto others. I have been very depressed for 10 years before, and I was angry the whole time so I know about it. I needed meds, which I didn't get because I seemed strong to the doctors because I am an exceptionally strong person and don't show everything like some people do. I'm telling you you need to go to a psychiatrist because they are the only ones you can prescribe medications and stop this cycle for your child's sake. If you can't afford private care then go to the emergency room and tell them you are very depressed and angry and that everyone is telling you you need to see a psychiatrist. I know this is only making you madder, but you came her for advice and as we've all read your posts, we have learned more about you and this has become apparent. It's nobody's fault. You had a hard time, continue to have a hard time, and you need help!

[Els]

Meds don't help anger alone.

 

Have you tried...?

[pink_sugar]

It's inevitable that you won't be speaking as much to some of your childfree friends as much. A lot of people we know have their lives revolving around their babies or children, so it makes hanging out more difficult and less frequent. Also, I personally have a hard time relating to my few friends who do have children. While they're saying that Dillon did this or that, I find myself only with one word responses. I just don't know what to say, I'm not a mom! So while their circle of friends broadens to other mom's with children...playdates and etc, it's inevitable that some friends drift apart. It's like when you get married and some of your friends are still single. It's just different. So we benefit by making more married friends. You should probably meet more mom friends.

[Citizen Erased]

As I said I'm not like that. I haven't dumped a friend in the past, just because they had a kid.

 

I'm guessing that your friends just assume you are like that, like having a baby means you're incapable of doing anything but ooh and ahh over baby photos when you're away from your baby for a few hours. I'm experiencing the same thing right now. I had a friend go on at me about how id better not have my baby before she left for a vacation and then when I gave birth before her vacation she didn't bother to come and see me before they left. I have people that the day before I gave birth be all "I can't wait to meet him!" and haven't seen them in the 4 months after. No longer included in girls nights, make plans and repeatedly cancelled on. If I hear "I've really got to come and see you!" one more time I'm going to have to punch them if I ever see them again. Oh, of course when THEY have children they'll be all over me again.

 

So yeah, screw them. I have decided to focus on the friends that do want me around.

[stillafool]

Why haven't you made new friends with people who have kids? Aren't there play dates and things mothers do? Do you meet other mothers at the park or any place else? It is very hard for single people to hang out with mothers because your priorities change,(so I've been told by the mothers.) Do you and your husband have friends with children?

[LuckyLady13]

Sugarkane, you definitely have a depression issue going on because from everything you said, you're in "the pit" and people are genuinely trying to help any way they know how but you've got the depression blinders on so that when you've seen some good advice, suggestions and even just other very honest and genuine points of view, you're not grasping it. Treating depression is a multifaceted thing so it might give you a kickstart onto the road of getting out of "the pit" by taking an antidepressant while you put other things in place to help yourself out.

 

Despite the fact that I can see (along with others) you've got those blinders on right now, I'm going to say anything else I think should be helpful and hope it really does manage to help.

 

If you can switch your jealousy of a friend having a ball on vacation into motivation, you're golden! Use your anger as fuel to start accomplishing things in your own life that start to make you happy. Not to "show her" or get some type of revenge but to bring on a lot of things that make you start being genuinely happy on your own two feet. When you get there, you will feel totally indifferent to this friend and it won't bother you anymore.

 

I was going to say I don't know what makes you happy because I don't know you but you said it in your original post right off the bat that your deal right now is you want friends around who are cool with you having a kid so that's priority #1!

 

You decided and took full control of your life and half your friendship with this person when you made the decision that you want children. That's fine. But if the other half of this friendship didn't want this and bails, you can't blame her. You took the decision making right out of her hands and so she took it back. She has a right to do that.

 

So now it's time to start finding friends you're on the same page with since you were on one page at one time with a friend and opened another book on your own. Some people are more homebodies or just love kids but maybe can't have kids of their own so they'd love to be around. And others who have kids and just plain relate to you.

 

Get yourself out there, start finding people who you just get along well with and start getting your butt back on the road to happiness. Having kids does not mean you have to stick to friends who have kids. There are plenty of people who are childfree by choice and some not by choice who would really love to hang around you.

[Sugarkane]

Have you tried...?

 

Yes I'm on meds and have been trying to find a professional for over a year.

[Sugarkane]

Why haven't you made new friends with people who have kids? Aren't there play dates and things mothers do? Do you meet other mothers at the park or any place else? It is very hard for single people to hang out with mothers because your priorities change,(so I've been told by the mothers.) Do you and your husband have friends with children?

 

The first playgroup the mums went back to work. Tried and nothing happened. The current playgroup is really unreliable and often I'm the only one that goes. I've tried a few times contacting someone I made friends from the hospital, got excuses.

[Sugarkane]

So how come my cousins wife for example, didn't get dumped from her friends? I would expect friends to still stay friends despite having kids. I know of other examples. It's not like I've betrayed or cheated on someone or anything. That's what friends are supposed to do. Care.

Sugarkane, you definitely have a depression issue going on because from everything you said, you're in "the pit" and people are genuinely trying to help any way they know how but you've got the depression blinders on so that when you've seen some good advice, suggestions and even just other very honest and genuine points of view, you're not grasping it. Treating depression is a multifaceted thing so it might give you a kickstart onto the road of getting out of "the pit" by taking an antidepressant while you put other things in place to help yourself out.

 

Despite the fact that I can see (along with others) you've got those blinders on right now, I'm going to say anything else I think should be helpful and hope it really does manage to help.

 

If you can switch your jealousy of a friend having a ball on vacation into motivation, you're golden! Use your anger as fuel to start accomplishing things in your own life that start to make you happy. Not to "show her" or get some type of revenge but to bring on a lot of things that make you start being genuinely happy on your own two feet. When you get there, you will feel totally indifferent to this friend and it won't bother you anymore.

 

I was going to say I don't know what makes you happy because I don't know you but you said it in your original post right off the bat that your deal right now is you want friends around who are cool with you having a kid so that's priority #1!

 

You decided and took full control of your life and half your friendship with this person when you made the decision that you want children. That's fine. But if the other half of this friendship didn't want this and bails, you can't blame her. You took the decision making right out of her hands and so she took it back. She has a right to do that.

 

So now it's time to start finding friends you're on the same page with since you were on one page at one time with a friend and opened another book on your own. Some people are more homebodies or just love kids but maybe can't have kids of their own so they'd love to be around. And others who have kids and just plain relate to you.

 

Get yourself out there, start finding people who you just get along well with and start getting your butt back on the road to happiness. Having kids does not mean you have to stick to friends who have kids. There are plenty of people who are childfree by choice and some not by choice who would really love to hang around you.

[LuckyLady13]

So how come my cousins wife for example, didn't get dumped from her friends? I would expect friends to still stay friends despite having kids. I know of other examples. It's not like I've betrayed or cheated on someone or anything. That's what friends are supposed to do. Care.

 

Why didn't your cousins wife get dumped from her friends? Because they were close.

 

You were in the hospital and this friend wasn't there or calling every day or something remotely resembling something a friend would do? Then you weren't friends. I'm not sure what you were but doesn't sound like friends to me.

 

You two weren't close or this person would've been on pins and needles while you were in the hospital, wondering if you're okay and asking you and talking to your doctor or family or whoever. Bringing you things to do to pass the time, always checking on you and worried. Then there at your house when you got home too.

 

I think you've really misunderstood what friends are in the first place.

 

In that regard, I can easily wonder what's going on with you because you don't sound like a friend either. Murphy's Law or not, what were you doing to be close to this person and involved in their life for the entire year of your Murphy's Law?

 

When I had surgery less than a year ago, things went terribly wrong and I had to get blood transfusions and almost died. I told NO ONE while it was happening. I wasn't going to worry anyone. If I was going to die, worrying them first would have done what? I told them after. In not much time (the week I got out) I helped my best friend get a new house when I could hardly walk yet.

 

I think, Sugarkane, it would do you a world of good and bring people closer to you if you put this Murphy's Law thing in the past - it's over. And start doing volunteer work or in the very least, help people (especially children) every single solitary day of your life.

 

My so-called recovery the surgeons lied to me about that didn't happen did get me angry for a bit but when one of my other best friends birthday rolled around, I did everything I could conjure from my imagination to make it as great as I could.

 

If you want a lot of friends, you have to be there. Through good times and bad, sickness and health and birthdays despite your problems (because it's only one day) but YOU, not them. You have to start putting your thoughts and energy into what you are doing.

 

What are you doing to make new friends?

 

What are you doing to keep them?

 

What are you doing to relate to other people so you all understand each other?

 

What common interests do you have with other people that you are sharing (Bike riding, music, art, cars, rock climbing, etc.)?

 

What did you do today to share your life (along with your child) with friends? And what did you do yesterday? What are your plans for tomorrow?

 

How many people did you introduce yourself and your child to in the past week in hopes to find common interests and maybe friends?

 

In what ways did you show concern for someone besides yourself in the past week (excluding your child which is a given)?

 

I have a lot of friends, Sugarkane, but what I'm most happy about is I have 3 best friends who I talk to every day (which is exhausting at times) and the rest of my friends I'm not as close to but I have a new friendship from just this past week thanks to one of my best friends introducing me to a friend of his who I have so much in common with it's mind-blowing. I can see this person becoming my 4th best friend in the next few months.

 

If someone knows how to have good, genuine close friends, it's me. And how it's done is in the list of questions above. There's still more to it but I have a very strong feeling this short list will be overwhelming for you at first.

 

If you're not a good friend who puts in a lot of effort, you're not going to have any. It's that important for you to be mindful of yourself and not them.

 

By the way, that friend I went out of my way for despite my own problems for his birthday turned around and did the funniest and also most personal, meaningful things for my birthday last week. What goes around comes around. You've got to put a lot of good stuff out there to get a bunch back!

[cazoraz]

Hi SugarKane

 

I will share my story although it was 23 years ago now.

I only had one child.

 

We were the last couple to have kids in our group as we didn't have our son till we were thirty.

 

By the time we had our child our friends kids were starting school and what I would classify as free again,

 

The first year of my sons life I found very difficult. He didn't sleep. He screamed if I put him down. Taking him out was a nightmare. I stayed home and became a bit of a recluse.

 

Looking back I wouldn't have wanted to visit me either, I was a miserable sad sack. To me at the time I felt like my life was over and this was what I had to look forward to. Motherhood didn't sit well with me at all.

 

But all of a sudden my child started to sleep and stop screaming all the time. My mood lifted and I felt like I got my life back. I had a wonderful neighbour who 20 years later are still the best of friends. She was my godsend. She would finish work around 3 and drop in for half an hour. I would run while she played with my son, so I could get chores done around the house.

 

I gather you are on your own and that makes it hard. But what you put out affects whether people want to be around you.

 

Try and do something for you. I went to University at night to do my degree. It gave me something else to focus on, rather then just the baby and I got to speak to adults who shared something of interest.

 

Now that my son has grown up I am doing something I have been wanting to do for years. I have started my flying lessons to be a pilot. I will never be the commercial pilot I always wanted to be but we don't always get what we want,

 

If mothers groups aren't your thing. They weren't mine. Maybe join a sporting team that have a crèche for while you play during the day.

 

I hope you find your way.

 

Caz

[Sugarkane]

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

 

I'm actually an introvert. I'm told I'm not the easiest person to get to know.

[Sugarkane]

It's inevitable that you won't be speaking as much to some of your childfree friends as much. A lot of people we know have their lives revolving around their babies or children, so it makes hanging out more difficult and less frequent. Also, I personally have a hard time relating to my few friends who do have children. While they're saying that Dillon did this or that, I find myself only with one word responses. I just don't know what to say, I'm not a mom! So while their circle of friends broadens to other mom's with children...playdates and etc, it's inevitable that some friends drift apart. It's like when you get married and some of your friends are still single. It's just different. So we benefit by making more married friends. You should probably meet more mom friends.

 

If that's the case why does my ex have friends? He thinks he's better than everyone else. Plus his friends are married and he isn't. What's the deal?

[Sugarkane]

LuckyLady- I've tried making friends with playgroup mums, but they've been so unreliable. It never gets to the friendship stage. The mums from the first group were supposed to move onto the second group (long story short). Yet only a couple did. Doesn't help that they're much older than me too. Could be part of it? I've tried making an effort with mutual friends, but got plain out ignored. Rude.

[Sugarkane]

I guess I also don't want to be bullied and backstabbed by one friend again and yet get ostracized for it. And not even have one person ask me why. Total injustice.

[Blade96]

Know a girl like this. I had known her since kidhood and she had always loved me. well she got pregnant and complained about all her friends ditching her. Since I am CF and don't really like very very small kids, I tried to add some insight into what they might be thinking because I don't see my best friends as much (my fault more than theirs but I don't like being around the very little kids but not to worry I attended everything important like seeing in the hospital giving nice gifts, the shower and 1st bday, we are close, we don't have a close 14 year friendship for nothing )

 

anyway when I tried to add some insight, she immediately unfriended me, cussed me out, called me all kinds of names, etc. Just a short while ago, she expected my cousin (her stepmom) to stay home from a plane trip to be with her family in other canadian province "because they "might" come over" HA, they are not reliable! She also treats pregnancy and motherhood as some sort of cult or club "yah now we all have babies join the club!"

 

Is it any wonder she is losing friends?

 

Not saying you're doing this stuff, OP, but just saying I knew someone who was losing friends but her behavior is atrocious!

Edited August 23, 2014 by Blade96

[Sugarkane]

I'm not like this person. I'm sick of friendship BS even as an adult.

Know a girl like this. I had known her since kidhood and she had always loved me. well she got pregnant and complained about all her friends ditching her. Since I am CF and don't really like very very small kids, I tried to add some insight into what they might be thinking because I don't see my best friends as much (my fault more than theirs but I don't like being around the very little kids but not to worry I attended everything important like seeing in the hospital giving nice gifts, the shower and 1st bday, we are close, we don't have a close 14 year friendship for nothing )

 

anyway when I tried to add some insight, she immediately unfriended me, cussed me out, called me all kinds of names, etc. Just a short while ago, she expected my cousin (her stepmom) to stay home from a plane trip to be with her family in other canadian province "because they "might" come over" HA, they are not reliable! She also treats pregnancy and motherhood as some sort of cult or club "yah now we all have babies join the club!"

 

Is it any wonder she is losing friends?

 

Not saying you're doing this stuff, OP, but just saying I knew someone who was losing friends but her behavior is atrocious!