Why does everyone dump you as soon as you have a baby?

[Emilia]

This is what I don't like about Western culture. Everyone is so selfish and self focused. I understand why some people join cults or polygamous groups now. Makes a lot of sense.

People are people. They are just as selfish everywhere, except they aren't allowed to show it.

 

When something major happens in your life - like having a baby or go around the world travelling or moving to another country - you lose some people. It's natural. You will make new friends, more suited for your new life. It's best to strive to be resilient and look for new ways to widen your circle than to mope at home about what passed.

[Glinda.Good]

This is what I don't like about Western culture. Everyone is so selfish and self focused. I understand why some people join cults or polygamous groups now. Makes a lot of sense.

 

I'm not getting the connection between babies, fading friendships, cults and polygamy.

 

Anyway - you do sound very sorry for yourself and resentful in your posts. And you might well have a right to feel that way. But you may be contributing to your fading friendships YOURSELF. Is that possible?

[Sugarkane]

What do you mean exactly?

I'm not getting the connection between babies, fading friendships, cults and polygamy.

 

Anyway - you do sound very sorry for yourself and resentful in your posts. And you might well have a right to feel that way. But you may be contributing to your fading friendships YOURSELF. Is that possible?

[pink_sugar]

I think she might mean that your negativity about things going on in your life might show to others. I was in the same spot a few years back....angry, more irritable and jealous.

[Sugarkane]

Well that sounds rather depressing your friends "mother friends" aren't really friends, then why does she bother? I feel lied to by my mother in law, who made out that "everything is so fantastic about having a child".

I think you should stop feeling so betrayed by this and accept that it was your life that changed (and nothing wrong with that of course) and stop putting it on everyone else. You surely knew what they were like before. I am sorry you feel so alone now, and I would wager that nearly every new mother does when she's home taking care of a baby and it's all on her. What new mothers usually do to alleviate the situation is go make friends with other new mothers. They may never feel like your "real" friends, but they will provide support and understanding and you can swap baby stories with them.

 

An old friend of mine recently told me I'm the only old friend she has left (and i don't like to be around the kids much either but she works with me to work around it). She said she has lots of "mother friends" but isn't close to any of them but couldn't survive without them.

[Sugarkane]

Sorry I thought I made that clear. That in other cultures who actually have strong support system- extended family/ community. There's no mothers groups because there is a community. In ours extended family can be everywhere- interstate, overseas. Your expected to cope on your own 24/7 looking after the baby alone + deal with constant interrupted sleep.

I'm not getting the connection between babies, fading friendships, cults and polygamy.

 

Anyway - you do sound very sorry for yourself and resentful in your posts. And you might well have a right to feel that way. But you may be contributing to your fading friendships YOURSELF. Is that possible?

[Sugarkane]

I don't think so. They haven't even bothered to talk to me. Im more angry about being told to "go to therapy" on here multiple times. Ive now soent iver a year trying to find someone who's actually not rubbish. mQUOTE=pink_sugar;5737399]I think she might mean that your negativity about things going on in your life might show to others. I was in the same spot a few years back....angry, more irritable and jealous.

[ASG]

I don't think so. They haven't even bothered to talk to me. Im more angry about being told to "go to therapy" on here multiple times. Ive now soent iver a year trying to find someone who's actually not rubbish. mQUOTE=pink_sugar;5737399]I think she might mean that your negativity about things going on in your life might show to others. I was in the same spot a few years back....angry, more irritable and jealous.

 

I'm gonna tell you what I've told somedude81 about a thousand times on here. Just because you don't *think* your anger is apparent, it doesn't mean it isn't.

 

And it is very off putting for other people.

 

Ever since you got pregnant, you have been blaming everyone for everything and being really negative in general.

 

Even a couple of posts ago, you were blaming your MIL for... what? Having a child not being easy?!?! What she meant was that the love you feel for your child will make everything else bearable. Not that it wouldn't be difficult.

 

It sucks that you feel abandoned by your friends. But the common denominator here is YOU. It is very likely that they abandoned you because of YOU...

[Glinda.Good]

Do you think you are a pleasure to be around these days?

[beatcuff]

OP, you should reread this thread especially your posts. the anger is very apparent.

 

i have not read your others threads, i assume this is your first. and as a typical first time parent --- you expect the world (not just your friends) to 'honor' you by: being there when you want without telling them; listening to your endless stories about your child/pregnancy/birth experience (then tell them 'you don't understand'); accept your child will be in tow without notice.....

 

its so funny watching the expression when i meet persons like you, listening to you go on and on what how tough it is... then after a couple of minutes they ask me: 'do you have any children'... my response (with a deadpan expression) "just 4".

 

the good news we have all been there done that. so you are not unusual. the faster you realize YOU changed the quicker relations can be reestablished. seriously, wasn't that friend always like that? there will be many more friend opportunities as your child ages (sports/clubs/school events).

 

and by the way, having the next is no easier its just you resign yourself to your new life so it seems easier.

[Sugarkane]

I don't blame everyone for everything. My MIL is a interfering and over bearing person. She lied that everything would be fantastic after having a child. QUOTE=ASG;5737855]

 

I'm gonna tell you what I've told somedude81 about a thousand times on here. Just because you don't *think* your anger is apparent, it doesn't mean it isn't.

 

And it is very off putting for other people.

 

Ever since you got pregnant, you have been blaming everyone for everything and being really negative in general.

 

Even a couple of posts ago, you were blaming your MIL for... what? Having a child not being easy?!?! What she meant was that the love you feel for your child will make everything else bearable. Not that it wouldn't be difficult.

 

It sucks that you feel abandoned by your friends. But the common denominator here is YOU. It is very likely that they abandoned you because of YOU...

[Sugarkane]

I do expect friends to have loyalty. Isn't that the point? I've had a succession of bad luck lately. Not many people spend 2 months in hospital after having their baby. And I HAVENT been talking only about my child . Far from it. I always ask the other person about their life too. Yet my ex is a two faced Ahole and people remain loyal to him. I can never figure that out. child

OP, you should reread this thread especially your posts. the anger is very apparent.

 

i have not read your others threads, i assume this is your first. and as a typical first time parent --- you expect the world (not just your friends) to 'honor' you by: being there when you want without telling them; listening to your endless stories about your child/pregnancy/birth experience (then tell them 'you don't understand'); accept your child will be in tow without notice.....

 

its so funny watching the expression when i meet persons like you, listening to you go on and on what how tough it is... then after a couple of minutes they ask me: 'do you have any children'... my response (with a deadpan expression) "just 4".

 

the good news we have all been there done that. so you are not unusual. the faster you realize YOU changed the quicker relations can be reestablished. seriously, wasn't that friend always like that? there will be many more friend opportunities as your child ages (sports/clubs/school events).

 

and by the way, having the next is no easier its just you resign yourself to your new life so it seems easier.

[Sugarkane]

You've made a lot of wrong assumptions about me- you havent even read my threads. I dont over share birth stories/ pregnancy stories. I'm always told I'm too quiet and don't share enough.

OP, you should reread this thread especially your posts. the anger is very apparent.

 

i have not read your others threads, i assume this is your first. and as a typical first time parent --- you expect the world (not just your friends) to 'honor' you by: being there when you want without telling them; listening to your endless stories about your child/pregnancy/birth experience (then tell them 'you don't understand'); accept your child will be in tow without notice.....

 

its so funny watching the expression when i meet persons like you, listening to you go on and on what how tough it is... then after a couple of minutes they ask me: 'do you have any children'... my response (with a deadpan expression) "just 4".

 

the good news we have all been there done that. so you are not unusual. the faster you realize YOU changed the quicker relations can be reestablished. seriously, wasn't that friend always like that? there will be many more friend opportunities as your child ages (sports/clubs/school events).

 

and by the way, having the next is no easier its just you resign yourself to your new life so it seems easier.

[Sugarkane]

I'm angry because I wouldn't dump a friend just because they had a kid.

My family and friends were very supportive when I had my daughters. So it is not 'everyone'.

 

I have made it a point in life not to associate with negative people. It might sound corny but it is true...smiles attract people. Make them feel good.

[ASG]

I don't blame everyone for everything. My MIL is a interfering and over bearing person. She lied that everything would be fantastic after having a child.

 

I'm sorry, but, from where I'm sitting? You do...

 

You blamed your BF for getting you pregnant. You blamed your MIL for not letting you not have the child. You blamed the counselors for not making a decision for you. You blame your friends for abandoning you and you now blame your MIL for not being happy when she said you would!

 

Your MIL didn't lie. The "everything will be fantastic" only means that your happiness at having a baby would compensate for the tiredness and difficulty of having a baby.

 

But the truth is, you seem completely unable to see any positives in anything. I suspect you ARE severely depressed, but not dealing with it, and just lashing out at other people, as if they are responsible for your happiness.

 

Unfortunately, they are not. You are. You need to take charge of things. And turn your life around. Hopefully via therapy, that you are in desperate need of, even though I don't think you'd let a therapist help you, judging from your posts on the therapists you've seen before while you were pregnant.

 

And the thing is... all this anger and resentment? It seeps through. It's, no doubt, perceptible to everyone around you. And some people don't like dealing with it and leave. Which makes you even angrier and more upset...

 

I wish I could help you, but you need to help yourself, really. You need to get out of that funk you've been in for the past year. (and when I say this, I don't mean that you should just wake up one day and be fine! I think you need help, but need to start trying to get better, hopefully by seeking treatment for your (more than likely) depression)

Edited June 6, 2014 by ASG

[Sugarkane]

So what are you supposed to be happy 100% of the time? I don't know anyone who wouldn't have struggled in my situation. Friends are supposed to be with you through tough times too- bot just good.

 

I'm gonna tell you what I've told somedude81 about a thousand times on here. Just because you don't *think* your anger is apparent, it doesn't mean it isn't.

 

And it is very off putting for other people.

 

Ever since you got pregnant, you have been blaming everyone for everything and being really negative in general.

 

Even a couple of posts ago, you were blaming your MIL for... what? Having a child not being easy?!?! What she meant was that the love you feel for your child will make everything else bearable. Not that it wouldn't be difficult.

 

It sucks that you feel abandoned by your friends. But the common denominator here is YOU. It is very likely that they abandoned you because of YOU...

[Sugarkane]

My MIL did lie. What she said was far from reality. It's a relief when I've talked to others. Not someone trying to push their own agenda. I am angry at the hospital. Their counseling was a complete joke, they waste my time when I could've found someone better. And they had the audacity to tell me off like a teenager. Would you be happy?! I'm worried for other mothers using this "service". My younger sister could do better. And she isn't a psychiatrist. It's very easy for you and others to say "go to therapy!". Thanks I have been for some time, but it doesn't just magically fix everything. I've seen a therapist before and it still didn't solve everything and stop me from getting depressed again. It's very easy to judge and say you're not trying hard enough- what else are you supposed to do?!

I'm sorry, but, from where I'm sitting? You do...

 

You blamed your BF for getting you pregnant. You blamed your MIL for not letting you not have the child. You blamed the counselors for not making a decision for you. You blame your friends for abandoning you and you now blame your MIL for not being happy when she said you would!

 

Your MIL didn't lie. The "everything will be fantastic" only means that your happiness at having a baby would compensate for the tiredness and difficulty of having a baby.

 

But the truth is, you seem completely unable to see any positives in anything. I suspect you ARE severely depressed, but not dealing with it, and just lashing out at other people, as if they are responsible for your happiness.

 

Unfortunately, they are not. You are. You need to take charge of things. And turn your life around. Hopefully via therapy, that you are in desperate need of, even though I don't think you'd let a therapist help you, judging from your posts on the therapists you've seen before while you were pregnant.

 

And the thing is... all this anger and resentment? It seeps through. It's, no doubt, perceptible to everyone around you. And some people don't like dealing with it and leave. Which makes you even angrier and more upset...

 

I wish I could help you, but you need to help yourself, really. You need to get out of that funk you've been in for the past year. (and when I say this, I don't mean that you should just wake up one day and be fine! I think you need help, but need to start trying to get better, hopefully by seeking treatment for your (more than likely) depression)

Edited June 7, 2014 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

I'm angry for the hospital ignoring all my requests, even though I said I wanted my GP in charge. Not them. Then telling me off.

I'm sorry, but, from where I'm sitting? You do...

 

You blamed your BF for getting you pregnant. You blamed your MIL for not letting you not have the child. You blamed the counselors for not making a decision for you. You blame your friends for abandoning you and you now blame your MIL for not being happy when she said you would!

 

Your MIL didn't lie. The "everything will be fantastic" only means that your happiness at having a baby would compensate for the tiredness and difficulty of having a baby.

 

But the truth is, you seem completely unable to see any positives in anything. I suspect you ARE severely depressed, but not dealing with it, and just lashing out at other people, as if they are responsible for your happiness.

 

Unfortunately, they are not. You are. You need to take charge of things. And turn your life around. Hopefully via therapy, that you are in desperate need of, even though I don't think you'd let a therapist help you, judging from your posts on the therapists you've seen before while you were pregnant.

 

And the thing is... all this anger and resentment? It seeps through. It's, no doubt, perceptible to everyone around you. And some people don't like dealing with it and leave. Which makes you even angrier and more upset...

 

I wish I could help you, but you need to help yourself, really. You need to get out of that funk you've been in for the past year. (and when I say this, I don't mean that you should just wake up one day and be fine! I think you need help, but need to start trying to get better, hopefully by seeking treatment for your (more than likely) depression)

[Eternal Sunshine]

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

[preraph]

Tribes used to raise kids (in divers' ways.)

Yes, that was back in the good old days when men raped whoever they wanted to and there was no clear father most of the time. Women stuck together as needed to survive because they didn't have the option of birth control and planning parenthood. I'm suggesting we NOT go back to the "good ol days" and live intelligently in our time with all the advantages we have and choices we now have.

 

In recent centuries it has been proven that it does not "take a tribe" or "take a village" to raise children. My grandmother had 13 out in the country 10 miles from the nearest isolated general store. There were no neighbors, no play dates, no one except older siblings to help. The men didn't help because they were in the field all day.

 

My mother raised two children without any real help from anyone and only called on a relative once to leave me overnight so she could inform my dad she wanted a divorce.

 

Earlier Sugarcane blasted me for saying she should find a group of moms for some friendship and support. Well, that's what you have to do these days if you have kids under school age and EVER want or need to do something that they can't go do with you. You might make a real friend in the process -- or not. But for those who thinks it takes a tribe or a village, that is the modern day version of it -- other mothers, not expecting old friends or relatives to go along with YOUR new lifestyle choice out of loyalty.

[Sugarkane]

I'm not like that. Unless people ask me questions.

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

[Sugarkane]

I'm only saying no one I've met has been dumped just because they had a child. Eg an ex co worker and their clique.

Yes, that was back in the good old days when men raped whoever they wanted to and there was no clear father most of the time. Women stuck together as needed to survive because they didn't have the option of birth control and planning parenthood. I'm suggesting we NOT go back to the "good ol days" and live intelligently in our time with all the advantages we have and choices we now have.

 

In recent centuries it has been proven that it does not "take a tribe" or "take a village" to raise children. My grandmother had 13 out in the country 10 miles from the nearest isolated general store. There were no neighbors, no play dates, no one except older siblings to help. The men didn't help because they were in the field all day.

 

My mother raised two children without any real help from anyone and only called on a relative once to leave me overnight so she could inform my dad she wanted a divorce.

 

Earlier Sugarcane blasted me for saying she should find a group of moms for some friendship and support. Well, that's what you have to do these days if you have kids under school age and EVER want or need to do something that they can't go do with you. You might make a real friend in the process -- or not. But for those who thinks it takes a tribe or a village, that is the modern day version of it -- other mothers, not expecting old friends or relatives to go along with YOUR new lifestyle choice out of loyalty.

[pink_sugar]

There should be another thread about how friends dump you when you marry. A lot of me and my husband's friends don't communicate with us too often since we've married. His friends more than mine. I guess it's somewhat to be expected when most of your friends are single. I think a lot of people think you're too busy with your marriage or your baby in this case to be with your single/childfree friends. I've always believed differently though. Being married doesn't stop me from enjoying some girls time. It's probably best we try and maybe make some married friends as well. SK, you might want to try joining some mommy and me classes to make some friends with children.

[Sugarkane]

I hate trying to mention this in threads multiple times. But I'm not like this. I'm actually a private person.

Having to listen to women talk about babies bores me to death. I also find babies and small kids annoying and would rather not be around them. "Ohhhh he just lost his first tooth. How adorable!!!" Me: zzzzzzzzz

[Sugarkane]

I'd also like to mention no one dumped my cousins wife when they had a child. And she still goes out and enjoys herself.