How is the NC going for those in NC...?

[jesienna31]

Just wondering how you all are managing if you stay in NC at the moment. How long has it been? Did you break NC? If so who did it, do you regret etc...?

 

For me it has been now 2 weeks of NC. I am sticking to it but it is getting now harder then it was before. The reasons I broke it off somehow seems to be fading away. They are still valid of course and I wouldn't take my words back but the fact that I am missing him so much really is overshadowing my common sense and everything that happened. I know that it will get easier, but I guess first it has to get worse before it gets better. Anyway I am not planning of contacting him although I miss him soooo much, I just hope these feeling would pass. I am writing here to get strong and stick to it with you all.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

First I tried to push him to cut me off, then when he did I lost my mind and started contacting him frantically changing my mind, not being able to talk to him was terrible. So he talked to me a bit, but then eventually he decided on his own he needed to have NC. He asked for time and I gave him one week before I contacted him again with a desperate email. I haven't heard back and I have been suffering ever since. Contacting him made the pain worse since he didn't respond.

 

It has been almost a week and two days since we last talked and at first I thought my pain was receding but it seems to be getting worse.

 

I miss him terribly and all I want to do is talk to him at least as a friend. But he thinks I am nuts. And right now, he is likely right.

 

So yes, I absolutely regret breaking NC. He asked for something and yet again I didn't provide it, only making me look desperate, insane etc.. In his eyes.

Edited May 25, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

Yes nearly a week for me, I am an OM involved with a MW. I was MM but was open told EW about the A and left and now divorced. Although we live a long way apart and only met a few times, we but had contact everyday. She wants space to sort her family after a couple of major things. Tbh this is the hardest thing I have every done, the pain is worse than when I divorced. I really hope you manage to do get thru this, I am trying hard to honour her wishes but know that at some point I will try and contact. I know what I am doing is wrong but people have no idea of what it's like if they haven't been thru it.

[jesienna31]

First I tried to push him to cut me off, then when he did I lost my mind and started contacting him frantically changing my mind, not being able to talk to him was terrible. So he talked to me a bit, but then eventually he decided on his own he needed to have NC. He asked for time and I gave him one week before I contacted him again with a desperate email. I haven't heard back and I have been suffering ever since. Contacting him made the pain worse since he didn't respond.

 

It has been almost a week and two days since we last talked and at first I thought my pain was receding but it seems to be getting worse.

 

I miss him terribly and all I want to do is talk to him at least as a friend. But he thinks I am nuts. And right now, he is likely right.

 

So yes, I absolutely regret breaking NC. He asked for something and yet again I didn't provide it, only making me look desperate, insane etc.. In his eyes.

 

Yes, it does feels like addiction, doesn't it. They are our drug and we do silly things to get the hit again. As you say even if you would like to call it just "friends" it will still feed your addiction with the attention that you get back from him. We need to withdraw... we need time to heal and space and it it really hard.

I have been listening to music that we shared together and feeling like sending him links to that, so he knows that I miss him, but I guess it should not matter anymore, it will not change anything.

Stick to your NO contact. He clearly communicated that he needs time, and you need that too more then anything. His silence it also the loud screaming statement that he doesn't want the contact at this time. I know it is hard but we need to be strong, you will feel so much better about yourself if you stick to it.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yes, it does feels like addiction, doesn't it. They are our drug and we do silly things to get the hit again. As you say even if you would like to call it just "friends" it will still feed your addiction with the attention that you get back from him. We need to withdraw... we need time to heal and space and it it really hard.

I have been listening to music that we shared together and feeling like sending him links to that, so he knows that I miss him, but I guess it should not matter anymore, it will not change anything.

Stick to your NO contact. He clearly communicated that he needs time, and you need that too more then anything. His silence it also the loud screaming statement that he doesn't want the contact at this time. I know it is hard but we need to be strong, you will feel so much better about yourself if you stick to it.

 

Thank you! You are right. His silent scream for "get the hell away from me" is slapping me across the face lol I get the message loud and clear, but it stabs me in the heart.

 

I am a musician myself and he used to listen to my music a lot and I keep having desires to send him private songs that pull at the heart strings to suck him back in. But no matter my flailing, sad emails, fluffing my feathers, glamour shots and assorted heart string pulling, his resolve is strong and the more I try, the more he runs.

 

I have never once been more pitiful or more broken.

 

Your words help, I will try my best to stay strong.

 

I have a feeling since you are showing such strength yourself, that you will get much better sooner rather than later. Distraction and self growth is likely key.

[QuakerOats]

It really is like an addiction, and should be dealt with as such.

 

I'm at around 6 weeks...maybe 7 weeks since my last contact with exMM. I'm actually doing pretty well right now. A couple of weeks ago I had a tough patch going from sadness to anger all over the place. At that point seriously debated telling his wife, and also checked his FB. But, I didn't call/text/email him.

 

This week I've been very busy and distracted from him. That has helped. I'm pretty busy right up until the end of June, which is good because I was supposed to see him in June, so I'm sure I'll have some thoughts that creep in.

 

I'm committed to this being over. I realize now that he was very selfish and never going to be the person he said he was...all those promises he made were made because they felt good to say, not because they had any validity.

[jesienna31]

It really is like an addiction, and should be dealt with as such.

 

I'm at around 6 weeks...maybe 7 weeks since my last contact with exMM. I'm actually doing pretty well right now. A couple of weeks ago I had a tough patch going from sadness to anger all over the place. At that point seriously debated telling his wife, and also checked his FB. But, I didn't call/text/email him.

 

This week I've been very busy and distracted from him. That has helped. I'm pretty busy right up until the end of June, which is good because I was supposed to see him in June, so I'm sure I'll have some thoughts that creep in.

 

I'm committed to this being over. I realize now that he was very selfish and never going to be the person he said he was...all those promises he made were made because they felt good to say, not because they had any validity.

 

I absolutely agree. I could have sign under each of your words here... The time and distance give us some perspective to look at it with more realistic view and assess for what it really was rather then what we hoped it to be. It doesn't change the fact though that we miss them, since while in relationship they did made us feel good, they did feed our ego and self esteem and made up believe it was all real. We miss them and we miss how wonderful we felt at that time and we wish we could have it all back and live in denial again. Somehow emotions are so disconnected from the rational mind... Now once we learned a bit of truth about the relationship it gives up opportunity to step back and asssess our emotions in more healthy way. We don't need to act on every single emotion that we get. We can let it come and let it pass. It is like addiction and we need to bare it in mind so we can take care of ourselfs and not slip back to our denial again...

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

Beginning to feeling that OM struggling with NC are definitely in the minority here. Either we are a heartless bunch or we are unable to communicate lol. Any ideas?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Beginning to feeling that OM struggling with NC are definitely in the minority here. Either we are a heartless bunch or we are unable to communicate lol. Any ideas?

 

I am curious about this too being a woman. Do men compartmentalize and rationalize emotion and attachment a bit more easily? Or do women just tend to express themselves more?

 

My assumption is that there are plenty of men out there OM or not that suffer with no contact. My xMM said he missed me. So the feelings are felt. I would suggest you look up phrases like "missing my ex wife, girl friend, mistress, married wife" to find other men like yourself suffering in the same way.

[Devastated1969]

I'm about 10 weeks NC after MM decided to return to his W in January after separating and living with me. First few weeks after he returned we were in contact but eventually agreed it wasn't the right thing, he had made his choice and that it was over between us. Totally devastated as I thought he was the one and we were so happy but the NC has definitely helped me despite being very tough at times. What keeps me going is reading the pain and heartache of those on here from all sides trying to reconcile, get over or walk away from their situations. He has gone back to his W and I will never fully understand it but it doesn't matter, he has, it's over and nothing will change that. I am focusing on my healing, my kids and keeping busy. It does get easier but it's a very hard road. The alternative of making contact and getting involved in his drama is SO MUCH WORSE so I keep going. Good luck to you all.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yes nearly a week for me, I am an OM involved with a MW. I was MM but was open told EW about the A and left and now divorced. Although we live a long way apart and only met a few times, we but had contact everyday. She wants space to sort her family after a couple of major things. Tbh this is the hardest thing I have every done, the pain is worse than when I divorced. I really hope you manage to do get thru this, I am trying hard to honour her wishes but know that at some point I will try and contact. I know what I am doing is wrong but people have no idea of what it's like if they haven't been thru it.

 

Be strong! Don't contact! You will regret it. She asked for space so you should give it. If she wants to talk to you, she will. If you contact her, you will hurt even worse in the long run. She needs space and so do you. If you don't allow her to reach back to you, it will you be chasing her which will only make her retreat even more. It is human nature to be repulsed by neediness. Don't be that person. Too can get strong without her. And I will assume with time all the pieces will fall together for you and you will build back who you are enough to not feel the need to contact eventually,

[QuakerOats]

Beginning to feeling that OM struggling with NC are definitely in the minority here. Either we are a heartless bunch or we are unable to communicate lol. Any ideas?

 

 

From what I've read here (and well, it isn't exactly a scientific source) men rarely leave marriages due to infidelity unless forced. So, yes...it seems you are in the minority having divorced to be with an AP.

 

However...I'm sure you share a lot of the same emotions as the OW around here...being in love with someone who is with someone else (emotionally or legally or both) is a complicated recipe for heartbreak.

[QuakerOats]

I'm about 10 weeks NC after MM decided to return to his W in January after separating and living with me. First few weeks after he returned we were in contact but eventually agreed it wasn't the right thing, he had made his choice and that it was over between us. Totally devastated as I thought he was the one and we were so happy but the NC has definitely helped me despite being very tough at times. What keeps me going is reading the pain and heartache of those on here from all sides trying to reconcile, get over or walk away from their situations. He has gone back to his W and I will never fully understand it but it doesn't matter, he has, it's over and nothing will change that. I am focusing on my healing, my kids and keeping busy. It does get easier but it's a very hard road. The alternative of making contact and getting involved in his drama is SO MUCH WORSE so I keep going. Good luck to you all.

 

 

I remember reading your story. That is quite an ordeal you've been through. I'm glad to read today that you are feeling somewhat better.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

Be strong! Don't contact! You will regret it. She asked for space so you should give it. If she wants to talk to you, she will. If you contact her, you will hurt even worse in the long run. She needs space and so do you. If you don't allow her to reach back to you, it will you be chasing her which will only make her retreat even more. It is human nature to be repulsed by neediness. Don't be that person. Too can get strong without her. And I will assume with time all the pieces will fall together for you and you will build back who you are enough to not feel the need to contact eventually,

Thanks, it's good to get a female prospective on it. Just have to tough it out and see what happens. Never been good at showing emotion but at the mo can cry for no reason lol. Never knew whether not contacting her mad me look strong or just uncaring.

[jwi71]

It really is like an addiction, and should be dealt with as such.

 

And like all addictions - unhealthy.

Unhealthy for you and certainly for spouses - potentially for any children involved.

 

Also, like addiction, best treated in the open where one's support group, including BS, can be engaged to help OVERCOME the addiction, see through the fog - and get to the other side (here, out of the A).

 

I'm at around 6 weeks...maybe 7 weeks since my last contact with exMM. I'm actually doing pretty well right now. A couple of weeks ago I had a tough patch going from sadness to anger all over the place. At that point seriously debated telling his wife, and also checked his FB. But, I didn't call/text/email him.

 

When you feel the need to break NC - ask yourself "What will be different THIS time"?

 

I think you'll find the answer is nothing.

 

Wait - not true - you'll be set back again. Why make a long and hard road HARDER and LONGER?

 

I'm committed to this being over. I realize now that he was very selfish and never going to be the person he said he was...all those promises he made were made because they felt good to say, not because they had any validity.

 

In other words he was/is a liar.

Ponder what M life would be married to him....could you ever sleep well when he's away "on business"?

 

Trust and intimacy REQUIRE honesty and openness - hard to have that by lying and deceiving.

[QuakerOats]

And like all addictions - unhealthy.

Unhealthy for you and certainly for spouses - potentially for any children involved.

 

Also, like addiction, best treated in the open where one's support group, including BS, can be engaged to help OVERCOME the addiction, see through the fog - and get to the other side (here, out of the A).

 

 

 

When you feel the need to break NC - ask yourself "What will be different THIS time"?

 

I think you'll find the answer is nothing.

 

Wait - not true - you'll be set back again. Why make a long and hard road HARDER and LONGER?

 

 

 

In other words he was/is a liar.

Ponder what M life would be married to him....could you ever sleep well when he's away "on business"?

 

Trust and intimacy REQUIRE honesty and openness - hard to have that by lying and deceiving.

 

 

 

How he "treats" the aftermath of what he has done is not my business. I seriously doubt he has come clean to his BS and is treating his own stuff like an addiction...out in the open. I suspect he has remained closeted, as most husbands who stray do.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

From what I've read here (and well, it isn't exactly a scientific source) men rarely leave marriages due to infidelity unless forced. So, yes...it seems you are in the minority having divorced to be with an AP.

 

However...I'm sure you share a lot of the same emotions as the OW around here...being in love with someone who is with someone else (emotionally or legally or both) is a complicated recipe for heartbreak.

Yes to be fair we agreed at the start there was no pressure to leave H or W. But I couldn't cope with the guilt so told EW from the start, she was happy to try again but I was too stubborn/stupid and thought that once I divorced OW would follow. Unfair I know.

Now just stuck because I know if I started another R and AP asked I would go running back, hopeless romantic/heartbreak hotel ahead me thinks

[movingon45]

Just wondering how you all are managing if you stay in NC at the moment. How long has it been? Did you break NC? If so who did it, do you regret etc...?

 

For me it has been now 2 weeks of NC. I am sticking to it but it is getting now harder then it was before. The reasons I broke it off somehow seems to be fading away. They are still valid of course and I wouldn't take my words back but the fact that I am missing him so much really is overshadowing my common sense and everything that happened. I know that it will get easier, but I guess first it has to get worse before it gets better. Anyway I am not planning of contacting him although I miss him soooo much, I just hope these feeling would pass. I am writing here to get strong and stick to it with you all.

 

3 weeks since I broke the NC. He didn't respond. Hurts even though I don't want him back. I think that after a few weeks of anger, yes, it fades, then you miss him. It's a stage. We'll all get there eventually, but it will take time and a strong resolve not to make contact.

[P1nginLOVE]

3rd day of NC.....it's been quite tough...but most of the time am surviving this!

I know I can and so can you!

 

You need to stay focus on what's important...that's what I'm doing...I have a son and a career....I've tried to keep my days as busy as possible. Last week it was tremendously hard and I broke NC after 3days of NC.

Now I hope I can move on....and stay nC forever!

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thanks, it's good to get a female prospective on it. Just have to tough it out and see what happens. Never been good at showing emotion but at the mo can cry for no reason lol. Never knew whether not contacting her mad me look strong or just uncaring.

 

I just think that if someone asks for something and it is ignored the logical result will be repulsion, male or female.

 

I understand you must be so devastated having thought perhaps you could have been with this woman after leaving your marriage and all you get in return is her asking for NC. But the way I see it is that you are now free to explore your pain and your freedom to find love from someone that fulfills you as you deserve to be fulfilled.

 

In this space and time apart really try to become the person you want to be. Give yourself everything you would have wanted to give this MW.

 

I understand this is one of the worst pains I have ever felt on any of my breakups and I know my xMM is over in his garden not even dropping one tear for me,

[halfalive]

It's been on again/off again NC for about a year now. And every time it switches as to who imposed the NC. The time before last, he was a complete douchebag to me and told me I needed to leave him alone. So I did. Then two months later he emails me to "see how I am", then acts like a complete douchebag again so I told him to not ever contact me again unless he changes back to the man I fell in love with. Now about two months later I have received a blank email from him. Which I read as he is wanting an ego boost to see if I will respond. I don't understand this guy at all.

 

I see many of you say that men are so different in that they compartmentalize and rarely leave their wives for the OW. Well this one did...except as soon as he was single, his claims that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life suddenly died...and now he is just single. I still love the man that I feel for...but I feel like he died as soon as their divorce papers were signed.

[sisa]

start NC from last Saturday, I told him not contact me if he really care about me.

 

I cry everyday when I think about him.

[Popsicle]

I see many of you say that men are so different in that they compartmentalize and rarely leave their wives for the OW. Well this one did...except as soon as he was single, his claims that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life suddenly died...and now he is just single. I still love the man that I feel for...but I feel like he died as soon as their divorce papers were signed.

 

Wow, that's horrible. I'm sorry. May I ask, are you married?

[RickFox]

NC is doing fine.

[halfalive]

Wow, that's horrible. I'm sorry. May I ask, are you married?

 

Yes, I am. And that's a whole other story. We were leaving our spouses at the same time so when he suddenly changed his mind, I went back. I wish I hasn't but I didn't have the strength to leave on my own.