How is the NC going for those in NC...?

[joanofark]

I just do not understand affairs. At all. Some of the posts on LS have me completely baffled as to how people act. I think everyone is crazy. Im convinced. I went NC a month ago as per AP's request to sort out his life. I decided I was finished. I am so in love with him, but without the same level in return, that was it. I have had no slip ups no yearnings no nothing and he can't believe that I am being this way. Like its my fault now that we are NC. He made it 4 days and then has been continuously contacting me, wanting to see me, etc. We had plans to go away for the weekend during this time. Plans that were made months ago and he assumed the plans still stood. I don't understand that. He wanted NC. He got it. I resorted to a final text last night telling him if he contacted me one more time I would have no choice but to let his wife know that he still continues. She thought it ended 10 months ago. I guess he believes that I wouldn't follow through. I don't want to because it will just bring more drama to my life and I am tired of it. He has texted and called since that text. Again, trying to see me. What to do.....

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

How is going? It sucks. I miss him so much my stomach hurts constantly. I cry every day and it seems as if it doesn't get any easier. I cannot wait until this "time heals all" kicks in. Only 3 days since I broke NC and he ignored me.

[BrokenPrincess]

Right this moment it's going crappy!

 

It's been 3.5 weeks since last contact. He sent me a really long light hearted email that made me laugh & of course feelings come rushing back. I responded but he's disappeared. It's a shared email account so I can see he never even logged back in. It had been 6 wks NC before that.

 

I've been super busy with out of town guests & having lots of fun but now they're all gone & I am sitting on my hands dying to check it. But all that does it make me sad & mildly anxious all over again wondering why he never came back

 

Sooooo posting here instead until the urge passes. No new hurts, no new hurts, no new hurts....

[DonutStalker]

So for me it has been seven weeks of NC, although I did send him two messages, one of which he didn't respond but I know he read.....I cry every freakin day, I have been in bed for about 10 days now, I am having a very hard time functioning. He joked about suicide the third to the last phone call we had, shortly thereafter his wife found out about us. I am very worried about him, but I can do nothing.

 

It hit me two nights ago that I have gone back to the state I was in before we met. My second husband died over 3 years ago, I was severely depressed,suicidal a couple of times and then wham, in walked S. We lifted each other up and I still consider him to be my best friend. I'm a mess.

[Popsicle]

So for me it has been seven weeks of NC, although I did send him two messages, one of which he didn't respond but I know he read.....I cry every freakin day, I have been in bed for about 10 days now, I am having a very hard time functioning. He joked about suicide the third to the last phone call we had, shortly thereafter his wife found out about us. I am very worried about him, but I can do nothing.

 

It hit me two nights ago that I have gone back to the state I was in before we met. My second husband died over 3 years ago, I was severely depressed,suicidal a couple of times and then wham, in walked S. We lifted each other up and I still consider him to be my best friend. I'm a mess.

 

Please take care of yourself, DonutStalker. It sounds like your AP is probably really struggling too. You will both get through this.

 

Right this moment it's going crappy!

 

It's been 3.5 weeks since last contact. He sent me a really long light hearted email that made me laugh & of course feelings come rushing back.

 

What did he say after 6 weeks?

Edited May 26, 2014 by Popsicle

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

So for me it has been seven weeks of NC, although I did send him two messages, one of which he didn't respond but I know he read.....I cry every freakin day, I have been in bed for about 10 days now, I am having a very hard time functioning. He joked about suicide the third to the last phone call we had, shortly thereafter his wife found out about us. I am very worried about him, but I can do nothing.

 

It hit me two nights ago that I have gone back to the state I was in before we met. My second husband died over 3 years ago, I was severely depressed,suicidal a couple of times and then wham, in walked S. We lifted each other up and I still consider him to be my best friend. I'm a mess.

 

So sad. I am so sorry. Time will heal, take care of yourself. I hope both of you go into IC. If both of you are suicidal at different times you need it ASAP.

 

I too felt suicidal at the end of my EA, but started to realize that I was using him as am escape and crutch from a life that needed fixing and that I need to be strong with or without him.

 

I hope you can get to a place of strength with or without this person you love. Same for him.

 

This sounds like such terrible pain in the meantime.

[Popsicle]

Beginning to feeling that OM struggling with NC are definitely in the minority here. Either we are a heartless bunch or we are unable to communicate lol. Any ideas?

 

I'm going with the later, but they/society lies to themselves and says it's the former. It seems more supposedly "masculine" that way.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

I'm going with the later, but they/society lies to themselves and says it's the former. It seems more supposedly "masculine" that way.

Nope, you are right we are cave men at heart and just hate talking, tbh that's why my M failed. That said some men are just users but guess you can say that about some women too

[BrokenPrincess]

What did he say after 6 weeks?

 

Nothing really. Just casual chit chat about a bunch of my favorite things. It was funny & sweet & long & made me happy. Didn't ask to see me but didn't sound final either. So I wrote back and then he never came back to read it. I don't get it but the uncertainty makes me anxious. I wondered if his W found out somehow or maybe he's just over it & forgot about me? Things are going a lot better with my H but I just can't seem to ever be busy enough to forget about xMM for longer than a couple days :/

[Waverly]

Just wondering how you all are managing if you stay in NC at the moment. How long has it been? Did you break NC? If so who did it, do you regret etc...?

 

For me it has been now 2 weeks of NC. I am sticking to it but it is getting now harder then it was before. The reasons I broke it off somehow seems to be fading away. They are still valid of course and I wouldn't take my words back but the fact that I am missing him so much really is overshadowing my common sense and everything that happened. I know that it will get easier, but I guess first it has to get worse before it gets better. Anyway I am not planning of contacting him although I miss him soooo much, I just hope these feeling would pass. I am writing here to get strong and stick to it with you all.

 

I've been NC for a little over two months at this point. I hate it, but I'm trying to stick to it. His life was falling apart when we were still in contact, and I know his energies are focused on fixing that right now (or were? I have no idea where things stand for him anymore). We were friends for years, we were in love with each other for just as many years, the affair lasted a few months, the aftermath dragged out for months afterwards, and now NC. I have no idea what, if any, role he'll have in my life in the future. But whatever it is or may be -- whether as a friend, partner, or just someone I used to know -- I'm still too close to everything to have the answer right now.

 

I'd like to say my energies are also focused on repairing my own life. It's slow-going for me though. Frustratingly slow-going. I know it will get easier at some point, but I'm not there yet.

[jesienna31]

I've been NC for a little over two months at this point. I hate it, but I'm trying to stick to it. His life was falling apart when we were still in contact, and I know his energies are focused on fixing that right now (or were? I have no idea where things stand for him anymore). We were friends for years, we were in love with each other for just as many years, the affair lasted a few months, the aftermath dragged out for months afterwards, and now NC. I have no idea what, if any, role he'll have in my life in the future. But whatever it is or may be -- whether as a friend, partner, or just someone I used to know -- I'm still too close to everything to have the answer right now.

 

I'd like to say my energies are also focused on repairing my own life. It's slow-going for me though. Frustratingly slow-going. I know it will get easier at some point, but I'm not there yet.

 

I hear you Waverly.... I don't have much to say to make you feel better but I hear you. And it is great that we all write about it here on LS, we need to let it out somehow. Writing few words how you feel definately help.

Same for me... I think he is trying to work on his marriage and focus on the fact that he and his wife are going to have a baby now. I see he is trying to avoid me now (we work in same building and bumped into each other but he cut the eye contact and just walked passed). I then had to visit his department due to work related issues which dooesn't happen much but unfortunately over days when it is hardest to work on NC some things pop out and I needed to head to his department. Not sure if he thinks I did it on purpose but I guess it should not matter... It is hard, but I know that we need to stick to NC to give ourself some freedom and space to heal.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Still feel the pain of it, but anger is starting to set in and I feel sorry for my husband more than I miss my xMM. At least for today.

[jesienna31]

Still feel the pain of it, but anger is starting to set in and I feel sorry for my husband more than I miss my xMM. At least for today.

 

Anger is good... It means you are moving forward in your healing. I read article about it somewhere and actually anger was sign that you are moving forward. It will change... you will have times of sadness and loneliness... but just don't act on it, it is all a process that if you stick to NC should end with a feeling of acceptance and new life for you.

 

Shock

Pleading

Anger

Sadness

Acceptance

Forgiveness

 

http://healheartbreak.com/seven-stages-of-breakup/

Edited May 27, 2014 by jesienna31

[Yoko72]

I've been in NC for almost 3 weeks. I was involved with a guy for 2 years who during that time met someone else and began a relationship all while still seeing me. I knew about them but hoped he would break up with her but instead they moved in together. When I found out I was hurt and felt stupid. We agreed that we would stop but he wanted to remain friends. I said I didn't and to not call me anymore. So after 3 weeks he sends me a text asking how I was doing. I told him it was too soon and I wasn't ready for friendship.

A week later he text me again.

I've been struggling with the NC and though I'd been coming here for support I thought of him daily. Today when he text I just couldn't ignore him. We chatted over text most of the day. He asked about my job, my friends and then he told me he missed me blah...blah...I started thinking to myself maybe I can be friends. He did flirt a little bit and when I told him that I wasn't going there with him anymore he stopped. I honestly don't know what he wants with me. He says friendship but how can we be friends? I told him I was not going to be some dirty little secret that he keeps hidden.

I think having me be there feeds his ego. I know only he can answer this but why does he want me around? We honestly haven't "gotten" together in 3mths so its not like its the sex. Before he moved in with his gf we were talking almost daily. Could he really just miss the friendship we had?

 

As for me, I'm lonely and feeing sorry for myself. I joined a dating website and I'm trying to get myself out there...hell it feels like I've been trying my whole life. My AP fills that void by being there even if its just to say hello. I feel like I took a step backward by carrying on a conversation with him today but I have to say It felt good.

 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. As long things stay platonic can we be friends? Have I been over reacting all along. Ugh!!

[MatchStick]

Since December 2013 for me, or 5 months going into 6 months for me. NC has restored so much like internal peace, clarity of destructive elements of a relation, and sense of well-being, and knowledge life can be really quite wonderful

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I haven't contacted him directly, but I write him a letter to never be sent about every other day. But I assume that will slow down. It has only been a week and a half since I broke NC for one email.

[MatchStick]

ConfusedMarriedOW, I used to journal. It helped. Without going into my details, I have heard that this letter writing and journaling is a terrific therapy. Every once in awhile, I get this urge to write after him 'and another thing.....' I know what happened and that is all I need to know. Even if he admitted to everything, it would change nothing, and do I really want to spar with him anymore? I hope every time you knock out a letter, it helps to close the past and open the future to better possibilities. First, I was sad sometimes. Then I was glad because I didn't have this complex, dense situation pulling at me. It will get better! I did, so I want to say, do something to lift your spirits! Go kayaking on a beautiful morning, go to a museum, go met a bunch a cool and neat people someplace where folks come to volunteer for things. I always remember what a 14 year old boy once told me (I'm a teacher) with a learning disability and constantly struggling: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. So it begins, and begins without a person who has already proven his uncompanionshipness.

[MatchStick]

Maybe this is just me, but I would dump the guy, grit my teeth through NC, and get on with my life. Hey, this guy started up with another, you, friendship girl, and wants to keep nibbling at the cake now too. This guy is a piece of work!! a. What he wants from you could be a wide range of things, but I see a guy with relationship problems. You may be, in fact, helping him remain in his current situation b. It sounds like you are pushing yourself emotionally about being ready to be friends or not. Why decide now? Or when he text a week from now? He can damn well wait until you are good and ready. He's the one who cheated and dumped you, so what's this 'are we there yet?" c. What do you feel? What do you want? You are free! You don't have to date if you don't want to! Figure out how to have some fun and met some people who can distract you: go to a comedy show, go to an art festival and met and talk to all the artists. Go on a museum tour and talk to the docents. I'm thinking the emotional taxation is low risk with actually being able to connect on a few common grounds. Like yourself, and cheers! Good luck!

[joanofark]

I've been in NC for almost 3 weeks. I was involved with a guy for 2 years who during that time met someone else and began a relationship all while still seeing me. I knew about them but hoped he would break up with her but instead they moved in together. When I found out I was hurt and felt stupid. We agreed that we would stop but he wanted to remain friends. I said I didn't and to not call me anymore. So after 3 weeks he sends me a text asking how I was doing. I told him it was too soon and I wasn't ready for friendship.

A week later he text me again.

I've been struggling with the NC and though I'd been coming here for support I thought of him daily. Today when he text I just couldn't ignore him. We chatted over text most of the day. He asked about my job, my friends and then he told me he missed me blah...blah...I started thinking to myself maybe I can be friends. He did flirt a little bit and when I told him that I wasn't going there with him anymore he stopped. I honestly don't know what he wants with me. He says friendship but how can we be friends? I told him I was not going to be some dirty little secret that he keeps hidden.

I think having me be there feeds his ego. I know only he can answer this but why does he want me around? We honestly haven't "gotten" together in 3mths so its not like its the sex. Before he moved in with his gf we were talking almost daily. Could he really just miss the friendship we had?

 

As for me, I'm lonely and feeing sorry for myself. I joined a dating website and I'm trying to get myself out there...hell it feels like I've been trying my whole life. My AP fills that void by being there even if its just to say hello. I feel like I took a step backward by carrying on a conversation with him today but I have to say It felt good.

 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. As long things stay platonic can we be friends? Have I been over reacting all along. Ugh!!

 

honestly, you can not be friends. it just will NOT work. Let go. Let your guard down and you will feel so much better. This guy who has moved on with someone else is not worth two seconds of your time. sure the feeling of love and friendship and sex is there and it feels safe, but you know what, at the end of the day this guy is the intruder. dating websites absolutely suck, i speak from experience, but you may find that diamond in the rough. stick it out. it is much harder to find someone when you continuously compare everyone else to the guy that you are "so in love" with even though the feelings are not mutual. My situation right now is that i have let my MM go. as per his request. but i am not sitting waiting for him to change his mind. I have cut off all emotional ties to him. I have dated. and met some really great guys, whether it turns into anything serious is yet to be seen, but at least i am not sitting wallowing in sadness, who has time for that??!! I have put no effort into MM and guess what, he has come back to me with a vengeance and he can't deal with the fact that i am not feeding into it. Although, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and he's a safe bet with me, that being said, other than that, I've moved on. Only you can make your life better, keep pushing forward. wake up every day with a smile. if i find myself out and about i am always feeling whether or not i am exuding positivity. everyone notices and people feel and react towards whether or not you are miserable. i am always looking at people wondering what their frown in for. be happy because you can be. find something, anything and just go with it. Life is for you not for him. : )

[P1nginLOVE]

Today has been a tough day....my xMM image came to mind every time I'm relaxing.

Today is the 8th day n in a funny way it's harder than yesterday!

His words keep rewinding in my head.

Wish I could fast fwd these useless n damaging-principal thoughts...

Wanna take yoga, but he used tò invite me to his yoga class....afraid it might trigger stupid unnecessary thoughts...

I want to scream in front of him and pour out these emotions I've been keeping to myself.

Well...of course I won't! He'd try to comfort me with his BS if I told him how I felt. N that'd be back in square 1.

Sigh.....

[tornado]

I am back in contact with him... :roll eyes:

 

MM is toxic like a poison, not nice at all and I seem to love it. I must have a problem...

[Mickey1982]

I am back in contact with him... :roll eyes:

 

MM is toxic like a poison, not nice at all and I seem to love it. I must have a problem...

 

 

OH Tornado!

 

Artie Lang posted a comment yesterday that I just read and it hit me like a ton of bricks right between the eyes beacuse it is so true.

 

The comment was ...... "I will never understand the allure to associate with someone who's been so toxic to your well-being."

[jesienna31]

I am back in contact with him... :roll eyes:

 

MM is toxic like a poison, not nice at all and I seem to love it. I must have a problem...

 

How did it happen??? How is it going? Do you think since you gave in he is treating you worse then before?

[Yoko72]

honestly, you can not be friends. it just will NOT work. Let go. Let your guard down and you will feel so much better. This guy who has moved on with someone else is not worth two seconds of your time. sure the feeling of love and friendship and sex is there and it feels safe, but you know what, at the end of the day this guy is the intruder. dating websites absolutely suck, i speak from experience, but you may find that diamond in the rough. stick it out. it is much harder to find someone when you continuously compare everyone else to the guy that you are "so in love" with even though the feelings are not mutual. My situation right now is that i have let my MM go. as per his request. but i am not sitting waiting for him to change his mind. I have cut off all emotional ties to him. I have dated. and met some really great guys, whether it turns into anything serious is yet to be seen, but at least i am not sitting wallowing in sadness, who has time for that??!! I have put no effort into MM and guess what, he has come back to me with a vengeance and he can't deal with the fact that i am not feeding into it. Although, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and he's a safe bet with me, that being said, other than that, I've moved on. Only you can make your life better, keep pushing forward. wake up every day with a smile. if i find myself out and about i am always feeling whether or not i am exuding positivity. everyone notices and people feel and react towards whether or not you are miserable. i am always looking at people wondering what their frown in for. be happy because you can be. find something, anything and just go with it. Life is for you not for him. : )

 

Thanks for your reply. I think your right. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Whatever happiness I feel with him is fleeting. Coming to terms with the fact thats its over is very hard. The jealousy and bitterness is eating me up inside. I'm honestly so tired of being sick and tired but I'm plowing away. I do get up, smile and put one foot in front of the other and keep it moving. Thats all any of us can do. These men who choose to live fake lives are self absorbed and selfish. Who wants that??

 

Cheers!

[jesienna31]

deleted.....