Do I, or don't I?

[Suz76]

Hello everyone, I'm a new member. I've been married for 3.5 years and I have a 2 yr old and a 10 yr old step son, who we have full time. When I met my husband I KNEW he was the one. FOR SURE. Never once did I think I married the wrong person.

 

In the past year or two, he has changed. He is SOOO wound up in his job (in computers), then comes home and sits on HIS computers. He completely ignores me, yells at me if I ask him a question while he is watching a TV show, or is on his computer, doesn't do a dang thing with the kids, and when he does talk to me, I am always WRONG, always always always. I left my medical career to go into another field which he WANTED me to go into. I love my job. I work part time from home. I take care of the kids, BOTH of them. Baseball games, daycare, you name it...it's all me. And that is ok, I like taking care of the kids, but I mean, come on, once in a while it would be nice to hear someone say, I'll give him a bath tonight. SOMETHING! And I have asked him, read books on approaching him, everything I SHOULD do, to try to make him part of the family, but he is SOO wrapped up in his "things" there is no time for anyone else.

 

Never ever does he ignore his friends, never ever does he yell at them, but me, always. He tells me I nag, which I admit, ok, after a few weeks at a time of him ignoring me, I do blow up once in a while. But shouldn't I have that right? He even yells at me, treats me like a child, in front of my parents! And I'm 28! (He's 33).

 

Not to mention we probably have sex once a month, if that. Pathetic. Not how I imagined my life to ever be. So lots of times I think I don't want this for me and my son. His son, the 10 yr old, talks rude to me the same way my husband does...that's the other issue. I don't want him growing up like that. I cry all the time, and he never asks why, never, and he knows what I'm doing.

 

I find myself wondering if I should leave, wondering if this wasn't meant to be.

 

And you can't suggest counceling (sp?) cuz he won't. He's a closed box. Never tells me anything, and will NOT discuss his feelings at all. Never has, and I've accepted that. That's just him...but counceling even to save a marraige he will not do.

 

Am I the only one with a relationship like this? Any advice or kind words?

 

Thanks in advance.

[MassiveAtom]

My ex shut down just like this. Just before she left.

 

I would leave him alone and just do your thing. You stop trying to mend this, just focus on the things that make you and the kids happy. He's going through something HE has to go through.

[Ladyjane14]

If he won't do marriage counseling with a therapist, then why not do it at home?

 

You could buy some books on the subject, and read them aloud to him in bed at night. Tell him if he won't listen, then you'll be forced to follow him around reading at the top of your voice!

 

Try: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, or The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

 

There are lots of books available on the marital relationship, and I don't think it matters too much what you read together. Really, you're opening up a dialogue.

 

If all that fails, bring him here. There are lots of people here who can tell him what happens next....when a person ignores their partner's needs.

 

He's not LISTENING. Your mission is to get his attention, and keep reformatting your message until it finally clicks in his brain.

[Lil Honey]

He sounds like my dad - emotionally and verbally abusive. He and my mom were married something like 45 years. HOWEVER, I don't remember seeing my mom enjoying life. Not once.

 

I often wonder why she stayed with him. My only conclusion is that he was able to diminish her self-worth to a point that she felt that she couldn't make it on her own. I also think that he was so vocal that she was forever on edge, wondering when the abuse would get physical and was afraid to leave.

 

Do you want this for yourself or your child? Since he won't get help, you don't many choices. Keep in mind that the kids are witnessing all of this. His kid is already treating you badly. It won't be long and your child will do the same or stand in amazement that you stay. So, will that be showing your child how to hold things together or will it teach him how to suck someone's life out of their soul without a second thought?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I would leave him alone and just do your thing. You stop trying to mend this, just focus on the things that make you and the kids happy. He's going through something HE has to go through.

 

You know MA, I tried that early on. It ended up widening the emotional distance between us until the whole deal was ALMOST unrecoverable.

 

He ended up thinking that I just didn't care there for awhile. THEN, it took considerable effort on my part to convince him that I did.

[Suz76]

Interesting.

 

That's how I feel, like the soul is being sucked from me. You've made it very clear.

 

Not to "up" on myself, but I'm a tall, thin, athletic girl, not to mention hot.

 

I have always had a very very strong personality, never passive. But definately not aggressive. Things always have fallen into place for me.

 

He used to tell me "Wow, do you have an ego!"

 

I did, but that was given to me by a very strong mother and father who taught me not to settle and that I could have what I want if I worked for it.

 

That ego, and strongness has definately dissappeared. He has sucked it out.

[Suz76]

Yes, MA, I have tried that. Letting it be so to speak. It does drive us farther and farther apart. I had to stop acting as if I didn't care cuz he really just went along with it

[KANSAN]

Tell him what you told us, that you're not sure about this marriage anymore because of ..... Be up front, honest and open with him.

I think I basicly did that to my ex and I wish that she would have told me what was I was doing to her, you might have to say it a few times but to save your marriage it's worth it and if that does'nt work then try separation don't just get fed up and leave communicate to him how important treating you well and spending time with you are just try everything.

I'm sure you know marriage is supposed to be a life long thing but it's too easily given up on these days, not you but please try everything before you quit.

[seranade]

Your husbands behavior sounds alot like the way I used to handle my marriage. While I always helped with our children, bathing, activities, etc..., I didn't take notice of how poorly I was treating my wife. She approached me a couple times and asked me to seek counsueling with her.

I went to one session and blamed her for not being happy with what she had and I didn't even realize what I was doing. We were having sex about once a month. While I wanted more I was not able to put the effort into sex and our relationship.

Last year she told me she had fallen out of love with me and wanted a divorce. It took this action from her to seek the help I needed.

I found out, through counseling and soul searching, that the promotion I received, about three years earlier, sucked all my energy. I was working between 12 and 14 hours a day. I would come home, eat, sit on the couch, watch TV.

I gained 50+ pounds in three years. I didn't have the energy to get off the couch and make love to my wife as often as we both wanted. It got so bad that I slept on the couch for at least five month's prior to her telling me she wanted out.

The worst part about it was that I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten. Even when she told me a couple of years before.

She is my world and I love her dearly. I've lost 70 pounds and have changed my ways but it may be too late for me.

She went to the lawyer today for a formal separation agreement and she moves out this week-end.

You need to make him understand your needs. Don't let it go or you may end up the way we did. He may not even realize how its effecting you and the family. Do whatever it takes.

I can't even imagine the pain your dealing with but I know I put my wife through some of the same. My neglect was painful to her and I was so messed up I didn't have a clue.

I'm wishing you great success and all my prayers. Hang in there!

[Suz76]

Gosh, serenade. Really? You think he really doesn't have a clue? Hmmm, I'll have to "check" into that. He too, has put on 30 or so pounds since I met him. He doesn't sleep on the couch ...(YET ), but some days I wish he would. We have a king size bed so we can be very far apart if we choose too, (which we always do).

 

Hopefully I can come up with a way to approach it, maybe he doesn't know?

[Owl]

Another good book to try..."20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens.

 

I agree with the approach that somone else suggested. Tell him that you're to the point that you're seriously considering ending the marriage...and tell him why. Tell him what you NEED from him for this marriage to continue to work. And then, ASK HIM what he NEEDS (not wants, but NEEDS, and make sure he understands that) from YOU to make the marriage work.

 

And if he blows it off, then perhaps it IS time to talk to a lawyer.

 

Just my thoughts. Good luck!!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

You know MA, I tried that early on. It ended up widening the emotional distance between us until the whole deal was ALMOST unrecoverable.

 

He ended up thinking that I just didn't care there for awhile. THEN, it took considerable effort on my part to convince him that I did.

 

LadyJane,

Yeah, But the image is so recent for me. I'm coming from my perspective.

 

But I completely get where you're coming from and agree with your advice.

 

SUZ,

 

Don't listen to me. Really. My wife left 2 months ago and today I find myself celebrating that she's gone!!

Sorry, not to ignore the seriousness of your situation, Take it very carefully. Most importantly, take care of YOU!

 

[Suz76]

So yesterday he comes home from work and everything is fine. My step son asks to go outside and I tell him, yeah, after you do your chore..(one measly little chore). (husbands idea to give him a chore once a day.)(I never had to do chores when i was little, so I guess I always feel bad making him do it.) Anyways....I tell him after his chore and my step son starts yelling at me that he will do it when he comes in. I was like, um, no you can do it now. So I got really ticked off at him and I sent him to his room, and I said, "if you can't do your chores, you can't play outside and you can sit in your room."

 

So my lovely husband actually threw his laptop across the room and starts sceaming at me. I'm wrong. No matter how much that kid yells at me, I'm in the wrong. Come on. He proceeds to tell me how much he hates coming home after work. How he works all day and he just wants to rest and the yelling and the kids being bad is just tooo much.

 

Um, so, yeah, it's just blue skies for me too. I work 40 hours a week, 3 days a week out of the house, 2 days in the house.

 

So all this after on Valentine's day he gives me a card that says, I still love you even if you don't love me anymore. OK< what did that mean....i asked him,,,,he says "well, you've been acting funny lately, like you don't love me anymore."

 

So I actually felt like maybe he saw something, and I wasn't purposely trying to portray myself not loving him anymore, I guess it just looked that way.

 

Ah, so I guess I'm back to the drawing board.

[SomeDay]

Originally posted by Suz76

Interesting.

 

That's how I feel, like the soul is being sucked from me. You've made it very clear.

 

Not to "up" on myself, but I'm a tall, thin, athletic girl, not to mention hot.

 

I have always had a very very strong personality, never passive. But definately not aggressive. Things always have fallen into place for me.

 

He used to tell me "Wow, do you have an ego!"

 

I did, but that was given to me by a very strong mother and father who taught me not to settle and that I could have what I want if I worked for it.

 

That ego, and strongness has definately dissappeared. He has sucked it out.

 

I use to be just like you until I got married to my wife.

Now I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs.

[Suz76]

So, someday, in your opinion why do you think you let it get that way? Have you figured that part out yet? I'm still trying to understand why I let that happen to myself.