What reason are in NC with your exAP? Who initiated it? Do you or they break NC?

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

In either case. At least you have moved to the point closer to being where you need to be. I suppose there are no guarantees if she will leave her husband and I am curious how you will hold up being just the AP after leaving your wife.

 

But I think that out of this you were able to move on from a marriage that wasn't working for you at the time. regardless if you end up with this married woman, If all was perfect in that marriage you would still be in it.

 

Either you get this woman or you end up with someone better matched for you. Growing pains. Growth time. All very hard but I see a light at the end of the tunnel with you ending up in a relationship that satisfies your needs more.

Yes I have moved on with EW, actually saw her today and went together with son to walk the dog. I guess because I was open although she hated me initially it was a cleaner break. Actually lived in same house for 5 months with everyone knowing bizarre but true. Anyway 5 months on from divorce today was the first time it felt normal. Don't get me wrong the spark has completely gone out, friends is all I can offer her.

As to the future, I will have to be patient, give AP NC, space and see what happens. Sounds like cliche but I can't see me every being able to commit to another R as I know deep down if I was given the chance to have a proper R with her. I would be go to her in a heartbeat

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

A couple of weeks ago when I was writing to my xMM, I looked over to my sleeping husband and the look he had made me think he was awake and looking downward in anger and pain. All of the feelings I had for the affair came crashing down around me and I instantly felt such regret that was much stronger than my feelings for my xMM. I then noticed that my husband was just sleeping and I felt relief and continued on with my feelings for the xMM. It is like these affairs put you in a spell in which the only thing that matters is them, until you start to lose everything...

 

But, I still miss my MM anyway.

 

Lucy, I was where you are today. The AP filled in where my husband was weak. Because of that I felt that divorce wasn't that scary. I was finally getting the things that I had been missing and it felt good. Whenever I was with AP I was happy and didn't have to deal with the shame and guilt that I did when I was with my husband. Unlike you I hadn't confessed but my husband knew. I remember thinking I wanted to stay married but if it ended it wouldn't be so bad.

 

As my husband became more distant and cold I blamed it on him being into his assistant who was a young really sexy girl that looked a lot like me. This made me feel less guilt for what I did and more open to divorce.

 

Then one day at work I got served with divorce papers and my whole world crashed. I threw up, I was a bawling mess. I rushed home and confessed my affair in a effort to fix things. His response in a very cold manner "its too late, I hate you for what you've done to us, to the kids and to yourself. I'm moving out today". What happened to my confidence? What happened to the idea that divorce wouldn't be so bad? It snapped me back into my reality I had ruined it, with this man I had loved since I was 16 years old. He hated me and told me the only thing he wanted in his life that reminded him of me was the kids.

 

I'm not saying that this will be you, what I'm saying is when we get involved with other men our true and real feelings can be overshadowed as we get caught up in how good we feel with this other person because they fill in the gaps of what's missing or what we've gone so long without.

 

After 5 years of IC, fixing my sh8t my now ex husband gave me a second chance.

 

Maybe my message won't reach you, maybe its misplaced. Just please make sure.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yes I have moved on with EW, actually saw her today and went together with son to walk the dog. I guess because I was open although she hated me initially it was a cleaner break. Actually lived in same house for 5 months with everyone knowing bizarre but true. Anyway 5 months on from divorce today was the first time it felt normal. Don't get me wrong the spark has completely gone out, friends is all I can offer her.

As to the future, I will have to be patient, give AP NC, space and see what happens. Sounds like cliche but I can't see me every being able to commit to another R as I know deep down if I was given the chance to have a proper R with her. I would be go to her in a heartbeat

 

I totally understand that. You love her and aren't looking for just anybody.

 

I got the terrible advice on this forum from an angry BS that I should just go out and find another affair to find passion. As is I was just looking for random passion with any random person. Grrr

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

I totally understand that. You love her and aren't looking for just anybody.

 

I got the terrible advice on this forum from an angry BS that I should just go out and find another affair to find passion. As is I was just looking for random passion with any random person. Grrr

They really don't understand the situation, I don't think any of us would choose an AP out of choice but we can't help who we fall in love with.

Who wouldn't choose somebody single and have a easy life but we love who we love and have to do the best we can. I suspect we all know it's wrong and perhaps we put up with the pain as we feel we deserve it. Anyway suggesting random passion is just downright ignorant

[Lucygolds]

Lucy, I was where you are today. The AP filled in where my husband was weak. Because of that I felt that divorce wasn't that scary. I was finally getting the things that I had been missing and it felt good. Whenever I was with AP I was happy and didn't have to deal with the shame and guilt that I did when I was with my husband. Unlike you I hadn't confessed but my husband knew. I remember thinking I wanted to stay married but if it ended it wouldn't be so bad.

 

As my husband became more distant and cold I blamed it on him being into his assistant who was a young really sexy girl that looked a lot like me. This made me feel less guilt for what I did and more open to divorce.

 

Then one day at work I got served with divorce papers and my whole world crashed. I threw up, I was a bawling mess. I rushed home and confessed my affair in a effort to fix things. His response in a very cold manner "its too late, I hate you for what you've done to us, to the kids and to yourself. I'm moving out today". What happened to my confidence? What happened to the idea that divorce wouldn't be so bad? It snapped me back into my reality I had ruined it, with this man I had loved since I was 16 years old. He hated me and told me the only thing he wanted in his life that reminded him of me was the kids.

 

I'm not saying that this will be you, what I'm saying is when we get involved with other men our true and real feelings can be overshadowed as we get caught up in how good we feel with this other person because they fill in the gaps of what's missing or what we've gone so long without.

 

After 5 years of IC, fixing my sh8t my now ex husband gave me a second chance.

 

Maybe my message won't reach you, maybe its misplaced. Just please make sure.

 

 

I appreciate any and all advice and others stories. I am very confused right now. I do love my H but I am not sure I am in love. I do love my exMOM but I know it is not right and would never be unless we were both single. My H and I have been very broken for years. I tried to talk to him but he always wanted to sweep it all under the rug and I let him. It was easier. We suffered through some very tough times but I never once thought either one of us would cheat.

 

My H had broken me. He made me feel as I was only good for cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids and sex. We almost never spent time together and everything was a fight. I never had even looked at another man during my M. Then I met exMOM. It all happened so slowly, we knew each other for a long time. It started with small talk and before I knew it I was in love and we had not even admitted it to one another. I denied it for a long time and before I knew it we were emailing one another and he was asking me to be his girlfriend and even though it sounded crazy because of our situation, that he would never have another girl. We needed each other. Before I knew it we were talking sex and then having it.

 

I have felt guilty for hurting my H and my family. For hurting his W and family as well. It kills me that I have become this woman but, I can say without a doubt that I would do it again. I needed to know this man and I miss him so much.

 

My H left when he first found out. I went into survival mode and started calling lawyers and finding out my rights. I called on family and friends to see what kind of support I would have.

 

Now, I know this sounds terrible but, I come from a long line of unhappy women. I swore I would never be one. I would never follow in their footsteps. My mom and Dad were both unfaithful. I was never sure who did what first. My Dad is remarried and happier then ever. My mom is a mess and she will from time to time say she should have never left my Dad. She is the one who wanted a D. Now with my grandma, I don't know everything but I had been told both had been unfaithful. I know that my grandma had two long term boyfriends.....one was still around at her death. She stayed with my grandfather and she was sad and miserable to the day she died.

 

I don't know where this leaves me. If you have seen any of my other posts then you would know that I have found that my husband had been searching for another women through FB for 8 months. He never found her but after a lot of questions and his story changing. I learned she was a waitress he met when out to dinner with co worker. His story is he wanted to offer her a job. Maybe he did something maybe he did not but, if I cheated and he was looking for this woman for 8 months are we really happy? I really just do not know what I am going to do right now. I do know that I will be happy some day and everything will be for the best. What ever happens. I do have that faith.

 

Right now my H is in the he wants to work on it. We really are not working on anything.....we both go up and down. I really hope he will go to MC with me.......So we can figure this all out......Right now my life is all limbo.

[jwi71]

I can only speak for myself, I am sure others feel differently. My comment was on a different NC thread that is why you can't find it here.

 

No, many AP's report this - and many of the list you provide as well.

All A's are different - and they're all the same (in a sense).

 

1. I will never know what it is like to truly be with the person I have fallen madly in love with and know all the little every day intricacies of who he is.

 

How many times had you met him? Are you certain you loved the man - or the fantasy of the man?

 

2. Regardless of how he told me he loves me, he didn't love me enough to try to be with me. I would have chosen him.

 

But you DIDN'T - and you don't choose him now. What you chose instead was to NOT D, not go to the MOM and remain in your own M.

 

3. I feel lost now that I realize the person I love is and will always be untouchable.

 

The person one loves is the one they invest in. You love the MOM because you invested yourself with/to him at the expense of your H. One way to help R your M, provided that is the goal, is to invest in your H.

 

4. The way he made me feel: adored, desired is gone forever.

 

Not true. You CAN have this back - if you want it. But its hard to see that as you pine for what could have been - locked ever in the path of could have been you cannot see what is - or what can be.

 

5. He was a friend and a support system and because he cannot contact me and work on his marriage. So I lost a very good friend (a best friend)

 

Are you certain he WAS a friend?

Would a friend treat you as such?

 

6. I will always wonder how it would have been to make love to him after us sharing our most inner secret preferences, his desires matching mine and a deep wish to do anything for each other. All of my sexual fantasies are around him now and no one can compare to them and I can't climax without thinking of him.

 

This is something that can be approached in IC - and plays much to 4) and 5) above. Sometimes a fantasy can be so intense - so prevalent that it affects reality as it does here - you can no longer climax w/o thoughts of the MOM.

 

7. I won't know how he feels about me now because we can't talk, but I assume he doesn't feel as much pain as I do, or else he would be calling me right now. So I am utterly heartbroken. I cry often knowing he didn't choose me.

 

Its not really about choice. And its not about not being chosen. Each of those are disparaging judgements you level against yourself. I'm not inclined to believe them. Words are easily lies; actions less so. What I see, in the little you have shared, is a fantasy that one (you) allowed to become all consuming and the other (MOM) when approaching this "critical juncture" walked away. It takes either powerful self control to walk from this bond - or his side of the bond was never real. And if he had such self control, why not exercise it and work on his M BEFORE?

 

8. Because no matter how much I didn't believe in cheating (even in an emotional affair) I wanted him so much I sacrificed my beliefs for him and as far as I can tell, so did he.

 

That's the rub - its like the old Eddie Murphy joke of the guy saying any sex, after a long drought, is the best ever. Yeah, applies here - long drought of your needs not being met, it feels safe and harmless to indulge a little online - then, in the blink of an eye, swept away. And the nagging void is suddenly this great gaping maw of awful. There is no easy way back from there. But most certainly possible. Happens all the time - and, despite you not caring too much for my views, I think you'll make it.

 

9. Because in the end he was a good enough of a husband to not sleep with me even though he wanted to and even though I pushed him to. He is a good guy and I am the bad girl and he looks even more dashing to me and I feel like a loser and rejected.

 

I think you and I both know that the only reason THAT didn't happen was distance. You give him too much credit. He is NOT a good guy- he was certainly engaging in inappropriate behavior - might not be cheating because we don't know what the W knew - or where the boundaries of their M were. Maybe it was ok for them to have friends - even emotional attachments - but sexual contact was off limits.

 

10. Because he will always look upon our connection with regret and I will always look upon him as someone I love

 

Your homework, and I know you are working on it, is WHY this EA cropped up. How you allowed yourself to walk this path, paraphrasing your own words, violated your own beliefs to cheat.

 

Connections are not easy to come by. But I tend to be VERY wary of connections w/o physical contact (no, not sex - actually spending time with one another). They, to me, lead to aggrandizement, fantasy and over-buying the other - because you don't really know until you spend time with them.

 

I hope your life, your M, finds the path you wish.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

They really don't understand the situation, I don't think any of us would choose an AP out of choice but we can't help who we fall in love with.

Who wouldn't choose somebody single and have a easy life but we love who we love and have to do the best we can. I suspect we all know it's wrong and perhaps we put up with the pain as we feel we deserve it. Anyway suggesting random passion is just downright ignorant

 

I appreciate any and all advice and others stories. I am very confused right now. I do love my H but I am not sure I am in love. I do love my exMOM but I know it is not right and would never be unless we were both single. My H and I have been very broken for years. I tried to talk to him but he always wanted to sweep it all under the rug and I let him. It was easier. We suffered through some very tough times but I never once thought either one of us would cheat.

 

My H had broken me. He made me feel as I was only good for cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids and sex. We almost never spent time together and everything was a fight. I never had even looked at another man during my M. Then I met exMOM. It all happened so slowly, we knew each other for a long time. It started with small talk and before I knew it I was in love and we had not even admitted it to one another. I denied it for a long time and before I knew it we were emailing one another and he was asking me to be his girlfriend and even though it sounded crazy because of our situation, that he would never have another girl. We needed each other. Before I knew it we were talking sex and then having it.

 

I have felt guilty for hurting my H and my family. For hurting his W and family as well. It kills me that I have become this woman but, I can say without a doubt that I would do it again. I needed to know this man and I miss him so much.

 

My H left when he first found out. I went into survival mode and started calling lawyers and finding out my rights. I called on family and friends to see what kind of support I would have.

 

Now, I know this sounds terrible but, I come from a long line of unhappy women. I swore I would never be one. I would never follow in their footsteps. My mom and Dad were both unfaithful. I was never sure who did what first. My Dad is remarried and happier then ever. My mom is a mess and she will from time to time say she should have never left my Dad. She is the one who wanted a D. Now with my grandma, I don't know everything but I had been told both had been unfaithful. I know that my grandma had two long term boyfriends.....one was still around at her death. She stayed with my grandfather and she was sad and miserable to the day she died.

 

I don't know where this leaves me. If you have seen any of my other posts then you would know that I have found that my husband had been searching for another women through FB for 8 months. He never found her but after a lot of questions and his story changing. I learned she was a waitress he met when out to dinner with co worker. His story is he wanted to offer her a job. Maybe he did something maybe he did not but, if I cheated and he was looking for this woman for 8 months are we really happy? I really just do not know what I am going to do right now. I do know that I will be happy some day and everything will be for the best. What ever happens. I do have that faith.

 

Right now my H is in the he wants to work on it. We really are not working on anything.....we both go up and down. I really hope he will go to MC with me.......So we can figure this all out......Right now my life is all limbo.

 

Wow, how confusing. But it is certainly understandable how you ended up where you are.

 

Of course no one can tell you what you should do, but my counselor said to me that it is always best to do the best you can to save what you have so at least you don't ever wonder if you tried hard enough and then, if it doesn't work, then you know at that point it is time to split up. But I think it first take work. Daily work. Being in limbo or sweeping it under the rug just won't work. Also, since your mind is with this other fellow, you will never be able to focus fully on the hubby.

 

I don't know for sure what you should do, but if it were me, since the other guy IS still married and last you heard from him, is still working on the marriage, you should resolve to let him go in your heart as much as you can until you have made a really good attempt to save or end your current marriage. You just can't do both and be happy IMO. You said your grandmother had BFs and was unhappy. Your dad cheated and wasn't happy with your mother until he left. I just don't think it is easy to do more than one relationship at the same time. All relationships suffer. So to me it seems clear that since you are currently still with hubby you need to sort out your business there before you can truly have another relationship, but I know it is easier said than done. No contact is good for now.

[Waverly]

1. Who initiated "No Contact" and why?

 

He did. We broke up last fall, but were in daily contact for months afterwards. You can read my old threads if you want the full backstory. Short version: staying in contact was, quite literally, destroying both of us.

 

2. Do you plan on ever breaking NC?

 

I don't plan on it, no. When we talked about going NC, it was never intended to be forever. And, if I'm being honest, I feel worse since it started (two months ago or so). But he needed it, and I'm hoping at one point things will start to improve for me too. He knows I didn't want NC, but I can't be the one to break it at this point.

 

3. Do they break NC with you?

 

No. For a while there, he would declare he needed a break, and then email me a half hour later. It never stuck. This time it has... and I have to assume it will continue, as much as I hate it.

 

4. If they initiated NC did they ever show regret later down the line?

 

TBD.

[MatchStick]

I was asked to give space. I am doing my best. I am suffering. I would love to hear other people's NC stories.

 

1. Who initiated "No Contact" and why?

2. Do you plan on ever breaking NC?

3. Do they break NC with you?

4. If they initiated NC did they ever show regret later down the line?

 

I, too, was married OW. I kind of drifted into this EA, and right before AP, the wife stalked XMM email and found out we liked spending time together. It's a long story how I came to NC. In fact, I broke off contact for life eight hours right after I thought that would never happen. To make a long story short, I've always preached "when problems seem confusing, hold on. You will know what to do when the path is clear." And the path became clear, and I made the horrible and painful choice to NC. He was waffling, he sounded all weird, too many contradictions, feeling strung along, then him saying how he would follow marital counseling advice when I had said the same things gently all along. He preached how he had to be all honorable to W, then wanted to see me, behind her back, for a cup of coffee a couple of months down the road. The quality of this R seemed to be deteriorating by the second. And really, at the heart of it, I'm not OW material and it seemed he wanted it that way and for me to like it too. Also, the realization that this MM is having problems in his long term Marriage, and stemming from the fact he is having problems with himself, played a factor. Yes, sometimes I miss him, but overall, I'm at peace, happier, felt I did the best I could towards a friend, NC is the best I could do for us both, took care of myself....and it goes on. I feel healthier. I know healthier relations are out there, and I'm glad I at least keep my karma open to that!

[Lucygolds]

Wow, how confusing. But it is certainly understandable how you ended up where you are.

 

Of course no one can tell you what you should do, but my counselor said to me that it is always best to do the best you can to save what you have so at least you don't ever wonder if you tried hard enough and then, if it doesn't work, then you know at that point it is time to split up. But I think it first take work. Daily work. Being in limbo or sweeping it under the rug just won't work. Also, since your mind is with this other fellow, you will never be able to focus fully on the hubby.

 

I don't know for sure what you should do, but if it were me, since the other guy IS still married and last you heard from him, is still working on the marriage, you should resolve to let him go in your heart as much as you can until you have made a really good attempt to save or end your current marriage. You just can't do both and be happy IMO. You said your grandmother had BFs and was unhappy. Your dad cheated and wasn't happy with your mother until he left. I just don't think it is easy to do more than one relationship at the same time. All relationships suffer. So to me it seems clear that since you are currently still with hubby you need to sort out your business there before you can truly have another relationship, but I know it is easier said than done. No contact is good for now.

 

As hard as it is, I have no intention to email or facebook him. I do not want to make anything worse for either one of us. I am doing my best to work on me and seeing what I can do with my marriage. Right now I know that I need to let my H settle and come to terms with everything. I have no idea if we can save our marriage or if we will D at this point but I am willing to wait and give it a real chance. Now if I do run into my exMOM man again....I am pretty sure I will at least say hello and if he were to send me an email......I do not know if I could not respond. As much as I feel like I love him.....I know that we were in a bubble. We only saw the best sides of one another. We did not know what it was to be with one another day in and day out. What we were like angry or how we dealt with issues. Even if we would have planned to leave our spouses for one another, What kind of hell would that be.....Two nasty D and custody battles.....having to deal with nasty ex's. How would that be for our relationship. Could we have survived that? There is a small part of me that fantasizes about us both getting a D and finding one another again but I know that is far fetched. So I am doing my best to focus on me......I am working on getting a new job. I am being hired in a small gym here with very limited hours doing new member orientations. When I finish my personal training certification they will let me start training there. I have another interview tomorrow at a gym that is not actually hiring but wanted me to come in anyway. I am doing my best to focus on my certification and just keep busy. It is all I can do right now.