WAW wants a divorce

[DB123]

Hi I hope you can help

 

Been together 10.5 years, married 6 years with a 7 year old daughter.

 

The W dropped the bomb in March that she needed space due to my drinking problem. I had been drinking every night for the last 5 years due to the stress of being a teacher. Many time she told me that she had enough of me drinking. I just shrugged it off as whinning and cultural difference ( she is North American, I'm a Brit). I had said if you don't like it leave - I never thought she would.

 

Well she had enough at the begin of March and started withdrawing and telling me that she needed space. I was still around but quit drinking apart from for three days when I had a hard time at work.

 

At two different points we had make-up sex because she didn't want to lose me. We talked about a foreign holiday at Easter but I backed out of it because I wanted to holiday in the UK due to the dog and having a new campervan.

 

She want away for a week at the begin of Easter with work and when she came back she was very withdrawn. We had several arguments over the following two week whereby she wanted a divorce. She told me that she no longer loves me. She has started planning her escape by telling the D's school, her work and parents. She has talked about moving into an apartment but that has since changed when I suggested that she stays in the marital whilst it sells. We have come to an agreement on finances and custody. I will be having the daughter for four nights when I move back to parents three miles away.

 

I will be moving out in two weeks whilst she is at her parents for two weeks with my daughter. The problem for her is that she is going to sell the house by herself (I said I will not because I did all the work to buy it last summer and did all the work to buy and sell the old house). I am hoping that she will realise what she is losing when she is home alone four nights a week (probably only three because I am having the D on Saturday nights so that she can go out with workmates).

 

The problem she will have is that she has no family in the UK and she has cried a few times that she is going to be lonely. She has also cried that she feels a failure that the marriage has not worked..

 

We have problems with the lack of communication over the last few years and I have been the one to sort out property, vehicles and household bills. She is really upset that I have been nasty to her several times when I have been drunk and once called her fat and several times boring because she wouldn't come out to the bar.

 

She has withdrawn but she will look me in the eyes when I talk to her and she doesn't flinch when I put my hand on her. I have tried a new tactic over the last few nights by really opening up to her and telling her thinks and saying what I will miss about her. She thinks that I will turn against her again. She did tell me last weekend that she wished I had given up drinking two years ago. I have hardly drank since the begin of March.

 

I am starting to try and fill her love bank and trying to do a 180. I was going to dark her out but she seemed upset that I wanted to cut contact to her. However, I have blocked her on FB.

 

She is currently in the USA with my daughter visiting family.

 

Finally, I am opening up to her and being more honest and caring, and telling her what it is I like/love/care about her as a person. I know she might thing that I am saying yo get her back but I am doing it in a sincere way and I put my hand on her to reassure her.

 

Any advice please.

[DB123]

I have also come to the realisation that I am an alcoholic rather than a person that drinks to wind down. This is what cause the pain and resentment from the wife and this is what I need to work on.

 

I am going to go to AA to work through it.

[Hoosfoos]

Ask yourself: What bond is stronger, the one between you and the booze, or the one with between you and her?

[FredJones80]

I have also come to the realisation that I am an alcoholic rather than a person that drinks to wind down. This is what cause the pain and resentment from the wife and this is what I need to work on.

 

I am going to go to AA to work through it.

 

I was going to say this after reading your first post.

 

You're using alcohol to deal with stress and drinking everyday near enough for 5 years, no wonder your wife has had enough.

 

Calling her fat and boring?

 

I'm surprised she has stayed this long.

 

Sorry, but this has been brewing for a long time caused by your own selfishness and lack of action. You'll be lucky if you can get her back or to stay and if you do you should count yourself extremely lucky and never repeat this mistake.

 

If you lose her you only have yourself to blame. You took her for granted and now **** has hit the fan, you should of being doing this work years ago rather than at the last chance saloon.

 

Good luck.

[DB123]

I was going to say this after reading your first post.

 

You're using alcohol to deal with stress and drinking everyday near enough for 5 years, no wonder your wife has had enough.

 

Calling her fat and boring?

 

I'm surprised she has stayed this long.

 

Sorry, but this has been brewing for a long time caused by your own selfishness and lack of action. You'll be lucky if you can get her back or to stay and if you do you should count yourself extremely lucky and never repeat this mistake.

 

If you lose her you only have yourself to blame. You took her for granted and now **** has hit the fan, you should of being doing this work years ago rather than at the last chance saloon.

 

Good luck.

 

I might have been an a***hole with her at times but she has also said nasty things to me as well.

 

I have been great father to my D7 and I encourage to be the best she can be at what ever she does and have deep and meaningful talks with her especially when she is being sensitive. I take her to school everyday and collect her two nights a week.

 

The relationship has broken down due to my drinking and a lack of communication over the last few years and lack of intimacy recently. I feel that the W is having doubts about her role as mother and wife. It is weird that I will be having the D7 for four nights a week.

[DB123]

Ask yourself: What bond is stronger, the one between you and the booze, or the one with between you and her?

 

I am going to work on my addiction and my affair with booze. I am trying to organise activities that don't require drinking so that I can change my lifestyle.

[jakrbbt]

My husband realized over a decade ago (before I even met him) that he could not stop drinking on his own-- that the thing was bigger than he was, and he had no real control over it. That is when he went to AA, I think he went every day for a while and then once a week. He still goes occasionally. He has not had a drink since I've known him, and I have great admiration for that-- even though we are having problems in our marriage.

 

I also have no doubt that, if he had not gotten a support group and considered each day one day at a time, he would have turned to alcohol during our difficult problems this past 2 years. If he had done that, he would not have his precious bond with his son, he might have a drunk driving charge or similar, and he'd be far less likely to get as much visitation with his child after any divorce. But I'm sure you realize all that kind of thing.

 

The point is, you have more than just a past, you also have a future. My husband has taken on a few hobbies with a vengeance. He has no trouble being around alcohol and hasn't become some kind of no-fun, abstemious person or anything.

 

You can still be quite social without pubs. For a couple years, my husband had these weekly coffee mornings at his apartment downtown, where all his friends and acquaintances knew he'd be serving espressos (one of his hobbies) at a standing time every Sunday. People started bringing deserts and trading books et c. As for me, I am very social and I love dinner parties. My advice is, before you go to bed each night, be able to say that you did something toward your new future-- even if it might fail or you might have to try something new or it might be slow going. Because I think you need a change from the pubs and drinking. You can't change your wife or make her accept your changes. And I'm not assuming you're the only one with any need for change. I'm not at all assuming you need to change EVERYthing-- sounds like you're a good father and probably a good friend. That's why it's crucial that you preserve a good future, because you can have one.

[DB123]

Do you think there is any hope because she has a lot of anger and resentment because she has had to make this decision and pull apart the family?

[2sunny]

Have you checked to see if she is having an affair with someone at her work?

 

Since she was emotionally distant after her work away - I would assume her emotional connection may lie there.

 

Good work quitting the booze. Whether you're with your W or not I hope you continue to not drink. Life for me is way better this way...6+ years now. Best way = do all the steps as quickly as possible by asking someone to guide you.

[DB123]

I have asked that but she was emotionally distant before she went away for a month. She had said there isn't anyone one else and was upset that I mentioned it meaning that she wasn't strong enough doing it alone. When she went away for six days she was working a long 12 hour day. She has just had enough

[jakrbbt]

Yes, I think there's hope. But there's a bit of an ironic twist to it. I think there is more hope the more you figure out how you would be happy anyway, with or without her. That does NOT mean ignoring her or feigning indifference, no no no. It simply means becoming a more productive, secure person who knows what he wants and takes care of himself and his situation very well. That is where the hope lies either way: It is more likely to melt the resentment, but it's also more likely to give you a better overall future without her if she still decides to leave.

[DB123]

Jakrbbt

 

That is the best advice I have heard off anyone since this has happened. I need to make myself a better person because all I have done for years is lay on the sofa drinking after work.

 

Do you have anymore tips?

[DB123]

Should I detach and (nc) walk away from this to give her space so that she can sort herself out and maybe miss me and the daughter?