Having a hard time being a female virgin in college

[Cafe au lait]

I'm a freshman girl in college who has always been very academics focused and career ambitious. I'm also a virgin, and it's something that's been bothering me more and more as I grow older. I'm now 18. I'm picky when it comes to guys, and I only had one relationship in high school- pursued a guy all of junior year, and senior year we started dating but never had sex (he was also a virgin). He was, however, my first kiss. Looking back, the relationship was ridiculous because it was long-distance (we would see each other every month or so) and yet I was so crazy about him. It was difficult finding places to be intimate because we were mostly only able to meet up in public due to a number of reasons. At the end of my senior year, I was about ready to give up my virginity to him but he refused to drive 3 hours to my senior prom (he may not have thought I was serious about having sex with him). We broke up shortly after, when I found out he'd been making out with a girl friend, told her he loved her (never told me that), and literally said he didn't care about me. Like I said, in hindsight it was ridiculous how infatuated I was with him, the evidence being he's probably the only guy I've ever been willing to lose my virginity to.

 

At the beginning of summer, I contacted a guy 4 years older than me that I hadn't spoken to since we had gone to high school together (when he was a senior and I was a freshman). I knew he had been attracted to me back then but never made a move, and so I went out on a limb and we arranged to meet up. I think I gave him the impression that we would have sex, but though we met up twice, I could never bring myself to go all the way. The farthest he got was taking off my bra.

 

For the rest of my 4 month long summer, I had a blast hanging out with two platonic male friends (separately) and traveling around the world with family and by myself. I was like, who cares if I'm a virgin when I'm having the time of my life right now? I also had 3 good friends who were all virgins, and who were also very successful people, so I felt better about myself.

 

In college, I had promised myself beforehand that I would keep my priorities straight by getting good grades and winning competitions while not worrying about guys. I pretty much stuck to this, partying only rarely and studying really damn hard (I go to one of the most academically rigorous colleges in the US). I made out with two guys, and that's it. In college, virgins are the minority, and now I feel like I have to hide my status for fear of being called a "prude" behind my back, especially by the large number of frat guys I have to interact with on a regular basis (due to activities I'm in). I haven't told anyone here I'm a virgin, and no one has asked, but maybe people who are around me long enough suspect that I am. I can't believe I'm writing a post on LoveShack about this, but an incident today really made me feel bad and begin questioning my decision to stay a virgin.

 

I went to dinner with 3 people who live in the same dorm as me. I invited them all, and we're not really friends, but we get along and know each other from living nearby. At dinner, Mia asks us all, what's the craziest thing you did in high school? I answered first, and said I went streaking with some friends. Jake answers by saying he had a 5(!) person orgy. This leads to Jake and Mia talking about their exes, first loves, what it means to be in love, having sex with their current SO, having 5 person orgies, etc. I just kinda laughed and made little comments at the right time, while Sara did the same thing. I was thinking, great, I'm not the only virgin here, until she whispers to me that her appetite has changed since going on birth control. I sensed that none of them suspected I was a virgin (probably because of the streaking thing), which I was relieved about, but their conversation made me feel uncomfortable and like I was hiding something.

 

Okay, so, why am I a virgin? There are a multitude of reasons. I was raised in a very conservative household, I have acne on my chest, I don't know if my pubic area is trimmed to a guy's liking, I am strangely fascinated by people like the Duggars who wait until marriage for sex (though I am not religious and not strictly opposed to pre-marital sex), and most of all, because I've only been in one relationship. I have always been 100% sure that I want my first time to be while I'm in a serious relationship, because I know that I'm a person who will get emotionally attached. I've turned down all the guys that have hit on me at college because I know I won't be ready to have sex with them until much later than they're used to, and also because I'm super busy with schoolwork.

 

In an environment where no one talks about sex, I'm perfectly happy waiting until I've found "the one." But in college, where everything seems to revolve around sex, I'm faced with a dilemma. I can hook up with some random guy and feel terribly used but also emotionally attached to him later, or I can keep waiting but have to hide my virgin status. The ideal is that either I make peace with myself being a virgin, or enter a serious relationship (which I hardly have the time for). I also have not met a single person who I could see myself in a serious relationship with.

 

Any advice?

[somedude81]

"I don't have time to be in a relationship" is such a goofy line.

 

It really does not take that much time to be in a real relationship.

[Cafe au lait]

Eh, disagree on that point. Because personally, I'm very emotional and would end up daydreaming about him a lot as well as wanting to hang out/text/talk all the time.

[somedude81]

So then you're saying that you don't have any self control?

 

LOL, that's still pretty goofy.

 

Do you think you'd enjoy being in a relationship?

[Cafe au lait]

So then you're saying that you don't have any self control?

 

LOL, that's still pretty goofy.

 

Do you think you'd enjoy being in a relationship?

 

Well I mean...it's rather difficult to control thoughts.

 

Yes, probably. But where am I going to find a college guy willing to wait 6 months or more for sex?

 

could be worse. could be a male. firstworldproblems

 

Lol, a lot of things on this forum are #firstworldproblems. But yeah, I felt kind of silly posting. It's just that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it lately.

[ayala]

First of all, I didn't lose mine until I was in my 20s.

 

It's really no big deal to wait to lose your virginity and it's perfectly fine to still be one, waiting for the right person. It just means you have standards you want to stick to. Just because you're a virgin, doesn't mean you can't be sexually experienced (Getting to third base and not home of course)

 

It's very rare to find a virgin in their 20s these days. Some guys love it because there's a chance that you'll share that with them and it makes them feel good about themselves that they were so special to you.

 

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with losing it to someone you're not getting married to. It's different for everyone.

 

Just go with what you feel most comfortable with, not what other people tell you. It's none of their business and it's not their life. It's yours! Take pride in it because there's no one else like you. Go with what you think feels right, whatever your intuition says. Trust it. Just make sure you get to know him well before deciding. A lot of men will deceive girls to get what they want and then disappear.

[Els]

I think your priorities are fine. It's definitely a good idea to focus on your career/education in your early twenties, and take Rs as they come. Your career/education will stay with you forever, whereas the majority of the boys you meet in your early 20s won't (not all, but most cases).

 

I also think that now would be a good time for you to learn to live the life you want to live, regardless of the opinions of other college students. If YOU feel you would enjoy random casual sex then by all means go for it. But if you are happy remaining a virgin, then do that. There is no point in living a false life that you are unhappy with just to fit in.

 

I don't know about guys in your college, but IME there are definitely men who are fine with waiting (and seriously, 6 months is nothing!). Don't worry about it, and also don't worry about your chest acne or pubic hair. You probably don't want the guys who are very fastidious about those anyway.

 

Make peace with yourself and take things as they come IMO. You have your whole life ahead of you.

 

If you do cave into the pressure to have sex (not that I'd recommend doing it due to pressure, but just in case), be very sure to NOT cave into the pressure to have unprotected sex. THAT will really haunt you for the rest of your life, if you pick up an STD or get pregnant.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I lost my virginity shortly before I turned 19 largely in part because I felt it was something that best be gotten out of the way as I was "getting too old". That was only 5 short years ago and I still could slap myself today. Not for losing it, but for my reasons behind it.

 

After losing my virginity, I was disillusioned both with the guy I lost it to (a lame, pseudo boyfriend about 6 years my senior) and with the act itself. My subsequent sexual encounters with him were mechanical and about as fulfilling as a gynecological exam.

 

It took me several years and a few other partners to get to the point where I actually desired having sex for reasons beyond because doing it is what I felt was an activity someone my age should be engaging in. It took me yet more time to reach a point where I actually ENJOYED it.

 

So you see, I had lost my virginity, but to what end? What did I really gain from it other than to say I had done it? In hindsight, I would much rather have lost my virginity because I was mentally and physically ready to do so. NOT because everyone else was doing it so why not.

 

 

Sex is heavily prevalent at some colleges, yes, but college campuses are not exactly Dante's Inferno. You're not looked at with utter and compete derision if you aren't having random hookups every second of every day and there aren't 24 hour orgies going on in the dormitory halls. Besides, people only know you're a virgin if you tell them.

 

My vote, don't have sex until you feel the genuine desire for it, meet a guy you really like, etc. I'm not saying you have to wait to be in love or even in a relationship but don't just have some random hook up for the hell of it. You'll only disappoint yourself.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think your priorities are fine. It's definitely a good idea to focus on your career/education in your early twenties, and take Rs as they come. Your career/education will stay with you forever, whereas the majority of the boys you meet in your early 20s won't (not all, but most cases).

 

I also think that now would be a good time for you to learn to live the life you want to live, regardless of the opinions of other college students. If YOU feel you would enjoy random casual sex then by all means go for it. But if you are happy remaining a virgin, then do that. There is no point in living a false life that you are unhappy with just to fit in.

 

I don't know about guys in your college, but IME there are definitely men who are fine with waiting (and seriously, 6 months is nothing!). Don't worry about it, and also don't worry about your chest acne or pubic hair. You probably don't want the guys who are very fastidious about those anyway.

 

Make peace with yourself and take things as they come IMO. You have your whole life ahead of you.

 

If you do cave into the pressure to have sex (not that I'd recommend doing it due to pressure, but just in case), be very sure to NOT cave into the pressure to have unprotected sex. THAT will really haunt you for the rest of your life, if you pick up an STD or get pregnant.

 

 

 

Wise advice....OP...pay close attention...

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

Consider the fact that many of these people are lying or exaggerating to make themselves look cooler.

 

If you lose your Virginity for the wrong reasons it will do more damage then being the "odd" one in your group. At the very least wait until you are comfortable with the other person, turned on & intellectually OK with the decision. If there is nobody you can see yourself with, don't do it.

 

Think ahead. What do you want to be able to tell your future daughter about losing your virginity when she comes to you asking for advice? I hope it's more then well I did it because all my friends were & I don't even remember his name; he was some guy I picked up at a party.

[stillafool]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with still being a virgin at 18. If you were 33 my eyebrow would raise. Hold on to your virginity until you fall in love with a guy who is in love with you. I promise you he will cherish the fact that you are a virgin.

[Potz4prez]

Consider the fact that many of these people are lying or exaggerating to make themselves look cooler.

 

If you lose your Virginity for the wrong reasons it will do more damage then being the "odd" one in your group. At the very least wait until you are comfortable with the other person, turned on & intellectually OK with the decision. If there is nobody you can see yourself with, don't do it.

 

Think ahead. What do you want to be able to tell your future daughter about losing your virginity when she comes to you asking for advice? I hope it's more then well I did it because all my friends were & I don't even remember his name; he was some guy I picked up at a party.

 

People always say this... is it only true for girls, or true at all? I feel like it's a major exaggeration.

 

I lost mine to some Ausie chick in Budapest. Couldn't care less. Wish I would have gotten it out of the way before I was done with college... would have opened myself up to a whole lot more relationships and fun.

[littleplanet]

Great post, OP.

If it was a term paper I'd give it a straight A

 

You lay out the situation (and your priorities) just fine.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders, and are in an environment where you intend to use it, to its best advantage. All to the good!

All else........is sidetracking and distraction.

 

That being said - there's the social side of things.

My gut sense says that this should (and ultimately, will) happen when your requirements are filled, and not before.

Which means someone you care about, who cares about you, too.

 

You know - in my little school (my country's largest university) in the library where I work....I find girls in the study hall all the time - texting for hours on end during exam prep time.

You know.

If it gets in the way......then that's what it does.

 

On the other hand, a school environment is still social...........

says a lot that you haven't met anyone yet who's rung that bell.

That can be because you're too damned busy.

It could be because you're not sending any signals.

It could be because you're very picky.

And that's no crime.

 

I finally 'lost' my virginity at the age of 20. (where did it go? haven't found it yet.)

To someone who has loved me for 4 decades.

Someone who I never (romantically) loved back - but still remain friends with and care about, a good deal.

So........it wasn't the way I wanted it to go....

but all in all, not a bad choice.

 

You are the one in control. That's good.

 

And it seems to me from your tone - that the serious relationship thing is an absolute requirement for you. Nothing wrong with that. Makes perfectly good sense.

Of course - that will require balancing out a number of things.

Since you've never had one, it will all be a learning curve.

You'll certainly know it when it arrives!

 

Until then....the landmine landscape of frat boys bounces around you.....

no doubt in an environment where random sexuality roars through like a Florida hurricane.

 

But in the meantime: the sum total of your value to yourself (and meaningful others) has precious little to do with your sexual experience.

One day the measurement of you will be added up in academic credentials.

(and no end of other life experiences)

and the sexual part.......waits until it makes sense.

 

To YOU.

(no-one else)

- except the one truly worthy of earning that precise and unique favor.

 

So does this sound like I'm advocating the ultimate, endless waiting game?

Hey.

He could show up tomorrow!

 

(But I'm guessing he'll take his own sweet time, whoever he is.......)

Edited May 26, 2014 by littleplanet

[Cafe au lait]

First off, thank you everyone for sharing your insights. It's great to hear from those with more life experience.

 

People always say this... is it only true for girls, or true at all? I feel like it's a major exaggeration.

 

I lost mine to some Ausie chick in Budapest. Couldn't care less. Wish I would have gotten it out of the way before I was done with college... would have opened myself up to a whole lot more relationships and fun.

 

I've thought about that, actually. I know that after I do it once, the "flood gates" will be open, so to speak. Having sex won't be a big deal anymore. The problem is that the first time IS a big deal, at least to me, so perhaps that is a difference between males and females? It seems like generally females cherish their virginity more.

 

On the other hand, a school environment is still social...........

says a lot that you haven't met anyone yet who's rung that bell.

That can be because you're too damned busy.

It could be because you're not sending any signals.

It could be because you're very picky.

And that's no crime.

 

Haha well, there are definitely a lot of attractive guys here, just no one that I see as relationship material. It's kind of the consensus here that hooking up is much more common than relationships. On top of that, all the relationships I know of seem to basically be using each other for sex with the occasional obligation to buy romantic gifts or cook a meal for the other person. I have a very cynical view, I know.

 

There's a guy that I kind of like right now, but he's in a frat and I'm very skeptical of frat guys because of how much they drink, party, and hook up. The worst part is when they objectify women as no more than things to bang, basically. Anyway, I think this guy likes me and he's helped me with a lot of school stuff. We also have similar ambitions after college. But it seems like he's had sex with a lot of women, and it would be downright embarrassing for someone in his frat to go without sex for 6 months or a year. How could he possibly have a relationship with me? So I guess I'll keep looking.

 

^ Pretty much how I've felt about multiple guys at college.

 

EDIT: He said an interesting thing to me the other day, which makes me think he understands me somewhat. I asked him if maybe I shouldn't be a bio major because I would be in classes with people who were really good at bio, making the grading curves very tough. He reassured me that it wouldn't be a problem, because there would always be some people who were too lazy to study, some who didn't care, others who "were like, 'hey I'm going to go have sex with my boyfriend now instead of studying'", etc. I was surprised he said that in front of the 3 other people in the room, two guys in his frat and the girlfriend of one of them. They looked at him but didn't say anything, and I was amused.

Edited May 26, 2014 by Cafe au lait

[d0nnivain]

People always say this... is it only true for girls, or true at all? I feel like it's a major exaggeration.

 

I lost mine to some Ausie chick in Budapest. Couldn't care less. Wish I would have gotten it out of the way before I was done with college... would have opened myself up to a whole lot more relationships and fun.

 

Men & women view & experience sex very differently. Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. I know men who lost their virginity under what I would consider awful circumstances with no problems. I have seen women be devastated when men who professed to love them turned out not to be all about forever.

 

Based on the OPs whole post, she will not have a positive experience in a one night stand at this point in her life.

[Potz4prez]

Men & women view & experience sex very differently. Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. I know men who lost their virginity under what I would consider awful circumstances with no problems.

 

Over generalization is general.

 

I'm the type of guy who likes to feel something for a girl before sleeping with her. One night stands are unfulfilling, but not soul wrecking.

 

I have seen women be devastated when men who professed to love them turned out not to be all about forever.

 

THIS I can understand. But there's nothing wrong with a casual one-night stand where both parties know what's up.

[littleplanet]

First off, thank you everyone for sharing your insights. It's great to hear from those with more life experience.

 

 

 

I've thought about that, actually. I know that after I do it once, the "flood gates" will be open, so to speak. Having sex won't be a big deal anymore. The problem is that the first time IS a big deal, at least to me, so perhaps that is a difference between males and females? It seems like generally females cherish their virginity more.

 

 

 

Haha well, there are definitely a lot of attractive guys here, just no one that I see as relationship material. It's kind of the consensus here that hooking up is much more common than relationships. On top of that, all the relationships I know of seem to basically be using each other for sex with the occasional obligation to buy romantic gifts or cook a meal for the other person. I have a very cynical view, I know.

 

There's a guy that I kind of like right now, but he's in a frat and I'm very skeptical of frat guys because of how much they drink, party, and hook up. The worst part is when they objectify women as no more than things to bang, basically. Anyway, I think this guy likes me and he's helped me with a lot of school stuff. We also have similar ambitions after college. But it seems like he's had sex with a lot of women, and it would be downright embarrassing for someone in his frat to go without sex for 6 months or a year. How could he possibly have a relationship with me? So I guess I'll keep looking.

 

^ Pretty much how I've felt about multiple guys at college.

 

EDIT: He said an interesting thing to me the other day, which makes me think he understands me somewhat. I asked him if maybe I shouldn't be a bio major because I would be in classes with people who were really good at bio, making the grading curves very tough. He reassured me that it wouldn't be a problem, because there would always be some people who were too lazy to study, some who didn't care, others who "were like, 'hey I'm going to go have sex with my boyfriend now instead of studying'", etc. I was surprised he said that in front of the 3 other people in the room, two guys in his frat and the girlfriend of one of them. They looked at him but didn't say anything, and I was amused.

 

 

 

Well, that appears to be the big deal.

If your first time is important to you then being the object of some young fool to 'bang' will be exactly what it's worth, and no more than that.

(I get the distinct impression that you are worth more than that.)

 

How to quantify it?

I remember certain values - even at that age.

Compassion, tenderness, gentleness, caring, FRIENDLY!,

along with genuine liking.....if not loving.

Curiosity, too.

(and no end of hormonal fun.)

But nobody got hurt.

Nobody got tossed aside, used.

It mattered.

 

Somehow.....so much of this seems to have gone out of date, out of style - old school (ironic)

You see - back then, there was just as much primal urge - sure.

But there wasn't that 'super-sophisto' techno-prepped hardline hardedge hardcore attitude (and I'm talking about college days, here.)

We weren't all 'measured' (like for emotional coffins) as if by sexual undertakers, you know?

 

I'm sure you must feel at times like you're going upstream with a popsicle stick for a paddle - while the Mighty Mississippi rolls on by you thundering the other way.

 

But hey. Sex sells. It's a Big Fat Industry. And it is relentless....inexorable.

(Which is why so many buy so soon and so young.)

Their hormones don't stand a chance.

 

Again.

I'd wait for that guy who can just sweep you right off your feet.

For real and genuine.

 

I dunno.

Why did I believe in the same kinds of things as you do at your age?

Simple.

I never joined any "boys" clubs.

I preferred to define my (young) manhood in my own way.

 

I get the distinct impression you're more inclined to define your gender your own way, too.

That doesn't make you hopelessly old-fashioned.

It makes you..........you.

 

And you're absolutley blessed to be able to see the humor in it.

Keep down that path and you'll be fine!

[preraph]

I can trump you. Try being the only virgin in a hippie commune sometime and not HAVING a chest. I made up for lost time later though.

 

You have to move at your own pace. But your chest acne problem -- jeez dermatologists can fix nearly anything like that these days with laser and peels and creams. It's not cheap, but it would be good for your confidence to see a dermatologist and fix it.

[hasaquestion]

"I don't have time to be in a relationship" is such a goofy line.

 

It really does not take that much time to be in a real relationship.

 

 

OP you're not going to find "relationship-minded" people at a top school. That's what you signed up for. A place where people don't have time to worry about dating and will generally look for hookups, and the few relationships are generally sex plus benefits, not some kind of romance novel emotional connection.

 

Its really not a big deal to be a female virgin. And you don't have to broadcast it or wear a nametag that says "virgin" on it. Just do what you want to do.

[Cafe au lait]

I can trump you. Try being the only virgin in a hippie commune sometime and not HAVING a chest. I made up for lost time later though.

 

Not having a chest??

 

You have to move at your own pace. But your chest acne problem -- jeez dermatologists can fix nearly anything like that these days with laser and peels and creams. It's not cheap, but it would be good for your confidence to see a dermatologist and fix it.

 

Well, they're actually like 6 year old acne scars. They are keloids, which are raised red scars that grow beyond the original scar area. They are bad enough that I haven't worn low cut tops since I was 12, but I wouldn't call them monstrous, either. When I went out with Mia and the others, she noticed a couple that were peeking out from my shirt and was really concerned and asked if I was okay. I had tried covering them with makeup and she thought they were hickeys, lol...

 

Multiple dermatologist visits have made them better than they used to be, but it's still not nearly good enough to show in public.

 

 

OP you're not going to find "relationship-minded" people at a top school. That's what you signed up for. A place where people don't have time to worry about dating and will generally look for hookups, and the few relationships are generally sex plus benefits, not some kind of romance novel emotional connection.

 

Its really not a big deal to be a female virgin. And you don't have to broadcast it or wear a nametag that says "virgin" on it. Just do what you want to do.

 

Fine, fair enough. -.- But I really don't want to go through the next 3 years without ANY hope of finding someone.

 

In response to what you and some others have said about not "broadcasting" that I'm a virgin, I certainly don't, but I feel like it's kinda obvious when people are all talking about sex and I have little to say. I could lie, but it doesn't feel right. Surely people will find out eventually? If someone flat out asks me in a game of truth or dare, for example, I'm going to be truthful.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Cafe au lait

[Snagglepuss89]

You're eighteen, you're in college and despite cultural norms and peer pressure you're holding off having sex until you find the right person for it.

 

As a guy, I don't consider that weird, I consider that seriously classy.

 

Don't worry about the scars on your chest. They won't deter a guy who either A.) You're in a serious relationship with, or B.) You're just hooking up with. One wants laid and the other wants you, neither are going to care that much about them.

 

Personally, I say don't take it hard that you're still a virgin, take it as a good sign about your standards and willpower not to bend to others' values about sex and when it's appropriate.

[giblesp]

Men & women view & experience sex very differently. Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex.

 

With respect this is absolute nonsense. For me to sexually function as a man, I look for love, caring and intimacy.

 

And believe me when I say, I've met many women who wanted heartless sex, before running back to their boyfriends.

[giblesp]

OP, what are you really looking for? If its a loving partner then be clear with yourself and life that is what you want.

 

The first sexual experience we have, that stays with us for life. If we do something we regret, that stays with us for life and though we can recover from it, it might take a lot of time and work. It might affect the quality of our relationships in later life.

 

We're in a society where the sacred act of lovemaking has become cheap.

 

I'll give you some advice which I hope you'll take. Wait for love to happen with someone. Take it from there.

 

Casual encounters are empty and can produce empty people. For some, it might become very hard to express love in lovemaking after a string of casual experiences, as the persons body and mind has become 'trained' to sex without love.

I have known women who've had great difficulties with sex in later life, as their first encounters were loveless affairs.

 

Sex with love on the other hand, can be the most enriching and rewarding aspect of life. Its well worth waiting for.

Edited June 2, 2014 by giblesp

[Cafe au lait]

OP, what are you really looking for? If its a loving partner then be clear with yourself and life that is what you want.

 

The first sexual experience we have, that stays with us for life. If we do something we regret, that stays with us for life and though we can recover from it, it might take a lot of time and work. It might affect the quality of our relationships in later life.

 

Sex with love on the other hand, can be the most enriching and rewarding aspect of life. Its well worth waiting for.

A "loving partner" IS what I want. But I feel like that's too idealistic. If I wait for love, I might be a virgin until I'm 25! And that definitely carries a stigma. But on the flip side, I'll also regret it if my first time isn't with someone I care about. So it's a no-win situation. :/

[SoleMate]

Keep your standards up and wait for the right person. Be aware that some men will take it as a challenge and attempt to badger you into a "relationship" (==sex).

 

So then you're saying that you don't have any self control?

 

LOL, [not being in a relationship is] still pretty goofy.

For example.

 

It's not a contest, you don't actually get anything of value for being the person with the wildest "orgy" story. You are still young - 18! - plenty of time to gain confidence so you are adept at choosing a good/safe/happy partner, not being talked into bed by a jerk and feeling gross/sad afterward.