Should I be so worried

[AORiver]

Hello I'm new here.

 

I've been with my gf for 5 years. Everything is really good and we are in love. Before I was with my gf I was married for 3 years. I traveled a lot for work, and my ex-wife ended up cheating on me. That is the first time I experienced cheating, and I definitely feel it has changed the way my brain thinks about many things now. I used to be trusting and innocent, and never really over-thinking things. Now, even with a wonderful gf who is very committed to me, I still question and doubt everything internally to myself. I try not to vocalize many of my thoughts because I know it is most likely nothing and I am over thinking things and I've got some trust issues. But it is making me very anxious lately.

 

So, a couple weeks ago, I just got so overcome with this feeling of dread. Like she was going to leave me, or she was tired of me, or something. Even though every second I'm with her, she treats me so well. I just started thinking about how much it would suck if this girl cheated on me like my ex-wife did. Then I started thinking about other stuff, that honestly is so minor, like a high phone bill a couple months ago, and her flying back home to visit, and her using Snapchat and always being on her phone.

 

She goes to bed early one night, and left her phone out. I know it was completely wrong, but I snooped. I'm not gonna lie, most of what I found made me feel a lot better. Some chats with her friends about how she is ready for me to pop the question, a guy tried flirting with her and she outright told him no way, hosea. I did find only one short convo that made me concerned. She was talking to an old guy friend(back home) about a month ago. They talked about the last time they went to Rocky Horror picture show(which was before we met) and how sexy she was in her dress. She talks about how they've had risque times, and that she knows she can trust him with anything, risque or not. I've known them to be good friends, but I didn't know they were ever like that.

 

She called me today(from back home across the country), and told me she was up until 4AM last night at a birthday party, and how everyone had tuckered out except her and this guy. That made me feel weird, and honestly I'm anxious as hell. Am I right to be worried about this? Or do I need to just chill the hell out and be a man and not be so insecure?

[AORiver]

You are right, I shouldn't have snooped. Now I just feel more anxious but I can't bring this up to her so I'm holding it inside. I just got caught so off-guard when my ex-wife cheated on me. I never want that to happen again. I've got to stay in my boundaries, though.

[AORiver]

Basically from the tone of the messages, I got that they both looked on their sexual past fondly. I don't know if I should be hurt or what. I look back on my past sexual experiences fondly, but I certainly don't talk to them about it now. It just felt disrespectful. Then she tells me it was just them two alone at 4AM at a party and my mind wanders all sorts of places.

[harrybrown]

Ask her about the night with the friend.

 

Be honest with her, and tell her it bothered you.

 

Give her a chance to respond. Try to do this calmly. Ask her if she marries you, if she could choose you over spending the night with her good friend.

 

if something happened, hopefully she will tell you.

 

try and clear the air.

[d0nnivain]

Your past is coloring this & making you paranoid.

 

They had their fling or whatever & got past it. If they wanted to be together, they would be & she would never have met you. He's friend, nothing more.

 

Have you met him? If not, getting to know him may help.

 

If she is looking forward to you popping the Q & turning down other guys, it's unlikely that she will risk her good relationship with you for an old flame.

 

If you must bring it up, confess the snooping & apologize. Blame your insecurities. Express how much better & reassured you felt after violating her privacy. Keep apologizing. Let her yell if she feels like & do not defend your actions. When she is done venting, ask if you can talk about one insecurity -- this other guy. Approach this topic from your past; do not accuse her.

[lolablue17]

Probably you have nothing to worry about.

 

But I can see you are concerned, so just call her and during the con ask her if she was just friend with this 4AM guy, or did they have more between them.

 

I suppose she will tell you the truth, (that they did have sexual relationship). Tell her you are bothered why did she hide it from you, and you also bothered by the fact that she spend time alone with her EX f%ck buddy.

 

Now - She may tell you that he has always been just a friend. Then you got yourself a bigger problem. That's the problem with snooping. You dont always know were you're going.

Edited May 26, 2014 by lolablue17

[AORiver]

Thanks for the replies. I think I will wait until she gets back to talk to her, since it is easier to have these heavy conversations face to face. Part of me wants to hold it all in for now, though.

 

So, Snapchat. I know very little about it but I get how it works. Does anybody use it for reasons that are NOT sexting? Serious question.

 

And yes I have met him before. I've maybe spoken to him a total of 10 minutes. He's an OK guy I guess. He seems like a player though.

Edited May 26, 2014 by AORiver

[Try]

• It is never good for your gf to hang out with an ex - period! If they have been sexual in the past, they should not hang out
  

I so much agree with this.

 

Many couples in committed relationships have boundaries against even having opposite sex friends. Those that do allow for opposite sex friends almost always have boundaries against keeping exs as friends. Of the very very small percentage of couples that do allow for exs as opposite sex friends, most require that the exs be a friend of the significant other and of the couples relationship, which this ex is not. Even among those that do not have any such boundaries, almost no one would be OK with their significant other hanging at a party with an ex until 4 am after everyone else had left the party. You do not need to have snooped to know enough to say something about this to her. Let her know that your relationship is serious enough that both of you need to start implementing boundaries against staying in contact with former lovers. Once two people have crossed certain romantic boundaries with each other, those boundaries are never the same as they can talk in a ways with each other that they would never do with "just a friend".

 

One more thing. Where was this party that they could stay until 4am after everyone else had left? If it was at her place or his place, that would concern me even more.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Try

[firmness]

If I have learned nothing from this site it is the following (mostly from women, so thanks women for the wisdom):

 

1. Where there is smoke there is fire. Trust your gut.

2. People cannot help send signals. She gave you a huge red flag. If you stay with her - complaining about it or not - she will likely escalate this.

3. Women test their men. This sounds like a test of sorts.

4. Once someone crosses a boundary like this, they will do it again.

 

My general rule is this - first, I cannot change anyone. If she does this sort of thing I cannot and will not "communicate" this to her. That is not going to go well. If I feel off about the relationship, it is because I am more invested than her and I need to end it.

 

She does not deserve you. She will likely do this again with someone else.

 

Read around this site and you will see what I mean.

[Chi townD]

Well, my spidey senses weren't going off until I read that she stayed up all night with this guy.

 

When she gets back I would just ask about her and this dude. Just say that you were a little uncomfortable with her staying up all night with his guy and what is he to her? Ask her of she's had a past with this guy and see if she'll be honest with you.

 

I wouldn't say anything about you snooping and see how she response. The email exchange you read is your Ace, so play it close to your heart.

 

Oh! And don't feel guilty about snooping. If something felt off in your relationship, then you have every right to find out the truth for yourself.

[giblesp]

Generally speaking, if you're in a relationship you don't chat to an ex about risque times you had together, when the ex is telling you how sexy you looked back then. So yes, you're right to feel unsettled.

 

Her then hanging out with him till 4am, well yes there's a sexual energy between them. He is saying she is sexy, she is enjoying it and giving him permission to make these comments and spend time with her. Regardless if they had sex or not, they're not just friends.

 

I have female friends, I don't tell them they look sexy in a black dress as they are my friends, and I have a girlfriend. I don't stay out and up with a woman until 4am because I have a girlfriend. Simple.

 

I'd talk to her about it. You're going to have to confess to snooping, which isn't too good. But if you're considering her for the long term, you need to know if you can be comfortable with her.

 

Everyone has their own values as to what loyalty is. When we meet someone with similar values, we're compatible.

 

You're not being insecure or paranoid, you just would like to know if you can trust her. I was also married and cheated on. My 6th sense was screaming at me day and night that I was being betrayed before I officially found out about it.

I'm not implying that you definitely have been betrayed, but its good to have an instinct about these things.

 

Good luck and keep us informed.

Edited May 27, 2014 by giblesp

[Spectre]

I also feel this guy isn't insecure and paranoid. You called this guy who went to the Rocky Horror Show with her and that she was at a party with an old friend. But did they date? Basically, did she sleep with this guy in the past? If so, she definitely shouldn't be sharing test messages of any kind with him, let alone about their sexy fun times in the past. So no, you aren't paranoid, do not listen to those who said you were.

 

Then this thing with the party, and everyone is passed out but her and this guy..a guy in which she has slept with before and still chats about their sexy past or whatever..and I assume they were drinking too? All red flags.

 

I know people are saying you were not right to snoop, but the thing is..you did find something to be concerned about. You got lucky though because of her text about them at a party. Before that, you'd of had no reason to bring him up besides saying you snooped, but now you can bring it up via talking about her comment about the party.

 

Also I'm sorry, but if she has slept with this guy in the past she shouldn't be hanging around him at all. If my gf was talking to some guy she screwed about how hot she was in the past or about their sex..and she responded back and the response wasn't "I have a bf so dont talk to me like that" then I'd really be seeing red flags.

 

Oh, I also know another thing you can do to avoid telling her you snooped! Bring up the thing with the party, etc. and all that, and then say fine if he is just a friend let me check your phone to see if you have chatted him up in a bad way. Just tell her you've been getting weird vibes from her, and then her being up at a party with a guy she banged..made you question stuff.

 

Of course all this depends on if she slept with this guy before. People replied like they did, but all the OP said was he was an old friend who went to Rocky Horror with her, so I was a bit confused.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Spectre

[ascendotum]

If there is anything positive about her staying up till early in the morning at a party with a possible ex fling, its that they stayed up late talking, drinking, listening to music. Better she is chatting at 4am than both of them giving each other bed room eye looks and calling it quits on the party to scoot off to bed together at say 2am. That doesn't mean they couldn't of have made out on the couch though, if no one else was around. If your gf did do anything inappropriate with this guy, I would likely expect her to not mention him or the fact they were together late. Its so easy to just omit that info if you were guilty.

 

At the same time, though I have heard of lots of stories of exes hooking up with each other (at least one of them cheating) + throw in the likelihood this friend back home is a player + she is in another city away from you (quite a few people have a more liberated attitude when away) + alcohol was involved and I get why your mind is turning. Ask her about him when she gets back in a non accusing manner. Doesn't mean you will know what really happened but what you saw otherwise on her phone was reassuring.

 

Personally, I don't think its a red flag that exes stay in touch. Its just that contact should be minimal and respectful of the fact that you both have moved on and have new partners. Catching up is fine, but not really 1 on 1 and involving alcohol.

Edited May 28, 2014 by ascendotum

[AORiver]

Checking in.

 

She came back today. She was very sweet and loving and didn't act out of the ordinary really. I'm not going to lie, I am a nervous wreck. I've just had a whole lot of anxiety these past few days. Haven't slept well and have been feeling kind of low. I feel like I might be somehow re-living what I experienced when my ex-wife cheated on me. Like subconsciously I'm expecting it to happen but maybe nothing is happening at all. Sometimes I feel like the biggest worrier in the world. Or maybe this is some kind of chemical imbalance or something?

 

Anyways we ate dinner and watched an episode of CSI. It had a whole lot of cheating intertwined into the story and I was looking over her to see if she was sweating! But she wasn't and she acted like she always has. Just really sweet and happy. She wasn't on her phone more than she usually is.

 

We had sexy times, and I don't think it was weird. At first I thought she very slightly pushed me away a little when I came in to kiss her. I asked if she was alright. And she said "Yeah, I was just trying something new." Um, alright. She does like pushing and pulling some in the sack. She is a redhead. This totally could have been my nerves, and she wasn't acting weird and it was me.

 

I didn't bring anything up today. I tried to just go with things and see if she acted strange. She didn't. I'd rather try to hold myself back before making accusations that can't be taken back. It's not easy but I am trying to hold back because I could be completely wrong in all this. Pretty much the only things she said in the texts that made me irritated were that she was glad he was her date to rocky horror, that she could trust him with anything risque or not, she said a one-liner about their risque times in her bed, and she said when redheads unite magic happens. When I read all that, I get kinda sick. But they don't talk about sex in the present, which makes me feel a bit better. Is this just friends reminiscing on old crazy younger days? or is this something more?

 

Since cheating happened to me in 2008, I've learned by reading a whole lot of the signs of a cheating partner but I didn't see any of them tonight except for the slight push away during sex, and I could be being totally sensitive about that. I haven't snooped more besides checking our joint phone bill. I don't really see one number that repeats a whole lot, and that makes me feel better. When I found out my ex-wife was cheating, I checked our phone bill and his number was there 50 times a day for 3 months.(I thought how could I be so STUPID?!?!) So not seeing something like that has made me feel much better.

 

I do plan to confront her at some point for sure on these things:

• What happened that night at the party?
  
• Who is this man to you?
  
• If we are going to be married and committed to each other, the snap chat goes.
  

 

I sooo don't want her to be cheating, because she is the love of my life, and I would hate for something like that to poison our relationship.

[AORiver]

By the way since I think someone asked, this party happened at a good married couple friend's house. I've been to a lot of their parties, and most of the time, they are pretty chill. I have been at their house on one New Years Eve where their weirdass friends were drunk and trying to start a group sex deal. We left right then because that was too weird for us, and our married couple friends were freaked out, too, and they still pick on them for that night. So that was one weird isolated incident.

 

We've also done mushrooms at their house a few times. We laugh and have a good time but nothing weird has ever really happened when we were doing it.

 

I think that she is very proud to be my girlfriend so I would HOPE that nothing happened at all that night but some good laughs and conversation on the back porch.

 

Would love to hear ya'lls opinion. It's easy for me to get all wrapped up in worry and not be able to get a good perspective on things.

[d0nnivain]

I can't help but wonder if the mushrooms add to your paranoia.

 

Making somebody completely give up something as a condition of marriage is never really a good plan. I'd let her keep the snap chat but you need to pay more attention to what she's doing with it

[Chi townD]

To be honest, I don't think anything happened; however, her staying up all night with a guy that she used to be intimate with is definitely inappropriate. Especially if she isn't forthcoming with the nature of their past relationship.

 

I seriously doubt that your girl wouldn't be too thrilled with you if she discovered that you spent an evening with a girl that you had a relationship in the past one on one. Even if nothing happened.

 

She would find it disrespectful and I'm sure that you would want the same respect.

[Spectre]

Well yeah the OP never actually clarified the relationship between his gf and this guy friend. Did they sleep together in the past or not?

[AORiver]

I'm not sure if they've slept together. All I know is they've had risque times in bed. And on second thought I think you are right on the snapchat thing. I'm going to let that stuff slide. I know the two guy friends she is snapchatting, and I don't think anything is going on between them.

[Spectre]

Okay so I don't even know what that means. What are "risque times in bed" these days? Did they date? Do oral? Was there anything other then kissing, basically?

 

As for snap chatting, why is she sharing photo's and stuff with other dudes? That is weird to me, but okay.

[crederer]

To be honest' date=' you shouldn't have snooped through her phone but what you found is evidence of not cheating, but faithfulness. Trust me, as a cheater myself who is paying the consequences sometimes i found myself pushing away or pissing her off because of my own insecurities. Look at it this way: your going to take a risk by loving anybody. You may as well love with all the love God gives us and learn to forgive and learn if these things are to happen.[/quote']

 

"you should not have snooped"

"as a cheater...."

 

Yeah, okay. There's nothing wrong with snooping on rare occasion as long as you don't get nuts with it. There's no need for committed people to have any secrets, really.

 

But OP, there is indeed some red flags. I dont really know what to say to help you out but I was in a similar situation and it turned out she did in fact cheat on me.

 

The reality is that's pretty inappropriate to even be talking about with someone while in a relationship. I don't talk to my ex flings about past hook ups while I'm dating. It's pretty deplorable.