Will guilt catch up to me?

[RickFox]

Your posts are going in such a self righteous direction lately. You do not know me and I and am not your married woman. I do have a conscience and this is all on my mind so much, just knowing myself I would think I would feel awful enough to end it and I don't.

I do feel guilt. Coming here does prove that to me a bit because I wouldn't care about the whys if I didn't feel guilty.

 

I do feel sort of entitled though. And most of my guilt is over the kids.

 

Hardly. I own my sh*t. I see the damage I caused every single day and nothing I do well ever repair the destruction, not completely.

And no don't know me either and you aren't my married woman and that's a good thing. I just called you on you trying to rationalize that coming here means you feel guilty and it doesn't. You can call me self righteous or whatever, I'm a cheater through and through but I've never asked if I should feel guilty about anything, if you have to ask someone if you should feel guilty, then you don't feel it and you aren't.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yep, it's all the MM's fault, the woman has no power over herself whatsoever

 

I know that I am with my OW and she is with me willingly, we aren't leading each other on.

 

If at some point either one of us feels led on, then it will be because we weren't honest to ourselves.

 

Maybe that's the real problem, rather than just MM leading the OW on, it's the OW not being honest with herself. Sorry, but demonizing the man isn't the solution here, particularly when you're both in the same boat.

 

Feeling guilty that you can't give more? I struck a nerve.

 

My MM completely led me on, he knew my pain and kept luring me in and keeping me hanging and guessing. I was asking direct questions and getting indirect answers.

 

Maybe you are one of the rare ones that does not do that, or maybe you have found yourself a perfect doormat, but if you look through this forum you will see it filled with a ton of broken hearts, mostly women.

Edited May 27, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

Feeling guilty that you can't give more? I struck a nerve.

 

My MM completely led me on, he knew my pain and kept luring me in and keeping me hanging and guessing. I was asking direct questions and getting indirect answers.

 

Maybe you are one of the rare ones that does not do that, or maybe you have found yourself a perfect doormat, but if you look through this forum you will see it filled with a ton of broken hearts, mostly women.

At the end of the day we are all guilty, period.

Interesting that the majority on here are heart broken women, wonder where the OM who are abandoned are or is that not common

Anyway we all make bad decisions and should support each other.

Just my view

[beach]

I think you do feel guilt but are trying to convince yourself that you don't. I hope you figure it all out because your present path is not good for you in the long run. I know for me, I suppressed the anger and was lying to myself on what I really felt. It took a lot of soul searching for me but I am better for it. I hope the same for you.

 

I actually feel opposite about this poster.

 

I honestly believe she doesn't feel guilty...but wishes she did because that would show some small evidence that she has a conscience.

 

But really, over the years, she hasn't seemed to have any issue with what she's been doing and how it might affect others.

 

Mostly she's just wanting to be careful enough - so she continues getting her ego fed without any consequences of getting caught.

[AutumnMoon]

Hardly. I own my sh*t. I see the damage I caused every single day and nothing I do well ever repair the destruction, not completely.

And no don't know me either and you aren't my married woman and that's a good thing. I just called you on you trying to rationalize that coming here means you feel guilty and it doesn't. You can call me self righteous or whatever, I'm a cheater through and through but I've never asked if I should feel guilty about anything, if you have to ask someone if you should feel guilty, then you don't feel it and you aren't.

 

Thing is I didn't ask anyone if I SHOULD feel guilty. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I do feel guilt at times just not what I'd expect, knowing myself. Wanted to know if it would catch up to me. I haven't claimed to know you but from reading your posts lately you sound more like a betrayed spouse when talking to the OM'd and OW on here. I get that your affair is over and you've accepted it's wrong.. I know mines wrong too, it's not over yet, but I'm not about to start judging people as a whole, who I only know a paragraph or two about.

[AutumnMoon]

I actually feel opposite about this poster.

 

I honestly believe she doesn't feel guilty...but wishes she did because that would show some small evidence that she has a conscience.

 

But really, over the years, she hasn't seemed to have any issue with what she's been doing and how it might affect others.

 

Mostly she's just wanting to be careful enough - so she continues getting her ego fed without any consequences of getting caught.

 

Going to be honest I've wondered this too. But I do feel guilty when it comes to my kids especially. I feel like even though I've been physically present I have not been completely myself, or emotionally invested the way I should be. I mean non of them or any family or friends have noticed this, that's how subtle the changes have been but I've noticed.

 

It's kept my up at night and I do feel horrible for that.

 

I've thought I was more afraid of getting caught than feeling guilty for what I'm doing but when I'm thinking about the kids, it has nothing to do with getting caught and in my mind I'm thinking even if I never get caught. When I look back at 65 at these years at home with my kids, will I have regrets. I know I wi regret losing a little of the emotional connection

Edited May 27, 2014 by AutumnMoon

[Waverly]

Going to be honest I've wondered this too. But I do feel guilty when it comes to my kids especially. I feel like even though I've been physically present I have not been completely myself, or emotionally invested the way I should be. I mean non of them or any family or friends have noticed this, that's how subtle the changes have been but I've noticed.

 

This was a huge guilt factor for me. My children are really young, and I know I missed out on a lot with them. I don't mean physically -- the affair actually didn't take any time away from being with them. But I wasn't always really there when I was with them. I'm still not, and I really hate that that is a casualty of the affair.

 

As for your larger question, I wouldn't feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It's clearly on your mind, and you clearly understand the sort of moral ins and outs of what you are doing. In the end, I think that's more useful than an oppressive mantle of guilt carried on your shoulders. At the very least, it gives you some objectivity to your situation, I suppose.

[Owl]

I think I do. I can't answer everything else. Confused right now bug would feel off myself if I felt guilty

 

I don't really understand your response.

 

You want to feel guilty?

 

OK...why? Are you going to DO SOMETHING with that guilt? Or are you just going to feel better about yourself/your actions if you suddenly do feel guilt?

 

Guilt is useless if you aren't going to act on it, aren't going to do something with it.

 

I can offer lots of suggestions on how you can feel that guilt...but I'm not sure that they'll do you any good unless you're going to change the situation based on them.

 

WHY do you want to feel guilty?

[Awake]

Feeling guilty that you can't give more? I struck a nerve.

 

My MM completely led me on, he knew my pain and kept luring me in and keeping me hanging and guessing. I was asking direct questions and getting indirect answers.

 

Maybe you are one of the rare ones that does not do that, or maybe you have found yourself a perfect doormat, but if you look through this forum you will see it filled with a ton of broken hearts, mostly women.

 

Not one bit guilty that I can't give her more, we give each other more than we both expect. The thing is, we are both honest with ourselves. I know that she isn't leaving her husband, and she know's that I'm not leaving my wife. To expect otherwise would be ridiculous for either of us, if we wanted to leave our spouses we would, never make assumptions and everything will be good. And of course, he have discussed this, as communication is key here.

 

Btw, I know that some MM/OM lie to OW, just like some MW/OW lie as well. It's easy to look at a break down on a forum and make assumption. Broken hearted OW dominate here, and broken hearted BH's dominate the infidelity thread, it does not mean that they are both the majority, or even the norm, just that they are attracted to a forum.

 

OP, you can have a conscience and still not feel guilty, we're just following the new way of the world. It took me a long time to make it to this point, not too long ago I vehemently sided with the BS's, but it's been made abundantly clear that there are no guarantees in a relationship.

 

And it's ok to love more than one person. I make sure that my wife gets the best of me, and that's not just in my mind either. I strive to take care of her needs and communicate mine, just don't make your husband do without, and don't give less than you are able. I see no need for you to feel guilty otherwise.

[AutumnMoon]

WHY do you want to feel guilty?

 

.. I don't know. I think because I feel a'normal' 'good' person would

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

.. I don't know. I think because I feel a'normal' 'good' person would

We know it's wrong deep down but we justify it because that's the only way we can survive and avoid the pain of separation even if for a while. At the end of the day we are only human

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Not one bit guilty that I can't give her more, we give each other more than we both expect. The thing is, we are both honest with ourselves. I know that she isn't leaving her husband, and she know's that I'm not leaving my wife. To expect otherwise would be ridiculous for either of us, if we wanted to leave our spouses we would, never make assumptions and everything will be good. And of course, he have discussed this, as communication is key here.

 

Btw, I know that some MM/OM lie to OW, just like some MW/OW lie as well. It's easy to look at a break down on a forum and make assumption. Broken hearted OW dominate here, and broken hearted BH's dominate the infidelity thread, it does not mean that they are both the majority, or even the norm, just that they are attracted to a forum.

 

OP, you can have a conscience and still not feel guilty, we're just following the new way of the world. It took me a long time to make it to this point, not too long ago I vehemently sided with the BS's, but it's been made abundantly clear that there are no guarantees in a relationship.

 

And it's ok to love more than one person. I make sure that my wife gets the best of me, and that's not just in my mind either. I strive to take care of her needs and communicate mine, just don't make your husband do without, and don't give less than you are able. I see no need for you to feel guilty otherwise.

 

As much as I know that an affair is not for me anymore and I will never enter into one again, I do wish that my xMM had your attitude about it. A clear understanding and communication skills. It would have saved us both a lot of heartache. I think that neither of us knew what we wanted. Actually I think that he knew that he was falling in love with me too and that he wouldn't have been able to handle the balancing two relationships but wanted to be able to be open minded enough to do it. But he just was so bad at communicating that he put me through a lot of pain

[Trimmer]

Going to be honest I've wondered this too. But I do feel guilty when it comes to my kids especially. I feel like even though I've been physically present I have not been completely myself, or emotionally invested the way I should be. I mean non of them or any family or friends have noticed this, that's how subtle the changes have been but I've noticed.

 

It's kept my up at night and I do feel horrible for that.

I wonder if you are able to reconcile everything because on the surface, you can convince yourself that nobody you care about is affected by your behavior and choices. And as long as you can maintain that delicate equilibrium, it seems like you haven't really "done anything" or hurt anyone yet.

 

The question of "will it catch up to you eventually?"... If you start to believe it is affecting your loved ones, then maybe it will. Some people will advocate that even if spouse and kids don't know, that the time and emotional energy you spend elsewhere takes away from your relationships with them. That the mental manipulations you do to rationalize it all cannot help but affect your primary relationships.

 

But with the denial and suppression I spoke of in my earlier post, you will do your best to convince yourself that as long as they don't know, you will be able to maintain things as they have always been.

 

But that feeling of maybe not being fully emotionally invested - that's an indicator.

 

So, on the assumption that your family never finds out, the question of whether the guilt will ever catch up with you depends on whether you can swing back to the side of believing that nothing has changed, that your affair is not affecting your family, and that you can be every bit as emotionally present, open, and invested as you would have been without the affair.

 

If, over time, you start to believe that the affair really is costing you - and your family - emotionally, even if they aren't consciously aware of it, then I think that yes, this is where your guilt will come from. This seems especially likely if you run into bumps in your affair - an argument, some kinds of other difficulty that breaks through the fog and denial a bit.

 

All these comments assume that your family never finds out. If your affair is discovered at some point, then I think it's clear that you've got a whole different ballgame on your hands (and probably a new life to rebuild.) But I'm assuming your "will the guilt catch up to me?" question is predicated on the idea that your affair doesn't get discovered.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

As much as I know that an affair is not for me anymore and I will never enter into one again, I do wish that my xMM had your attitude about it. A clear understanding and communication skills. It would have saved us both a lot of heartache. I think that neither of us knew what we wanted. Actually I think that he knew that he was falling in love with me too and that he wouldn't have been able to handle the balancing two relationships but wanted to be able to be open minded enough to do it. But he just was so bad at communicating that he put me through a lot of pain

What a shame, life is so complicated. Hope you find the strength to move forward with someone you can love and support you

[Sub]

But I'm assuming your "will the guilt catch up to me?" question is predicated on the idea that your affair doesn't get discovered.

 

I'm wondering if there's some preparation going on here, though, for the possibility that it is discovered. Just knowing some of the recent story, the MOM could be seen as a little unreliable, somewhat of a loose cannon. He DID ask her to stay at his house while his BW was home this time. He previously managed to crash at OP's house while he and his BW were "working some things out". Is there maybe an inkling that discovery is more possible now than before, and AutumnMoon is preparing herself for something? Just a thought.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

One thing you may want to reflect on (and be honest with yourself) what happens if your husband ends up in the hospital with a fatal illness tomorrow? I know it is really hard to put yourself there, but if he was dying, would you suddenly feel desperate guilt? Or let's say he found out and showed severe pain? If you can reflect on those and earnestly say you would regret, then there is a chance you would feel deep regret after all of this is over. But of course what the hell do I know? I think each experiences things differently.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You absolutely should feel guilt for your children. You are risking their future happiness and security. If this gets found out, your actions will devastate them. You will be ostracised in your small community. Your friends will not take your side...its double betrayal at its worst. Your children will lose friendship groups, play mates and have to suffer through the same humiliation...for years and years to come...because it sticks.

 

Your children will have their family torn apart...your husband is likely to leave you...youve said so yourself, and the statistics on female infidelity will agree. They will have all the associated issues that children from broken homes have. Do some googling.

 

And yeah, you should feel guilt for your children...just for simply disrespecting their father. You chose him. You married him, and you chose him as the father of your children. Your children deserve a loving happy father....but if he finds out? Then they will have an angry/devastated/humilated (insert best word here) father instead. This can be more damaging than you realise.

 

But, you don't care. You claim you are a good mother. I wont argue definitions...but would a good mother jeopardise all of the above in exchange for getting her rocks off? Dont sugar coat it, because thats what it boils down to. Yet you make that choice. Every. Single. Time.

 

So who do you love more? You, MM or your kids?

 

Dont answer - it was rhetorical. The answer is found in your actions...not your words - because cleatly lying is something your comfortable with so words don't really mean much.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

What a shame, life is so complicated. Hope you find the strength to move forward with someone you can love and support you

 

Thank you <3

 

Already as the seperation from xMM continues, I am starting to talk to husband more and connectin, I am pushing my needs hard now because this EA has helped me realize just how much was broken and how much I was willing to divorce if change didn't happen, and my husband and I are sorting through. Every day is getting easier. I am almost to the point of where if my xMM came to me now and tried to reignite it all , that I wouldn't want it anymore. As of a few days ago, I wouldn't believe I felt that way. But anger helps.

 

I am also feeling my husbands feelings more and sadness for any distance I causesd during this. I am becoming more present and we are working on being sensual and the methods are working.

 

I didn't even think it could be possible. It will take a lot of work. I was really head over heals for xMM

[WasOtherWoman]

I thought my wife would be the last person in the world to ever cheat on me.

(or anyone)

I was so stunned when I received the pictures in the mail.

 

I had no clue. The devastation to me has been total. I do not want to live anymore and what I am doing is not really living for the last 3 and 1/2 years.

 

I am glad that I did receive the anon mail. She killed any love with the deception and the lies and the cheating. I would rather know the truth and all her deception, than continue in the fake and false marriage. It has killed so many of what I thought were good memories.

 

Do not do this to your H. Just divorce him now and go be with the OM.

 

Do not destroy him. Divorce him today and go be with your OM, please.

 

I have one more year until the last son moves out. Then we will divorce, she can go her way and I will go mine. What a waste of 35 years of marriage.

 

But I will not have to pay her child support. She will try to get alimony because I work too hard. I make 4 times as much as she does. However, I am quitting my job, I am getting close to retirement.

 

She will get a real nice property settlement, but she will spend the 1/2 million in a short time. She loves to shop.

 

So her AP can support her.

 

But if you ever had any feelings for your H, divorce him now, and go be with your OM.

 

Do not make his entire married life a sham like my wife did to me.

 

Sorry for the TJ but....your story sounds extremely similar to my husband's situation. We met the year his last child left for college. That was 15 years ago, he never looked back.

[Bluegrass]

I have a similar guilt story. I've been reading LS for years never posted. Had a 3 yr affair with the man I've been with for over 5 yrs now. At the beginning i felt guilt the first couple of intimate times, then I just detached from my life all I saw was the tunnel vision with me and him in it. Had the big D day when someone strangely saw us in another state. He moved out, went back, he tried to start it again, I said I wasn't till he was divorced, he filed 4 days later. We both had 20+ yrs in marriages. After the affair fog lifted the guilt hit me in the form of a train when both of our adult kids and family disowned us. It was a very hard year not talking to my son and for my now husband too and his kids too. That has thank goodness passed and we have a great relationship with all that hated us in the beginning. I think everyone thought we wouldn't still be together but I've never been happier. Both ex spouses have remarried. BUT, I feel guilty and ashamed at how this all started and still can't believe I let myself break up two families for my own gratification. I always despised people who had affairs and think about it every day.

[bubbaganoosh]

I absolutely have empathy in every other aspect of my life. I do love my husband just in a very different way than the OM and no not in a roommate sort of fashion.. I really do love him.

 

If you love him, then how about either acting like a wife or divorcing him. In other words your plain selfish and don't give a damn who you hurt or step on to get yours. You think of you and what's ever left you give to your husband.

 

Seriously. Have you ever thought how you would feel if the tables were turned and you were the one being the chump? But then, I'm a firm believer that one gets what one deserves and sooner or later you'll get caught and I hope he has no mercy. Then maybe you'll finally stop thinking of yourself.

[AutumnMoon]

If you love him, then how about either acting like a wife or divorcing him. In other words your plain selfish and don't give a damn who you hurt or step on to get yours. You think of you and what's ever left you give to your husband.

 

Seriously. Have you ever thought how you would feel if the tables were turned and you were the one being the chump? But then, I'm a firm believer that one gets what one deserves and sooner or later you'll get caught and I hope he has no mercy. Then maybe you'll finally stop thinking of yourself.

 

I do love him. He is away a lot. Save for once he or his wife has always been out of town and we haven't stolen time from anyone. The affair started as friendship and I was incredibly lonely and sex starved! Just the brutal truth. Never meant to fall in love with the other guy.

I did.

Doesn't take away from my love for my husband, it's just really different. I have a life and future plans with my husband, we have built careers around each other and we have a past.. Friends, family, kids. 'Just divorce' is not that simple.

I love both of them.

 

Also I am not going to get into this on yet another separate thread but I believe that tables have been turned a few times, my husband works away on business, more than he's home. As it stands as long as he give us his best when he can I don't want to know but I acknowledge id be hurt by the deception should I find out. He adamantly denies ever cheating. Even though I have proof from early in the relationship.

I just want our family unit to stay intact and also to be able to love who love me.

[AutumnMoon]

I have a similar guilt story. I've been reading LS for years never posted. Had a 3 yr affair with the man I've been with for over 5 yrs now. At the beginning i felt guilt the first couple of intimate times, then I just detached from my life all I saw was the tunnel vision with me and him in it. Had the big D day when someone strangely saw us in another state. He moved out, went back, he tried to start it again, I said I wasn't till he was divorced, he filed 4 days later. We both had 20+ yrs in marriages. After the affair fog lifted the guilt hit me in the form of a train when both of our adult kids and family disowned us. It was a very hard year not talking to my son and for my now husband too and his kids too. That has thank goodness passed and we have a great relationship with all that hated us in the beginning. I think everyone thought we wouldn't still be together but I've never been happier. Both ex spouses have remarried. BUT, I feel guilty and ashamed at how this all started and still can't believe I let myself break up two families for my own gratification. I always despised people who had affairs and think about it every day.

 

Thanks for your story I'm crying.

I don't know what to expect and I can't just keep sitting around wishing that we had met first.. And waiting to get caught I know that.

It's really hard though when you love someone you shouldn't because I wouldn't just be hurting his wife by asking him to leave I would be hurting his kids and all their separate family and friends and I don't want that on me.

 

But I keep wishing every day it was different. He tells me someday it can be. But honestly, even twenty years from now, this would hurt people.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

Thank you <3

 

Already as the seperation from xMM continues, I am starting to talk to husband more and connectin, I am pushing my needs hard now because this EA has helped me realize just how much was broken and how much I was willing to divorce if change didn't happen, and my husband and I are sorting through. Every day is getting easier. I am almost to the point of where if my xMM came to me now and tried to reignite it all , that I wouldn't want it anymore. As of a few days ago, I wouldn't believe I felt that way. But anger helps.

 

I am also feeling my husbands feelings more and sadness for any distance I causesd during this. I am becoming more present and we are working on being sensual and the methods are working.

 

I didn't even think it could be possible. It will take a lot of work. I was really head over heals for xMM

Glad you are beginning to be able to see a way forward. Guess I fell more aggrieved as I (maybe stupidly) left EW so have nothing to work on. Maybe that means I will accept what I can get from AP as the alternative looks very bleak indeed. Anyway a little good news for you.

[Owl]

.. I don't know. I think because I feel a'normal' 'good' person would

 

OK...so you don't intend to change anything.

 

You simply want to feel better about yourself, while continuing to do what you've been doing.

 

You want to feel like you're an OK person because you feel bad for being bad.

 

Well...gotta say...I'm not surprised you don't feel guilty. You truly don't appear to care whatsoever that what you're doing is going to end up devestating your husband, and your friend...and both families.

 

You're entirely, selfishly focused on you.

 

Why SHOULD you feel better about yourself, if you do nothing to change that?

 

Your actions define who you are.

 

What do your actions tell you about yourself? About what kind of person you are? What does it say about yourself that you don't feel guilty for what you're doing?