Thinking about leaving a married man

[beach]

You will learn - it seems he cares about you - UNTIL his WIFE finds out about you.

 

Then you will learn just how much he's using you.

 

But YOU have ALLOWED it.

 

So stop allowing it. It really is up to YOU! You can change it.

 

Sacrificing your values and morals for anyone else is simply crossing YOUR own personal boundary. It should be your indication that your doing something you're not happy about by making that sacrifice against what you believe.

 

 

Now that you've done it - you can set things right and end it!

 

Unless you just want to continue and have his wife find out? Which she will eventually...

 

Change jobs. Move. Anything to get away and start fresh and become proud of yourself/actions again.

 

If left to him - you could still be his mistress 20 years from now. Change is made by you.

[whichwayisup]

Actually, I am very cautious when he says he loves me, how good he feels with me etc. and I'm cautious because I've been through a lot of different things in my live and I know that men, especially those who cheat, can be great liars.

 

But on the other hand, we should trust our gut and I feel that he really loves me.

 

Okay, so he loves you. What then? This isn't about love. He's married with children and isn't looking to leave his wife. He isn't going to start over with you, give up all that he has. Sorry but this guy is manipulating you (selfishly) and telling you what you want to hear. He's leading you on, empty promises and says stuff he knows will never happen. This is an affair so either enjoy it for however long it lasts or end it now before you get more serious. He's future faking, creating a false hope and false sense of security.

 

And yes, I agree with the poster who said as soon as his wife finds out, he'll throw you under the bus.

[The Way I Am]

On the other hand, I think we haven't been together for long enough to make such an important and most likely irreversible decision. It's been just a bit over half a year... even if we both were single, I don't think I would be ready to marry someone after such a short time... and this situation is more complicated as he is not single.

 

I know I will have to talk to him about that but it's just maybe a little to early to expect him to make such an important decision.

 

Don't you think?... or am I wrong?

 

IMO, you're looking at it wrong. You're thinking 7 months is too soon to decide whether you want to marry someone. I agree. But that's not the decision. The decision is whether he wants to pursue an exclusive relationship with you that could end up in marriage. Generally, that decision is made within a couple months.

 

Him being married is a negative quality he brings to the table, not a positive one, right? You're thinking you need to give him more time to decide since he's married and it's a big decision. But he shouldn't get special treatment *because* he's bringing a negative to the table. So I don't think you should give him any more time to decide if he wants to be exclusive with you than you would a single man.

 

I say it depends on what your standards are. Some women might be willing to wait 2 months before they decide it's not going anywhere. Some might give a guy 12 months. If this were a guy who wasn't married and still wasn't sure after 7 months whether he wanted to be exclusive with you, would you be okay with that or would you get out?

[Ivy2014]

My ex MM was same age bracket. Very similar situation including the 'would love to have a child with you' conversations. We often discussed him leaving and there was never a clear answer. I think by that age they are too comfortable with their lives to leave for anybody. I would guess that most MM who do leave are younger and have the energy to start over with someone new. I knew for a long time that he didn't.

 

I ended our situation last week. It was easier than I thought it would be but I think that's because I waited until the passion had dampened. There was no way I could have done it at 7 months. After a year and a half of it I'd had enough.

[tornado]

Yes, those MM who have children and who are over 40/50 are too comfortable with their lives and are scared to start a new life from the beginning. They are ok with a little adventure with a side dish woman but they won't risk more and take more important decisions! They are selfish experienced men who know how to manipulate women. They don't care if the woman falls in love. I think you should leave him.

[cocorico]

Yes, those MM who have children and who are over 40/50 are too comfortable with their lives and are scared to start a new life from the beginning. They are ok with a little adventure with a side dish woman but they won't risk more and take more important decisions! They are selfish experienced men who know how to manipulate women. They don't care if the woman falls in love. I think you should leave him.

 

I think there are many factors involved in the decision whether or not to leave a M - age is only one. My H was in his 50s when he left his xBW. His kids were older teens - this was a factor, as before then he had worried about the impact his leaving would have on them (they had been deeply traumatised by a separation years earlier, which led to him agreeing to take his then-W back). Also, he had reached a level of seniority in his career where financial security made the split economically possible. There were other age-related factors - the BW had retired, and so hung around the house a lot more which meant he had to spend time elsewhere, and because she didn't have work to keep her occupied, she spent all her time shopping, buying loads of unnecessary stuff from the joint household account on a whim, wasting large amounts of his money on things he considered wasteful. And, looking in the mirror and seeing that he wasn't getting any younger was a wake-up call to him - was that the way he wanted to spend the rest of his life? He hardly recognised the person in the mirror, he had become so estranged for who he really was, and he needed radical action to reconnect with his authentic self. So for him, age played a very different, motivating role.

 

Age can be both push and pull.

[carhill]

Is there anyone who can relate to this and give me an honest advice?

 

From the annals of long ago, I came to ask myself a question. If this person was single and refused to share themselves with me, completely and with singular commitment, would I, and should, I continue to choose to give myself, my soul, to them?

 

Essentially, a married person who will not leave their marriage and divorce is refusing to, consciously, give themselves completely to the affair partner. What I did, in my mind, was take away the marriage part and look at the person as just that, a person. They refused to be with me, exclusively. OK, that's a decision I can work with!

 

Good luck with your decision!

[beach]

Yes, I think I need to talk to him soon, it's just I'm not ready for this conversation yet.

 

You'll never "be ready" - it's just one of those things you do because it needs to be done.

 

Be sure and look out for your OWN best interest.

 

Stick to a few short but important questions and make sure he answers clearly.

 

If his plan isn't clear then he doesn't have a plan to leave her.

 

 

Decide what is best for you. Otherwise you could still be his OW in 20 years.

[Monicax]

Right... it's been almost a month since I posted this question here.

 

Me and my MM are still together and having great time.

I still haven't made a decision to end this and leave him. Yes, I have been thinking about it every now and then but not because things are bad between us, actually it's the other way out, he is so lovely and good to me. I enjoy his company so much. At the same time, I know that the time when I will need to make a final decision whether I want to be in this situation or not comes closer.

 

I'm thinking... I need to set a specific time frame for how much longer I am able to continue this.

Maybe I should give it another six months or so and see if anything changes or if things stay the dame. I mean, if within those ix months he won't take any steps to be with me and only with me, I should (try to) end it.

 

I don't want to be pushy or nag him... but if I give him that time, or actually no, I think it's me who needs that extra time, and see what happens, if anything, then I will be able to make a decision that I will be sure of.

 

Recently I met a couple that are in a similar situation to mine...he is 20 years older than her and we have much more in common but the difference is that he is divorced. He got divorced years ago when his kids were still small and he's been with a current woman for 2 years only. He met her long after his divorce. He also said that he loved his kids but this had nothing to do with him and his ex. He told me that if my MM really wanted a divorce, he would do it anyway and my MM may just want to keep both me and his wife. Not sure what to think about this... they met once and he claims my man behaved as if he really loved me.

 

Still...

 

 

I'm afraid he might be right. If my MM really wanted to be with me, he would do it. I think that I 'll give it a few more months and see if he takes any action but I don't want to put him under pressure.

 

If it turns out he's not sure or anything, I will leave him explaining that I love him a lot but can't be in this situation any longer because it hurts me too much.

 

What do you think?

[whichwayisup]

He told me that if my MM really wanted a divorce, he would do it anyway and my MM may just want to keep both me and his wife. Not sure what to think about this...

 

He's right. And in 6 months from now, things will be the same as they are now. A married man having an affair with you with no real plans on leaving and divorcing his wife.

 

If you are happy enough as things are, then continue on but know that you're not always going to be high on his priority list, that times he'll be unavailable to you, always on his terms. Don't put all your focus and energy into him, you have a life too, your friends, family etc, so don't drop everything and run to him when he can make time for you. Put you first and not him. He isn't going to put you first above his wife and kids...

 

If you are sick and tired of having the A and being the OW, tell him how you feel and that you're not going to put up with it much longer, that if he wants you, he needs to come clean with his wife, divorce and be with you. That in a year from now you won't be in his life at all...

 

Or, just end it now if you can and tell him that you don't want to be second fiddle, that you deserve better and more.

 

Men and women who are married and want to divorce will...But, most of time they don't unless they truly are unhappy enough in their marriage and they would have divorced regardless, affair or not. Those want to divorce, do so.

[Scorpio Chick]

Actually, I am very cautious when he says he loves me, how good he feels with me etc. and I'm cautious because I've been through a lot of different things in my live and I know that men, especially those who cheat, can be great liars.

 

But on the other hand, we should trust our gut and I feel that he really loves me.

 

Isn't over 50 a bit too late for a midlife crisis? I don't really know how it works but I thought it happens around 40.

 

Yes, apart from the fact that he has kids, I think he may be afraid that I will leave him when he gets too old and sick. But then he told me that he's afraid that when he's kids grow up, they will have their own life and move out and he will stay with a wife who doesn't care about him at all.

 

There's another thing I didn't mention earlier... he had an op sand can't have more kids. He told me several times that he would like to have a child with me and that if he knew at that time he would meet me, he wouldn't have had it. Some other time he said that if we were together, he would have the op reversed because he would love to have a kid with me but he's afraid it wouldn't work. He also told me once he's afraid that if we were trying for a baby after he had his op reversed and it didn't work, I would leave him for someone younger who can give me a child. :-(

 

Don't know what to think about it... I told him I would still love him and would like to be with him but he knows it would be difficult for it to work.

 

Well, if this is true, which I'm sure it is, then I hope he isn't telling you he isn't having sex with his wife, otherwise, why have this operation? Unless he's also sleeping with someone else besides his wife and you?

[jwi71]

 

What do you think?

 

I think your MM has NO reason to change ANYTHING so he won't.

After all - he has W, family, etc and the 20 years his junior OW - who WANTS to change that?

 

Cake and eating it too.

 

6 months from now - it'll be the same UNLESS YOU make a change.

 

And, if I may - what do you imagine might happen in the next 6 months to cause change?

[sisa]

Hi OP,

I can feel how you feel, I was in similar situation for so long...

 

when we first start began together (he asked me to be his 'gf'), which is two years ago, I was in love with him very much at that time, and I said 'yes', and then we kiss. that was a very sweet moment in my life. and one onth later, I found out he was just work in another city at that time, and still marry to his wife. I told him we need break up and no contact (at that time I was really a integrity nice woman), but he cried, he bag, and most inportant, he made me feel 'he truely love me, and I am his the one', and he told me, he will do 'everything' for me and he want to marry me.

 

ok, and now, everytime when I thoink about that time now, in fact I am really regret that I chose to stay at that time, look, if I chose to leave at that time, I might still be with my bf (who I broke up with after I had sex with MM). or I might already forget xMM now because only one month together. or I might have a regular relationship new bf now. or I might be a happy single woman which enjoy the dating life. and He might think I was a integrity woman because I give up the chance to cheating.

 

after spending two years, nothing change about the fact that his is still MM and I am still OW.

but after two years, He knew, I am a kind of woman who willing be with a MM becasue after he told me he is not going to divorce, I still stay. He knew, I am willing to be the second piority becasue after he told me he is not going to divorce, I still stay. He knew, I allow him to have sex with another woman, becasue after he told me he is not going to divorce, I still stay. and after the Dday, he want we still together underground (he told BS no longer contact with me), and I said I don't want become secret, he need to make me public, otherwise we are done. he told me, this will hurt his wife and I already know he was married man in the beginning, why I feel hurt.

 

even he is not told, but I know, in his mind, I am a kind of woman who he willing take as a lover, but not wife. this impression in fact is what I gave him, because he see that I was ok with him for two years being the lover.

 

I leave now, and it's for myself, I don't want another 2 years stay in the life like this. but OP, it's your life, try to think clear what you want in the end. Your MM will not leave I am very sure, if he would, he already in processing like what I did to my ex bf.

[Monicax]

 

And, if I may - what do you imagine might happen in the next 6 months to cause change?

 

We'll get to know each other better, which might help with clarifying our feelings and needs and will help to make a decision - and I'm talking about both of us - whether we want to be in each other lifes and in what way.

 

I can't talk for him but I know I need more time... if he did leave his wife and wanted to be with me, I'm not sure I would be ready right now.

 

I love him and I'm sure about my feelings to him, still, right now I'm not sure if that would be enough to give me strength to face all the consequences, moral, social, financial, etc., of him leaving his wife and kids.

 

E.g. his kids will always be in him life, which I don't mind now but who knows... what if I I want to move to another country and he needs to stay close to them? His wife also would be present in his life, his family and friends wouldn't be happy (not all of them for sure), I would need to tell my family - and friends - about him - they would be exactly proud and happy for me. They're very religious...

 

His age... the fact that we most likely couldn't have kids together...

 

 

...there's a lot of things we both would need to face.

 

I'm NOT ready for that at the moment and if I would be in his position, I DEFINITELY wouldn't be that brave to leave his wife.

 

Maybe I won't change if I continue this for longer, but at least I will know for sure that I couldn't bear it... or maybe my feelings to him will change... I think it's more ME who needs that time.

 

Besides, I think I might be afraid of long term commitments, which I discovered only recently.

 

Sadly, love is not always enough.

[still_an_Angel]

We'll get to know each other better, which might help with clarifying our feelings and needs and will help to make a decision - and I'm talking about both of us - whether we want to be in each other lifes and in what way.

 

I can't talk for him but I know I need more time... if he did leave his wife and wanted to be with me, I'm not sure I would be ready right now.

 

I love him and I'm sure about my feelings to him, still, right now I'm not sure if that would be enough to give me strength to face all the consequences, moral, social, financial, etc., of him leaving his wife and kids.

 

E.g. his kids will always be in him life, which I don't mind now but who knows... what if I I want to move to another country and he needs to stay close to them? His wife also would be present in his life, his family and friends wouldn't be happy (not all of them for sure), I would need to tell my family - and friends - about him - they would be exactly proud and happy for me. They're very religious...

 

His age... the fact that we most likely couldn't have kids together...

 

 

...there's a lot of things we both would need to face.

 

I'm NOT ready for that at the moment and if I would be in his position, I DEFINITELY wouldn't be that brave to leave his wife.

 

Maybe I won't change if I continue this for longer, but at least I will know for sure that I couldn't bear it... or maybe my feelings to him will change... I think it's more ME who needs that time.

 

Besides, I think I might be afraid of long term commitments, which I discovered only recently.

 

Sadly, love is not always enough.

 

 

 

 

 

It cuts both ways in your case Monicax, you can think of so many reasons on his part why its hard for him to leave his family. But its the same for you, sorry, but I'm reading hesitation on your part as well. You have so many questions about the potential changes in your future that will cause problems if you are with MM (moving overseas, your own feelings, your family, etc) This is natural, its your future after all. But what do these signals mean to you? I think deep inside, you know this relationship is not going to work, but your feelings are ruling your logic (for now). You say you want to give him more time, but it seems you are buying time for you as well.

I was still with my husband when my A started with MM, a year down the track, I am now separated and he is still married. Not much has changed, our lives run parallel, but not together. He's still the MM and I'm still the OW. The feelings have changed however, and now its harder for us to walk away.

 

 

Another thing you need to consider is your age gap, retirement life is nearer his door, not yours. How long has he been married to his W? You'd be up for some competition in the companionship department as he starts to slow down on life and you're still in your prime.

[Monicax]

It's been 10 months now since this started. Still not sure what to do. I keep telling myself that I should end it but I don't want to. I wish things worked out but I don't think he will ever be mine.

 

Once I was close to saying good bye but I realised that even if that finally happens, I don't want to lose contact with him. I want him to stay in my life.

 

They say that if we love someone, we should let them go and if they came back, they are ours, if not, they never were... I guess it doesn't work the same in case of married men?

[GettingOver]

I guess it works for whatever person... The point is - from my own experience - you will never leave untill you want it. And you don't. Especially if your MM is acting nice to you, etc. I tried three times in 3,5 years. The third time I got really angry with him for giving different reasons for not divorcing all the time, for blowing hot and cold and I started loosing self respect. I was worried and upset the whole time. Also all these times that I broke up he would always come back being all nice, but still not divorcing...

[2sunny]

I find it difficult to understand why people are willing to have sex with someone but not expectations - or even honest conversations about what they need/want.

 

Communication is key. Without it (and action) it's just sex.