edgygirl Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I am at a loss on how to act when good friends ask for opinions or talk to vent about a dating situation. So my question is: is it better to shut up and let people be delusional, or give your true opinion and try to help your friends by showing how delusional they're being and risk them getting angry at you? You don't have to read the story below, but I put it as an example regarding my question. -- I.e. I have this friend who's been in touch with someone for a while, they met end of last year, decided it wasn't a good time to date for various reasons. Now they're in touch again, it's a bit long distance (4 hours but doable), but the thing is the guy goes days, even a week this time without getting in touch. He's busy at work, has a kid and has divorced. I understand that life sometimes gets in the way but honestly I think there's a limit between being busy and being not interested. I always read here that if a guy doesn't keep in touch at least every few days to keep rapport it's because he's not that into you. After telling her to be patient for the last 2 months, I reached a point where I just think he's not into her and I told her his (low) level of interest / keeping in touch should be reason enough for her to move on. She got angry at me and said I'm doing "that" again - telling the truth? - lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 If your friend asked for your opinion, then you tell her your honest opinion. Whether she agrees or not, you still was there for her. But you can't control your friend, because she sounds like she is emotionally vested in this guy. Just be supportive. That's all you can really do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 My friend drives me nuts with her love life. She will remain in abusive, controlling and manipulative relationships till HE discards her. I have learned to speak my mind at first then I tell her I am done with advising her, if this is the man she picked for herself then to stop complaining. If she remains in this relationship it's because she must like it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 We usually have a lot of conflict when I give her my real opinion. Lately I sense that what she really likes is to vent and wants me to be supportive (only). I think the background on that is I always warned her about the guy who destroyed her heart 3-4 years ago and she never wanted to hear about it. My intuition is really strong (for other people, but sometimes not for me lol). She thinks I'm negative but the truth is her other friends don't care as much or so and prefer not to create conflicts. Unfortunately I see the bull**** in the last guys she met straight away. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 We usually have a lot of conflict when I give her my real opinion. Lately I sense that what she really likes is to vent and wants me to be supportive (only). So then the only thing you can do is be ambivalent about her choices of men, and just give her the support she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 I guess so... but I feel like I'm being dishonest! So then the only thing you can do is be ambivalent about her choices of men, and just give her the support she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Just give her the address to loveshack! She can't vent away and get more advise than she'll know what to do with! Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Always be honest. You can't make/force your friends (or anyone) to do what you tell them, but I think it's our responsibility as friends to always be honest and never sugar coat. Most of the time they won't listen and sure we might end up picking up the pieces and being their shoulder, but again, that's why we're friends. Link to post Share on other sites
halfcrazed_i Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I've found myself to be in that situation quite a bit with friends. The truth is, all you can do (as her friend) is to tell her how you feel and what you think. But ultimately, it still is her decision on what to do (or in this case, be 'delusional' as you say). She will never listen to you. You can be objective and practical until you're blue in the face, but until she learns the hard way... your words will fall on deaf ears. Many times, they know what you're saying. And that they know it. It's just that they choose to ignore it for now... Be patient with your friend. I know it's kind of annoying right now. But if/when the time comes that she falls apart because of her situation, she will need you. Link to post Share on other sites
DArtagnan2 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 people say they want to hear the truth, but very seldom do they want to hear it if it doesn't come as what they want to hear. Or, you are that friend that puts everything anyone does in to the trash, which I am not saying you are. regardless, you give you opinion as you see fit. Its your friend and if you did anything but give your honest opinion or feedback, you would be not really being a friend. She will get past it, look at it in hindsight and think, how great of a friend you really were at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 She thinks you are negative because she continuously makes bad choices, making it impossible for you to have an honest opinion that is positive. Maybe she doesn't see that, or maybe she does and feels bad about it. Maybe she feels bad that she can't make a good choice no matter how hard she tries. That said, she should stop asking for your opinion if she can't handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I have a friend who's seeing a guy who is probably bad for her. When she told me, I felt blindsided, because she used to call me at three in the morning with accounts of seriously crazy things this guy had done to her. I had to step back and understand that I have no reason to assume I know better than she does what's best for her. She knows what she's doing, and there's nothing I can tell her she doesn't already know. But I also had to get a little distance from the situation, because if her telling me she was seeing this guy could feel like such a kick in the gut, then that probably means I'm too close. (And I don't have romantic feelings for this woman, she's a close friend I'd rather see with someone who's better for her). So we just don't talk about it. It makes things a little awkward, because she mentions his name and I don't pick up the thread of the conversation, or I end up changing the subject, but what am I gonna say? Anyway, that's how I deal with it. I don't know if it's right or wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I hate it when people do that. They ask "what should I do about (blank)?", you tell them, they don't like the answer then they get angry with you. It doesn't matter what kind of advice they are seeking, they want to not hear it from someone else so they can get angry and yell at the other person. As for your friend, I would say that the best thing to do is to just keep your mouth shut from now on about her. Whatever will be will be with her situation with that man, and it doesn't affect you one way or another. In the future, just stay elusive "What do you think my answer is?" "Why do you feel this way?" "What are you going to do about this?" etc. Maybe you will make the other party think without claiming any responsibility. It's not cowardly, but rather protective of yourself on your part. I was in a situation similar - I was seeing this man for a few months and his interest just seemed to wane. I told myself we both had a lot of things going on, but I think if he was really into me then he would've made more efforts to contact and see me. Last Saturday he send me a text about 20 minutes after I made plans and I said I was doing something else already. There is such a thing as being too casual if you know what I mean, so I'm just going to let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I'm always honest. If a friend just wants to vent and hear unconditional support I ask them to talk to someone else (not quite as bluntly obviously) since I'd feel I was being dishonest. I make it very clear that they should only come to me if they wanted to hear an alternative view and find a solution. This is important because they end up trusting me much more, they know I mean what I say. I think that usually works well for real long term friendships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Whether a friend is venting, asking what I think, or asks for advice, I always ask: "Do you really want my honest opinion/advice?" before commenting. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Hah. I did that to my friend. I wrote a thread about her not long ago. I outright told her " look I think you have mental problems". ...." if you continue to see this guy when he makes you cry every single day. You need to see a professional and sort out why you subject yourself to this amount of trauma." She was seeing a guy who spelled out to her that she was a FWB yet she refused to listen...she would get sad every time he acted disinterested one the phone, every time he promised to visit her only to forget it... She literally cried every day about how awful the guy made her feel at one stage. I had enough of it and told her every time that he wasn't in love with her and after over 2 years he never would be, she should stop making him the centre of her universe when he has blatantly pointed out that they are ONLY fwb... Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 Wow great answers! Thanks everyone, will bookmark this post for future reference Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 If I can add my token to the pile.... Honesty is your style. Your friend(s) should know that. It's up to them, if they can handle it or not. Sometimes, it is real hard to hear a truth we don't want to hear. But especially, if one asks for advice, then one must be prepared for what comes back (provided that it is honest opinion, delivered wth caring and compassion) - though I can well understand the irritation and frustration that comes with the territory. Many will absorb excellent advice, then turn around and ingore it, and go do exactly what they want to do.....which is sometimes the exact opposite (of the good counselling given.) You want to be supportive of friends you care about, of course. But going against your own grain for the sake of friendship is counter-productive, I think. After all, what we look for in friends is acceptance for who and what we are, is it not? We don't have to pretend we're something else. I have infinitely more respect for friends who will stand up to me and tell me I'm full of shyte (those.......rare times when I am:cool:) then to just play along with unruffled feathers. People sometimes want to be blessed for their mistakes (not necessarily aided and abetted) but sometimes what helps them break the patterns and cycles of their mistakes - is the strong opinions of those who truly do care about them. And of course......that wonderful and luvly little thing: Objective Point of View. Truly valuable when it's on the mark. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) In a situation like your friend's, I'd tell her maybe it will turn into to something or not and that she just needs to keep dating other guys in the meantime. That guy could still be married for all she knows. And if he really wanted to date her, 4 hours and whatever else he's got going on wouldn't stop him. You and i know that, but she has to learn it the hard way. Just try to keep her interested in meeting other guys and doing fun things so it dilutes his importance to her life. Also, in a long distance relationship, the same timeline doesn't apply to contact. With men, it's mostly out of sight, out of mind. If they're not Skyping, you should ask her who doesn't want to. Edited May 28, 2014 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 Plant the seed and let it sprout. I refuse to allow anyone who comes at me with "Hey I'm just being honest" motto labeled to their chest give me any advice. Its a turn off, most ladies want a sounding board, not someone to resolve or rant about how bad their choices are. Guidance in the right direction , presented with a positive spin can do wonders. Its all in how you present it. Empathy, listening, validating are the first step. Have them think for themselves. My friends are compassionate and give wise alternatives without the End comment of "gee I was just being honest". Honesty in the right manner can be welcoming.... As an earlier poster stated, we can manage our own lives and not feel compelled to manage anothers'. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 Show her compassion while you tell her you're worried she's wasting time on a guy who isn't showing her much interest. There are different approaches of giving a friend advice or your opinion. If you're blunt and unsympathetic then she will react defensively. Tell her to speak to him to find out what is going on rather than her guessing what is actually happening. Link to post Share on other sites
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