Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Hi I am new here and just looking for some comfort and a place to go and speak about all the feelings that come and go. Our story is a very long one......one that started 22 years ago when we first met. I will give the very summed up version. He has had feelings for me that long (we went to school together). After school we went our separate ways. He always asked about me. We had the chance to meet up and you could feel the vibes between us. I was married at the time and nothing happened. Years later when end up in the same town again. Both of us married. Me with one child and one on the way. His wife in another town. It all started. He promised me everything. Since then I have gotten a divorce, waiting for him to do the same. In the mean time the oddest thing ended up happening. His wife and I became friends. I knew that she knew something was going on and she has excepted me and thinks this is how we will all live.....sharing him. It's very very hard for me. I spend time with him everyday and he stays with me one night a week but I was promises he'd divorce and I need to be his wife. My children no nothing about this and it's just hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I don't understand what the problem is. It's not an affair if all the parties know about it. The wife knows about it and accepts the arrangement, so it ceases to be an affair. It's an open relationship. And honestly, what's so bad about getting to sleep with him one night a week and see him everyday? Do you really need to share a house with him? It sounds like you got the best of both worlds!! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I don't understand what the problem is. It's not an affair if all the parties know about it. The wife knows about it and accepts the arrangement, so it ceases to be an affair. It's an open relationship. And honestly, what's so bad about getting to sleep with him one night a week and see him everyday? Do you really need to share a house with him? It sounds like you got the best of both worlds!! Agreed- this is NOT an A - he has an open M. However, if this is hard for you - then you may wish to reconsider continuing. The situation isn't likely to change from HIS perspective and why should it? He is happy, his W is likely as well - consider she befriended you AFTER all this. The only one NOT happy is YOU. I suppose the three of you can sit down and negotiate him spending more time with you - but if the W is the primary R (and she typically is - and appears so here) - then you have precious little bargaining power. I'm sorry this is no longer working - time for you to think, hard, about if you CAN continue and if its healthy for you to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the replies girls. There are still a lot of emotions being thrown around that I did not explain. Nobody is truly happy. Everyone is throwing on a smile when they can and yes there are a few happy moments. When he's with me you can tell she's uncomfortable and vice versa. He's all talked out by us both and sick of being pulled two different directions. He claims yes it is something he wanted to try but never something he wanted long term. He said in the beginning of my friendship with her that this will help him when it comes time to leave. Her and I started off great, became really close but it was all about him. All we talked about was him. Nothing but lies came out and it hurt us both. When I didn't have my children he wanted me to be right there with him so I stayed with them almost every night. You could tell she became sick of it but didn't say anything. Tensions were high because nobody was being themselves. Him and I always touch and call each other pet names. None of that was happening. It was awkward. That ended up coming between her and I and we stopped being so close. I'd talk to her maybe 1-2 times a day after that. We are just now starting to become closer again with the rule that we just be girls and not sit and talk about him. It seems like a sweet set up but really guys its not. You still feel like you'll never be "the one". Yes I need that. He says it WILL happen. I think he still loves her and doesn't want to hurt her is the problem but he knows somebody is going to have to go. He's promised me by the end of the year which I know in my heart will probably be me. I do feel bad for her a lot because I do think he caters to me more on a daily basis. Sometimes he gets tired of it too and just wants his guy time to do his stuff. It's also hard when my children are involved. They don't understand why he always leaves and doesn't stay with us all the time. And just to be clear it did start as a affair. Over 5 years. I have been thru it all. Edited May 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and merge Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I am sitting here astonished about how open the wife is to this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 Trust me so am I. You have to understand he is a very dominating guy. She has told me she knew it was either accept me or divorce. She was told I mean just as much to him as she does. She finally confronted him about it about 6mo ago and he finally came clean. It was all because I smiled at her though that started all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Trust me so am I. You have to understand he is a very dominating guy. She has told me she knew it was either accept me or divorce. She was told I mean just as much to him as she does. She finally confronted him about it about 6mo ago and he finally came clean. It was all because I smiled at her though that started all of it. Well. I personally like dominating men (in the bedroom only) If you finally won him over, I assume you are fine with him switching his dominating ways over to you full time without him being able to spread it between two people? Maybe him leaving her is a blessing in disguise so that she can have freedom to be with someone that doesn't control her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 He is that way in the bedroom which I love but everywhere else as well which is the only place we have butt heads. I'm still trying to get to where I just keep my mouth shut. It's not all the time. He just gets edgy sometimes. I wish he'd realize his life could be so much happier and less stress. I haven't won him over yet. I hope I do but also fear even if all my dreams come true will he be laying there at night wondering about her and missing her and did he make the right choice. It's just so hard. I just wish for now he'd divorce her and at least make her and I more even. I told them both ill never feel equal. They both want me to and how can you? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Ah ok, so if I am understanding you have taken D/s as a lifestyle. I can understand your dilemma however I would think you could find more help on this topic in an open marriage forum? Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 It seems to me that no matter who the players are in his life, his life will always be this way-there is no winning him over-its just a matter of if you can become the primary and not the secondary, but I feel like there will always be a secondary in his life- It takes a lot to get two not-so-willing women to agree to be in the position the three of you are in-he had to really work at it-it means a lot to him to be able to be the master of his domain- You need to decide for yourself if this is the life you want to lead- if not, you need to work towards getting yourself out of there- It does not appear that happily ever after for this man is monogamy- Best of luck and take care of you-not him- you- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 Yes I agree with that that he will always want/need something more. Him and I are very sexual people and have agreed on the lifestyle of inviting friends to join us from time to time. We are very connected and in love it's just hard to tell how this will pan out. I do agree with your post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 No not swinging with just full swaps. We are not into doing anything without the other. Just having some fun with us and another person from time to time. Everybody desires something most are just afraid to express it. We are open to each other about it. I know it may seem like he has it made but I promise I've seen myself how this has taken a toll on him. It's not all roses trust me. One complaining or needing this and one complaining and needing that. Think of how guys complain about the wife/gf needing attention and times that by two. Always running from one house to another. It's just what's happening in our lives right now. I don't agree with it and he says he doesn't either but it just sorta fell into our laps this way. He thinks it'll be easier when it comes time. I don't know. He and I went to see "the other woman". I laughed and said I cannot believe I am watching my life. The way the wife acted toward Camron Diaz is exactly how she has been to me. We have both agree tho that if we ever find a 3rd we are out. Haha! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 He is that way in the bedroom which I love but everywhere else as well which is the only place we have butt heads. I'm still trying to get to where I just keep my mouth shut. It's not all the time. He just gets edgy sometimes. Why does this alarm me? Oh yeah, having to "watch what you say in case he gets edgy". That is NOT healthy. No WAY could I live having to walk on eggshells like that. I wish he'd realize his life could be so much happier and less stress. I'm going to take a wild guess - but he is continuously stressed isn't he? I haven't won him over yet. I hope I do but also fear even if all my dreams come true will he be laying there at night wondering about her and missing her and did he make the right choice. It's just so hard. I just wish for now he'd divorce her and at least make her and I more even. I told them both ill never feel equal. They both want me to and how can you? Why would he D? Have you asked him to D his W? Why or why not ask - and, if you asked, what did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heavyheart101 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 Please understand that this started as a affair. One that I was told he was separated from his W in the beginning. She lived in a different town. To my knowledge they were separated and we made plans to start a life together. I have always been told and still am told that he WILL divorce her and marry me. All the talk is "when" we are together type talk. So yes it's been talked about......a lot. I was married when this started as well. I know it's a hard thing to do. Even tho I did not love him (my ex husband) like that anymore it was still too hard to just break someone. He finally found out and that's how it ended. He would of worked it out with me but it wasn't what I wanted. I'm not making excuses for him. I know it's been too long. So does he. He knows what needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) "I just wish for now he'd divorce her and at least make her and I more even." Be careful of what you wish for. This man is as selfish as I have seen here on this site. This seems to be more about a “competition” between you and her and the “pick me” dance going on. Not a good foundation for your R. "I know it's been too long. So does he. He knows what needs to be done" So what is keeping him? He knows you will wait and he call's all the shots. How does that make you feel? Edited May 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quotes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 No, I don't believe he knows it must be done-he says it but he does not act on it-the hope that you will be even with the wife is probably not going to happen unless you leave him until he does as he says he will- why would he fix what works for him? Link to post Share on other sites
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