How do you move on when you still work together...

[Tarnished]

My ex AP and I work together and are required to deal with each other in our daily roles (which is how we ended up in this mess in the first place).

 

His BS is now fully aware of the affair after months of lying and denial on his part, and has gone so far as to have me issued with a "Cease and Desist" letter from a lawyer that states I cannot talk to him unless business related.

 

The problem is that we have to deal with each other at least a few times a week, if not directly, then indirectly (eg. copied on emails, etc). We also pass each other in the car park or at lunch time.

 

I really want to move on and get over him and the damage the affair has caused, but I just don't know how it will be ever possible as long as we continue to work together.

 

I have suggested to my husband that I try and change jobs within my company, but he is against me doing that. He knows I love my job (after a long time of being very unhappy in previous roles) and he doesn't want me to have to make that sacrifice.

 

Ex AP's contract with the company is up for renewal shortly and I really want to ask him if it is being renewed or if he is leaving, but that breaks the "cease and desist" thing. If I knew he were leaving or not being renewed, I could hold out for that to happen.

 

I am angst-ridden every day I am at work and can only relax when I know he is away from the office on a day off or sick.

 

Now I understand why they say "never fish off the company pier"!!!

 

Does anyone who has been in this situation before have any advice for me?

 

Oh and yes, I know how dirty, filthy, guilty etc and all of that I am for having the affair in the first place so I don't really need to be told that - I would just like some constructive feedback from those who have been where I now am...

Edited May 27, 2014 by Tarnished

[anne1707]

fWS here who still works with the exOM.

 

There is no easy solution. It is all a matter of time. You basically need to follow the cease and desist order even if there was not one in place. You keep all contact to an absolute minimum and make it 100% work related. You don't even talk about the weather. And if he tries, you either tell him to stop or you leave the room. You have to work on not reacting to him as well including no eye contact more so than you would any other colleague. If a phone call will do instead of a meeting, use the phone. If an email will do instead of a phone call, use email. It's all about creating distance.

 

Be calm, polite and professional.

 

I don't know your story but I assume from your post that your husband knows of the affair. Speak to him about what level of disclosure, if any, he wants from you re the interactions you do have with the xMM at work. It may be that he is after nothing in particular except for how your day was. If it's the latter, which it is for me and my H now, then it may help to have another word to use instead of the xMM's name so your husband does not have to hear his name when you talk work. My H chose a name for the exOM - it's not flattering but it works for us

 

 

I can promise that by working together, this will be harder for all concerned. Recovery and reconciliation will be made that much more difficult and will take longer. Not everybody can do it and you may well get criticism for it. But it is for you and your H to decide what is right for you, not others.

[Emilia]

I work with an ex (not an affair as we were both single but otherwise applicable). I was quick to make a decision of moving on before I got pulled in too deep but we were also friends before we dated so there is no animosity.

 

It IS difficult because I have to pull myself away from socialising after work all the time and I know he is usually there and would be happy to chat. It's hard, talking to other men has helped. We got to know each other better after the 'split' (we didn't really date that much) and how we both handled it and there is mutual respect. We speak reasonably frequently because funnily enough we work on more projects together now. One of us will start chattering away about something non-work related and the other will eventually pull away.

 

So yeah, it's kind of a mess but at the same time I have no regrets. He is pretty awesome all things considered.

[DKT3]

Quit. Its that simple.

 

You were selfish enough to have the affair, and now your being selfish to allow your BH to put your feeling ahead of his by staying at the job with continued contact with your loverboy.

 

H may not admit it but you still working there is killing him. Yet he cares enough to let you decide and your decision is once again to put yourself, feelings and desires ahead of his.

 

Find another job, put in your notice and leave. Then deal with your marriage. Rebuild your truth with actions.

[Tarnished]

Quit. Its that simple.

 

You were selfish enough to have the affair, and now your being selfish to allow your BH to put your feeling ahead of his by staying at the job with continued contact with your loverboy.

 

Did you not read the bit where I said I didn't need the above type of comment?

 

You don't know the relationship I have with my husband, but for what it's worth, we are doing well. He is accepting of what has happened and openly encourages me to talk to him about my feelings for ex AP, as well as to talk to ex AP if I need closure on things. He is a very mature man and knows that I need to deal with all aspects of the affair if he and I are going to recover and rebuild. I hide nothing any longer from husband. He has even spoken to the ex AP and his BS. I tell him of every interaction I have with ex AP, no matter how minimal.

 

Quitting my job is simply not an option when we have a mortgage and live in a small town where there is a lack of secure well-paying jobs.

[DKT3]

Did you not read the bit where I said I didn't need the above type of comment?

 

You don't know the relationship I have with my husband, but for what it's worth, we are doing well. He is accepting of what has happened and openly encourages me to talk to him about my feelings for ex AP, as well as to talk to ex AP if I need closure on things. He is a very mature man and knows that I need to deal with all aspects of the affair if he and I are going to recover and rebuild. I hide nothing any longer from husband. He has even spoken to the ex AP and his BS. I tell him of every interaction I have with ex AP, no matter how minimal.

 

Quitting my job is simply not an option when we have a mortgage and live in a small town where there is a lack of secure well-paying jobs.

 

When you come to a place like this for advice, you will get different viewpoints. Not all will be what we want to hear, doesn't mean they aren't valid.

 

Look I'm on your side (side of making the marriage work) I'm in the same boat. Sometimes tough decisions have to be made, we have to do things we don't want for the other person. Right now, from what you've wrote it comes off as your husband is the one doing the work, he is the one making the effort.

 

I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments, its not my intent. Besides I didn't suggest you just quit your job, small town or not you can actively look for another job. Making the effort goes along way.

 

I will ask a question, you don't need to answer if you don't want. Where does your husband healing begin and who's looking out for him? He is helping you through this, who is helping him?

Edited May 27, 2014 by DKT3

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Your husband sounds like an amazing person. Bravo to him for supporting you and talking to you about the affair and supporting you. Now THAT kind is understanding man is someone to hold on to.

 

So many men hold on to anger thinking it somehow helps the marriage to hold something over the wife's head, some form of control. Your husband gets it. I am so jealous that you have this type of understanding support.

 

If I had that kind of support I would tell my husband about my EA, but from him getting rage fully angry about me simply talking about my needs, I know I could never have this type of support. He perhaps would going into a violent rage at worst or use this distraction as an excuse to not work on himself at best. Hold on to your man

 

I suggest stay professional, wait until the time of his end of contract and if he is still there then you reassess

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Your husband sounds like an amazing person. Bravo to him for supporting you and talking to you about the affair and supporting you. Now THAT kind is understanding man is rare.

 

So many men hold on to anger thinking it somehow helps the marriage to hold something over the wife's head, some form of control. Your husband gets it. I am so jealous that you have this type of understanding support.

 

If I had that kind of support I would tell my husband about my EA, but from him getting rage fully angry about me simply talking about my needs, I know I could never have this type of support. He perhaps would going into a violent rage at worst or use this distraction as an excuse to not work on himself at best. Hold on to your man

 

I suggest stay professional, wait until the time of his end of contract and if he is still there then you reassess