Have you ever suffered "bad mistress" guilt?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

right. of course you can't. You are just showing up at his house when he asks you not to after a 6 month break and then he physically removes you and you do NO self questioning. What an honest response.

 

Weren't you just asking if you should file charges against your MM?

 

Maybe you feel nothing because you never bothered following the rules.

[jesienna31]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?

 

I felt many times that way. That if I was a little bit more patient, a little bit more understanding and more chilled out things would work out better. He never promissed me anything , we knew it will end at some point, even knowing that my emotions and feelings for him got in a way. But yeah, as your points above.. I did think about them quite often and I was thinking I am not "cool" enough and "chilled" enough for such relationship. Maybe because I am single... so I overwhelmed him with my feelings and emotions. I simply fell in love... which is the most important rule not to break.

Edited May 27, 2014 by jesienna31

[Waverly]

I never intended to succeed as a mistress, to be honest. Even the word makes me feel queasy. Our goal from day one was to be together. Full stop. But, you know what they say about the best-laid plans.

 

I don't blame myself for not playing by the rules or anything. It wasn't about that. Buuuuttt..... no matter how I may try to make myself feel better about the circumstances or goals, it was still an affair. The end result was the same.

[Devastated1969]

What you feel is a healthy response to the situation. You have not failed, you have faced the reality that it is wrong, will cause pain all round and is not the right path... It is incredibly difficult to walk away when you have strong feelings but you deserve to be number one, we all do. I feel your pain but keep strong, walk away and take care of yourself x

[flightysue]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?

 

I love this thread, you are being honest and realistic, I hope you find someone special to share your life with.

[WasOtherWoman]

I was never OW material either. In the words of my MM, I was the most difficult disagreeable mistress ever on the planet earth.

 

He says that I am much more agreeable as his wife.

 

My point... rules? What rules? Who says you have to follow rules. I certainly didn't. I valued myself enough to know that I would only accept being someone's first choice, not their second and I sure as hell was not going to accept being anything other than his first priority.

 

edited: I just saw that you are married also. I was a single OW. I am thinking there are probably a different set of rules when both folks are married....

[Awake]

I didn't want to tj the other thread, so I'll post here, better fit anyways.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this confused, but no matter what, communication and planning is key. I talk to OW about everything, and we plan. We both know that we are not leaving our spouses, we even freed ourselves to fall in love to a degree, but to us, we are best friends that take care of each other, with added benefits.

[PachucaSunrise]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?[/i]

 

Please note, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk in any way (I am a FOW - I know the deal), but how would it be possible for things to have worked out better if you simply followed the rules of being a "good mistress"?? Would you REALLY be okay with yourself now, had you followed the proper course of action? I've read through these types of articles, and even though I realize ANYTHING is possible, it still blows my mind that these rules exist in the first place.

 

So, by following the rules, a good mistress basically dumbs herself down to knowingly be used?! Again, I'm really not trying to sound like a jerk, but I'm very curious... Did you try to follow these rules before you found yourself in an A? I had no clue there was even such a thing until after the fact.

 

I really hope you're not beating yourself up for not following through with these 'rules'. Honestly, you already allowed yourself to be disrespected, and knowingly did the same to the other parties involved in your A (I'm not coming down on you... I'm in your same position)... But by feeling guilty for not 'being a good mistress', you're only continuing to disrespect yourself even further! For your sake and personal healing, I REALLY hope that's not the case.

 

Personally, I didn't actively look to fall in love with a MM. I can't imagine anyone wanting to put themselves through such agony and torture. It's just awful, in sooooooo many ways. However, these 'rules' are out there, so it's obvious that some women seek out these sorts of things, which utterly blows me away.

 

So, to answer your question - YES - I failed, MISERABLY, at being a 'good mistress'. And even though I'm not proud to say that I actually was one, I DO NOT feel ANY guilt for not following through with these rules. My guilt stems from the hurt that I caused others, and how I willingly threw all of my self respect out the window, how I settled, how I selfishly put my happiness before others, for my COMPLETE stupidity... I could go on and on about this...

 

I do apologize if what I wrote came off as a little harsh - not my intention in any way. I'm obviously healing too, and I know how horrible it can feel at times. But think about this for just a bit - by not focusing on how you failed at being a proper mistress, and focusing more on how you allowed yourself to get to that place to begin with, I really believe that will ultimately help you in your healing process. If you REALLY want to move past this and learn from what this experience taught you - EFF the rules and learn to respect yourself again! It's hard, hard work, but trust me, it CAN be done. I'm on my way and hope you will soon be as well.

[mimijiminy]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?

 

Totally. I started to struggle with this in the past few days even though the A has been going on for several months now. I have been beating myself up for being "weak" and "naive" and "needy" … but at the same time knowing I am and wasn't either of those things.

 

I don't know how my A will end, when it will end, if it will end so I also have no idea what a better scenario would have been had I followed the "rules."

 

My feelings of inadequacy and failure surfaced last week following an encounter with MM who was quite harsh when he told me to not expect anything from him following a conversation I initiated about his lack of contact in between sexcapades. While I hadn't made demands, acted neurotic, stalked, called, messaged … he made me realize that somehow I had done or thought most of the things you mention in your post. And called me out on them, essentially nipping it in the bud before it progressed to even more intensity. Probably did me a favor, though I don't see it as such at the moment.

 

But going back to your list. All of those feelings and desires are natural for human beings, particularly women. Just because the person across from you is otherwise unavailable, and you fully realize that, doesn't mean that there's an off switch that you can activate. I don't think it's possible. That would be robotic and we're just not built that way. Yes, there are some (enviable) women out there who are truly able to act more like men do, differentiating between sex and love and compartmentalizing with the best of them … makings of the good mistress, in your words. However, I believe they're few and far between. And then there are women who say they're OK with the above, who say they don't feel or think the above, keep emotions from their APs because that's what's expected of them and suffer in silence by themselves…in denial, basically. And furthermore there is another who are able to somehow find a happy balance…though happy and satisfied OW I have come realize is somewhat of an oxymoron.

 

Not sure if this post is helping you any, or making any sense, but I felt I needed to respond. As I sit here, waiting for that little 'ping' that signifies a message from him, listening to Etta James and wishing it were after 5pm so I can have my glass of wine to cope with this turmoil of feelings of unimaginable proportions. I feel silly, I feel bad for feeling and for being so transparent as to have him notice, and for not being able to "man up" and disengage.

 

That said … whether we would have, could have, should have acted/felt differently … I don't think it matters. Affairs are disastrous relationships to begin with and even if you perform on a level of excellence in one aspect, something else is bound to rear its ugly head at some point in time, making you question yourself or him all over again. It is truly a vicious, all - consuming thing … I don't think you can ever get it right.

 

Hugs.

Edited May 28, 2014 by mimijiminy

[goodyblue]

I was not a good mistress. I infiltrated his life, If I needed him, he'd damn well better be there just as I was for him.

 

It's a tough gig, I'll say that.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

My xMM was using terms for me like "emotional roller coaster, mercurial, possessive, demanding" and even called my processing of a very unnatural and painful connection by writing him long emails which he dismissed as "epics" to trying to explain my feelings. He would write smallish emails back with short sentences, wouldn't schedule times to talk on the phone so that I could hear voice inflection because he was always too busy with the family and could possibly "schedule me in" yet he could have simply called on a lunch break. He jokingly and lovingly said at the end of it all "I miss you and your crazy"

 

I do admit to being overwhelming, and perhaps I was all of the above, but it isn't who I am. I am just incapable of surviving in a long distance affair with an non communicative wishy washy (and someone who he himself was mercurial) person.

 

I was always saying I was sorry and he was always accepting the apologies and NEVER once owned up to doing anything wrong. In fact not being a big apologizer was something that I took note of early on and ignored because of all the irrational love hormones flying about in my body.

 

Long story short was that although I wanted to believe he was a nice guy since I know he had it in him, I may have been making myself vulnerable and trying to respect the rules with someone who possibly just wasn't a very nice guy and was using me as purely an ego stroke. To be used like that when I felt so much, hurts.

 

But to add to the crazy making, he kept saying he loved me all the way to the end and I believed him. But I don't know that either of us knew what the heck we were talking about.

Edited May 28, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[mimijiminy]

My xMM was using terms for me like "emotional roller coaster, mercurial, possessive, demanding" and even called my processing of a very unnatural and painful connection by writing him long emails which he dismissed as "epics" to trying to explain my feelings. He would write smallish emails back with short sentences, wouldn't schedule times to talk on the phone so that I could hear voice inflection because he was always too busy with the family and could possibly "schedule me in" yet he could have simply called on a lunch break. He jokingly and lovingly said at the end of it all "I miss you and your crazy"

 

I do admit to being overwhelming, and perhaps I was all of the above, but it isn't who I am. I am just incapable of surviving in a long distance affair with an non communicative wishy washy (and someone who he himself was mercurial) person.

 

I was always saying I was sorry and he was always accepting the apologies and NEVER once owned up to doing anything wrong. In fact not being a big apologizer was something that I took note of early on and ignored because of all the irrational love hormones flying about in my body.

 

Long story short was that although I wanted to believe he was a nice guy since I know he had it in him, I may have been making myself vulnerable and trying to respect the rules with someone who possibly just wasn't a very nice guy and was using me as purely an ego stroke. To be used like that when I felt so much, hurts.

 

But to add to the crazy making, he kept saying he loved me all the way to the end and I believed him. But I don't know that either of us knew what the heck we were talking about.

 

How long did it last? All told, despite the pain, it seems you've learned a bit more about yourself … at the very least what you can tolerate and deal with, and what you can't.

 

I remember in a previous post you said you didn't think you were cut out to be the OW -- I am the same. Since these As are our first…we're still trying to figure out our role in them, if any, and the rules of the game, if there is such a thing. Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned is that we're really not able to handle these things, and however alluring future As may be, our experience will prevent us from dipping our feet in again. Trying to see the silver lining here

 

Your guy, too, was harsh it seems in how he delivered his messages to you and expressed his discomfort over your "behavior." Saying he loves and misses you after dropping a bombshell doesn't make it better, even though it's nice to hear. I don't know whether or not he was a nice guy because I don't really know your story. Could it be that you're trying to make him into a not-so-nice guy in your mind to make getting over it easier? Not judging … and you do what you need to do girlfriend but from what I've read here it sounds like he acted like pretty much every other MM. Insensitive to the AP and selfish -- comes with the turf right?

 

I think you did what you thought was right or felt right. There's no play book. And, you were flying blind because you had nothing else to go on. I know it's WAY easier said than done (and am saying this to myself just as much as you) try not to beat yourself up about it and do not second guess how it all went down. That's akin to not just pulling the scab off a huge wound, but scouring it with a Brillo pad and then throwing vinegar on it. Painful, right? Don't do it.

 

It'll be 5pm where I live in 1.5 hours … time for my wine Have a glass, too, then we can pretend we're chatting.

 

Hang in there.

[cocorico]

I was an OW, but never a "mistress". I did not expect him to support me economically, nor was I his supplementary sexual plaything. We were in a R like any other R - the only difference was that he had a vestigial R with the BW, and that was his problem, not mine. It did not change my expectations or demands at all. So no, no guilt - why should I have had?

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like even if you were a bad mistress you were always true to you and never hid what you wanted. My guess is that will serve you well in the long run and that's a good thing.

[MissBee]

Although I am moving beyond this now since I realize that I was never OW material, part of my struggle about letting go of my past EA with a MM was feeling guilty for my inability to follow the rules:

 

1. Stay as second choice to wife and family and accept the limited aspects an affair affords someone who is in love with their MM

2. Never falling in love with MM

3. have sexual conversation and not have it lead to deep emotions for the person you share your vulnerabilities with

4. being comfortable with not knowing when you was going to see him

5. knowing that should you have needs in the off hours that he will not be there for you.

6. having realistic daydreams about the other man which includes only brief moments and never wanting more.

 

Although I logically knew that a "good mistress" follows these rules, my heart kept getting in the way and it made me feel wrong somehow. I know the insanity of this now because I think that most struggle with an affair because the natural way that most people incline is to always want more. But even still, I kept being plagued with "if only I could have disengaged myself emotionally, it would have worked out better"

 

Did you ever suffer from feeling like you "failed" as a mistress and how did you move on from feeling bad about this if it ultimately made it impossible for you to follow through?

 

No.

 

Failure implies that it was something I aspired to do well. I was never actually okay with being an OW so I was never good at it and didn't try to be and because of the logistics of our situation I more or less didn't have to conform to mistress rules.

 

If you have a relationship where in order to be in it you have to train yourself to disengage emotionally and to require and want less, suffice it to say, it's probably not a healthy relationship for you to be in.

 

I think many happy OW are happy because they are good at following the "mistress rules" and are genuinely fine with the parameters and limitations of the A for whatever reason while the majority are unhappy or dissatisfied because they expect to get the same things out of the affair as they would an open, monogamous relationship, which they inevitably don't.

[Lucygolds]

For me, these rules were thrown out from the start. My exMOM made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted a relationship with me. He asked me if I was his girlfriend within a few days.At the same time it was understood with both of us that we would try to save our families first if we were caught. Since were both married it was easier to understand his limitations and I had expected him to understand mine. It did hurt once the nighttime and weekend emails stopped. I told myself that it was for our protection. So since we started a relationship and I was his girl......we fell in love but, I feel we both stayed somewhat guarded. It was scary to fall in love with some one when you still love your spouse. We were both terrified. Since we have been caught by his W and my H knows all. We are now in NC. Not because either of us wanted it but because it was forced. And, as guarded as I tried to be......it hurts like hell.

[Nofoollikeanoldfool]

For me, these rules were thrown out from the start. My exMOM made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted a relationship with me. He asked me if I was his girlfriend within a few days.At the same time it was understood with both of us that we would try to save our families first if we were caught. Since were both married it was easier to understand his limitations and I had expected him to understand mine. It did hurt once the nighttime and weekend emails stopped. I told myself that it was for our protection. So since we started a relationship and I was his girl......we fell in love but, I feel we both stayed somewhat guarded. It was scary to fall in love with some one when you still love your spouse. We were both terrified. Since we have been caught by his W and my H knows all. We are now in NC. Not because either of us wanted it but because it was forced. And, as guarded as I tried to be......it hurts like hell.

Like you me and AP were both M and agreed to end things if family was endangered. Unfortunately I couldn't live with the guilt as MOM so came clean to EW. Now several months after divorce am still in a R with MOW, things have got complicated for her and she wanted space so now in NC. No idea what the future holds but hurts like hell at the moment. Hope things get better for you.

[Lucygolds]

Like you me and AP were both M and agreed to end things if family was endangered. Unfortunately I couldn't live with the guilt as MOM so came clean to EW. Now several months after divorce am still in a R with MOW, things have got complicated for her and she wanted space so now in NC. No idea what the future holds but hurts like hell at the moment. Hope things get better for you.

 

I feel your pain.....it is the worst I have ever suffered. I hope things get better for you as well.

[cocorico]

they expect to get the same things out of the affair as they would an open, monogamous relationship, which they inevitably don't.

 

Perhaps English is not your home language, but "inevitable" means "unavoidable", ie it always happens that way, and can't happen any other way.

 

Since a couple of people have already posted on this thread that their experiences were different, it clearly is not " inevitable". It is "sometimes", perhaps even "mostly", but not "inevitably". So I guess the difference would be, what you want, demand and are prepared to insist on in a R - to the point of being willing to leave the R if you don't get it. If it doesn't matter to you that much, and you're prepared to accept less, then perhaps it might seem "inevitable" when you get less.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I suppose this thread goes out to the women (and men) who knew there were rules, wanted to follow the rules, but couldn't because the needs and the heart got in the way in the end causing either disruption or feelings of failure for not being comfy with the rules already set. Or even if there weren't spoken rules knowing that it would be impossible to continue as am AP without following them.

 

If you or anyone else happened to be comfy, than this thread isn't for you.

 

No.

 

Failure implies that it was something I aspired to do well. I was never actually okay with being an OW so I was never good at it and didn't try to be and because of the logistics of our situation I more or less didn't have to conform to mistress rules.

 

If you have a relationship where in order to be in it you have to train yourself to disengage emotionally and to require and want less, suffice it to say, it's probably not a healthy relationship for you to be in.

 

I think many happy OW are happy because they are good at following the "mistress rules" and are genuinely fine with the parameters and limitations of the A for whatever reason while the majority are unhappy or dissatisfied because they expect to get the same things out of the affair as they would an open, monogamous relationship, which they inevitably don't.

Edited May 28, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thank you!

 

We were "together" about 4 months. I finally started to pressure because I was losing my mind and he was never giving any definite answers about even meeting. We talked daily, all day, driving eachother mad, flirting kidding around, learning about and supporting eachother. He and I has a ton in common. We texted, FB, Pinterest and rarely talked, but never met. It was a virtual EA. But it felt real. I honestly felt like we had sex and he knew more about my sexual preferences than anyone in the world. We even had relationship fights. Were telling eachother we loved eachother etc..

 

Anyway, am I trying to protect myself by calling him mean? The truth is, I didn't know him well enough to know for sure. He did a lot of things that leaned toward insensitive. Some I think he did on purpose as a mind game to see if I would feel hurt and sometimes he was kind.

 

What he was for certain was terrible at communication, never apologized for anything ever, didn't make enough time to talk things through, would do things to make me crazy for him and then pull away the next day (which would cause me to act crazy), then he would berate me for being an emotional roller coaster. he ran from conflict and I am not sure of this, but I think he was flirting with other women. But he would get so angry if I inquired. So I felt like I was a number. The one time I saw him on Skype his expression looked almost mean. Ugh I just simply didn't know him well enough.

 

I fell in love with a fantasy I think

 

 

How long did it last? All told, despite the pain, it seems you've learned a bit more about yourself … at the very least what you can tolerate and deal with, and what you can't.

 

I remember in a previous post you said you didn't think you were cut out to be the OW -- I am the same. Since these As are our first…we're still trying to figure out our role in them, if any, and the rules of the game, if there is such a thing. Perhaps the biggest lesson to be learned is that we're really not able to handle these things, and however alluring future As may be, our experience will prevent us from dipping our feet in again. Trying to see the silver lining here

 

Your guy, too, was harsh it seems in how he delivered his messages to you and expressed his discomfort over your "behavior." Saying he loves and misses you after dropping a bombshell doesn't make it better, even though it's nice to hear. I don't know whether or not he was a nice guy because I don't really know your story. Could it be that you're trying to make him into a not-so-nice guy in your mind to make getting over it easier? Not judging … and you do what you need to do girlfriend but from what I've read here it sounds like he acted like pretty much every other MM. Insensitive to the AP and selfish -- comes with the turf right?

 

I think you did what you thought was right or felt right. There's no play book. And, you were flying blind because you had nothing else to go on. I know it's WAY easier said than done (and am saying this to myself just as much as you) try not to beat yourself up about it and do not second guess how it all went down. That's akin to not just pulling the scab off a huge wound, but scouring it with a Brillo pad and then throwing vinegar on it. Painful, right? Don't do it.

 

It'll be 5pm where I live in 1.5 hours … time for my wine Have a glass, too, then we can pretend we're chatting.

 

Hang in there.

[Pastypop]

I was awful! All of it revolved around my schedule not theirs. I was not patient and understanding if he could not get his lies together as I gave him ample notice. I wouldn't wait around for hours for him to meet either.