How does a guy become interesting enough to women to get dates?

[normal person]

Yes, give up all the things you love, and the things that make you you. Become some one you are not, and that will SURELY get you some dates

 

Because all the things that have made him him have been working out so well, haven't they? That's cute. In terms of this topic, your fairy tale platitudes like "be yourself" and "never change who you are" that so many people subscribe to are fine assuming that those people are completely content with how they actually are at attracting others. But Somedude is not at all content as evidenced by the fact that he made a thread complaining about how he's not interesting enough to get a girlfriend.

 

You want him to have his cake and eat it too. What he's been doing, who he is, what he likes, hasn't been working. Which would be fine if he was happy in every aspect of his life, but he wants a women. If he didn't want a women, I'd suggest he play video games and be merry until the day he dies. It doesn't seem like he wants that. Eventually he has to compromise something about himself to become more appealing. We all have had to do it. We wear clothes that aren't comfortable because they look more appealing. We go to the gym and push through pain to get better physiques to be healthier and more aesthetic. We develop businesses and projects and do extra work for more money for more options. We work hard for promotions and more opportunities. Is this stuff fun? Hell no. Yeah, it'd be a lot easier to sit around, play video games and watch cartoons under the "it's just who I am!!!" banner. What an easy life that'd be.

 

In the real world, people make judgments about who you are and how you spend your time. Saying "it's just what makes me me" isn't an "escape judgment" card. It's an invitation to be judged, and the world is very judgmental.

 

This forum is full of threads that read "How do I get a girlfriend/be more attractive/get a date?" but when you read into them, a lot of them boil down to "how do I get a girlfriend without compromising anything unappealing about myself, putting in any effort to make myself more attractive to another human being, or stepping out of my comfort zone at all?" and then a dozen people reinforcing the notion that the guy is perfect as is but just needs to put on a freaking costume.

 

Since it's appropriate, how about a Maya Angelou quote?

 

"Nothing will work unless you do."

 

I know that's something of an unpopular idea around here.

[lino]

Somedude81, do you have a job yet? Are you earning money?

If not, this is the biggest thing holding you back, much more than being interesting or not.

 

A guy with no money is as attractive as a guy with aids to women.

 

I know of guys who are as interesting as the bacteria in the back of one's mouth and they have no trouble with women.

 

The best way to find success with women is to befriend men who are successful with girls and do what they do.

 

You have no friends and therefore nobody to learn from. It's going to continue being an uphill battleuntil you progress in the 2 areas I've mentioned.

 

Also, living your life on this message board isn't very healthy . I'd try to minimise your time on here.

[Untouched]

Haha, somedude81, I can't tell if you are really serious or trying to be funny! You are already an "older man" I would say. Are you interesting or not? Do your friends like hanging out with you? Are you active in things you love to do? Then you ARE interesting! You don't have to "BECOME interesting enough for WOMEN" so you can get dates! Just be your own interesting self! The women that appreciate you for who you are and what you have going on in your life will be interested!

 

I seem to have kind of a "thing" for older men, at least it's looking that way. And the reason is that the ones I have met are so much more interesting than the guys my own age that I have dated. They might not look as good or spend as much time in the gym (thank goodness, that seems the height of not interesting to me!) but the ones I know have so much more depth and passion for their interests than the young guys …

[somedude81]

Somedude81, do you have a job yet? Are you earning money?

If not, this is the biggest thing holding you back, much more than being interesting or not.

 

A guy with no money is as attractive as a guy with aids to women.

 

I know of guys who are as interesting as the bacteria in the back of one's mouth and they have no trouble with women.

 

 

Also, living your life on this message board isn't very healthy . I'd try to minimise your time on here.

No I'm currently not working but am looking for a job. Either way, getting a job will not suddenly make me attractive to women. For all intents and purposes, it's easier to just pretend that I am working and start from there.

 

 

The best way to find success with women is to befriend men who are successful with girls and do what they do.

 

You have no friends and therefore nobody to learn from. It's going to continue being an uphill battle until you progress in the 2 areas I've mentioned.

And how am I supposed to meet and befriend men who are successful with girls? I seriously doubt it's as easy as your trying to insinuate. In my experience, it's been much easier trying to get girls to hang out with me, then to get guys to hang out with me.

[somedude81]

Haha, somedude81, I can't tell if you are really serious or trying to be funny! You are already an "older man" I would say. Are you interesting or not? Do your friends like hanging out with you? Are you active in things you love to do? Then you ARE interesting! You don't have to "BECOME interesting enough for WOMEN" so you can get dates! Just be your own interesting self! The women that appreciate you for who you are and what you have going on in your life will be interested!

 

I seem to have kind of a "thing" for older men, at least it's looking that way. And the reason is that the ones I have met are so much more interesting than the guys my own age that I have dated. They might not look as good or spend as much time in the gym (thank goodness, that seems the height of not interesting to me!) but the ones I know have so much more depth and passion for their interests than the young guys …

Ugh. Please don't call me an older man. Look at my pictures in my profile. Do I really look older?

 

And no, I'm not interesting enough for women to date. I've only manged to get one girlfriend in my entire life. Women just aren't attracted to me and I need to change that. The first thing I thought of was to try and become more interesting, so women would actually notice me.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with normal person.

 

Let's look past the hobbies thing too for a second though. The overall sense I am getting with somedude81 is that he doesn't *seem to be in touch with* (not the same as actually "not having any", I can't see inside his head or anything) any desire to contribute to the world. The only purpose he *seems to* care about is getting himself a girlfriend.

 

No apparent desire to build something. To make a mark. To make a positive difference--other than with a cute girl that is, who might be someone to date.

 

That strikes me as very unmasculine. And probably really unattractive to women too.

Edited May 29, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Really dude? How common do you think that desire to "contribute to the world" actually is for the average man?

 

The vast majority of men just want to get paid and get laid.

[Teknoe]

Because all the things that have made him him have been working out so well, haven't they? That's cute. In terms of this topic, your fairy tale platitudes like "be yourself" and "never change who you are" that so many people subscribe to are fine assuming that those people are completely content with how they actually are at attracting others. But Somedude is not at all content as evidenced by the fact that he made a thread complaining about how he's not interesting enough to get a girlfriend.

 

You want him to have his cake and eat it too. What he's been doing, who he is, what he likes, hasn't been working. Which would be fine if he was happy in every aspect of his life, but he wants a women. If he didn't want a women, I'd suggest he play video games and be merry until the day he dies. It doesn't seem like he wants that. Eventually he has to compromise something about himself to become more appealing. We all have had to do it. We wear clothes that aren't comfortable because they look more appealing. We go to the gym and push through pain to get better physiques to be healthier and more aesthetic. We develop businesses and projects and do extra work for more money for more options. We work hard for promotions and more opportunities. Is this stuff fun? Hell no. Yeah, it'd be a lot easier to sit around, play video games and watch cartoons under the "it's just who I am!!!" banner. What an easy life that'd be.

 

In the real world, people make judgments about who you are and how you spend your time. Saying "it's just what makes me me" isn't an "escape judgment" card. It's an invitation to be judged, and the world is very judgmental.

 

This forum is full of threads that read "How do I get a girlfriend/be more attractive/get a date?" but when you read into them, a lot of them boil down to "how do I get a girlfriend without compromising anything unappealing about myself, putting in any effort to make myself more attractive to another human being, or stepping out of my comfort zone at all?" and then a dozen people reinforcing the notion that the guy is perfect as is but just needs to put on a freaking costume.

 

Since it's appropriate, how about a Maya Angelou quote?

 

"Nothing will work unless you do."

 

I know that's something of an unpopular idea around here.

 

 

As much as a small part of me hates to admit it, that post is 100% true.

 

SD is clearly not happy with his life, but seemingly unwilling to compromise or step outside of his comfort zone. Every viable suggestion he's been given he seems to say "I'll look into it" but I'm wondering how often he ever does follow through, and commit to sticking it through?

 

After so many years, you have to be honest with yourself and see what kind of patterns exist that might be hindering you from true happiness.

 

Admittedly, I love video games and live a homebody rather boring (I prefer "simple" haha) lifestyle. My expectations of the opposite sex has changed over time. I now look for homebodies as well... as a travel loving girl would not gel well with me. It's about being honest with yourself and how much you're willing to change. I honestly love games, and don't want to change that. Therefore I know I need to find a girl more tolerant (if not embraces) video games.

 

I also agree with the idea that SD's biggest problem seems to be himself mentally. I'm not trying to beat up on you SD as you and I are far more alike than you might think, but man, you seem very "tone deaf" about certain things... i.e. "x is not up for discussion." It absolutely SHOULD BE. Until you truly face your fears, obstacles and shortcomings, you will never grow and blossom.

 

Sweeping issues under the rug (such as friends or having a career or passing that calculus class) is not going to magically make these issues go away. You can ignore them all you want. The result is you will likely always stay right where you are right now.

 

It's just reality, bro. Change, or stay the same.

[ASG]

 

Think about this, other men your age (your competition) are developing businesses or skills or bettering themselves. People in this thread are literally suggesting you, as a 32 year old man, dress up in a costume and attend a convention. Am I reading this right? Just because that might make you "interesting" doesn't mean it won't also make you a complete joke of an adult.

 

 

Er... judgy much?!

I happen to know several people in their 30s 40s 50s and even older who do dress up in costume and attend conventions. Most of those are actually married or in a LTR. These things are NOT kryptonite.

 

Sure, it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it doesn't mean it's not valid.

 

And not being funny, but judging by the sheer amount of people that attend these events and do dress up, they're not even that small a minority either!

 

Last year, at Dragon Con I met a Victoria Secrets model. She was cosplaying as well. She attends DC every year with her husband. And there are MANY like her.

[Untouched]

Ugh. Please don't call me an older man. Look at my pictures in my profile. Do I really look older?

 

Well, don't be offended, but you definitely do not look like you are in your 20's. You don't look younger than you actually are, but that is not a thing to be ashamed of.

 

And no, I'm not interesting enough for women to date. I've only manged to get one girlfriend in my entire life. Women just aren't attracted to me and I need to change that. The first thing I thought of was to try and become more interesting, so women would actually notice me.

 

Well, interesting people are … interesting! I don't know about trying to become something just so that other people will like you though. Maybe do it for your own sake?

[Untouched]

Somedude, I don't agree that just because you are not a young guy that you should not go to dress up conventions if that is what you enjoy. Don't you have a lot of opportunities to meet girls when you go to them? I would think so. I have never been to one though.

[somedude81]

Well, don't be offended, but you definitely do not look like you are in your 20's. You don't look younger than you actually are, but that is not a thing to be ashamed of.

Bah, I blame it on the pictures. I really do look horrible in the vast majority of them I'm in.

 

 

 

Somedude, I don't agree that just because you are not a young guy that you should not go to dress up conventions if that is what you enjoy. Don't you have a lot of opportunities to meet girls when you go to them? I would think so. I have never been to one though.

I've only been to about three conventions and I've never dressed up.

 

I have never tried to meet girls at one, and frankly I have no idea how I'd meet a girl there.

[Els]

Perhaps you're putting the cart before the horse. SD wants to be interesting to get someone's attention. Not just maintain it once he has the girl.

 

Once again, I'm not trying to be a jerk but I think this thread is lacking some much needed honesty. Somedude, maybe I'm in the minority here but I think you need to divorce yourself from video games, anime, and anything else of the sort that's marketed towards 12 year olds. Put that stuff in the closet next your pogs, ALF sweatshirt and any other dated interest from a foregone era.

 

People here will tell you it's fine if you like that stuff -- and it is, subjectively, in this fairy tale world where no one judges anyone else -- but if you're trying to meet girls in the real world and have real success, this stuff is like kryptonite. There are outliers here in the thread who say they don't mind this stuff but they don't represent the majority of women. This stuff might be tolerated but it's unlikely to attract most women.

 

Think about this, other men your age (your competition) are developing businesses or skills or bettering themselves. People in this thread are literally suggesting you, as a 32 year old man, dress up in a costume and attend a convention. Am I reading this right? Just because that might make you "interesting" doesn't mean it won't also make you a complete joke of an adult.

 

Maybe it's a bad example, but can you imagine Don Draper playing video games and wearing a costume? You've got stuff in your life that you want to accomplish and you're wasting your waning youth with child's play? Is this honestly what grown women expect out of their partners these days? Would a girl rather have a guy who spends his free time accomplishing things or one who plays video games and dresses up like a cartoon character? Girls, please help me out here.

 

Nah. There are a range of people with interests in comics and video games nowadays - it isn't a solely 'for kids' thing the way it was 20 years ago. The gamers I know are mostly in their late 20s-early 30s and are fairly successful in their careers. There are doctors, software engineers, etc, and most of them are in a LTR or married. They also have other hobbies. This is the real world, not just subjective imagination.

 

But graduating and working SHOULD be absolute top priority for you now, SD. And also, I hate to break it to you, but it is not that easy to get a job right after you graduate, especially if you have no relevant experience and a bad GPA. (edit: this isn't to put you down, this is to say start looking NOW. Even at internships or summer experience programmes)

Edited May 29, 2014 by Elswyth

[normal person]

Er... judgy much?!

I happen to know several people in their 30s 40s 50s and even older who do dress up in costume and attend conventions. Most of those are actually married or in a LTR. These things are NOT kryptonite.

 

Sure, it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it doesn't mean it's not valid.

 

I'm not judging or saying it isn't valid. I'm saying it's probably not particularly viable. If it works for you or whoever, great. SD already has one foot in this universe and it hasn't done him any favors. I'm trying to give him the best odds of success and I can't say that dressing up like Captain America is going to do it for him. You will have small niche of people who love this stuff and are fine with it. But I can't imagine these people are the majority. You're not really saying he'll be better for going to a costume convention than he will for going to the gym or studying, are you?

 

And not being funny, but judging by the sheer amount of people that attend these events and do dress up, they're not even that small a minority either!

 

But can you attest to the sheer amount of people who wouldn't be caught dead doing stuff like that? No, because they weren't there for you to count.

 

Last year, at Dragon Con I met a Victoria Secrets model. She was cosplaying as well.

 

She attends DC every year with her husband. And there are MANY like her.

 

What a surprise that she doesn't have to compromise her niche interest in this unusual, not-typically-age-appropriate stuff because she's literally one of the most attractive women on planet Earth. Not to be cruel, but I doubt most people will overlook it in the same way when it's a desperate 32 year old guy wearing a halloween costume like a badge of honor. Let's be real. If you could turn it into a point saying that most women of that caliber aren't necessarily turned off by grown men who do this stuff, you might have some traction with this thought. But until then, I've got to believe that societal norms prevail otherwise. I believe SD should play the numbers to give himself the best advantage.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I feel like at some point people need to stop coddling SD and just give him some tough love and reasonable advice. The world is not a nice place and we all need to adapt or die. You probably can't have your cake and eat it too.

[somedude81]

It's not like I'd have to wear a costume every day....

[Els]

I'm not judging or saying it isn't valid. I'm saying it's probably not particularly viable. If it works for you or whoever, great. SD already has one foot in this universe and it hasn't done him any favors. I'm trying to give him the best odds of success and I can't say that dressing up like Captain America is going to do it for him. You will have small niche of people who love this stuff and are fine with it. But I can't imagine these people are the majority. You're not really saying he'll be better for going to a costume convention than he will for going to the gym or studying, are you?

 

Nobody is saying that all he should do is attend cosplays, and especially not in place of studying or working out.

 

I have no problems with the advice you're giving him to broaden his horizons. I do have problems with blanket statements like

 

But can you attest to the sheer amount of people who wouldn't be caught dead doing stuff like that? No, because they weren't there for you to count.

If you could turn it into a point saying that most women of that caliber aren't necessarily turned off by grown men who do this stuff

Is this honestly what grown women expect out of their partners these days? Would a girl rather have a guy who spends his free time accomplishing things or one who plays video games and dresses up like a cartoon character?

[normal person]

It's not like I'd have to wear a costume every day....

 

Fair enough. I have nothing against this stuff. As I've been saying, if that's who you are, great. If you're content with who you are and what it's brought you in terms of women, continue down this path.

 

However, if you aren't content with what it's brought you in terms of women, you need to change it or stop complaining. You probably can't have it both ways.

 

I'm a realistic person but I'm also successful. I wouldn't in good consciousness be giving you advice if it hadn't worked for me firsthand. People in these threads will decry me for telling you not to play video games or watch anime. All I can say is that I speak from experience. And you know what? I'm exactly like you, I love women. So I've acted on it. I've gone out and did what needed to be done to attract them. I've also done what I can to subtract the things and habits that were unappealing about me. I work like a mad man and I don't take time to indulge in escapist trivial stuff that does nothing to better my life. I reinvest everything in myself and I reap the benefits of my hard work -- I go out with 1-3 women during the week and on the weekends I typically meet at least one more. I've got what I want, but in no way was it easy. Is it "who I am?" In a way, no, but in another, yes. In a perfect world I'd sit around drinking beer all day watching TV and have a multitude of beautiful girls knocking at my door. But I realize I can really only have one or the other. I wanted the girls and the money more.

 

I've sacrificed and worked my ass off to be as successful as I am in life and with women, and never once could I rationalize how it might be more important to sit around and escape reality or watch other people live on screen than to accomplish something myself. There's no secret to what women like and what turns them off. You can put in the blood, sweat, and tears and give up things that you like doing for something else you want even more or you can just stay the course and play the entitlement card like it reads "this is just who I am, I won't change, and that should be enough for you. If you expect more, it's your fault." To say that implies that you think you're perfect, and we all know that we aren't. We can all make ourselves more appealing in one way or another and to try and deny that is the sort of toxic train of thought that perpetuates peoples' lack of success. People buy into this Disney "be who you are" nonsense because it's comfortable and self-affirming. See how much success it brings you if the person you are just isn't that great. Work for it.

[normal person]

Nobody is saying that all he should do is attend cosplays, and especially not in place of studying or working out.

 

Well I don't think that's going to be anything but detrimental. Just my two cents.

 

 

I have no problems with the advice you're giving him to broaden his horizons. I do have problems with blanket statements like

 

Well then maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's anec dotal justification but I have never seen a girl be gung ho about this stuff, in fact quite the opposite. You guys can present one side of the coin but the world I know is firmly opposite of it. Sorry if anyone took offense.

[Imajerk17]

Something tells me guys way outnumber women at these things too so somedude81's chances of meeting a girl to date there might not be so great....just saying

[somedude81]

I've never even tried to cosplay or meet women at conventions. It would just be a new thing I would try.

[thefooloftheyear]

Fair enough. I have nothing against this stuff. As I've been saying, if that's who you are, great. If you're content with who you are and what it's brought you in terms of women, continue down this path.

 

However, if you aren't content with what it's brought you in terms of women, you need to change it or stop complaining. You probably can't have it both ways.

 

I'm a realistic person but I'm also successful. I wouldn't in good consciousness be giving you advice if it hadn't worked for me firsthand. People in these threads will decry me for telling you not to play video games or watch anime. All I can say is that I speak from experience. And you know what? I'm exactly like you, I love women. So I've acted on it. I've gone out and did what needed to be done to attract them. I've also done what I can to subtract the things and habits that were unappealing about me. I work like a mad man and I don't take time to indulge in escapist trivial stuff that does nothing to better my life. I reinvest everything in myself and I reap the benefits of my hard work -- I go out with 1-3 women during the week and on the weekends I typically meet at least one more. I've got what I want, but in no way was it easy. Is it "who I am?" In a way, no, but in another, yes. In a perfect world I'd sit around drinking beer all day watching TV and have a multitude of beautiful girls knocking at my door. But I realize I can really only have one or the other. I wanted the girls and the money more.

 

I've sacrificed and worked my ass off to be as successful as I am in life and with women, and never once could I rationalize how it might be more important to sit around and escape reality or watch other people live on screen than to accomplish something myself. There's no secret to what women like and what turns them off. You can put in the blood, sweat, and tears and give up things that you like doing for something else you want even more or you can just stay the course and play the entitlement card like it reads "this is just who I am, I won't change, and that should be enough for you. If you expect more, it's your fault." To say that implies that you think you're perfect, and we all know that we aren't. We can all make ourselves more appealing in one way or another and to try and deny that is the sort of toxic train of thought that perpetuates peoples' lack of success. People buy into this Disney "be who you are" nonsense because it's comfortable and self-affirming. See how much success it brings you if the person you are just isn't that great. Work for it.

 

 

All of what you are saying I have been telling this guy since the beginning...You are more eloquent than I am,. but its the same advice...

 

And the Mickey Mouse advice that he has been given, (mostly from the hypocrite women-more on that later) about not changing and "being yourself" is just nonsense...We grow as people...We mature....We shed our old skin and become a "new and improved" adult...In the case of a man, we become providers, masters, "commanders", of a sort....not in a macho way, but more in a quiet and confident way...

 

Im not the same person I was at 22 when I was 32...When I was 22 I was banging around at clubs, street racing cars, bar fighting, sitting in police stations, etc...I spent half my day at the gym could barely pay my rent, and wasnt tending to my studies..I decided to give up that crap, finish college, start my own company and became a success..By 32, I was married, settled and financially stable..All that old stuff was a distant memory...

 

SD...If you dont want to listen to me because I am an arrogant douchebag, fine...At least listen to this guy....I cant speak for him, hut i never had any trouble attracting women...Fish in a barrel...And thats your point, right?

 

PS...As for the earlier comment about advice from women..Just be careful...Im not saying this is so of any of the women commenting on this thread, but women are notorious for giving bad advice in these areas to some guys...How? Well they'll tell you stuff like "be a nice guy" and "I dont know why you cant find a girlfriend-you are so sweet"...While they wouldnt touch you with a ten foot pole......

 

Measure twice and cut once...

 

TFY

[ThaWholigan]

I promised myself I wouldn't post in another SD "Help me" thread again ........

 

TFY, Normal Person, Imajerk - I appreciate what you guys are saying but honestly, we've been down this road already. We've done the tough love thing, I certainly know I have myself. It never goes anywhere. At this point, nobody gives a f*ck if SD goes to ComicCon - let's just see how it works out for him.

 

We have ComicCon over here in London. I don't go to them nor do I play video games anymore, but I do know people who attend. And there are probably almost as much women there as there are men.

 

I don't think it would work for SD personally unless he builds up a neat little social network - doesn't have to be big. It would also help if he had some other interests outside of what he's currently into as that should help to broaden his horizon.

 

Anyway, hopefully this is the last f&cking time.

[sweetjasmine]

Something tells me guys way outnumber women at these things too so somedude81's chances of meeting a girl to date there might not be so great....just saying

 

The only info I can find is from San Diego's 2012 comicon, and apparently over 40% of attendees were female. And the trend has been for more women to participate in these things, so I wouldn't be surprised if the NYC and San Diego conventions are close to 50-50. I have some female friends who have gone to these things, and one of my female coworkers tries to go every year. She doesn't dress up but she likes meeting people and going to the panels. It's a good place to meet like-minded people, but as always, if you don't know how to connect with others and strike up conversations with strangers, it's not going to help you meet people.

[topaMAXX]

Ahhh man! Comic Con sounds like a blast!

 

Unfortunately, it's already sold out. SD, send me a pm if you want to try to go next year. It'll likely be my last year in California and I think this will be a good time (I'll probably go alone anyway if you don't hit me up haha!).

[somedude81]

Ahhh man! Comic Con sounds like a blast!

 

Unfortunately, it's already sold out. SD, send me a pm if you want to try to go next year. It'll likely be my last year in California and I think this will be a good time (I'll probably go alone anyway if you don't hit me up haha!).

 

Already sold out? Bah. And I can't make AnimeExpo this year either.

 

Yeah it might be cool to meet up. Though for what?