Best way to take care of me?

[AmyBamy]

Many of you read my story here so I won't go through it again. The wife was picked up today and put in jail but will be bailing out tomorrow supposedly. So far I haven't heard another word from her which is obviously a good thing.

 

I did talk to exMM again today. We texted a little back and forth too. I can see that this would be so easy to slide right back into with him and I know that many cautioned me not to do that.

 

What is your advice on how not to let that happen yet still be able to be there for him? We just casually chatted today about different little things and he only talked about her once which was to tell me that she was getting picked up on the warrant. Other than that we just made some small talk really. And he did say that the divorce is going to go through now as her custody is not an option now and that was the hold up. His attorney thinks it will be final by mid June.

 

So, how to I protect myself here? Not only from her but what are some ideas that you guys have to help me keep it really casual right now? I don't want to go right back into it because he and I still have a lot to discuss before that takes place if it even does.

 

Those of you who have been through the divorce process with your AP how was it? What are some things that you learned that would have been useful during that process to help you through it? I don't know if he and I will date again but I'm not ruling it out.

 

Thanks!

[jwi71]

Many of you read my story here so I won't go through it again. The wife was picked up today and put in jail but will be bailing out tomorrow supposedly. So far I haven't heard another word from her which is obviously a good thing.

 

Hopefully her lawyer told her to NEVER contact you again - it won't last I can promise.

 

I did talk to exMM again today. We texted a little back and forth too. I can see that this would be so easy to slide right back into with him and I know that many cautioned me not to do that.

 

Might as well jump in Amy - it's what you want. I'm not attacking or being snide here - just a statement of fact. You have said repeatedly that you would entertain the idea - and really, isn't anything to talk about with him UNLESS you were both cautiously feeling your way towards dating.

 

Just go for it already. Go out on a date - as everyone already knows he was (technically still is) having an A - no harm to be done. It'll be a drama fueled mess but there is no stopping this - TRY and go slow, try and avoid the xW, try and avoid "being mom".

 

(I'd RUN the other way - but, as I said, you want him)

 

What is your advice on how not to let that happen yet still be able to be there for him?

 

Ok, you asked.

 

I do NOT believe that two AP's can so soon be "just friends". Give it a decade or so - serious, ten years - even then there are OW here who, after 20-30 years met back up with exAP - and...you guessed it, they are posting here because they are right back in it.

 

I cannot ascertain if this is an exit A - if so, then you MAYBE have a chance. Otherwise, unless he understands HIS role in the M - he'll just repeat the same "stuff" with you.

 

Its NEVER just one person's fault.

Ok, almost NEVER - maybe 1 in a ten million.

 

We just casually chatted today about different little things and he only talked about her once which was to tell me that she was getting picked up on the warrant. Other than that we just made some small talk really. And he did say that the divorce is going to go through now as her custody is not an option now and that was the hold up. His attorney thinks it will be final by mid June.

 

Stay out of it as much as possible.

I would, all things considered, validate all the filings, motions et al - should be public record.

 

So, how to I protect myself here?

 

Don't start dating him.

Give him 365 days - then give him a call.

The term rebound comes to mind - and also the opposite, after my D, a woman held my interest for maybe a weekend. Maybe.

 

Not only from her but what are some ideas that you guys have to help me keep it really casual right now?

 

Its hard to control emotions. And, not a dig, you don't sound too good at it from what you post - snippets of your personality come through. Not bad mind you - just "you". You freely admit, and certainly in "how" you post - its clear you want him.

 

I would URGE caution. Like 365 days of - enjoy being single and adapting to life as a single dad - adjust. Re-learn life (its WAY different from being M, it was a shock to me I promise).

 

I would urge nothing more than coffee. Limit the text's and calls - create space, don't flood in to fill it.

 

I don't want to go right back into it because he and I still have a lot to discuss before that takes place if it even does.

 

I know you are aware of it - I'm just suspicious of you actually DOING it.

Look, I'm on a diet. But dammit, my work hands out free sodas - I swear just to f_ck with me. I AVOID the break room.

 

Those of you who have been through the divorce process with your AP how was it?

 

Most will say its hard - I can't speak to it directly though...although, I CAN give insight into what a D man MIGHT think...

 

What are some things that you learned that would have been useful during that process to help you through it?

 

As a man who got D with two kids with joint 50-50 custody : its ROUGH.

I was tired, flustered, lost initially (whats a braid? - are they at home depot?), scared, angry, emotional wreck. I loved, then hated, then loved women. Depended on the day really. Desperately wanted, then did not, to be in a R.

 

But I am not him. No one knows how will react, not even him, until the D is final and his life, the kid's lives, his xW life - find a new normal. And its a process. It can be long.

 

Having said that, there are stories, few, where the AP's more or less seamlessly transitioned into dating and M. Please note, these ARE outliers - that is not a typical - but not impossible happening.

 

I don't know if he and I will date again but I'm not ruling it out.

 

My money is on you will - heck, you are already testing the waters.

I'd give him space - a year. Let them sort it all out.

 

No, I don't believe you wait 3 weeks.

 

Good luck!

[amaysngrace]

Just go slow. If he wants to see you tell him it will be best to wait until the divorce is finalized for both of you because it's true.

 

It will buy you some time to make up your mind.

 

I'm just glad she will finally leave you alone now but if he has the kids full-time are you sure you'd be okay with that?

 

You have a lot to think about.

[Hope Shimmers]

I agree that it seems clear that you want to start seeing him again.

 

I don't think it's your job to be his support system - or even in your best interest to do so. You can indicate that you are supportive of him but tell him that the best thing is that he get through this drama-filled nightmare of a divorce for the sake of his kids.

 

In all honesty, I think if you dive back in now, your chances of being with him long-term are less than if you wait to see him in a dating sense - or even a casual friendship sense - until after the D.

[movingon45]

I'm sorry, but why is she going to jail?

[beach]

You've opened the door the past few days. You've admitted you want to date him.

 

I wouldn't suggest it to be your best option but no matter what anyone has suggested - you defend him and are hell bent on continuing the communication with him.

 

You may get him - but beware, it's a rough ride no matter how he feels about you or her.

 

My best suggestion - give him a full year to learn how to do this on his own. He will have loads of adjustments.

 

Then see if it may still be a good idea for you.

[Owl]

 

What is your advice on how not to let that happen yet still be able to be there for him?

 

You can't.

 

If you want to protect yourself, you remove BOTH of them from your life. Completely, totally, forever.

 

You cannot go back to being 'just friends'.

 

His wife will NEVER, EVER calm down and simply accept that.

 

You have a choice...either protect yourself and end any communication with him and walk away....or, resume the affair full force.

 

Which is it?

[gettingstronger]

You have to decide for you but I see your involvement as just prolonging everything-for everyone- it will make his spouse angry, it will drag you down emotionally and it will not allow his to learn to own his choices on his own-its a no win in the long run for any of you-

 

His life is messy right now- in my opinion he treated you poorly yet you have not really addressed that in any meaningful way with him- he gets the benefit of you without having to make you a priority-

 

You are a match on the gasoline that is his soon to be ex-wife- the idea of you freaks her out and keeps her in the drama rather than moving on-

 

What you really want is for her to move on and for him to man up- thats what will make this workable for you later on-

 

How to do it-not really sure-but it starts with not being there- at all-for any reason-

 

Best of luck-

[beach]

His kids may always associate you with that lady who makes Mom act crazy - they may not take to you well.

 

Keep that part in mind too.

[Summer Breeze]

DMM and I had been apart 4 years before he left his M. He'd been separated from his W and moved out of the home for about 9 months before I decided to answer his emails and then actually see him. He had been in counseling all that time and I started pretty soon after we met. It's been about a year and a half since then and we're in a good place.

 

I know it is a huge temptation to jump in and make it what you always dreamed it would be. Be careful though because everything changes. You really need to prepare for the worst and make sure you're ready when it comes along because it probably will. His kids will still be his priority and because of them there are times when his W will be too. Be prepared because that can really hurt.

 

Be prepared. Good luck.

[cocorico]

Those of you who have been through the divorce process with your AP how was it? What are some things that you learned that would have been useful during that process to help you through it? I don't know if he and I will date again but I'm not ruling it out.

 

Thanks!

 

The D process was long and complicated, in our case - it took about a year, with the BW acting up and trying all sorts of crazy stunts throughout, but he had a good lawyer who gave him sound advice and prevented him from giving in to some of her ludicrous demands. As it was, he was more than generous, more than his lawyer advised, but not stupidly so. Her lawyer was also very sensible and managed to prevent her making too big a fool of herself, but it took a great deal of time and effort. Suspect your xMM's S2BXW will also try to find any way of delaying the inevitable, just to be a dog in a manger.

 

One of the things that was useful to me was knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent. Unlike many advise on here, we continued our R during the D - he was my best friend, after all, and I'm not one to walk out on friends going through rough patches, when they need heir friends! And, since we were living together and planned to M as soon as the D was finalised, I was clearly an interested party, so I was not going to pretend that the D did not involve me at all. So, I had opinions and I shared the ones that were relevant - for example, ones that would affect custody arrangements for the kids, living standards, etc, and any kind of financial settlement that might result in them having any kind of financial ties beyond the D. As things stood, he could have gotten a payout from her and ongoing child support, but by stipulating that custody should be shared equally and turning down his right to a payout from her, and buying out her share of the house, effectively they never ever needed to have anything to do with each other ever again - which was by far the best outcome.

 

I don't know how old your xMM's kids are, or what the financial situation there would entail, but if possible, the cleanest cut is the best. Hopefully his lawyer will help him with that.

 

As you are unsure what your R might be in the future - friends, lovers, partners, none of the above - I'd treat his D as you would the D of any of your other friends. Be there if he wants to talk, and give him space to vent, but don't interfere unless you think he may be making a huge mistake that he'd regret in the future - in which case, point that out to him, explain why, but leave it up to him to make the call. I know my H oscillated between wanting to be overly generous to the BW to absolve his guilt, and hating her virulently and wanting to punish her for the decades of horror, and pointing out to him at such times that he would regret it later if that were to become the settlement did help him to retain perspective. Many years later, he's happy that the D settlement was fair if generous, and I think that's the best you can hope for.

 

As for protecting yourself - I'd suggest you draw up ground rules about what you will and won't discuss. Him venting, or wanting support for his D, is one thing; him drawing you in with speculation about the future is another. If you want to discuss a future with him, you should do so when you're both in a space to act on that - his D is finalised, and your lingering issues about his initial deceit have been resolved to your satisfaction.

[Speakingofwhich]

Amybamy, imo if you begin to date him again one of two things will happen.

 

Either you will soon be in a full-blown relationship together (most likely) or you will end up exerting a great amount of emotional energy and over thinking trying to keep the relationship lukewarm.

 

It seems to me the latter could get confusing and really mess things up. And the former comes with its own set of problems.

 

In your place I wouldn't be concerned about how the XW will affect your relationship. No doubt she'll be dramatic and difficult to deal with but if you really connect with this man and respect him then I believe his baggage (her) will be worth it.

 

My XH was every bit as dramatic as this woman has been and he ended up estranged from his children for most of their lives so far. This though he had a strong R with them when we were M.

 

It doesn't always follow that children will remain involved with a parent who is acting out, especially publicly, and there are times when they do, indeed, cut ties with crazy. It happened for us without any of my influence at all. And in your situation it seems to be developing that way already.

 

Give her/him enough rope.........

 

Update on my situation is that my children and are now grown and their dad has recently reconciled with them after MANY years. He missed a portion of their childhood and all of their teenage years basically.

 

Thankfully, he is towing the line and not causing any drama at all for us. I share this because, although all situations are different, it's not out of the realm of possibility that this will happen in your case, too.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Ailsa1983]

After all the trouble this man has caused you still want to "maybe give" it a chance ? I know you probably don't mean to sound selfish and centred but it comes across like that.

 

You also never answered my previous questions regarding how you never knew he was married when you live in the same area and have been visiting the mechanics next to his business run by himself and wife for years ?

 

Are u insane ? And this is coming from a previous ow who had lots of drama after d-day. First he lies about being married, then he starts divorcing his wife for whatever reasons and then he's quite happy to see her put to jail instead of helping her ? And after all this seeing how upset and unhinged his wife becomes over his A he still goes after you ? This is cruel really really cruel no wonder she is going off her head. Have a look at the infidelity section and see a bs post right now about how much she hates the ow and her kids father by her husband .... This is what HE did, sometimes I really worry for us women and how hoodwinked we really are.

 

Maybe I'm being a little more forward as I've lived through this before and trust me it doesn't end well for you.

[carhill]

What is your advice on how not to let that happen yet still be able to be there for him?

 

My advice as a fOM and fMM would be to hold on loosely and focus interaction on the two of you and your interests and futures and refrain from becoming embroiled in the minutiae of his STBX's 'stuff'.

 

If she comes after you again, simply enforce the RO. Since you're CCW, simply dial 911, identify yourself and you'll be an immediate high priority call. Then move on.

 

That's my .02.

[AmyBamy]

Thank you all for the responses. ExMMs wife bailed out and we have a court date for the violation of restraining orders. Not sure what happens then I have to talk to my attorney about it. ExMM decided to not press charges on her for trying to access his account at the bank that is only in his name. The bank simply told her she couldn't take money from an account her name wasn't on even though they aren't legally divorced yet.

 

I have been limiting my contact with him. He wants a lot more contact but is being very understanding of me wanting to take it slow and keep it casual for now. His kids asked about me and he told them and thankfully they aren't angry with me or him at all. I think that since they are older they get it.

 

ExMM stopped by unannounced and I asked him not to do that in the future. I was working on some things in the yard and he saw me out and stopped. I did speak to him very briefly to ask him to ask if he can come by before stopping by. I want to be prepared for anything even though all has been very quiet on his and my end from the soon to be ex wife.

 

I am hopeful that their divorce will be finalized this coming month and everyone can move on. I am also hopeful that the legal ramifications of her actions will help the ex wife sort herself out and manage her emotions and behaviors. Hopefully she and I will only see each othe rin court and that will be the end of she and I. Even if I end up dating exMM I do not plan on having any interactions with her at all. The children are old enough that there won't need to be much if any and she and I certainly don't need to be friends.

 

I am still dating other people. ExMM seems to understand this too even if he isn't really keen on it. I still have no idea how this will all end, but I'm happy with the arrangement now and for now. It should give us both time to sort ourselves and if we do date we can start out fresh. Thanks again!

[Ailsa1983]

What exactly are the age of children ? They must be still young if they were in the backseat and crying when you had your confrontation. I do not believe for once second that they will be as accepting as you are making out, right now they may be with all the drama going on but when they see mommy crying at night they will take her side.

 

I can't help feel sorry for this bs and our stories are actually quite similar. After d-day I stayed out their way by any cost and here you are quite blatantly rubbing it in her face by engaging with her soon to be xH, he really really seems like a cold-hearted sob, instead of trying to help his wife he's quite happy to let her go to jail, face losing her children and her dignity all because you 2 can't just stay away from each other until D is finalised.

[beach]

You opened the door and now he's just dropping by.

 

Instead of "asking" - I think you're going to need to make demands.

 

That is - unless you secretly like his drama.

 

Tell us about these other guys you're currently dating...surely one of them must have less drama than this separated dude...?

[stillafool]

The MM was the one who lied to you and put you in this position as well as his wife. Yet it was easy for you to forgive him and I'd like to know why you couldn't forgive her, understand what you two have done to her and not have her put in jail. I'm not a BS or a WS just a person who believes in right and wrong. This is wrong on so many levels.

[AmyBamy]

What exactly are the age of children ? They must be still young if they were in the backseat and crying when you had your confrontation. I do not believe for once second that they will be as accepting as you are making out, right now they may be with all the drama going on but when they see mommy crying at night they will take her side.

 

I can't help feel sorry for this bs and our stories are actually quite similar. After d-day I stayed out their way by any cost and here you are quite blatantly rubbing it in her face by engaging with her soon to be xH, he really really seems like a cold-hearted sob, instead of trying to help his wife he's quite happy to let her go to jail, face losing her children and her dignity all because you 2 can't just stay away from each other until D is finalised.

 

His youngest one is 15. He told them that he and I had been dating and they were fine with it. They don't know all the ins and outs of it all but I'm sure that they have figured most of it out. He isn't trying to drag them into his adult matters obviously.

 

Nobody is rubbing anything in her face. They ARE legally separated and that is as good as divorced. They were in a holding pattern but since her recent behaviors that is over and the divorce will be finalized. Just because she is clinging to that legality doesn't mean it is anything more than just that, a red tape legality. He was NOT happy that she landed herself in jail. But she is an adult and he can't make her make good decisions she has to choose that herself.

 

We can stay away from each other but see no reason to do so. They are legally separated and on their way to a divorce and have been for the better part of a year now. Her inability to handle herself does not dictate that the entire world must walk on eggshells around her. She has had plenty of time to get herself together and it's nobody's fault but her own that she chooses not to.

[AmyBamy]

You opened the door and now he's just dropping by.

 

Instead of "asking" - I think you're going to need to make demands.

 

That is - unless you secretly like his drama.

 

Tell us about these other guys you're currently dating...surely one of them must have less drama than this separated dude...?

 

He is respectful of my wishes so I don't need to make demands. He just saw me out and thought he would stop. Nothing more.

 

I have been on dates with a couple of other guys and believe it or not they all have baggage. Many of them have baggage that includes an ex wife with whom they have children. At my age it's going to be pretty difficult to find anyone to date that doesn't have some kind of history with someone.

[AmyBamy]

The MM was the one who lied to you and put you in this position as well as his wife. Yet it was easy for you to forgive him and I'd like to know why you couldn't forgive her, understand what you two have done to her and not have her put in jail. I'm not a BS or a WS just a person who believes in right and wrong. This is wrong on so many levels.

 

I can't forgive her because she keeps making the same mistakes. I forgive him because he made one mistake and is now not making the same mistake over and over again. At some point someone saying they are sorry or asking for forgiveness stops being effective when they cannot or will not stop making that damn mistake.

 

We haven't done anything TO her. He did something to her and that is on him. However, nobody "put her in jail" except for the police and her actions. We do not have that kind of power, sorry. If she doesn't break the law she doesn't go to jail. If she can't figure that out then I don't know what to tell her.

 

There is nothing wrong with what we are doing now. There was something wrong with what he did to her almost a year ago. She has to handle that and he has to live with it. Many people handle this without acting the way she has or landing themselves in jail. I'm sorry that she cannot handle it but life is tough and sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and deal with a ****ty hand that's been dealt to you. She is not the only person in the world who has been hurt or angry or lied to and the sooner she stops acting like she is the better her life will be.

[beach]

He is respectful of my wishes so I don't need to make demands. He just saw me out and thought he would stop. Nothing more.

 

I have been on dates with a couple of other guys and believe it or not they all have baggage. Many of them have baggage that includes an ex wife with whom they have children. At my age it's going to be pretty difficult to find anyone to date that doesn't have some kind of history with someone.

 

The agreement was that he wouldn't see you until his D was final. Yet he just "stopped by". Same as disrespecting you when he "just saw you" at the car place.

 

You seems to make a LOT of "exceptions" for this guys disrespect for you.

 

So he did disrespect your wishes and didn't honor your agreement.

 

I see you making a LOT of assumptions - and a TON of excuses for your guy.

 

He doesn't keep his word. Yet you keep stating things about THEIR life and future like it's YOURS.

 

I got news for you - YOU may not know the FULL story the way you THINK YOU DO.

 

He's obviously not a man of his word and breaks his promises.

 

My best advice is to admit to YOURSELF that this guy is very flawed - and quit sticking up for his douchebag behaviors.

 

 

You'd be better off seeing the single guys more (if there really is any others).

 

I think the best way to take care of you is getting rid of the cause of the drama. Him - her - all at once.

 

You dated him a few MONTHS - and it was based on his lies.

 

A FRESH start with someone new would eliminate all this negative energy that surrounds him/you/her/their kids.

 

Make a clean break - that's how to take care of you. And if/when he comes close tell him to stay away.

Edited May 30, 2014 by beach

[AmyBamy]

The agreement was that he wouldn't see you until his D was final. Yet he just "stopped by". Same as disrespecting you when he "just saw you" at the car place. There was never any agreement that he wouldn't see me until his divorce was final, I'm not sure where you got that. Her issue is that they had agreed not to divorce until all the children were 18 and out of the house, he was not able to keep that agreement.

 

You seems to make a LOT of "exceptions" for this guys disrespect for you. I'm not sure how he is disrespecting me and I don't make any exceptions for him. The only thing I'm doing that I can see why anyone would disagree is forgiving him for not telling me he was married when we first started dating. I forgive him for that after all I have seen and observed.

 

So he did disrespect your wishes and didn't honor your agreement.

 

I see you making a LOT of assumptions - and a TON of excuses for your guy. I'm doing neither.

 

He doesn't keep his word. Yet you keep stating things about THEIR life and future like it's YOURS. I have had MORE contact with her than with him over the past almost year. I am not making any statements about their life that I haven't heard from him or her, mostly her.

 

I got news for you - YOU may not know the FULL story the way you THINK YOU DO. Really? Because I figure that her telling me all of her business is a pretty good inside look into her actions and motives and relationship with him. He has told me very little and everything else if public knowledge or first hand knowledge on my part from my dealings with HER.

 

He's obviously not a man of his word and breaks his promises. He broke one promise to her. To not divorce until the youngest was out of the house. That doesn't make him a guy who breaks his promises it makes him a guy who broke one promise. BIG difference. He hasn't broken any promises to me ever.

 

My best advice is to admit to YOURSELF that this guy is very flawed - and quit sticking up for his douchebag behaviors. Now who is assuming to know a lot about a situation that they don't know about?

 

 

You'd be better off seeing the single guys more (if there really is any others). No, I'm making it all up, lol.

 

I think the best way to take care of you is getting rid of the cause of the drama. Him - her - all at once.

 

You dated him a few MONTHS - and it was based on his lies. Our dating wasn't based on lies - his status was not what he said it was. Everything that happened between he and I was real and honest even though that apparently upsets you or threatens you.

 

A FRESH start with someone new would eliminate all this negative energy that surrounds him/you/her/their kids.

 

Make a clean break - that's how to take care of you. And if/when he comes close tell him to stay away.

 

I appreciate your ability to deem him unworthy of me from a few posts on an online forum. You really do know a lot about how he thinks and feels and what his motives are. Which is pretty interesting considering I know him intimately and wouldn't assume to know as much as you think you do about him.

 

I appreciate your input but I can't take it really seriously when you have so many incorrect assumptions. Thank you for taking the time to respond though.