Dealing with sexual past

[BearMox]

I agree, my situation is not the same as the OP's -- my wife's past experience level is comparable to mine -- but it's generated the same kind of feelings.

 

Maybe this sort of stuff is rooted in insecurities generally and has nothing to do with the past and how we judge it. Thanks for sharing!

[ralph.stegner]

Maybe this sort of stuff is rooted in insecurities generally and has nothing to do with the past and how we judge it. Thanks for sharing!

 

 

Yes, I could buy that idea. The sexual past maybe was just the trigger for a lot of insecurity that was already there.

 

 

 

 

I said earlier that I didn't let on about my insecurity to my wife, but I think she is figuring out what might be going on. She hasn't been teasing me and she has been saying things designed to make me feel better.

 

 

 

 

Kind of out of nowhere she asked if I've ever had a three-way, to which I said "obviously not" (I was wondering if she was making fun of me ) She then said "neither have I." I think to imply that we really aren't so different in our experience. She then said that she enjoys sex the most she ever has with me and referred to it as "rock star sex." This may have been laying it on a little thick. But, I appreciate her intent and will accept the compliment.

 

 

Anyway. I thank you all for your input. I feel much better than when I first posted. It's like group therapy.

[firmness]

Thanks for posting this. I separated about 3 years ago, and it was devastating. So the fleeting nature of marriage hits home for me.

 

If I were to be brutally honest, there was a time when I could have been okay with my wife having sex with someone else. I cheated on her when we were dating 20 years ago and she never let me forget it.

 

I didn't ask and didn't snoop and I trusted her. To my knowledge, she was faithful throughout most of our relationship - but it was ultimately her infidelity that ended it.

 

The problem was not that she was seeking male attention, it is that she was doing it so obviously and was sloppy about it. The whole thing about cheating is that your partner should never even know it is happening! I think she needed me to see it - in other words she needed revenge. And boy oh boy did she get it! I will never be the same and I can never ever trust again the way I trusted her.

 

I am not advocating for cheating, but how many more millions of stories about cheating do we have to hear until we stop judging it like children and start dealing with it like adults. Religion has poisoned this whole thing and keeps us in the dark ages, but that is another discussion.

 

I would rather have a lifelong faithful relationship - but this is increasingly difficult. Women have pretty much abandoned the moral high ground on this and have jumped right into the fray with the worst of men who have no problem cheating.

 

It seems that fidelity is very very difficult to all but the most amazing and virtuous among us - or those with the fewest opportunities. And even then I tend to cast a doubtful gaze at those who spout piousness too loudly and profess honor and commitment publicly - especially if they judge others. Those are usually the MOST suspect (projection and all).

 

The harsh lessons I have learned and the thing I resent my parents and society for the most is this simple set of harsh cold facts - as a man, I am disposable. I can lose my limbs in war, get black lung in a coal mine or slave my life away hauling other people's trash and no one will cares. (how many men who died in WWII can you name?)

 

The more I devote myself to others, the more they will take. The more dedicated I am to my wife and family, the more my wife will resent me for it. This is true to the tune of millions upon millions of men throughout the ages.

 

What to do about this is up to each of us, but the less I seek permanence, the happier I am. The less I expect my woman to be clear about what she wants, the less I worry about outcomes. And the more I come to realize that I am just a stepping stone on someone else's path to her better self, the more I can focus on doing the same.

 

Men should take this as a gift from Feminists. It is truly liberating and it speaks to the obsolescence of marriage.

Edited May 31, 2014 by firmness
Grammar and clarity and a few more points

[BearMox]

I will never be the same and I can never ever trust again the way I trusted her.

 

Do you feel thats a choice you are making or the result of your circumstances?

 

I have similar problems trusting due to a similar experience. I believe I can get to a place of ultimate trust, but if I'm honest its been a slow process.

[firmness]

Do you feel thats a choice you are making or the result of your circumstances?

 

I have similar problems trusting due to a similar experience. I believe I can get to a place of ultimate trust, but if I'm honest its been a slow process.

 

I wish that trust were simply a matter of choice. To me it is like respect - it has to be earned. I do not respect someone unless I have a reason to...but everyone gets a base level of human respect from me from the start.

 

Same with love. You get a base amount of trust and either add to that or take away.

 

So far the new woman I am dating is at neutral with me. She is a bit shady at times, but great other times. The inconsistencies are more obvious to me now - but I am trying to be careful not to look for a problem where there is none.

[Spectre]

For me..I would have a lot of hesitation marrying this woman. Her having a bunch of ONS's in the past doesn't seem like a good sign.

 

It also sounds like she said she has banged her co workers in the past from her comment about the office party. Does she still work? Have she hooked up with any of her co workers in the past?

 

I mean, I know a lot of people will say "past is the past" but..I don't know, I wouldn't want a woman who essentially was okay with screwing a bunch of strangers.

[alwayshere]

For me..I would have a lot of hesitation marrying this woman. Her having a bunch of ONS's in the past doesn't seem like a good sign.

 

It also sounds like she said she has banged her co workers in the past from her comment about the office party. Does she still work? Have she hooked up with any of her co workers in the past?

 

I mean, I know a lot of people will say "past is the past" but..I don't know, I wouldn't want a woman who essentially was okay with screwing a bunch of strangers.

 

I can agree with that. I wouldn't want a man like that....which I assume is also understandable, correct?

[ralph.stegner]

For me..I would have a lot of hesitation marrying this woman. Her having a bunch of ONS's in the past doesn't seem like a good sign.

 

It also sounds like she said she has banged her co workers in the past from her comment about the office party. Does she still work? Have she hooked up with any of her co workers in the past?

 

I mean, I know a lot of people will say "past is the past" but..I don't know, I wouldn't want a woman who essentially was okay with screwing a bunch of strangers.

 

 

I never considered her past as a sign that she would sleep around on me. I have no suspicions of it. If I did, I wouldn't have sat around whining, I would have gotten out of the relationship.

 

 

If she had a history of cheating in relationships, which I have heard no indication of, I would agree that was a worrisome sign. However, I don't think that she has.

 

 

I'm not worried about it. I don't think she will. If she does, I'm out. That is relatively black and white to me compared to my current situation.