First Date Since A...

[PachucaSunrise]

So, I finally did it. I FINALLY accepted a date after politely rejecting a number of guys for a couple of months now... I hope that doesn't sound snobby, but seriously, I don't think I've been asked out this much in my ENTIRE life! It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "RECOVERING MISTRESS - Not Exactly Ready to Date." Just to be sure, I'm saying that with a ton of sarcasm. A TON.

 

Well, I met this guy about a year and a half ago. We totally hit it off, and then things just kind of fizzled out. We kept in touch off and on throughout the year, but nothing more than that. Recently, right out of the blue, he made it a point to contact me on a fairly regular basis. He's been wanting to meet up for a little while now, but I kept putting him off, making all sorts of excuses why I wasn't available, simply because I knew I just wasn't ready. He's such an awesome guy. The last thing I'd want to do is hurt him in any way - I've had my fair share of that throughout my whirlwind of an A - so I'm being super careful in that respect.

 

Now, before my A, hearing from this guy again, completely out of the blue like I did... Well, let's just say I would have been over the moon. I was kind of excited when I first heard from him, but I've been so wrapped up in my 'recovery', that excited feeling very quickly took a backseat. Still, I did my best to keep an open mind.

 

We had a really nice time. Great conversation, and we picked up right where we left off a year and a half ago. I paid close attention to my thoughts while in his company - to give him my full attention - and for a while there I was truly in the moment.

 

The one thing I always wanted to do was kiss him, and it happened. And at that moment, everything immediately changed. It could have been so amazing, but X (soon-to-be-D) MM IMMEDIATELY popped into my mind. And from that moment on, I compared everything the new guy said and did to XMM. Instead of coming home happy and giddy, I came home sad and missing XMM like I never have before. It's been two days, and I honestly feel like I've taken two steps back.

 

I haven't had any contact with XMM in about a month now. There wasn't any kind of NC agreement or anything like that. The last time he contacted me I was completely thrown off guard and rather bitter. I did later apologize, but that was pretty much it. Since then I've seen him all over the dating sites, appearing as though he's having the time of his life with the new-found freedom he'll soon have with his D.

 

This first date experience has truly shown me that I'm not at all over my situation. It's still extremely raw. I know it's quite typical, but one thing XMM and I always promised each other was that regardless of how messy our situation became, what we shared was indeed the real deal, and that whatever happened, we should always remember it in that way. He was not a cake eater; he was honestly a good guy caught between a rock and a hard place. His M was in shambles before we ever even met, which definitely doesn't excuse my role in the A, but it does reinforce the fact that he was in a vulnerable spot, as was I (coming fresh out of so-so relationship) - the perfect scenario for anything and everything to flourish.

 

It's pretty safe to say that nothing will develop with this new guy, and quite frankly, although it's slightly disappointing, it doesn't bother me all that much. What bothers me more is that I don't feel as though I'll ever meet someone who I'll hit it off with, so spot-on, like I did with XMM. Our time was definitely short and fleeting, but I've honestly never had anything that could possibly ever match what I had with him. We really did become best friends - we burped and passed gas in front of each other (gross, I know)... We bickered and nagged on each other... Cried and whined... We completely let our guards down, fully knowing and fearing that either of us could be seriously hurt at any given time, but totally handing over our trust to one another... And being that we both had experienced some pretty crappy relationships in the past, we made sure that our communication was paramount... And it was effortless... And the most important thing about our relationship is that we both hated it - not the fact that we truly fell in love - but that it was forbidden. There was nothing about our A that we found fun or exciting; it was awful! His W did cheat on him a few years prior, but I know I was not used as a tool for revenge - he had plenty of chances to do that before he met me but never took them.

 

But we had NO IDEA the mess we had gotten ourselves into. We handled everything so carelessly, but we never experienced anything remotely like what we went through - we were totally clueless! Even though we made some very poor choices, we did the best we knew how. Everything backfired on the both of us in different ways, and the rest is history.

 

Now he's in the process of D, experiencing freedom for the first time in over a decade, and in a spot completely on the other end of the spectrum from me. I'm a late bloomer, but FINALLY ready to settle down and share my life with someone, and he's just not (regardless of his online dating portrayals). I know there's a good reason for this, but if I only knew why I think I'd have an easier time trying to move on.

 

Sorry for the tangent, but after rereading through my post, I think I've more or less answered my own questions... I'm just not over him and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I thought (and hoped) that by finally going out with someone somewhat new, who I was previously very excited about, I would see that there was still some hope in finding such a profound connection with another person, but all it did was set me back. And now I'm terrified that I'm going to be stuck here forever - afraid to take a chance on anyone new in fear of hurting them, and being paralyzed to even do so because I can't seem to get over this tremendous void in my life. Sometimes I miss him so much that I almost wish I never even met him (Kind of like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)??

 

It's just been a rough day. I really needed to get that out, so I'm incredibly appreciative that I'm able to do so here. A HUGE thank you to anyone who happens to stumble across this thread with any words of wisdom or encouragement - I definitely need it.

[Speakingofwhich]

PachucaSunrise, I stumbled (as you wrote) across your post just now before hitting the sack here.

 

I'm so glad you wrote your feelings out. It helps so much to process and categorize them.

 

I wanted to write a good response to you but I'm falling asleep as I type. I hope to respond tomorrow. Just wanted you to at least have a blip of a response.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks for writing this. I'm falling asleep too, and will write more later, but had to tell you that I can completely understand. It's the reason I stopped dating too. It just made it worse and reminded me of him. I thought I was ready too.

 

I don't know when it gets better.

[A.Moscote]

...What bothers me more is that I don't feel as though I'll ever meet someone who I'll hit it off with, so spot-on, like I did with XMM.

 

It's not impossible for you to recreate the same level of relationship that you have had with your xMM, or to meet someone who can be so in tune with you just like him. However if "immediate spot-on hit it off" is what you are expecting, then you are just making it difficult for yourself. Of course you can pray for that chance again, but think of how hard it is to make someone suddenly becomes your xMM, much more replicating the exact situation and elements that have pushed and mold the two of you together.

 

Instead, try to nurture the same level of openness and commitment when starting a new relationship. That way, perhaps your new guy can gradually conform to your style (and you to him) and its even okay to demand on specific thing from each other. Hopefully over time, you can enjoy a relationship as much as you have experience before.. oh and can once again pass anything in front of your guy.

 

Honestly, from your first thread, it seems to me your ability to accept, sympathize, and conform to xMM was the major factor in nourishing that relationship. That's your quality, hopefully someone right will cherish that once again.

 

Anyway, congratulations on your progress so far. Be patient and keep on moving forward. Take your time wisely, good luck.

[PachucaSunrise]

SOW and Hope - thank you kindly for taking the time out to write so late at night - it was definitely comforting to read right before bed. Greatly appreciated! Thank you.

 

It's not impossible for you to recreate the same level of relationship that you have had with your xMM, or to meet someone who can be so in tune with you just like him. However if "immediate spot-on hit it off" is what you are expecting, then you are just making it difficult for yourself. Of course you can pray for that chance again, but think of how hard it is to make someone suddenly becomes your xMM, much more replicating the exact situation and elements that have pushed and mold the two of you together.

 

Oh, I'm certainly not expecting any kind of IMMEDIATE spot-on connection right off the bat, although that would definitely be nice! I'll admit that I'm a total dreamer, but I also try my best to keep at least one foot on the ground, haha. But wow, there's certainly a lot of truth in what you wrote. It's just that our connection was so open and effortless. All we had was communication - we never held anything back from one another and were so damn good at it! I've never experienced anything quite like that before. But yet again, when you've never been in the throws of an A, EVERYTHING appears unique... I guess that's just another typical A factor. Makes sense.

 

Instead, try to nurture the same level of openness and commitment when starting a new relationship. That way, perhaps your new guy can gradually conform to your style (and you to him) and its even okay to demand on specific thing from each other. Hopefully over time, you can enjoy a relationship as much as you have experience before.. oh and can once again pass anything in front of your guy.

 

HAHAHAAA! Oh, did I need this! I read through that again and was like, "OMG, did I actually just write that?!" But in all seriousness, open and committed relationships don't just fall out of the clear blue sky - they're work! I totally agree with you... Anything is possible. Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

Honestly, from your first thread, it seems to me your ability to accept, sympathize, and conform to xMM was the major factor in nourishing that relationship. That's your quality, hopefully someone right will cherish that once again.

 

THIS! I think this is precisely what I needed to hear whether I wanted to or not. I'm so passive and accepting of others that I'm VERY easily taken advantage of. Certainly not saying I was in this particular situation, but I definitely did my fair share of bending when it came to XMM. I allowed him to take the lead and put his feelings before mine countless times. I recall him asking me many, many times... "But what about you? How do YOU feel?" Wow, A.M., I've never thought about it from this sort of perspective. Very insightful of you. Thank you for pointing it out. Even for future relationships of all kinds - the effort should always be 50/50.

 

Anyway, congratulations on your progress so far. Be patient and keep on moving forward. Take your time wisely, good luck.

 

Thank you so very much. I'm very appreciative of your candid and thoughtful response. I needed to hear it.

[C00kie]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

 

You know, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kiss someone else, to sleep someone else - would xMM come to mind? I think about that sometimes.

 

I think things will work out for you, but as you said, everything is still raw. From what I understand, you have been in NC for a month - I'm not sure when you broke up, but it all sounds very recent to me. It takes months (sometimes year(s) ) for us to get completely over these toxic relationships. It depends on the circumstances and it also depends on us - we're not all the same, some of us may find it easier to gather the strenght to move on, while some people tend to be more depressive and take a little more time.

 

Just take your time and don't feel pressured to love someone else. I think at this stage it's inevitable that xMM pops up in your mind - and you feel noone can ever compare. But there will come a time when you'll realise that noone can really compare, because after all you're getting so much more than you got from him. You'll be able to walk hand in hand in the middle of the crowd, you'll be able to call him anytime, and you'll appreciate it more than you can imagine.

 

I broke up with him 3 months ago. I'm still not over it completely. But I'm bettet than last month. And last month I was better than the month before. It is a rollercoaster, and sometimes moods are unpredictable and change for no apparent reason, but it's part of the process. You will move on, trust me. Once you stop making him the center of your world, everything will look different. But it takes time.

 

Try to focus on yourself, do things that bring you a sense of pleasure and fullfilment. Running, walking, reading - get your life back. Feed the good things about yourself so that the bad part does not take over. Everything will become clearer.

 

Wish you the best!

[still_an_Angel]

Hang in there Pachuca, someone will come into your life when you least expect it and I hope this time round, you will find the other pea to complete your pod. It may be too early to date now because everything is still fresh, your thoughts are still on "what could have been". But thoughts like these, like everything else in our lives, will soon pass and you will wake up one day to realize that you are indeed over him. Till then, keep that chin up girl!

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I can relate to all that you said. I agree with everything everyone else said. Give yourself time. Go through grieving. Maybe date guy wasn't the one, but the fact that you tried is a great first step. You will get over this and with enough time, you eventually be able to reflect on all of this with much less pain.

[gettingstronger]

I went from yeah, to boo while reading your post. You seem like a person in pain but you do not seem bitter so I think you are well on your way to healing. I know for me, my husbands A colored my interactions with people for quite a while- I was short and snippy, I didn't trust, I felt like everyone was out to get me-then I decided I was not going to let that situation rob me of anything more than it already had-so I forced myself to be social, to let the wall down-to let people in-it takes time, but I am getting there-you will too- maybe some social situation dating in groups or activities so its more a personal interaction than a romantic one will help move you along-don't let this situation rob the world of YOU!

[P1nginLOVE]

Wow....your story in a way....resonated in me...

I feel the passion to meet a new guy and start a healthy relationship,

But...

I still sometimes remember his smile and the way we kissed...so yeah....now that I've read your experience....I'm sure it'd be crazy n stupid if I force myself to be on the look in the near future.

Thank you...

 

Hope you're recovering fast....do keep us in the loop!

Hugggggg!

[snappytomcat]

dear Pachuca

I was so cheering for you,and the man you went on a date with,and im sorry it didn't work out,but it is really soon,it takes a while to start dating after a break up,and by reading on here it seems like its harder to get over mm.the one good thing is it will get better,and you will eventually find,that special someone,and honestly I don't think youre ready for that yet.

you need to take care of number one,and I hope for better,happier days to come for you,you deserve it.

[PachucaSunrise]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

 

Thanks, Cookie.

 

You know, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kiss someone else, to sleep someone else - would xMM come to mind? I think about that sometimes.

 

Initially, that was the FIRST thing I wanted to do - but then I rationalized it - and came to the realization that doing so would only make my mess even bigger. The last thing I wanted to do was pull someone else into my drama and possibly even hurt them. I think I'd really lose my S#it if it ever came to that. But yeah, if you're still thinking about him (like in my situation), he's always going to come to mind if you're not fully ready. Another lesson learned the hard way... But at least everyone is safe and sound... NO battle wounds!

 

I think things will work out for you, but as you said, everything is still raw. From what I understand, you have been in NC for a month - I'm not sure when you broke up, but it all sounds very recent to me. It takes months (sometimes year(s) ) for us to get completely over these toxic relationships. It depends on the circumstances and it also depends on us - we're not all the same, some of us may find it easier to gather the strenght to move on, while some people tend to be more depressive and take a little more time.

 

Agreed. My situation is very recent. I want to say I'm ready, and I want to say I'm over it, but I'm just not. Every situation is different and we can't put a time table on when the time is right. I guess there will come a point when we 'just know'. But man, I can't wait for that to happen! I know you know the feeling.

 

Just take your time and don't feel pressured to love someone else. I think at this stage it's inevitable that xMM pops up in your mind - and you feel noone can ever compare. But there will come a time when you'll realise that noone can really compare, because after all you're getting so much more than you got from him. You'll be able to walk hand in hand in the middle of the crowd, you'll be able to call him anytime, and you'll appreciate it more than you can imagine.

 

This is SO IMPORTANT for me to keep in mind at all times. I couldn't agree with you more. Thank you.

 

I broke up with him 3 months ago. I'm still not over it completely. But I'm bettet than last month. And last month I was better than the month before. It is a rollercoaster, and sometimes moods are unpredictable and change for no apparent reason, but it's part of the process. You will move on, trust me. Once you stop making him the center of your world, everything will look different. But it takes time.

 

I'm SO GLAD to hear that things are getting better for you as each month passes! That's awesome. I feel a little bit of difference, too. Not much, but at least a little bit. D-Day was just about 3 months ago, but there was so much drama that came afterward... All his ups and downs... And of course I was there for him every step of the way, helping him heal instead of myself. So, for me, it's really only been a month of NC. Now that I think about it, that's not long at all.

 

I truly understand the 'roller-coaster' that you described. I've been all over the place, but I've had more good days than bad, so I'm going to keep my focus on that. Boy, I would never wish this sort of thing on my worst enemy (even though I don't think I have one, haha). It's brutal.

 

Try to focus on yourself, do things that bring you a sense of pleasure and fullfilment. Running, walking, reading - get your life back. Feed the good things about yourself so that the bad part does not take over. Everything will become clearer.

 

Wish you the best!

 

I went to the gym for the first time the other night! I spent 2 hours there and left feeling like a million bucks. I'm definitely going to keep up on that. I lost about 20 pounds during this whole ordeal due to lack of appetite, so before any weight comes back on, I'm going to make sure it comes back in the form of muscle. And for the first time in YEARS, I think I feel an AB! Yes, one WHOLE AB, haha!

 

Thank you so much, Cookie. I really appreciate your words of wisdom. And I truly hope your healing keeps on keepin' on. It's a lot of hard work, but I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for the both of us!

[PachucaSunrise]

Hang in there Pachuca, someone will come into your life when you least expect it and I hope this time round, you will find the other pea to complete your pod. It may be too early to date now because everything is still fresh, your thoughts are still on "what could have been". But thoughts like these, like everything else in our lives, will soon pass and you will wake up one day to realize that you are indeed over him. Till then, keep that chin up girl!

 

Thank you BUNCHES, Angel! I agree with you - time really is our best friend right now. Well, maybe not our best friend, but I'm sure when it finally does pass and we look back on things, we will definitely be grateful for it.

 

Chin up, head forward. Right back atcha!

[PachucaSunrise]

I went from yeah, to boo while reading your post. You seem like a person in pain but you do not seem bitter so I think you are well on your way to healing. I know for me, my husbands A colored my interactions with people for quite a while- I was short and snippy, I didn't trust, I felt like everyone was out to get me-then I decided I was not going to let that situation rob me of anything more than it already had-so I forced myself to be social, to let the wall down-to let people in-it takes time, but I am getting there-you will too- maybe some social situation dating in groups or activities so its more a personal interaction than a romantic one will help move you along-don't let this situation rob the world of YOU!

 

Yeah, reading through it today, I now realize how promising it appeared. I'm going to try and stay as positive as possible about it, though. At least I know where I stand - I'm not ready - and that's okay. I won't be in this position forever. I think that will only help me if I keep that in mind as the days pass.

 

GS - I'm so sorry you were on the other end of things. I can't even imagine. You sound like such a strong woman. You should be so proud of yourself for having the ability to turn things around and not let what happened completely destroy your soul. Can I ask you how long it's been? Are you in the process of R? If so, I really hope it's going the best as it possibly can for you. It takes a lot of courage to turn the other cheek. It also takes a lot of strength to reach out to someone like me, considering I'm on the opposite end of things. Thank you for being so gracious and open-minded to do so. I sincerely appreciate it. That speaks volumes about your character.

[PachucaSunrise]

dear Pachuca

I was so cheering for you,and the man you went on a date with,and im sorry it didn't work out,but it is really soon,it takes a while to start dating after a break up,and by reading on here it seems like its harder to get over mm.the one good thing is it will get better,and you will eventually find,that special someone,and honestly I don't think youre ready for that yet.

you need to take care of number one,and I hope for better,happier days to come for you,you deserve it.

 

I had a feeling you'd be cheering for me, STC! And knowing you were really makes me smile. Thank you.

 

You're absolutely right - I'm not at all ready to find that special someone.... YET! My day will come, but I know that patience is crucial. And honestly, just as you said, I need to take care of ME for the first time in quite a long time.

 

I think the main reason I want to get back out there so soon is because I know that XMM is. It's not a matter of competition... It's more like, how in the hell can he go through such life-altering obstacles and changes (the A and now his D), and cruise along like nothing ever happened?! I just don't get it. He's most likely putting up a really good front, but by doing that, he's not doing himself any favors. Maybe it will all catch up with him at some point, but by that time I sure hope I've gone through the worst of everything. I would never wish him any harm; I just hope he's able to learn from our experience in some way... But I guess it's not my concern anymore, and it never should have been. I also REALLY hope his soon-to-be XW is getting all the support she needs. I genuinely hope that she will eventually meet the RIGHT man who is deserving of all she has to offer and that she will one day find the happiness she has not had in years.

 

Thanks again, STC - your words of wisdom never fail to put a smile on my face.

[gettingstronger]

We are 16 months in to reconciliation. Of course I am able to have compassion and understanding for you , my husband was also unfaithful. I am a cheerleader for anyone seeking to do better, be better. It's those still in denial or the in remorseful that I need to steer clear from. I believe in redemption and I believe we all can and should change and grow from this experience. It's bruising for sure, but healing is always the goal. Take care of you, be honest in your relationships and don't settle, brighter days ahead for sure.

[Speakingofwhich]

PC, Do you want to be with XMM? I think I recall that he reached out to you on a dating site and you were cool to him. Am I remembering right?

[PachucaSunrise]

GS - 16 months is fantastic! I'm sure it hasn't been an easy journey, but I'm glad to hear you've come so far. Your profile name is perfect. It seems to make a lot of sense for quite a few of us on here.

 

I appreciate your outlook regarding redemption in life - such a positive and optimistic way to view things, and certainly a great example to set for other people.

 

Thank you for such an honest response. I wish you all the best in your healing journey - hopefully getting stronger and stronger, one day at a time.

 

 

SOW - you have a terrific memory! Yes, he did reach out to me about a month ago, on a dating site, twice. I didn't respond the first time but decided to later after he wrote a second message. Initially, I was very cool (simple small talk). Then, one of his messages completely rubbed me the wrong way, and in the heat of the moment, I turned into a complete B$tch. It was an honest misunderstanding on his part, but I was taken by surprise from even hearing from him in the first place. My response was very bitter and resentful. So, after thinking about how I overreacted, I decided to message him back a few days later - very apologetic and heartfelt - but I think it was a few days too late, though, as I haven't heard back from him since.

 

To be completely honest, I can't say for sure whether or not I want to be with XMM. We never had the chance to even try to take things slow and have a somewhat normal courtship, and now that we can, I will always wonder. I definitely love him, and I have a feeling that I always will, but he's going through probably one of the toughest times of his life right now (a very messy D along with everything that comes with it, including custody issues). So as much as I would like to see what 'normal' could possibly be like for us, I just don't think he's any position to show me that, even if he actually wanted to. He has a long journey ahead of him - emotionally, mentally, financially, and probably even physically. On top of that, I don't think he's dealing with it all that well. In fact, I don't think he's dealing with it at all - he's out 'living the life'. So, time will ultimately tell in this situation. I'm not going to lie - I'll never lose hope, but I also have to be realistic. If I start taking care of me and am finally able to truly heal, we may not be in the same spots in our recovery, IF he ever does contact me again. Until that time comes (IF it ever does), I'm staying NC. Who knows? I may even meet someone else down the road, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. And as much as I'd like to be there for him during this time, I just don't think it's a good idea. He definitely needs this time away, just as I do. I'm not always a HUGE believer in fate, but in this case I am. If it is truly meant to be, it will find a way. Time, time time....

[Speakingofwhich]

GS - 16 months is fantastic! I'm sure it hasn't been an easy journey, but I'm glad to hear you've come so far. Your profile name is perfect. It seems to make a lot of sense for quite a few of us on here.

 

I appreciate your outlook regarding redemption in life - such a positive and optimistic way to view things, and certainly a great example to set for other people.

 

Thank you for such an honest response. I wish you all the best in your healing journey - hopefully getting stronger and stronger, one day at a time.

 

 

SOW - you have a terrific memory! Yes, he did reach out to me about a month ago, on a dating site, twice. I didn't respond the first time but decided to later after he wrote a second message. Initially, I was very cool (simple small talk). Then, one of his messages completely rubbed me the wrong way, and in the heat of the moment, I turned into a complete B$tch. It was an honest misunderstanding on his part, but I was taken by surprise from even hearing from him in the first place. My response was very bitter and resentful. So, after thinking about how I overreacted, I decided to message him back a few days later - very apologetic and heartfelt - but I think it was a few days too late, though, as I haven't heard back from him since.

 

To be completely honest, I can't say for sure whether or not I want to be with XMM. We never had the chance to even try to take things slow and have a somewhat normal courtship, and now that we can, I will always wonder. I definitely love him, and I have a feeling that I always will, but he's going through probably one of the toughest times of his life right now (a very messy D along with everything that comes with it, including custody issues). So as much as I would like to see what 'normal' could possibly be like for us, I just don't think he's any position to show me that, even if he actually wanted to. He has a long journey ahead of him - emotionally, mentally, financially, and probably even physically. On top of that, I don't think he's dealing with it all that well. In fact, I don't think he's dealing with it at all - he's out 'living the life'. So, time will ultimately tell in this situation. I'm not going to lie - I'll never lose hope, but I also have to be realistic. If I start taking care of me and am finally able to truly heal, we may not be in the same spots in our recovery, IF he ever does contact me again. Until that time comes (IF it ever does), I'm staying NC. Who knows? I may even meet someone else down the road, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. And as much as I'd like to be there for him during this time, I just don't think it's a good idea. He definitely needs this time away, just as I do. I'm not always a HUGE believer in fate, but in this case I am. If it is truly meant to be, it will find a way. Time, time time....

 

Thanks for answering my question and explaining. It's good that you wrote back to him with the heartfelt message and also that you realize he's going through a huge ordeal right now and it might not be best to jump in and reconnect.

[Owl6118]

So as much as I would like to see what 'normal' could possibly be like for us, I just don't think he's any position to show me that, even if he actually wanted to. He has a long journey ahead of him - emotionally, mentally, financially, and probably even physically. On top of that, I don't think he's dealing with it all that well. In fact, I don't think he's dealing with it at all - he's out 'living the life'. So, time will ultimately tell in this situation. I'm not going to lie - I'll never lose hope, but I also have to be realistic.

 

PS, i went back and read your first thread just now. I must say you have tried to handle this situation with compassion, and I am impressed by the awareness you have of where the boundaries got crossed that led you into this situation. You come across as a person of character and I wish you well.

 

I have a thought I want to share with you about your xMM from my perspective as a sober alcoholic. I was struck-- and not in a good way-- by your xMM's response to his wife's struggle for sobriety and freedom from addiction.

 

When I got sober, after the initial struggle, i experienced it as profoundly freeeing. I had been given the unspeakable blessing of being truly present again in the lives of my loved ones, fully myself, and fully free to engage with them and love and enjoy and support them. I was, quite simply, my true best self again. And everyone who loved me rejoiced in this for me. If anyone had treated me with resentment for breaking the chains of addiction, treated me as cramping their style, treated my strugle to return to life and health and joy and responsibility as interfering with their ability to take the edge off, I would have had profound sudden doubts about their own emotional maturity, and whether in fact they were really a friend at all. It would seem to me that such a person was, at the core, quite selfish--that they had wanted me as a prop for thier own party, not wanted me as a friend whose well being they cared for and celebrated.

 

So you will understand, I hope, if I say I am not a fan of your xMM's response to his wife's sobriety. It shows, to me, a self-absorption and emotional immaturity which connects all too well with other behaviors of his you describe.

 

I don't don't the sincerity of the connection you felt and still struggle with. But Hon, I will tell you flat out I do not think he is all that. YOU showed more empathy, more capacity for self-reflection, and more concern for the healing of others by sincere amends in your first post than he seems to have shown at any stage of his journey.

 

You. Deserve. Better.

[Snowflower]

Yeah, reading through it today, I now realize how promising it appeared. I'm going to try and stay as positive as possible about it, though. At least I know where I stand - I'm not ready - and that's okay. I won't be in this position forever. I think that will only help me if I keep that in mind as the days pass.

 

GS - I'm so sorry you were on the other end of things. I can't even imagine. You sound like such a strong woman. You should be so proud of yourself for having the ability to turn things around and not let what happened completely destroy your soul. Can I ask you how long it's been? Are you in the process of R? If so, I really hope it's going the best as it possibly can for you. It takes a lot of courage to turn the other cheek. It also takes a lot of strength to reach out to someone like me, considering I'm on the opposite end of things. Thank you for being so gracious and open-minded to do so. I sincerely appreciate it. That speaks volumes about your character.

 

This is just so nice.

 

I was also sad to read through your post and find out your date didn't work out for you as you had hoped. I'm not in a position to really give good advice to you since I haven't experienced what you have. But have you thought of trying to keep this guy (the one you went on a date on) as a friend? We all need more friends in life!

 

Best of luck to you, Pachuca! You seem like an awesome person.

[Owl6118]

But have you thought of trying to keep this guy (the one you went on a date on) as a friend? We all need more friends in life!

 

Weeeeel, he says wryly looking back on his dating days, maybe. Getting offered the lets be friends cup when you are really into someone can be a bitter cup indeed. Sometimes its kinder to let the guy move on in his search. His card of good female friends may be pretty full already.... Who knows, but could be... Just saying....

[PachucaSunrise]

PS, i went back and read your first thread just now. I must say you have tried to handle this situation with compassion, and I am impressed by the awareness you have of where the boundaries got crossed that led you into this situation. You come across as a person of character and I wish you well.

 

Owl - first of all, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to go back and read through my first thread. It was a long one, that's for sure. Secondly, your kind words truly mean a lot to me - really. Up until this point, I've lived my life in such a way that I'm very proud of, so I'm not taking what I did lightly in any way whatsoever. The more feedback I get, the more I'm beginning to realize that I've come down on myself EXTREMELY hard. Not saying that what I did was okay, by ANY means, but I've done everything in my power to become fully aware of when and how I fell off the wagon, how to learn from it, make amends, become a better person, and maybe even help someone else out during my process of healing. I'm really giving it all I've got. Thank you for noticing.

 

I have a thought I want to share with you about your xMM from my perspective as a sober alcoholic. I was struck-- and not in a good way-- by your xMM's response to his wife's struggle for sobriety and freedom from addiction.

 

Out of all the deconstructing I've done with my situation, THIS is something I've never really thought about from the kind of perspective you take. Very insightful of you and much appreciated.

 

When I got sober, after the initial struggle, i experienced it as profoundly freeeing. I had been given the unspeakable blessing of being truly present again in the lives of my loved ones, fully myself, and fully free to engage with them and love and enjoy and support them. I was, quite simply, my true best self again. And everyone who loved me rejoiced in this for me. If anyone had treated me with resentment for breaking the chains of addiction, treated me as cramping their style, treated my strugle to return to life and health and joy and responsibility as interfering with their ability to take the edge off, I would have had profound sudden doubts about their own emotional maturity, and whether in fact they were really a friend at all. It would seem to me that such a person was, at the core, quite selfish--that they had wanted me as a prop for thier own party, not wanted me as a friend whose well being they cared for and celebrated.

 

THIS. IS. AWESOME. I'm sincerely happy for your sobriety. There's just no way your journey has been easy. I feel proud for you. The selfish aspect you speak of makes a ton of sense to me. I guess in this sort of situation, you truly begin to understand who has your best interests at heart, and unfortunately (but actually fortunately), you're able to weed through who is ultimately deserving of your friendship. It sounds as though you're in a good place right now - good for you!

 

So you will understand, I hope, if I say I am not a fan of your xMM's response to his wife's sobriety. It shows, to me, a self-absorption and emotional immaturity which connects all too well with other behaviors of his you describe.

 

I do, and I thank you for your honesty. And now that I'm putting myself in someone else's shoes, from a completely different standpoint, I can certainly see the self-absorption and emotional immaturity you have described. Personally, if I ever found myself in a position where I needed to live a sober lifestyle, my SO SHOULD, without a doubt, be my biggest cheerleader. That is NOT the case with XMM. The only slack I'll give him is that his W's sobriety triggered his unresolved feelings and struggle with her cheating during the process. That's something that should have been addressed at that time. Even though they did go through MC, he simply gave up. Instead, a few years later, I find myself tangled up in his cowardly approach to ending his M - pretty much an exit A pawn. What. A. Mess!

 

I don't don't the sincerity of the connection you felt and still struggle with. But Hon, I will tell you flat out I do not think he is all that. YOU showed more empathy, more capacity for self-reflection, and more concern for the healing of others by sincere amends in your first post than he seems to have shown at any stage of his journey.

 

You. Deserve. Better.

 

"I will tell you flat out I do not think he is all that." Every single time I read that it makes me giggle - something I really needed to hear. I'm certainly not perfect, by any means, but I do have quite a bit to offer the RIGHT person. And quite frankly, my empathetic and compassionate nature should be shared with only those who are truly deserving, and at this moment, he is NOT.

 

Owl - I truly appreciate your insightful response - THANK YOU!

[Owl6118]

THIS. IS. AWESOME. I'm sincerely happy for your sobriety. There's just no way your journey has been easy. I feel proud for you. The selfish aspect you speak of makes a ton of sense to me. I guess in this sort of situation, you truly begin to understand who has your best interests at heart, and unfortunately (but actually fortunately), you're able to weed through who is ultimately deserving of your friendship. It sounds as though you're in a good place right now - good for you!

 

Oh, PS, this was long ago--I just celebrated 20 years sober. But getting sober at 27 was the beginning of my real adult life. There have been some struggles. I am just now fully recovering from a pretty devastating bout with major depression; trying to learn how to heal my wife from the toll four years of my emotional impairment exacted from her is what brought be to LS. But throughout it all my sober life has been more filled with blessings: love, marriage, fatherhood, good friends, interesting work.

 

 

"I will tell you flat out I do not think he is all that." Every single time I read that it makes me giggle - something I really needed to hear.

 

Good. Because laughing at his follies in the rear view mirror is the only further thought you should give him.

 

Owl - I truly appreciate your insightful response - THANK YOU!

You are welcome. I wish you only good things.

[snappytomcat]

This is just so nice.

 

I was also sad to read through your post and find out your date didn't work out for you as you had hoped. I'm not in a position to really give good advice to you since I haven't experienced what you have. But have you thought of trying to keep this guy (the one you went on a date on) as a friend? We all need more friends in life!

 

Best of luck to you, Pachuca! You seem like an awesome person.

yes sunflower I totally agree she does sound like an awesome person!!!