First Date Since A...

[PachucaSunrise]

This is just so nice.

 

I was also sad to read through your post and find out your date didn't work out for you as you had hoped. I'm not in a position to really give good advice to you since I haven't experienced what you have. But have you thought of trying to keep this guy (the one you went on a date on) as a friend? We all need more friends in life!

 

Best of luck to you, Pachuca! You seem like an awesome person.

 

Awwwww! Sunflower - how sweet of you to say! THANK YOU! Very touching words right there and I appreciate them tremendously!

 

Oh, as far as 'this guy', (haha)... We will absolutely be friends. I just don't think there was a love connection. I would never, ever shun him away just because we didn't 'click' - if anything, I would be completely honest with him IF he let me know he was interested any further, but he hasn't! Overall, a little disappointing, sure, but I think there's that sort of unspoken 'Ahhhh, I kinda like you more as a friend than anything else' on BOTH sides, so it really is working out for the best. He truly is a great guy, and so I'm glad there are no hard feelings on either side.

 

And I agree with you 100% - I'll never pass up the opportunity to make a new friend.

[PachucaSunrise]

yes sunflower I totally agree she does sound like an awesome person!!!

 

Thank you, STC! And really, right back atcha!

 

I'll tell you what, two days ago, I really felt as though I took two steps back... But not today. I feel like I'm back on track again, and honestly, I don't know if I would feel this way had I kept everything all bottled up inside. So, I owe all of you a HUGE thank you for all your helpful, caring, honest, and wise words of wisdom. I really am beyond grateful. And I will make sure to return the favor when the time comes - I will be more than happy to, actually. Thank you ALL so very much.

[PachucaSunrise]

SNOWFLOWER! Haha, sorry, my mind immediately went to "Sunflower". But I like "Snowflower" better, anyhow!

 

 

Oh, PS, this was long ago--I just celebrated 20 years sober. But getting sober at 27 was the beginning of my real adult life. There have been some struggles. I am just now fully recovering from a pretty devastating bout with major depression; trying to learn how to heal my wife from the toll four years of my emotional impairment exacted from her is what brought be to LS. But throughout it all my sober life has been more filled with blessings: love, marriage, fatherhood, good friends, interesting work.

 

I can't pass this up without saying something, Owl. This. Is. Huge!!!! 20 years is pretty amazing. And getting sober at 27?! Wow, I don't even know what to say. Impressive, indeed.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your bout with major depression, but am happy to hear that you're coming out of it. For the first time in my life I've recently experienced some rather harsh symptoms of depression as well. I can certainly sympathize with you - it's just plain awful. I never fully understood the magnitude of it, and how what they say is indeed true - it DOES physically hurt. Another experience I would not wish on anyone.

 

HOWEVER, I'm very happy to hear that you AND your wife are working as a team - and beginning to enjoy all the wonderful aspects that life has to offer. I'm understanding too, that the little things REALLY are the big things. It's especially nice when you can sit back and take all of that in, and be truly grateful for it. Once you find the ability to do that, you can appreciate life in a whole new way, and most importantly, never, ever take anything for granted.

 

Keep on keepin' on, Owl. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Waverly]

Pachuca, I've been following your story but haven't commented yet. I'm still pretty deeply mired in recovering from my own mess, and always hesitate to give advice to anyone else. So, I won't.

 

I do want to say though that I really admire the way you've handled yourself in your situation. I know there is some debate on here about the word mistake, but I mean this with the full meaning of the word -- intentional or not, we all make 'em. I've made some of the biggest of my life in the past year. But what I'm trying to take away from all of this is that my mistakes don't define me, and that however much I may stumble on my way out, all I can do right now -- all that I can control -- is myself. It's not a lesson that has come easily to me, and I struggle against it every day, but I'm trying to correct my course a little bit and get back to being the person I was before my A, before I set myself down this path. I know you're doing the same, and I appreciate you sharing your story and struggles with us here.

 

Owl -- oh, Owl. I don't want to hijack PS's thread here, but I do just want to say thank you again for being here. You may not even remember, but you popped into my thread a few months back when I was at a low - really really low - point. Nothing was getting through to me. But you did. And I will be forever grateful. I didn't know your story at the time and (if I'm being completely honest), part of me felt like you weren't entirely real. I know that sounds insane, but I turned over all the possibilities. Were you my xAP masquerading here to give me advice? Were you a figment of my imagination? Again, I fully admit how crazy that sounds -- trust me, I have questioned my own sanity PLENTY over the last year -- but you got to me that much. I'm still a mess, but you, at least temporarily, shook some sense into me. Thank you again.

 

One last note: both of you commented on finding new pleasures. I'm trying to remind myself to do exactly that, and to find joy in the small moments. One of my favorite quotes has always been the following from Kurt Vonnegut: “And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.” I still struggle a lot, but am trying to take notice of those small moments of everyday happiness. I hope you both find lots as well.

[Owl6118]

Thanks for your kind words re. the sobriety. It has been the gift of life itself--not fantasy life, just honest, real life, fully engaged.

 

For the first time in my life I've recently experienced some rather harsh symptoms of depression as well. I can certainly sympathize with you - it's just plain awful. I never fully understood the magnitude of it, and how what they say is indeed true - it DOES physically hurt. Another experience I would not wish on anyone.

 

Yeah, no kidding, I thought I knew all there was to know about depression, having had to bat away the blues from time to time all my life. Nothing prepared me for major depression. Sitting on the couch, being unable to get up, or answer a phone call or an email, no matter how I ranted and raved at myself in my head to just get moving, and having that go on for weeks on end--it was horrifying. I am so, so glad to be on the other side of it. I had to make many changes to start to get better, and I am still learning who I actually am on the other side. I am stronger in some ways--but I also begin to perceive that some things got left behind. Mostly things I won't miss. But nevertheless, I am different from who I was.

 

My wife was amazing. She stuck with me and stuck by me the whole time. But it took a toll on her. And it exacerbated some problems in our otherwise sound relationship that preexisted the crisis. She is very self-sufficient, which I love about her, but my years of emotional impairment and hideously unattractive paralysis pushed her toward relying on herself to a fault. What choice did she have, though.

 

Anyway, that's why I started hanging out around here. I actually found that wayward spouses seemed to have the most to teach me about how to heal my own marriage. My emotional absence and my change into something unattractive and distant during my depression echos what some waywards seem to do to their spouses; the things they do to help their spouses recover are things I am learning can help me.

[Owl6118]

Owl -- oh, Owl. I don't want to hijack PS's thread here, but I do just want to say thank you again for being here. You may not even remember, but you popped into my thread a few months back when I was at a low - really really low - point. Nothing was getting through to me. But you did. And I will be forever grateful. I didn't know your story at the time and (if I'm being completely honest), part of me felt like you weren't entirely real. I know that sounds insane, but I turned over all the possibilities. Were you my xAP masquerading here to give me advice? Were you a figment of my imagination? Again, I fully admit how crazy that sounds -- trust me, I have questioned my own sanity PLENTY over the last year -- but you got to me that much. I'm still a mess, but you, at least temporarily, shook some sense into me. Thank you again.

 

If PS doesn't mind the thread jack for one more post... LOL, yes, I am real. My crows feet and the softening of the skin under my chin prove it all too clearly--50 is a lot closer than 40!

 

I remember writing on your thread that day very well, because I was very uncertain if I should do so. My story does not involve infidelity, and I was very uncertain whether I had any standing to say anything or anything worth saying. But the role that alcoholism played in your xAP's story spoke to me. I also simply liked the way you wrote.

 

I am humbled to learn it helped. It is a great blessing to be able to help someone--it ennobles the spirit.

 

I wish you well, and think of you often.

 

And since you know my posts to you always end with a gentle push, this will be no exception. One of the greatest joys of getting sober for me was being able to stop lying. For me, the lies I told to everyone closest to me were that I did not have a problem, that I was fine, that I was happy, that I was not dependent on alcohol. When the truth was I had a huge problem, I was not happy in any way, shape or form, I was an alcoholic, and I was spending four or five nights a week getting methodically smashed alone in my apartment. The weight that came off my shoulders when I no longer had to tell those lies was wonderful.

 

I hope some day soon you can find a way to lift that weight off your shoulders. It will not be easy, much harder than it was for me, for my lies mostly hurt myself and yours will hurt others. But that weight--it is killing. I hope you can put it down someday.

[PachucaSunrise]

Pachuca, I've been following your story but haven't commented yet. I'm still pretty deeply mired in recovering from my own mess, and always hesitate to give advice to anyone else. So, I won't.

 

I do want to say though that I really admire the way you've handled yourself in your situation. I know there is some debate on here about the word mistake, but I mean this with the full meaning of the word -- intentional or not, we all make 'em. I've made some of the biggest of my life in the past year. But what I'm trying to take away from all of this is that my mistakes don't define me, and that however much I may stumble on my way out, all I can do right now -- all that I can control -- is myself. It's not a lesson that has come easily to me, and I struggle against it every day, but I'm trying to correct my course a little bit and get back to being the person I was before my A, before I set myself down this path. I know you're doing the same, and I appreciate you sharing your story and struggles with us here.

 

I'm glad you posted, Waverly. By doing so, I hope you were able to sort through your thoughts some more. And, advice or no advice - if my posts help you in ANY way, well, that just tickles me pink. Not even kidding. So, thank you for reaching out, AND for your kind words - very much appreciated. I'm really doing my best, and it sounds like you are as well. Worst time of my life, without a doubt, and knowing I'm not alone gives me some comfort. Thank you.

 

Oh, that word, "mistake"... Such a great topic for debate. I'm on board with with what you had to say about it, 100%. As each day passes, I hope the struggle becomes easier for you. I think we're in the same boat in that respect. Such hard work, but certainly NOT impossible.

 

The more I post and share with others, the more I realize just how far a kind word or two can really go. Obviously, the entire nature of an A makes it difficult to confide in others to begin with, and when you're plugging away, day after day, giving it all you have to, as you perfectly stated, "correct your course", the encouragement (and even brutal honesty) we give each other on here is truly priceless. I honestly don't know where I'd be had I not found this site. Before my initial post, for about two months or so, all I did was read... Post after post, and that, in itself, definitely helped me come to terms with the fact that my "mistake" wasn't at all that uncommon. Certainly not saying that I'm okay with it, but really, when the dust finally settled, and I had to look at myself in the mirror, I felt as though I was the SOLE person in the entire world who had ever been through something like this. My feelings of remorse, embarrassment, humiliation, disappointment, stupidity, sadness, loneliness, and pure hatred for myself, were excruciating - I honestly never thought it would get any better. And by gaining enough courage to finally post my own story, I've found that it has helped me in ways I can't quite explain... Almost like a semi-personal diary, but with feedback. Know what I mean? I am in no way fully healed; I don't know if I ever will be, but I do know that I am better than I was two months ago. I have days where my thoughts consume me, to the point of obsession. I don't always write about them, but on those days I usually come here and read. And then I see others who are hurting, maybe even more than I am, and it somehow puts things into perspective. And on those really awful days, if I'm able to reach out to someone and give them ANY sense of comfort, it brings comfort to me as well. Witnessing and experiencing this whole cycle of giving and getting back has truly been a beautiful thing.

 

Owl -- oh, Owl. I don't want to hijack PS's thread here, but I do just want to say thank you again for being here. You may not even remember, but you popped into my thread a few months back when I was at a low - really really low - point. Nothing was getting through to me. But you did. And I will be forever grateful. I didn't know your story at the time and (if I'm being completely honest), part of me felt like you weren't entirely real. I know that sounds insane, but I turned over all the possibilities. Were you my xAP masquerading here to give me advice? Were you a figment of my imagination? Again, I fully admit how crazy that sounds -- trust me, I have questioned my own sanity PLENTY over the last year -- but you got to me that much. I'm still a mess, but you, at least temporarily, shook some sense into me. Thank you again.

 

This is exactly what I was talking about above. Hijack all you want! If it helps, in any way, to talk about something that has struck a chord with you or anyone else, then have at it! I think that's great. Nothing like paying it forward!

 

One last note: both of you commented on finding new pleasures. I'm trying to remind myself to do exactly that, and to find joy in the small moments. One of my favorite quotes has always been the following from Kurt Vonnegut: “And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.” I still struggle a lot, but am trying to take notice of those small moments of everyday happiness. I hope you both find lots as well.

 

AWESOME quote! Vonnegut has some great ones, that's for sure.

 

The gym is a VERY new pleasure for me. The initial push was not easy at all, but I can already feel the commitment forming. I honestly DO NOT like getting ready to go (I HATE it), but once I'm there, I'm in the zone. And when I leave (and especially when I'm sore the next day), I thank myself for the push. That whole 'endorphin rush' is LEGIT, haha. I would definitely recommend trying it out, and this is coming from a girly-girl who cannot stand sweating.

 

Oh, speaking of quotes, that's another thing I've been into lately. If you don't already have an account, definitely check out Pinterest. I've been pinning quotes like a mad woman, and I'll tell you what... It helps! I call my newest board, "Experience - Life's Greatest Teacher", and everything I pin is pretty much related to this whole ugly ordeal... The quotes I've found are phenomenal, and are more or less about redemption, learning, self-respect, growing, regret, etc, but ONLY positive in nature. It may sound silly, but Pinterest has been another great outlet that continues to help me find myself again. Definitely worth a look.

 

I hope you are finding more and more happy moments each and every day, Waverly. Like everything else, it takes time, but as I'm learning myself, it's certainly worth the struggle.

 

I wish you all the best.