Dissappointments during your affairs...

[jesienna31]

Just interested in knowing if you felt quite often that your MM disappointed you on many occassions... It can be anything, just write it all down. What was it, did you sort it out, did it bother you a lot or where you just understanding that it it not easy for him to keep all of his promises? Or did you hardly had this problems at all...?

 

My exMM kept promissing he would see me and usually he had to cancel last minute for obvious reasons. He would tell me he would call, and then he said he did not find opportunity to sneak out any spare few minutes. I was put on hold on many occassions and just waiting for him to schedule any time for me. He kept saying he did his best and I would understand it if I was in his position and that I should relax a bit more and trust him that he will make time for me. But I rebelled very often and just couldn't wait. I hated the fact that when his wife called or wanted him to come home sonner he would prioritize her and it was me who always had to hope and wait.

 

Did you experience a lot of that in your affairs? If so, how did you feel during these times? Did you confront him or did you just let it be?

Edited May 28, 2014 by jesienna31

[Realist3]

I hated the fact that when his wife called or wanted him to come home sonner he would prioritize her and it was me who always had to hope and wait.

 

Imagine that. The gall of him putting his wife first.

 

Seriously, from this side of the screen it seems that many single OW do not fully understand what they are involved in. You aren't #1, you are #3 at best. You are a diversion, despite what you might be told by MM.

[Moonlitgirl]

We had been in our affair over two years. We had made a special point to celebrate his birthdays when they came around, but for some reason he forgot the date of mine. It is Christmas Eve, and to me, that is the easiest birthday in the world to remember, but I guess it isn't.

 

He told me happy birthday the day BEFORE, and the moment that happened, all the wind left my sails. I realized I wasn't nearly as important to him as he was to me. It broke me and I took him off that pedestal he was on.

 

We are still in the affair, but I'm not nearly as emotionally involved and it has been reduced to an occasional thing since that happened.

[Moonlitgirl]

I don't understand why so many OW are jealous of the BW, and jealous when he has to go or she calls. I am not jealous of his whatsoever. If he has to cancel, so be it. I guess I just understand that I am #3. Actually, I understand I'm about #8, but it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

What I do understand is that he goes to great lengths to steal moments with me. He looks at me like I am a goddess. He thinks about me all the time, and these things let me know that I have most of his lust and part of his heart. That's really all I want. I've got a husband just like he has a wife.

[Sub]

I don't understand why so many OW are jealous of the BW, and jealous when he has to go or she calls. I am not jealous of his whatsoever. If he has to cancel, so be it. I guess I just understand that I am #3. Actually, I understand I'm about #8, but it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

What I do understand is that he goes to great lengths to steal moments with me. He looks at me like I am a goddess. He thinks about me all the time, and these things let me know that I have most of his lust and part of his heart. That's really all I want. I've got a husband just like he has a wife.

 

This seems somewhat contradictory. If he thinks about you all the time, and looks at you like a goddess, that doesn't seem to jibe with being "#8".

[WasOtherWoman]

You know, maybe this is why I was a crap OW, but I did not expect that my affair partner would disappoint me. He was darn lucky to have me. If he was big boy enough to behaving an affair with me, then he'd better be big boy enough to keep me happy.

 

Yes, speak up!!

[Moonlitgirl]

1. himself

2. wifey

3,4,5. kids

6, 7. his parents

8.-me

 

I'm cool with that. I have other priorities over him too.

[WasOtherWoman]

Imagine that. The gall of him putting his wife first.

 

Seriously, from this side of the screen it seems that many single OW do not fully understand what they are involved in. You aren't #1, you are #3 at best. You are a diversion, despite what you might be told by MM.

 

Cannot disagree with this, but perhaps that is why married men who intend to stay that way should stick with married women. Seems like would be a much more peaceful situation for all involved.

 

edited: HA.. I was a pretty freaking expensive diversion for him then

[Summer Breeze]

I have to say I wasn't ever disappointed. I made it pretty clear from the start that I wasn't going to be jerked around. If he said he was going to be somewhere I expected him to be there. If he made plans I expected they be kept. If he had treated me any differently during the A I would have ended it.

 

I was probably number 3 in his life but he was probably 3 or 4 in mine. I never made him more important in my life than I was in his. It was actually no different to any man I'd dated. If you're not all in then you are down the list but the danger is when the MM is higher on your list than you are on his. I've said it a thousand times. DMM waited around for my time a whole lot more than I waited around for his. I loved him an amazing amount but never more than I loved myself, my D, my family. He was no higher on my priority list than I was on his. When I started feeling him rise up the list I ended it.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Summer Breeze

[cocorico]

Just interested in knowing if you felt quite often that your MM disappointed you on many occassions... It can be anything, just write it all down. What was it, did you sort it out, did it bother you a lot or where you just understanding that it it not easy for him to keep all of his promises? Or did you hardly had this problems at all...?

 

My exMM kept promissing he would see me and usually he had to cancel last minute for obvious reasons. He would tell me he would call, and then he said he did not find opportunity to sneak out any spare few minutes. I was put on hold on many occassions and just waiting for him to schedule any time for me. He kept saying he did his best and I would understand it if I was in his position and that I should relax a bit more and trust him that he will make time for me. But I rebelled very often and just couldn't wait. I hated the fact that when his wife called or wanted him to come home sonner he would prioritize her and it was me who always had to hope and wait.

 

Did you experience a lot of that in your affairs? If so, how did you feel during these times? Did you confront him or did you just let it be?

 

No, he certainly never prioritised her over me. I was always made to feel I mattered most to him. I did not expect to matter most - I expected his career to be more important, and his parents - especially dealing with terminal illness - and he certainly wasn't my top priority. But I was never disappointed, was never made to feel anything but his no. 1 priority, and was always surprised by just how far he was willing to demonstrate that.

 

Then again, I know my own worth, and can't be doing with anyone who would treat me like an option, so I guess if he wanted a R, those were the terms.

[Realist3]

Cannot disagree with this, but perhaps that is why married men who intend to stay that way should stick with married women. Seems like would be a much more peaceful situation for all involved.

 

edited: HA.. I was a pretty freaking expensive diversion for him then

 

Exactly this!

[cocorico]

Imagine that. The gall of him putting his wife first.

 

Seriously, from this side of the screen it seems that many single OW do not fully understand what they are involved in. You aren't #1, you are #3 at best. You are a diversion, despite what you might be told by MM.

 

Perhaps in your case. It's certainly not universal, as others' perspectives show.

 

I guess that's the difference between the MM who are looking for "a little something on the side", and those MM who genuinely fall in love with another woman while they are still chained to someone else.

[jesienna31]

You know, maybe this is why I was a crap OW, but I did not expect that my affair partner would disappoint me. He was darn lucky to have me. If he was big boy enough to behaving an affair with me, then he'd better be big boy enough to keep me happy.

 

Yes, speak up!!

 

This is why a lot of us are actually now in NC... since we don't feel like we were treated with enough respect. it all comes down to expectations, but expectations came from promises, which a lot of times got broken. I was happy to carry on affair for 2 years, since he really made me happy. But since his wife got pregnant I saw a 180 shift in him towards me. The pregnancy changed our affair a lot for me and apart from the fact that the baby was on the way (main reason for break up) I also felt i don't want to be treated as "much less" to what I used to mean to him before.

[jesienna31]

I have to say I wasn't ever disappointed. I made it pretty clear from the start that I wasn't going to be jerked around. If he said he was going to be somewhere I expected him to be there. If he made plans I expected they be kept. If he had treated me any differently during the A I would have ended it.

 

I was probably number 3 in his life but he was probably 3 or 4 in mine. I never made him more important in my life than I was in his. It was actually no different to any man I'd dated. If you're not all in then you are down the list but the danger is when the MM is higher on your list than you are on his. I've said it a thousand times. DMM waited around for my time a whole lot more than I waited around for his. I loved him an amazing amount but never more than I loved myself, my D, my family. He was no higher on my priority list than I was on his. When I started feeling him rise up the list I ended it.

 

I think there is a great difference between OW who is single, and the one who is Married. The dynamics of these relationships are so different. When single, you focus 100% of your emotions towards your MM, regardless if there are promises made on his part or not. This is just the human nature. Sex create bonding, especially for women, and when you don't have other partner in your life to let that emotional energy "vent" it can be quite overwhelming towards the MM. I think the main important thing as mentioned above- stick to what you need and what makes you happy. If you feel happy to be his whatever number #3 or #8 then good for you. I wish I could relax like that just to enjoy what i have rather then focusing more of what is lacking in my relationship.

[Summer Breeze]

I think there is a great difference between OW who is single, and the one who is Married. The dynamics of these relationships are so different. When single, you focus 100% of your emotions towards your MM, regardless if there are promises made on his part or not. This is just the human nature. Sex create bonding, especially for women, and when you don't have other partner in your life to let that emotional energy "vent" it can be quite overwhelming towards the MM. I think the main important thing as mentioned above- stick to what you need and what makes you happy. If you feel happy to be his whatever number #3 or #8 then good for you. I wish I could relax like that just to enjoy what i have rather then focusing more of what is lacking in my relationship.

 

I think you've got it wrong. I was single. He wanted a R with me and I set my stall out at the beginning. I told him what I expected and let him know what wasn't acceptable. He found out quickly I wasn't bluffing and what the cost was to having an R with me. We were very much in love and the R was great. I put it on a par with dating someone relatively seriously but not crossing into really serious territory. I didn't accept from him what I wouldn't accept from a single guy. It wasn't that I was relaxed, it was that I wasn't going to be walked all over. I had expectations and limits about my treatment. When I wanted more and he wasn't going to move forward with me I moved forward without him.

[jesienna31]

I think you've got it wrong. I was single. He wanted a R with me and I set my stall out at the beginning. I told him what I expected and let him know what wasn't acceptable. He found out quickly I wasn't bluffing and what the cost was to having an R with me. We were very much in love and the R was great. I put it on a par with dating someone relatively seriously but not crossing into really serious territory. I didn't accept from him what I wouldn't accept from a single guy. It wasn't that I was relaxed, it was that I wasn't going to be walked all over. I had expectations and limits about my treatment. When I wanted more and he wasn't going to move forward with me I moved forward without him.

 

That is a great post. Thanks for the insight into your situation. You really sound like a strong women. Unfortunately i would say for a lot of single women who get involved into affairs with MM that is not a case... I am one of them but working my way out of this emotional mess, NC was my first step and I am over it now but there is more work on the way.

 

I think people like you should post on LS and make insight into your situations so we can all learn. i think a lot of people come here for advise thinking that we are all in the same boat.. well this is not true. Every affair is so different and you cannot say what was right in one is going to work in all. I think it all comes down to what you will let yourself be treated as ... in a relationship rather then what you should do in certain situations that we need advise on here.

You have very strong boundries and I think if we all had them, our relationships would not have all the drama that we so often talk about here.

[Bittersweetie]

1. himself

2. wifey

3,4,5. kids

6, 7. his parents

8.-me

 

I'm cool with that. I have other priorities over him too.

 

One thing I learned about myself after my A is that I wanted to give 100% to my partner, and that I wanted (and deserved) 100% from my partner. And that an A will never meet that requirement since there will always be others involved.

 

I think everyone deserves 100% from their partner, and when I see posts like the one above...or from OW/OM who claim their AP is their soul mate, etc...I feel sad. I know what it is like to be in a part-time relationship, and a full-time one...and a healthy full-time one is so much, much better and rewarding. JMO.

 

In terms of disappointments...I guess I agree with some PPs. I was married, as was he, so I knew the drill. When he had to "use the restroom" I knew that meant checking in. At the time, it didn't bother me. Now, it makes me ill to think I sat there and thought it was all good.

[myname]

Imagine that. The gall of him putting his wife first.

 

Seriously, from this side of the screen it seems that many single OW do not fully understand what they are involved in. You aren't #1, you are #3 at best. You are a diversion, despite what you might be told by MM.

 

Shocking, maybe if the MM was honest about that rather than spinning a bunch of romantic lies to the OW she wouldn't get these bizarre ideas in her head.

[Lucygolds]

Of course there were times that I was disappointed when things did not work out. Usually we were able to meet at the gym a few times a week. His job always allowed him gym time during the day.....some days he could not make it before my kids came home from school. In order for us to get together outside of the gym my H had to be out of town and he had to be able to get away from work for a few hours without question. So we both had things that had to line up just right. He never really made promises that he could not keep. There were times that we talked about what we would do if we could go on a real date, or he would say he wished I could go somewhere with him or meet his brother. We both knew that these things were not possible and that always hurt. I think the biggest disappointment was when it all ended. His W found emails that he forgot to delete. I am still upset that he got sloppy.....Part of me wonders if he wanted to get caught.....He always said that the only way he could part from me was if he was forced. The idea of it hurts because I had told him that if he wanted out at anytime.....if it all got to much to please tell me. That I would walk away gracefully. Then a few days after she found the emails she found where he had dirty and regular pictures of me hidden. I was disappointed that he did not delete the pictures after she found the emails. Pictures that he promised me would be safe. I guess part of me is flattered that he wanted to keep them but still that got us in more trouble. When his W found out he sent a goodbye email but the biggest disappointment was that it all ended so quickly with no real goodbye and no closure.

[bambiwboone]

At first I was rational. I understood that I was not going to be the number one priority. At first I didn't even realize what was happening until it was to late to turn back. It's been four years on and off and I'm burnt out. It sort of went in a pattern of caring. At first I really wasn't bothered. Then it started to hurt me when he would not contact me when he said he would. I would be angry when he couldn't find even a second to see me. Now...i'm so burnt out on all of this I don't really care anymore. I want out but i'm not strong enough to walk away. Sometimes I really feel like I have lost control of this relationship as well as my life.

[Scarlet2]

Yes, I get disappointed with my MM because he'll cancel last minute too but usually if I'm the one that scheduled it, never when he wants to meet. Like he says yes to me to make it appear he's willing because in his mind it's better than saying no right out the gate; delayed disappointment is what that is.

 

And then it's like you can't really cancel or say no to him when he wants to get together to show him how it feels because you'll never know how long you're going to be waiting for the next meeting and it feels like your punishing yourself because you want to see him so bad.

 

Mine also tells me to be more understanding, patient, trust him, and yet everyone else gets prioritized before me including his pastor and coworkers. I'm like #15 :-/ that's why I get confused because he's the one that wanted this A but yet barely has any time after all his obligations.

 

The cancelations make me feel unwanted, rejected, undesired. I don't like to express it to him because I'm sure he already feels guilty enough as it is. Guilty for cheating on his wife and guilty for disappointing me. I also go through separation anxiety because of not knowing exactly what he's dealing with to make him not be with me. Funny thing is, he was on vacation recently and I couldn't talk to him the entire time and I was okay, I guess because I knew where he was and why he couldn't. The unknown messes with my mind because I have too much time to over think.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Of course, but that is because I was never OW material. I happened to just fall in love with a MM, I tried to play along because I thought I was modern. Or I thought if some women can do it, why can't I, but when it got down to it if I was truly honest, everything he did disappointed me because I started to fall in love and wanted to be his partner.

 

But the biggest thing that would send me off the deep end was him going back and forth about what he wanted from our connection but he would never let go. He would make me wait and wait for answers. He would never communicate. He wasn't OM material either, I think we just are both monogomous types who accidentally fell for someone else.

 

I wasn't jealous of the wife at all, I just was upset I couldn't experience him like she did and it made me sad he didn't seem to miss me like I missed him.

 

We just sucked at having an affair and I know that I will never do that again,

[still_an_Angel]

MM is older than me and seems to have a good grasp of how I think. He is very patient and has spent more time waiting for me than me waiting for him. He tries not to make demands on me but expects to know my schedules and stuff that I need to do and he tries to work around those. He's pretty good with emails because he always emails me, even during the times that he is extremely busy. I'm a solo mum plus I have more kids than him, he knows where he stands in my list of priorities. He runs a company and he has a wife, I also know exactly where I stand in his.

 

I get disappointed at times so I email my frustrations to him, he does his best to make it better but I have to content myself (most of the time) and avoid whining because of the limited time he can give me. This has always been the situation and I have accepted it. It just makes it easier, I know the W takes the number one spot in most things and I console myself that I (at least) hold all the aces in the bedroom department (sigh).

But I chose to be in this position, so I accept my number in his priority list (sigh again).

[joanofark]

Imagine that. The gall of him putting his wife first.

 

Seriously, from this side of the screen it seems that many single OW do not fully understand what they are involved in. You aren't #1, you are #3 at best. You are a diversion, despite what you might be told by MM.

 

tsk tsk. thats not nice. and certainly not true. Is your OW #10? the OW is usually moved up to #1 just not 100% of the time.

[Realist3]

Shocking, maybe if the MM was honest about that rather than spinning a bunch of romantic lies to the OW she wouldn't get these bizarre ideas in her head.

 

 

This is true. I understand that many MM have to lie their asses off to get a single OW just to get involved in such a situation. How many women do you know that would willingly say, "Yeah, I'll be your #3." Probably not many.

 

At some point though the truth should start to sink in, regardless of what lies MM throws out.