Goodbye Mr Emotionally Unavailable; hello healthy relationships!

[emily_m]

I wasn't sure which board to post on...so I chose this one as I think some of you may be able to relate and therefore respond.

 

At long last, at age 29, I am finally over emotionally unavailable guys and I feel like I've been given a new lease of life. Being subconsciously drawn to this type of guy, and being somewhat eu myself, has completely held me back and caused me a hell of a lot of confusion over the years.

 

The turning point was two years ago, when I became briefly involved with an engaged guy and to an extent became the other woman. Ending up in that situation and feeling so helpless was a huge slap in the face. I vowed to figure out what the hell was going on with me, and why I'd had such a horrendous love life and no long term relationships at 27.

 

With a few counselling sessions, a LOT of reading, and tons of guidance from baggage reclaim (thanks Natalie), I finally realised what had been going on and why I'd been thinking of myself as not good enough, and second best. And allowing myself to play a lesser role than I deserved.

 

Anyway here I am two years later, and for the first time ever, I feel like the one in control of my love life. I've ended my last two three month relationships as although they were different scenarios, the guys were both eu and the relationships were going nowhere. I still have a way to go to getting where I want to be, but I feel so confident now about saying 'this isn't working for me, I deserve better, I need x, y and z in a relationship and you can't provide that'.

 

I'd like to hear from people who have been through a similar experience. How quickly did you meet your emotionally available guy? Did it feel completely different to what you were used to? Do you still sometimes become involved with eu guys without realising straight away? I feel very positive and I know now that I am capable and deserving of a loving, committed relationship. But as it's yet to happen, I'm curious and would like to hear from others in the know.

 

Thanks for reading peeps

[jesienna31]

This is what I am working on...

 

can you please write a bit more about your healing journey? Any resources?

Awww.... amazing to see a post with some hope ))

 

Please share...

[jesienna31]

By the way... what happened in the end with that engaged guy that you wrote some time back? How did it all end?

[Grumpybutfun]

I always say to look at goals as though you are focused on the one thing you want and to be able to let go of the things you don't so you don't get mired down along the way. You want commitment and a LTR so you focus in that instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with them, you figure out what is wrong with you to make you stay in those situations. It sounds like that is what you have done so now you can focus on finding the right guy and not just the right now guy. Sounds like you are doing great.

Good luck,

Grumps

[HtotheN]

I am not there yet but I have been spending a great deal of time on Baggage Reclaim. Love Natalie and her sage advice!

[emily_m]

Hey jesienna. I think first of all having the ability to look outside of the 'relationship' bubble you're in, and accept that it's dysfunction that has brought you together is half the battle. For me, I just didn't want to be in that situation and I'd had enough of my short barely there relationships going nowhere. I knew I had to look within myself for answers, which I had always tried to do...I just couldn't make the links and so the pieces didn't fit. I had always suspected my Dad's lack of involvement in my life from a young age when he and my mum separated, must have played a part. But as I never felt too bothered by it, I really didn't think it was that. Anyway, I was wrong.

 

First off, I'd recommend baggagereclaim.co.uk and the author's fantastic book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. That book will become your bible! It looks at how we develop beliefs about ourselves and what relationships with others should look like from such a young age. How we can pick up bad habits from our parents and how, if we lacked something as a child, we crave it as an adult and are drawn to partners similar to that parent as we feel they can provide what we need. The book covers lots of scenarios and possibilities, as obviously we're all from different walks of life. But it's fantastic and will give you a great understanding of your subconscious. There are also tips for recovery and it's all very encouraging.

 

I found the whole understanding process so enlightening! The pieces finally fit together, I had answers, and I could make links. But where next? I felt as though I knew why I had been following such dysfunctional relationship patterns, but I didn't have a clue what to do next or how to change it. All I can say to that is, it has taken me the best part of two years to get to where I am now. I have continued to read throughout that time, and to make healthier choices...like ending things unless there is commitment, consistency, honesty and respect, at the very least. From doing this I have learned to love myself and have come to realise that I'm no different to anyone else who is capable of a loving healthy relationship...it was just my beliefs and subconscious getting in the way. I have a sense of freedom now. Anyways, I have written waaay too much lol, so give book a read and you'll see

 

Married guy finally got the message when I asked him to stop contacting me for about the sixth time. I actually went travelling and have now moved away, so I'm sure the fresh surroundings have helped me too...although you are the same person wherever you go, so there is no 'running away' from it. As soon as I can sense unavailability now I am really put off the guy (yipee!). It's a total break through and something that you also can achieve! Hopefully one day soon I will meet Mr Available and experience a loving relationship for the first time in my life. But until then, I'm enjoying my new emotionally healthy self.

 

You really needn't ever be second best, or some idiot's fallback girl...you're worth so much more! You just need to start believing it

[chelsea2011]

Awesome post Emily! I'm right there with you. Thanks for the book suggestion; I'm going to give it a read.

 

Have a great night!

[Scorpio Chick]

Thanks for posting about this, emily_m. Excellent for you!! Yes, I think I am very similar and I think I'm just now realizing it about myself because the common denominator in all my relationships has been that the guys are emotionally unavailable, and this last stupid experience, the guy was literally unavailabe because he's married and lives several states awayANNNYYYYYWAAAYYYY.

 

It's uncanny NOW when I look back at the guys I've fallen for. A guy I was CRAZZZYYYY about years ago, man. What an experience. He would blow hot and cold. We got engaged, then broke it off. We lived together. Finally one day, I had enough. Years later, (we kept in contact as friends throughout the years) I was living with someone else, in love (and this guy was bad news in reality) and I got pregnant. This other guy, the one I was engaged to, that blew hot and cold, called me one day, and when I told him I was going to have a baby, it was dead air. DEAD AIR I TELL YOU. I thought somehow we got disconnected. After about three minutes he says in a low, upset, raspy voice, "that baby should be mine." I was like, whaaa????

 

Anyway, yes. I have experience with eu men and I know now it HAS to be ME. Because I'm the main common denominator in all of it. Great post!! Very positive and hopeful and inspirational!

[emily_m]

Thanks ladies :-) I think it sometimes helps even just to hear from someone who is on the same page or who has had a similar experience. If I can help or point even one person in the direction of the road to recovery, that would be amazing!

 

Good luck all Xx

[Iguanna]

I'd like to hear from people who have been through a similar experience. How quickly did you meet your emotionally available guy? Did it feel completely different to what you were used to? Do you still sometimes become involved with eu guys without realising straight away? I feel very positive and I know now that I am capable and deserving of a loving, committed relationship. But as it's yet to happen, I'm curious and would like to hear from others in the know.

 

Thanks for reading peeps

 

I'm very proud of you for reaching this point of self awareness and believing in yourself. I have a pretty much same story as you. When I was 29 I met a guy who at first seemed kinda boring and very serious (I like to laugh and joke a lot) but it was obvious he was a really good person. He was mature, serious, a good friend, he cared for people more than himself etc. My instinct told me that I should pursue him and I did. Yes, the differrencies were more than obvious. He was polite, he never pushed me about anything, he seemed willing to try and get to know each other, he never yelled at me, he respected me. Now I know how a really good man behaves. Well after 4 years we are still together. What I want to say is that the "transition" from bad to good guys wasn't made consciously by me, it just happened. But I'm sure that now that you know what you are looking for, you will find him easier. Good luck

[emily_m]

Thanks Iguanna, I'm pleased for you too

 

It makes sense that it didn't happen consciously...I guess when we identify the type of guy we have been used to and realise he can't give us what we need to be happy; our 'taste' changes to suit our new outlook.

[emily_m]

Hey all, I wanted to check in and give a little update...I'm finding I'm attracting the same type of unavailable guy and constantly having to just cut them off when I realise they're not looking for long term or willing to commit.

 

It's tough, it's exhausting, and it's discouraging. Although I understand the underlying reasons, initially it just feels as though no one thinks I'm worth the effort, or thinks I'm good enough. It's like I just keep going round in circles to get back to the point where I feel strong again. It's a cycle of feelings.

 

I do hope things won't always be like this because I'm so exhausted by it

[Woggle]

On some subconcious level you might be attracted to these kinds of men.

[emily_m]

I think I am, I'm kinda stuck...

[MissBee]

I'd like to hear from people who have been through a similar experience. How quickly did you meet your emotionally available guy? Did it feel completely different to what you were used to? Do you still sometimes become involved with eu guys without realising straight away? I feel very positive and I know now that I am capable and deserving of a loving, committed relationship. But as it's yet to happen, I'm curious and would like to hear from others in the know.

 

Thanks for reading peeps

 

 

I actually came to this section of LS some years ago after having the epiphany that my dating life had consisted of a string of emotionally unavailable men. I also found the Baggage Reclaim site, I don't even remember how I came across it now, but it was like holding up a mirror to myself after having never seen one before and it actually made me feel physically ill when I realized what was going on with me and my choices and where all of it was coming from. But was also so empowering to know that I did have some control, unlike previously where after each failed situation that had similar themes, I felt I was merely "unlucky" but having no awareness of how it was my own choices that led to these situations in the first place.

 

After my A ended I didn't really process it beyond "Oh well, NEXT!" And it was while thinking about the drama of my (at the time) latest EU relationship that I began to think about every other relationship I had before, including the A and how all were basically same rubbish different day or in a slightly different packaging but at the core the same. I first joined LS during a break up with the man I dated after the affair, who although single, was also emotionally unavailable, which I didn't realize until I entered another such arrangement. When I got over that guy I would occasionally pop into the breakups section to give advice to people looking for hope that you do move on from a breakup and that's when The OW/OM section caught my eye (I'd never noticed it before in the years I had previously participated). I took a look, read some threads and was like WOW, I can relate to so many of these stories and all seem to have an underlying theme...and then it also hit me that I too had been an OW for some years. Up to that point I didn't think too much about my stint as the OW as a reflection of anything deeper to be honest...but all the stars aligned when they needed to. In processing the current situation with a man I was seeing who lived with his ex-gf but they were supposedly broken up but he and I were in an ambiguous, unclear relationship was when I realized it was all the same and it also helped me to process the affair and my relationship after, which was different, because it looked like a full relationship, but was similar in some ways.

 

Anyway: it's a process. Still is. I'm the daughter of a serial cheater and no doubt my relationship with my dad and my parents' relationship was my primary influence and affected me deeply, in ways if someone had asked me several years ago I'd have NEVER made that connection. But Natalie's site and also reading here helped me to connect those dots. That said...it took years of subconscious influences that unfortunately don't get undone simply when you realize.

 

I didn't really know what to do with the realization and expected it to be some magic that simply the awareness would make things different. No. I still attracted the same types of situations and kept doing the same things and having set backs but greater understanding each time. I also went through a period of being scared of dating as I felt I couldn't trust myself and that no matter what every man would be an EU in disguise. But I realized I had the power to walk away IF that ended up being the case and it wasn't a failure if I was attracted to such a man. The attraction isn't the bad part it was continuing down the path even after I realized he was the same kind of man and doing the whole push, pull, please love me , I want a relationship but not really dance.

 

Today things are A LOT different. I can tell you one thing: while it is a breath of fresh air to realize and choose differently, it's also darn scary for someone who has a "type." These emotionally unavailable and other dysfunctional relationships are addictive and appealing and speak to all your deepest issues....which is why people end up so addicted to toxic relationships and not healthy ones. I think for people who have a tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people or other kinds of toxic scenarios, there's a part of you that never stops finding them appealing...it's almost like an addiction, where you have to consciously choose not to engage, but doesn't mean you've lost all desire and no longer see the appeal. So it's something you actually have to choose and keep choosing until it becomes more second nature than the original desire. I'm in a relationship now with an emotionally available man that is a lot more of the reflection of how I feel and think now instead of in the past where I basically attracted men committed elsewhere or men who couldn't in fact provide a stable relationship for whatever reason...but it all boiled down to me meeting men whom I had to work hard and convince to love me. Whereas now, I'm with a man who can do so freely with no excuses, justifications, complications etc.

 

With my guy now, I didn't meet him until about 3 or 4 years after my epiphany. After the epiphany I still was on a treadmill to nowhere with some other EU guy in some ambiguous relationship. Now....I don't know if me and my guy will walk down the aisle (but oddly I was more obsessed with this when I was in the height of oblivion and seemed to care more about being chosen than actually choosing what was best for ME), but I do know that this is the healthiest relationship I've had and is a testament to my progress and I KNOW that should we separate I won't go back to EU men but will only continue to choose healthy men who can and want to love me with no complications.

 

Also...I'll add that finding a healthy relationship when you're used to emotionally unavailable, be it an affair or something else, is not easy. Sometimes it's like you're repelled by what is good for you and want the comfortable familiar, albeit problematic unavailable scenarios. For me I can only compare it to say, eating years of eating junk food...you become addicted and crave it and desire it even if it gives you high blood pressure or makes you lethargic after and even if you KNOW within yourself it's not healthy...doesn't stop the desire. When a plate of fresh veggies and fruits is in front of you...on one hand it's appealing and you know it's good for you and in the long run is more useful to your body, but for a while that isn't what your palate is used to and you might think it is "nice" but boring, not salty, fatty, "exciting" enough. That's been my experience. EUs were my junk food and my comfort zone and healthy wasn't. I freaked out with my guy several times (didn't let him know though) and found myself having to talk myself out of my panic because things were unfamiliar. It also helped me to realize how much I was also emotionally unavailable hence me choosing these unavailable men with whom I had a semblance of vulnerability or spent most of the time in this complicated relationship, being distracted with the complications and hard work to make them do this or that, which closed off REAL intimacy and vulnerability. With my current guy those built-in obstacles and barriers weren't there for the FIRST time and it was scary like having no out, no safety blanket, no drama, no complication, no nothing to use as an excuse or to distract myself with....

 

I could write a book on this! But I'll leave it at that and hope it helps. And congrats on your journey! It is indeed a journey and isn't effortless or easy even when you meet a genuinely available man...which is what I thought. That once you meet a good, fully available man, all is well...nope. Your fears and issues rear their ugly head and negative self-talk and the rest pop up and it's a battle, but one that is ultimately rewarding and it's a blessing to find a good, secure man who has empathy and will be patient with you and you do begin to lose your desire for EU men and you do learn to spot them a mile away instead of being seduced into such a situation and finding yourself saying "it just happened."

Edited July 21, 2014 by MissBee

[DKT3]

Hey all, I wanted to check in and give a little update...I'm finding I'm attracting the same type of unavailable guy and constantly having to just cut them off when I realise they're not looking for long term or willing to commit.

 

It's tough, it's exhausting, and it's discouraging. Although I understand the underlying reasons, initially it just feels as though no one thinks I'm worth the effort, or thinks I'm good enough. It's like I just keep going round in circles to get back to the point where I feel strong again. It's a cycle of feelings.

 

I do hope things won't always be like this because I'm so exhausted by it

 

My sister for a long time kept dating these bums. One day our grandmother told us a story. "There was two women who loved to hike, but every time they would go they would get chased by bears. They just couldn't understand it, they read and took classes on how to avoid bears. They fully understood what to and not to be, but the bears would always chase. One time, one of the women decided to drag her sister along. Before they got out of the car the first women used a bug stray then handed it to the second who handed it to her sister. The sister says I'm not using this sweet pea and "HONEY" based bug stray, bear will smell it"

 

Point being, you can know what you want and how to get it. But if you continue to do the same things nothing will change.

 

Change the way you meet guys, give a guy a chance they may not exactly fit your "type". If you have close friends or siblings allow them to hook you up. The problem is women tend to date the same guy with a different name.

[chelsea2011]

Hey all, I wanted to check in and give a little update...I'm finding I'm attracting the same type of unavailable guy and constantly having to just cut them off when I realise they're not looking for long term or willing to commit.

 

It's tough, it's exhausting, and it's discouraging. Although I understand the underlying reasons, initially it just feels as though no one thinks I'm worth the effort, or thinks I'm good enough. It's like I just keep going round in circles to get back to the point where I feel strong again. It's a cycle of feelings.

 

I do hope things won't always be like this because I'm so exhausted by it

 

Don't blame yourself! That is how dating is. Once you decide to put yourself out there you will go through many dating options before you find the right one. Just keep it light and don't take every guy you date serious. You're interviewing them too remember? If something is a-miss on the first date don't ignore it. Use what you've learned from these emotionally unavailable men and listen to your gut. If something makes you think, "hmm, that is weird" listen to it, cut the date short and move on.

[emily_m]

I didn't really know what to do with the realization and expected it to be some magic that simply the awareness would make things different. No. I still attracted the same types of situations and kept doing the same things and having set backs but greater understanding each time. I also went through a period of being scared of dating as I felt I couldn't trust myself and that no matter what every man would be an EU in disguise. But I realized I had the power to walk away IF that ended up being the case and it wasn't a failure if I was attracted to such a man. The attraction isn't the bad part it was continuing down the path even after I realized he was the same kind of man and doing the whole push, pull, please love me , I want a relationship but not really dance."

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story MissBee. I can completely relate to everything you're saying. I'm kind of at the stage you talk about above...I just don't trust myself to choose wisely. Guys always reveal themselves to be an eu type one way or another and I'm right back at square 1. Although not the square 1 I was at when I was oblivious to what was going on. I've come a long way since then, I know.

 

Can I ask how old you are MissBee, and how old you were when you figured all this out? Also were you actually attracted to your guy when you first started dating? I completely agree with your comparison to addiction, I've often made the links. And I just wonder whether you feel attracted to an available guy, or whether you just decide to take it further once you've identified that he has those all important qualities. Or whether identifying these qualities is actually what the attraction is all about.

 

I ask this as people have often said the available type will likely come across as boring - which I totally agree with as I think I've dated my fair share. I've never felt a connection with these guys, or felt attracted to them....for reasons which I now completely understand, so I've never taken it further than a few dates. But even so, what can we do about this?? I'm not talking about superficial chemistry, but there has to be that feeling of attraction, mentally and physically, surely. The feeling that makes you want to know more about them and spend more time with them...and ultimately, the feeling that differentiates them from being just a friend (being a friend AND a partner).

[Toodaloo]

Thank you for this.

 

 

Books ordered ready for a sit down to sort myself out.

 

 

I am stuck in that I have fallen for a friend that I have known for a while. We became close after he separated (and had been for a while) from his wife and now I am stuck. He wanted time out. Part of me thinks its because he wants to sort things out part of me thinks its so he can "dump" me with out the actual dumping per say... Its why I joined this site.

 

 

I dunno - All I know is that I am hooked and I am a mess. I am staying single because what I want is to be with him and I don't know if that is what he wants...

 

 

I just want a simple life.

 

 

Thank you for this post and all the advice and stories within!