Which parent does a child "side with"?

[M30USA]

I understand that a child needs both parents. Lets just get that off the table. I expect my child to always love his mother and will encourage him to. But what I'm talking about is which parent (or identity) does a child side with? Does it ultimately come down to the child's own predisposition or are there factors which can predict it?

 

The very nature of divorce implies that both parents could not unify their family direction due to conflicting directions. This means the child will be presented with two distinct paths from which to choose. While a child most likely will adopt traits from both parents, it still seems like one general direction must be chosen over the other.

 

My children will see two distinct paths. Her mom's family is Hispanic. They put family cohesiveness as the highest priority in life--even above truth and morality. They also put very high value on money and wealth. Much of their conversation is about increasing finances and buying houses. My family, on the contrary, is European/Caucasian. We value objectivity, truth, and tend to be more individual. Money is less important to us and we even view it as a potential pitfall to a rewarding life. Much of our conversation is on intellectual ideas and pursuit of integrity and accountability.

 

Clearly my children will see two different paths. What I'm asking is are there any factors which influence their decision? For example, are they more likely to follow the path of the parent with primary custody? Is it merely a time issue? Or are there other factors like the child's natural personality?

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback. It concerns me that my child could potentially choose his mom's family identity. I believe this would be detrimental to their well being. Thanks in advance.

Edited May 28, 2014 by M30USA

[snappytomcat]

when my parents divorced,and just through my life i always sided with my dad(hes Mexican)if that even matters,my parents never fought,but my dad was just easier to get along with,and still is years later,he was also more family oriented than my mom.

and his cooking was way better than hers too,she was really jealous about my relationship with my dad,but my brother was closer to her.

[CarrieT]

I don't believe there is *any* way you can pre-determine an outcome like this.

 

The example I cite is my new husband's ExWife who has had seven children with three different men. Over the course of these children's lives, they have had opportunities to be with either their mother or their father.

 

In the case of my husband's children, they are the youngest (B12, G15, B16) and I am witnessing firsthand who and how they are choosing as well as who their older siblings have chosen.

 

My husband knows and gets along well with his ExWife's previous husbands and they commiserate together the psychosis of her actions. In many cases, the fathers of these children have lamented the power this mother exerts on the children and how helpless the fathers have been in light of this woman's strategies.

 

Currently, my husband has 50% custody of two of his three children. The eldest - an idiot/savant autistic boy (16) who will always need a caretaker but is doing graduate-level mathematics and science - has been completely subjugated by his mother and my husband has very little input into his upbringing anymore. This is a fairly recent occurrence as legally, he still has 50% custody but his ExWife's influence on the boy's mind has eroded whatever bargaining power the father had with the child. So he is trying to salvage what control he has over his younger two children.

 

Yes, the personality of the kids has some bearing on their respective relations with both their parents. Right now, the 15-year old daughter desperately wants to only live with us and not her mother. The 12-year boy waffles because his Mom bends to his whims for junk food, no chores, and endless television. But we think he actually psychologically craves the structure he is given in our home and appreciates the lack of "drama" that our household offers.

 

In short, I don't believe you can do anything other than provide a strong roll model to your children. Don't bad-mouth their mother or her family. They exist and will always be part of your children's heritage.

[BetrayedH]

I'm in a similar position. My exwife's family is patriarchal, materialistic, judgmental, and successful at all of it. They paint a good image and I'm sure it's an attractive lifestyle.

 

I don't know any stats to share. I just know that I cannot do anything about their influence. It is what it is.

 

But I can most certainly have my own influence. I bring my own set of values and make a point to be a role model as best I can.

 

I tend to think that my exwife 's family will influence some things and I will influence others. I generally don't directly conflict anything from that side of the family, particularly from my ex. What I learned in my readings is that children self-identify through their parents. Insult a child's parents and watch the child put their head down in shame. As much as I'd like my exwife under all the wheels of the bus, giving them negative views of their mother can cause shame in them and I won't do it. Instead, I try to temper their influence with a father's wisdom.

 

In the end, my exwife will have her influence and I will have mine. I have a feeling that my children will be a bit of a blend. But when they are torn about what to do, their Dad will always be here. And I doubt there's anything that anyone can do about my children respecting the opinion of their father.

[Decisiontomake]

I think the children will see both cultures, and end up being a hybrid of them. I'm not sure what your custody arrangements are, or the ages of your kids, but your influence will ALWAYS be there with them, and will likely be just as strong as their mothers.

 

 

It's such a mind f**k, trying to navigate how best to lead children through what is a difficult journey for us as parents :-(

[carhill]

What I'm asking is are there any factors which influence their decision?

IMO, part of the equation turns upon age of the child and their elemental personality 'leanings' at the time where one family becomes two families.

For example, are they more likely to follow the path of the parent with primary custody? Is it merely a time issue?

It can be, depending on age and development. The younger the age, the more likely time has greater influence, in general.

Or are there other factors like the child's natural personality?

Each human being unique, the child's intrinsic personality may gravitate to one 'side', especially where the respective sides demonstrate marked differences in style. It's also possible the child can reject both sides, though this would be more likely to occur with an older child, like a teenager who's in the midst of rebellion and peer integration, where they 'choose' their peer group dynamics over any family dynamics they are exposed to.

 

If you're asking whether your children will turn out like your exW's family or yours, my bet is neither. There may be bits of your respective family's style in them but they will be their own people, just like their parents were/are.

[M30USA]

I can say this for sure: my house is RELAXED, their mom's is full of TENSION.

 

The one thing I do believe her family is doing to "win" them is to spoil them. They believe you can win a person with gifts. I refuse to do this and I can see how, at least until they're adults, this might work on them.

 

I'd like to think that my children enjoy being at my house for no other reason than I'm relaxed and they can chill out and not have their mom running around creating drama.

[Decisiontomake]

I can say this for sure: my house is RELAXED, their mom's is full of TENSION.

 

The one thing I do believe her family is doing to "win" them is to spoil them. They believe you can win a person with gifts. I refuse to do this and I can see how, at least until they're adults, this might work on them.

 

I'd like to think that my children enjoy being at my house for no other reason than I'm relaxed and they can chill out and not have their mom running around creating drama.

 

 

 

You're totally spot on with this! Your ethos will win through - for sure.

[CarrieT]

I can say this for sure: my house is RELAXED, their mom's is full of TENSION.

This is exactly the same with our house versus my husband's ExWife's house.

 

The one thing I do believe her family is doing to "win" them is to spoil them. They believe you can win a person with gifts. I refuse to do this and I can see how, at least until they're adults, this might work on them.

Same here. "She" tries to buy them with junk food and presents. We try to win them with love, calm, and - frankly - my home-cooked meals (versus frozen pizza).

 

I'd like to think that my children enjoy being at my house for no other reason than I'm relaxed and they can chill out and not have their mom running around creating drama.

Ironic you mention that. Just last week, we got back from our honeymoon so the kids had to spend 10 days with their Mom (usually just seven days). Both of the kids comments how much drama and chaos existed at their Mom's house. The difference is the 12-year old boy who, after a few days at our house, does tend to get bored because he has no one to play with on a daily basis.

[M30USA]

CarrieT, how do you keep "relaxed" from turning into "bored"? I too have the problem of not having my kids' school social circle nearby.

[TheBladeRunner]

As aggravated at my WXW as I was, I hope my child sides with neither. I'm sure she'll pick a "fav'", but she'll do that on her own. I won't encourage it.

[CarrieT]

CarrieT, how do you keep "relaxed" from turning into "bored"? I too have the problem of not having my kids' school social circle nearby.

 

Well, this might be a more important question in a months or so when we are in the full throws of the summer. Right now they are still in school so the boredom/relaxed factor has been limited to weekends.

 

Our summer schedule with the kids will be for two week intervals and I am going to be the one here with the kids at home. They are going to learn to cook for themselves (I've been doing all the cooking), we are going to investigate some camps (soccer and surfing for the boy, art and astronomy for the girl), and we are going to take some short weekend trips instead of a single, long trip.

 

It will be my first summer as a stepmother, so it will be an adventure.

[BetrayedH]

One thing that worked for my kids (I don't live in their school district either) was to get a basketball hoop. HOA be damned.

 

We went from the boredom factor to being 'the' neighborhood hangout within about two months. Having a PS3 also doesn't hurt, although I am also loathe to spoil the kids and am trying to counter the materialistic ex inlaws. To some extent, I went ahead and bought into video games and iPads because I want the kids to be socially viable. They need a social circle to learn how to socialize, argue, resolve differences, and so forth.

 

Anyway, we have probably 4-5 kids that now come around routinely and I've definitely decided that I prefer everyone being here as opposed to my kids being elsewhere (with God only knows what supervision). The one downside is that these kids eat me out of house and home and I do more dishes than I thought possible.

[No Limit]

I picked my mom because she didn't screw everything up with an affair. Admittedly, he was somewhat difficult at home and I didn't like his presence at all, he's had that ominous feeling about him. I'm actually glad that the affair quickened my parents' divorce, else I'd have the pleasure of living in a broken home with a nutjob of a father.

 

When my father went nuts about this and wanted to 'steal' me away it only confirmed my decision who to stay with, although being 4 years old you don't really have much to say to the matter anyway. What an irony that my father blamed my mother that she'd turned me against him, yet she simply never spoke a word of him and hasn't since. Only when he tried to reestablish contact again after a decade she stated that she'd allow me any contact I wanted, but she wouldn't go to meet him.

 

I never replied to his attempts though. What would I gain from it anyway? It's been 10 years back then, by now 12 and there's little left to say anymore.

Plus, I got at least 3 half-siblings. If he needs a kid he's got plenty to choose from.

 

At that point I'd just like to say that kids do notice what's going on. Maybe I just had too much time to watch my parents and their ridiculous form of a relationship, but the kids are fully aware of the climate at home.

Edited May 28, 2014 by No Limit

[M30USA]

I picked my mom because she didn't screw everything up with an affair. Admittedly, he was somewhat difficult at home and I didn't like his presence at all, he's had that ominous feeling about him. I'm actually glad that the affair quickened my parents' divorce, else I'd have the pleasure of living in a broken home with a nutjob of a father.

 

When my father went nuts about this and wanted to 'steal' me away it only confirmed my decision who to stay with, although being 4 years old you don't really have much to say to the matter anyway. What an irony that my father blamed my mother that she'd turned me against him, yet she simply never spoke a word of him and hasn't since. Only when he tried to reestablish contact again after a decade she stated that she'd allow me any contact I wanted, but she wouldn't go to meet him.

 

I never replied to his attempts though. What would I gain from it anyway? It's been 10 years back then, by now 12 and there's little left to say anymore.

Plus, I got at least 3 half-siblings. If he needs a kid he's got plenty to choose from.

 

At that point I'd just like to say that kids do notice what's going on. Maybe I just had too much time to watch my parents and their ridiculous form of a relationship, but the kids are fully aware of the climate at home.

 

Why do you think your dad is a nutjob?

 

I was accused of just about every claim in the book that a divorcing woman uses. Even though they've been legally disproven, I still am aware that she has accused me of them in front of my children.

Edited May 28, 2014 by M30USA

[Untouched]

It sounds like in your opinion your kids mom and her family are all bad, while you and your family are all good?

[M30USA]

It sounds like in your opinion your kids mom and her family are all bad, while you and your family are all good?

 

All I've been talking about is philosophical direction. At no time did I make ad hominem comments about her family or my family. However, beliefs are fair game for analysis.

Edited May 28, 2014 by M30USA

[CarrieT]

At no time did I make ad hominem comments about her family or my family.

Of course you did. Here:

 

It concerns me that my child could potentially choose his mom's family identity. I believe this would be detrimental to their well being.

 

The tacit comment that you are concerned that your child could choose their mother's family identity is implicit that you do not approve of her family.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would greatly appreciate any feedback. It concerns me that my child could potentially choose his mom's family identity. I believe this would be detrimental to their well being. Thanks in advance.

I think your concerns, if not wrong, are at least premature.

 

Some parallels. My ex-wife Hispanic, her family much as you describe in both cohesiveness and material orientation.

 

My family Anglo, more quirky, intellectual and individualistic. My now adult son (mid 30's) was 3 when we separated, 4 when we divorced. After the usual bumps and challenges, we successfully shared custody until he went off to college.

 

He is very much his own man, having at times thwarted the expectations of both extended families . I see more of me in him now that he's married and has started a family than I did in his teen and young adult years.

 

It's a cliche but the only way to help him be the best "him" is to work on being the best "you"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[M30USA]

Of course you did. Here:

 

 

 

The tacit comment that you are concerned that your child could choose their mother's family identity is implicit that you do not approve of her family.

 

Identity, as in philosophy and direction in life. Semantics, as you'd say.

[M30USA]

I think your concerns, if not wrong, are at least premature.

 

Some parallels. My ex-wife Hispanic, her family much as you describe in both cohesiveness and material orientation.

 

My family Anglo, more quirky, intellectual and individualistic. My now adult son (mid 30's) was 3 when we separated, 4 when we divorced. After the usual bumps and challenges, we successfully shared custody until he went off to college.

 

He is very much his own man, having at times thwarted the expectations of both extended families . I see more of me in him now that he's married and has started a family than I did in his teen and young adult years.

 

It's a cliche but the only way to help him be the best "him" is to work on being the best "you"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wow, we have much in common in this regard. Lol, I am too quirky. I think I have my ex's family convinced I'm loony because when I'm on the phone with my boys they hear us saying all kinds of made up words and silliness that makes no sense at all.

[CarrieT]

Identity, as in philosophy and direction in life. Semantics, as you'd say.

 

You still don't approve on some level and the disdain you hold for your ExWife and/her her family may be detectable on some level by your children.

 

As the others have said, the best thing you can do is be the best person you can be FOR THEM.

 

My husband has experienced similar instances as you; his ExWife went to extremes to vilify her children's father. For years, they probably believed it. As they got older, the youngest asked his father regarding a particular occurrence, "Is it true what Mom said about you?" And then a year later, "I don't think that thing that Mom said could be true..." They are learning their mother tells falsehoods. Their father tries not to add to the poison by telling them things about their Mother that he believes, however bad it may be.

 

Kids learn by example. Be a good example to them.

[M30USA]

You still don't approve on some level and the disdain you hold for your ExWife and/her her family may be detectable on some level by your children.

 

As the others have said, the best thing you can do is be the best person you can be FOR THEM.

 

My husband has experienced similar instances as you; his ExWife went to extremes to vilify her children's father. For years, they probably believed it. As they got older, the youngest asked his father regarding a particular occurrence, "Is it true what Mom said about you?" And then a year later, "I don't think that thing that Mom said could be true..." They are learning their mother tells falsehoods. Their father tries not to add to the poison by telling them things about their Mother that he believes, however bad it may be.

 

Kids learn by example. Be a good example to them.

 

Thanks for the info. My children haven't heard a single negative comment or accusation from my mouth about their mom.

[No Limit]

Why do you think your dad is a nutjob?

 

I was accused of just about every claim in the book that a divorcing woman uses. Even though they've been legally disproven, I still am aware that she has accused me of them in front of my children.

 

He has a financially poor origin so always had a knack for getting money with 'difficult jobs', so it didn't really surprise anyone when after the divorce he got caught dealing with drugs; this is also the reason why both my mother and I could avoid contact - or rather trouble - with him quite easily 'cause he fled the country and I doubt he'll ever return. Judging by the text he sent me years ago he already began forgetting the language.

 

A thing I do remember very well was when my mother left the apartment with me after their last argument before the divorce. He came after us and beat his fist against the windscreen of the car and nearly smashed it.

Like I wrote above, he's always had this ominous feeling about him. Outside he seemed like the perfect father, but at home he was unpredictable which put both me and my mother under pressure.

 

I could go on and on with stories but saying that he was/is emotionally abusive, manipulating and has/had tendencies toward violence sums it up quite well.

 

No contact for years and I'm glad to keep it that way. I don't need a father reaching out to me when I'm at an age where he probably assumed I'd earn money so perhaps I could help him out or God knows what he had in mind.

 

And don't worry about your wife. If your kids are smart, they will just nod to whatever she says and think of ways to change the subject.

Edited May 28, 2014 by No Limit

[M30USA]

Did your father have joint custody of you while growing up? Did he want to see you whenever he could?