drunken beater boyfriend! Scared! (long, sorry)

[Yasdnil]

So last night my boyfriend had pool leagues and he always gets very drunk and drives home (even though I tell him to call me and I'll pick him up). This really upsets me because I'm only 22 and I've had 2 of my best friends killed my drunk drivers. He doesn't seem to give a sh*t that this is such a sore spot for me. He just tells me that he's a "good drunk driver".

 

Anyway, he doesn't seem to be able to control his emotions very well when he's been drinking and last night things got WAAAAAY out of hand. I am so scared now and don't know what to do!

 

When he got home at 2:30am (said he'd be home at 12 or so) I was pretty annoyed. I told him that I was upset about him not being home when he said he was going to be and I have to worry about him being smeared across the pavement or something. All of a sudden he says "What do you think I was out f***ing someone else?!?! I'm not cheating on you!! blah blah blah...". I admit Iam a bit jealous and have a problem with how flirtatious he is with girls, but I didn't say ANYTHING about him cheating....why was he being so defensive?

 

Then he goes "FINE I was ****ing someone else!" (he really wasn't though...why did he say this then?) So I slapped him. I know that was wrong, but I didn't know what to do. THEN he stood up (I was sitting on the floor) and hit me in the face, full force! It hurt so bad!!! I started crying, of course and got really upset and started yelling at him. He was laying face down on the bad at this time and started throwing everything off his nightstand and then tried to pick it up and HIT ME with it!! I stepped on it before his wasted ass could get it off the ground....THANK GOD!

 

I told him then he had to go sleep on the couch. I refused to give him one of my vlankets that I had on the bed so he stepped on my stomach with all of his weight so I'd let go. ow. On his way out of the room he slammed the floorlamp we have onto the floor and glass went EVERYWHERE!!! I was so pissed so I started yelling again and told him that if he breaks something of mine I'm going to break something of his, and I headed for his computer. Apparently a HUGE mistake. He grabbed me by the neck and put me in a headlock and squeezed so hard my neck is so sore today, then threw me on the ground and started slapping me. All of a sudden it's like something clicked and he realized what he was doing and went and laid down on the couch.

 

He tells me that I provoke him, deserve it for being a bitch, and that I hit him first and that's why he did what he did it. Is this right?

 

I told him things were over. I wasn't going to put up with this anymore. But, woe, I am weak.

 

He called me at work and said he was sooo sorry and he didn't remember a lot of what happened. He's been kind of sucking up all day (big surprise).

 

I want him to stop drinking. He's even admitted that he doesn't know when to stop. His mom is an alcoholic. Drunk driving is bad. I know I need to leave, but I am dependet on him to help me pay for the apartment and I feel guilty when I say I'm going to leave, because he can't afford it on his own either. I really don't have any place to go either. I am scared and bruised now. I don't know what to do.

[Yasdnil]

when I went for his computer he said he would kill me...actually MURDER me if I ever touched it. Today he now says that he was just exaggreating, but if I would have done something to it last night I don't think I'd be able to be typing this today.

[moimeme]

Leave.

 

Learn that you NEVER hit anyone.

 

Do NOT live with people who are so stupid they drive when drunk. Never mind they could get killed (probably no big loss there) BUT THEY CAN KILL SOMEONE ELSE.

 

That he got violent when he was drunk is a HUGE red flag. Go to the doctor and have them document your injuries. If he stomped your stomach, he could have done a great deal of damage.

 

Now he has broken the barrier of hitting you, it will only increase. Do NOT stay in this relationship. Your life may be next.

 

He tells me that I provoke him, deserve it for being a bitch, and that I hit him first and that's why he did what he did it. Is this right?

 

No. What you did was stupid, but all abusers blame everybody else.

 

If you are too poor to live on your own, find a female roommate. What ever happened to rooming with people of your own gender when you're down on your money? It's more than dumb to stay with a violent man just for money's sake. Money will be of no use to you if you are dead. Start looking to live in a room in someone's house now. Preferably some nice old lady who needs company and doesn't drink.

[JoL]

Please, for the sake of your safety..get out of that relationship.

I was with an abusive guy for a year and it doesn't get any better, trust me.

He is going to seriously hurt you- to the point of putting you in hospital- or in a coma.

 

I think first things first- you need counselling to help deal with this situation to give you the strength to walk away.

Ring a local domestic violence centre and find some counselling for yourself- do it in private. Set up an account and put money away for a place of your own.. live with a friend if you have to. ANYTHING is better than being beaten up.

 

This guy is TOXIC for you..forget being bruised...you are going to be lying UNCONCIOUS on the floor next time this so-called 'man' decides to go into another alcahol inducted rage-a-thon.

 

PLEASE..before you marry him, get pregnant or tie yourself to him any further PLEASE..You need to understand that he can't change unless he wants to. And it doesnt seem like he wants to. For an abusive alcaholic to change do you realise HOW much therapy and counselling he will need? A lifetimes worth. Do you feel prepared to stick it out and see if he "maybe" gets better, while he beats you when you do something he doesnt like?!

 

Also..

Visit Dr Irenes verbal abuse site- this forum is 100% about abusive people and how to deal with them, everyone here has been through the same thing or is still going through the same thing on this site.. you can get a lot of support from other women (and men) in your situation..

http://drirene.com/catbox/index.php

[FolderWife]

What are you thinking staying in a relationship like this!? YES he was drunk, but all you've got invested in him right now is DATING! Thank God you aren't married, or have a kid by him yet!!! He pretty much beat the crap out of you.

 

But I don't know what the heck you were thinking provoking him like that!!! You shouldn't have hit him, and once he hit you like that, you should've let him sleep in the bed, and not continued and continued and continued to PUSH! Did you WANT to get killed!?!?

 

If you are ever in a situation like that again, let it GO. Talk to him when he's rational again...you can't fight with a DRUNK!

 

Get out of the relationship. Once the man steps over the line of physical abuse, it only gets worse every time. If you let him by with this, next time, he'll push it a little farther, until he sees how much you'll put up with.

 

Were you not scared out of your MIND!?

[NiCoLe20]

if you dont get out of this relationship your not a woman but a coward

 

i wouldve called the cops on him

[blind_otter]

Yeah to be honest with you, you are setting yourself up if you stay with him after this. ONE incident of abuse = dealbreaker.

 

Or, you could be stupid like me, and keep begging him to get sober while he lies to you about his drinking habits, and then when you finally DO get the guts to break up with him, he could break into your house and try to kill your bestfriend.

 

I was stupid. I stayed in an abusive relationship because I thought if I loved him enough, he would change. But they don't. He needs to be alone, so do you - hitting is NEVER ok.

 

Go to a shelter for domestic violence. They can help you make a plan for how you will survive after this. How he takes care of himself is his business. If he's anything like my ex he'll find another stupid girl to live off of and smack HER around.

[tanbark813]

I'm not defending the guy here at all, but why is he the only one labelled as abusive? They both sound abusive IMHO.

[Stone]

I agree with Tanbark,

 

I'm sorry but you shouldn't have slapped him in the face knowing he was drunk, If you hit someone always expect to get hit back. and You ALSO acted foolish by continuing to fight with him after he hit you by trying to trash his stuff. If you ask me this relationship is immature and childish you should BOTH get away from eachother before you BOTH go to jail. But don't act like the victim because it's 1/2 your fault.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I'm not defending the guy here at all, but why is he the only one labelled as abusive? They both sound abusive IMHO.

 

With my ex, things became mutually abusive. He would spit on me, smack me upside the head, or shove me, and I would get freaked out and I would literally hit him and push him until he was out the front door and then I would lock it.

 

I had a lot of guilt about that. What else was I supposed to do? What is "Appropriate behavior" when you feel that your life is threatened and someone is trying to throw furniture at you?

 

Please explain.

[Stone]

Restraining order???

[Barby]

I was very reluctant to respond to this thread because I always tend to come off harsh and once again I didn't want that.

 

On the other hand TanBark and Stone have both brought up what I was debating on expressing!

 

 

It is NOT fair to call him abusive when indeed he came home drunk and you began arguing with him about him being late (though this was inconsiderate he was drunk) so things probably came across confrontational with him. It would have been better to wait until the morning when he was sober to confront him about it.

 

Now like you said he shouldn't have said he was sleeping with someone else but he was probably sick of the "nagging" and wanted to "shut you up" (maybe I dunno) so he said that?!?!

 

Now the second mistake (as was said) you HIT him first, then once he hit you back you didn't stop, he went into the room and chances are you continued to argue with him so to get you quiet he threw things at you! Wrong? Yes! BUT on both parts you should have let it drop or removed yourself from the situation at the time! Then he wanted to take the "one of the" blankets to go and sleep on the couch after you asked him to but you wouldn't LET GO of it! You continued a "petty" fight by hanging onto it...did you expect him to sleep without a cover or did you want him to beg you to let him sleep in the bed?

 

THEN he knocked the lamp off and broke it (keeping in mind he's drunk) and you screamed at him that you'd break his stuff...a lamp is CHEAP a computer is NOT! You headed off towards the computer KNOWING it was HIS and not as unimportant as a lamp! I don't blame him for getting so mad, he shouldn't have put his hands on you but you shouldn't have done it to him either! You BOTH are to blame and if this is typical behavior you need to get out now before it esculates!

[blind_otter]

The sad fact is that most abused partners will return the abuse, once or more.

 

There is always some sort of protective reaction to being abused, verbally, physically, emotionally - not every woman cowers in the corner and cries.

 

I agree she should have called the cops that night.

 

In my county you have to have multiple sworn complaints against your abuser before they will grant you a restraining order - I had three on record, all for which I had dropped charges against him, so my restraining order went right through. But there were others at the hearing who had their restraining order denied because they were reporting a single incident of abuse.

 

That makes a pantsfull of sense, but whatever.

[Barby]

Originally posted by blind_otter

 

 

With my ex, things became mutually abusive. He would spit on me, smack me upside the head, or shove me, and I would get freaked out and I would literally hit him and push him until he was out the front door and then I would lock it.

 

I had a lot of guilt about that. What else was I supposed to do? What is "Appropriate behavior" when you feel that your life is threatened and someone is trying to throw furniture at you?

 

Please explain.

 

 

This case sounds A LOT different from your's I mean I haven't heard you express that you have STARTED the physical assult (maybe you haven't mentioned it or maybe you didn't do it)...but in this case she hit him first which is a no-no NO matter who does it first! But I think in this case appropriate behavior would have been her walking away (sleeping on the couch or at a friend's house) until they could talk rationally and with him being sober! When he said "yes I was out sleeping with someone else" she should have turned around and left!

[blind_otter]

Once we were in the car (this is when I was pregnant) and he called me a fat bitch, out of the blue, so I slapped him.

 

I definately started it then.

 

I just think there's a HUGE difference between a woman and a man smacking someone. There's no excuse for choking, or holding someone on the ground, I DON'T CARE if he got slapped first.

 

My exH got slapped a few times by me. He held his composure and left the house. He didn't go crazy and start smacking me around. That's what a MAN does. He controls himself. I've been slapped by a woman before, it just really doesn't hurt as bad as getting choked, or hit by a man. I still think there is no excuse for punching a woman in the face, trying to throw furniture at her, stepping on her, holding her down, and f*cking choking her until her neck is bruised.

 

This is why it took me so long to report the abuse. Because I knew no one would believe me and they would blame me for being a crazy bitch who egged him on and I deserved every time he hit me, every time he spit on me, because god knows I should have just walked away. And I know it too. Ugh I am unsubscribing to this thread because I am still too reactive about abuse.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Stone

I'm sorry but you shouldn't have slapped him in the face knowing he was drunk, If you hit someone always expect to get hit back. and You ALSO acted foolish by continuing to fight with him after he hit you by trying to trash his stuff. If you ask me this relationship is immature and childish you should BOTH get away from eachother before you BOTH go to jail. But don't act like the victim because it's 1/2 your fault.

 

Exactly.

 

 

Originally posted by blind_otter

With my ex, things became mutually abusive. He would spit on me, smack me upside the head, or shove me, and I would get freaked out and I would literally hit him and push him until he was out the front door and then I would lock it.

 

I had a lot of guilt about that. What else was I supposed to do? What is "Appropriate behavior" when you feel that your life is threatened and someone is trying to throw furniture at you?

 

Please explain.

 

Like Barby said, that was a little different in that you didn't start it. I'm not saying you shouldn't defend yourself in a situation like that, I just think it's ridiculous for only one person--male or female--to be called abusive when both contributed to the violence.

 

Being against violence but then slapping the person you're with is just hypocritical.

 

 

On a side note, why is it that women want equality when it comes to things like equal pay and opportunities in the workplace, but then go on and on about how it's okay for a woman to hit a man but not the other way around? I know not all women are like this, but it's far too common.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by tanbark813

On a side note, why is it that women want equality when it comes to things like equal pay and opportunities in the workplace, but then go on and on about how it's okay for a woman to hit a man but not the other way around? I know not all women are like this, but it's far too common.

 

I agree. No one should hit anyone. It's not a question of how hard you get hit but just the simple fact the someone has been hit.

 

Physical abuse is not healthy in any relationship, no matter who is doing the hitting.

[Barby]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

 

 

I agree. No one should hit anyone. It's not a question of how hard you get hit but just the simple fact the someone has been hit.

 

Physical abuse is not healthy in any relationship, no matter who is doing the hitting.

 

 

yeap

[Craig]

It doesn't make a shred of difference regarding the gender of the initiator of violence--violence in any situation is wrong.

 

Defending oneself is too often misinterpreted to mean escalating the violence.

 

Self defense does not mean if someone hits you then you hit them harder. It means doing whatever it takes (including running away, cowering, calling 911, threatening to call 911, etc.) to avoid further violence in the moment.

 

The essence of the law regarding self defense in most jurisdictions is that you can use any reasaonable amount of force necessary to defend yourself. It doesn't say that if you get slapped that you can punch that person in the face if you could escape from the situation or otherwise avoid an escalation of the violence.

 

If you genuinely fear for your safety your first goal is to escape the danger not to stick around and give the perpetrator what you think they deserve.

 

The second thing you must do if you want to be taken seriously is after escaping the danger, call 911 and report it. If you don't report violence against you the justice system can tend to believe that it obviously wasn't that serious and may tend to discount it.

 

If your partner is being violent to you that is the clearest communication that they can make that it is time for you to leave the relationship AND to get help/assistance through a domestic violence help facility.

[moimeme]

It doesn't say that if you get slapped that you can punch that person in the face if you could escape from the situation or otherwise avoid an escalation of the violence.

 

Exactly. While I don't condone the fact that she slapped him once, it did not warrant getting stomped and otherwise beaten on.

 

If you plan to stay alive, never hit someone who's drunk and mad. However, none of this blather about who's more wrong matters as much as the fact that he could get that abusive and do that much damage when he was drunk.

 

If one person is stupid enough to hit, the other is not right to hit back except if the first hitter is going to continue and do more damage. So whether or not she 'started it', what she got back was disproportionate to the extreme. She still needs to leave this guy and quit hanging with drunks.

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by moimeme

Exactly. While I don't condone the fact that she slapped him once, it did not warrant getting stomped and otherwise beaten on.

 

If you plan to stay alive, never hit someone who's drunk and mad. However, none of this blather about who's more wrong matters as much as the fact that he could get that abusive and do that much damage when he was drunk.

 

If one person is stupid enough to hit, the other is not right to hit back except if the first hitter is going to continue and do more damage. So whether or not she 'started it', what she got back was disproportionate to the extreme. She still needs to leave this guy and quit hanging with drunks.

Exactly. These two need to get away from each other before one or both of them ends up seriously hurt or worse.

 

I'd like to add that even if he doesn't mind getting smeared across the highway, he needs to keep his drunk a$$ out from behind the wheel before he kills someone else on the road. This guy obviously doesn't give a flying rat's butt about anyone - not himself, not his gf, not the strangers who he shares the roads with, not the children in others' cars - no one.

[Craig]

This guy needs a short sharp shock before he kills someone. You have to talk to the police about this and help get him busted for drunk driving the next time he does it. If you don't then tell me how you won't also share the blame when he kills someone.

 

****************************************************************

 

Getting drunks off the road isn't always easy but I do my share every time I see one. Once around 1:30 am on a 2 lane non-divided highway I saw a drunk driver playing chicken with on coming traffic!!! It was a miracle that no one was hit but the on coming traffic always managed to swerve out of the way.

 

I called the cops on my cell, they said they'd come out. 20 minutes later they still didn't show up. I called again and told them I'd stay on the line until they got there because if they didn't someone was going to definitely get killed. I kept way back so the drunk wouldn't be spooked and 40 minutes later 2 cops in one car show up and pull over the driver.

 

One cop started to ask the driver for their registration and license and stopped. Then he opened the door and the drunk fell out of the car onto the road. As the 2 cops were carrying the drunk driver past me one of them asked me if I was the one who made the call. I answered "yes" and she said, "you definitely saved at least one life tonight!"

 

Later I found out from the prosecutor that the drunk was driving without a license, it had been taken away for multiple drunk driving offenses. Initially the drunk driver got 6 months probation but on appeal the drunk driver got 2 years less a day in jail.

 

You know what? With dozens of people being run off the road that night by this drunk I was the only one that called.

 

Someone has to make the call to save a life and sometimes you have to be persistent and insist that the cops do their job. This isn't revenge or being a b*tch it's about "doing the right thing."

[CoolAunt]

Someone has to make the call to save a life and sometimes you have to be persistent and insist that the cops do their job. This isn't revenge or being a b*tch it's about "doing the right thing."

Craig, I understand your reasons for calling. You went above and beyond by trailing the idiot. Had he hit someone, at least you'd have been there to render aid...or render cell phone.

 

I'm no tattle tale either. The guy could be totally wasted and not behind the wheel, and I'd never think of calling the cops over a public intox. But a drunk behind the wheel of a car is a danger to every person who shares the roads with him, including other drivers, other passengers, pedestrians.

 

Confession: I totalled a car driving drunk when I was 19 years old. My friend in the passenger seat suffered four broken bones (vertebrae?) in his neck. He spent 6 months in a halo brace. His forehead still bears the scars from where the bolts were drilled into it. Among other injuries, and not nearly as severe as my friend's injuries, I had 25 stitches on my right eyelid and brow. I still bear the worst of those scars, including a bald spot in my brow. Several years later, I was the passenger in a car that was hit and totalled by a drunk driver. Karmac debt? I dunno, but no more drunk driving for this girl.

 

Back to the topic...what was it? Oh yes, abusive alkies.

[SoleMate]

Craig, great posts.

 

The BF of the OP is a violent drunk.

 

The OP is is a violent sober person.

 

The OP started the physical assault on the occasion described, and her BF dramatically escalated it.

 

The OP was very wrong to continue to "dish out physical punishment" instead of fleeing defensively. You are only legally permitted to hit back when it is the only reasonable way to defend yourself.

 

If this incident were put before a court of law, both parties might legally be charged with assault and battery. A prosecutor would likely feel much more lenient towards the OP, since her battery was mild and not likely to cause great harm (a slap and blanket denial??), whereas the BF could have put her in the hospital or even killed her with his stomach stomping and choking. She might get off with probation, whereas he would likely get time.

 

Yasdnil, you feel like you don't have the ability to leave, but I assure you that you do. You just have to find a way. Try shelters, churches, welfare, friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors...I am sure that there is 1 human being out there who will help you. And for goodness' sake, feel good, not guilty, about getting away from someone who might very well kill you one day...and then cry at your funeral.