MIL sucks

[lora22]

I'm back, ranting about my in-laws again - specifically MIL.

 

For a long time I felt good about how things were going with the in-laws, the boundaries that H & I had established, and just overall I thought we had a decent relationship/dynamic going, and I was comfortable with compromises that I made.

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. All of a sudden, MIL started being super crazy again - like, as crazy as she was when H and I got engaged. It's not like she was ever a normal person who I looked forward to spending time with, but she definitely mostly had her crazy under control and I didn't mind her too much.

 

It all started when H & I went to MIL's house for dinner - specifically, so she could make dinner for him for his birthday. We can generally only see his parents on weekends, and this year his birthday fell on a Saturday, and I suspect that part of what sparked the ensuing bitchiness I had to endure is that we went over for dinner on Sunday and not the actual day of H's birthday (since I was taking him out to dinner that night). It is also worth mentioning that last year for H's bday, when asked if he wanted to go to his parents' for dinner or out for dinner, he chose to go out to a restaurant, so his family met us out for dinner.

 

The second we walked in the door, MIL asked us whether we had done our taxes yet, and H said no, and (just making conversation) mentioned that we were meeting with our CPA the following weekend to get them done.

 

HIS MOTHER FLIPPED OUT. I have never seen someone get so angry over something that had NOTHING to do with herself and was also not an atrocious act of injustice. H found himself arguing with his mother about how we were going to see a CPA (finally) instead of the H&R Block person that SHE has insisted that he see every year. He finally checked out, and literally just walked away from her and started playing on his phone. H has done so much work on "Don't JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), which is the dynamic he has with his mother, and that was all gone in a matter of minutes. She actually called him to yell at him about this decision the day after, and on the day we got our taxes done, and the day after to berate him and tell him how dumb of a decision it was.

 

(Side note, I am sure that his mother thinks seeing a CPA was my idea, and my way of exerting control over her son. In reality, it was H's idea, and I'm so proud of him for making a smart decision for us, even though it goes against his mother's orders.)

 

Once H walked away from his mother, she changed the subject. She started telling me how awful it was for her that we had a small wedding, that her extended family (whom H has never met, and who she never mentioned she wanted to invite in the first place) is so hurt that they weren't invited to our wedding, and they're so mad about it, and boo-hoo it just sucks to be her, I put her in such an awful position with them (because of course H could never do anything wrong, everything is always my fault). As soon as H heard what she was saying he came over and interrupted her mid-sentence to change the subject.

 

HOW LONG AGO DID WE GET MARRIED?? WHY WAS THIS EVEN BEING BROUGHT UP?! There was no purpose in mentioning it except to be an *******.

 

At that point other family members started arriving, so H & I were able to avoid her until dinner.

 

As soon as we sat down for dinner and grace was said, she started in on how this was the first time H was at her house for his birthday since he got married (again, blaming me, and also not taking into consideration that she did in fact see him for his birthday, just not in her own home), until H actually told her to SHUT UP. I couldn't believe it. 1. That H lost his temper like that with his mother and 2. That she was such a miserable bitch the entire time AT HER BELOVED SON'S BIRTHDAY DINNER.

 

Ever since that night, things have gone to ****. MIL calls H at least once a day, often several times a day - and he actually takes most of her calls.

 

He went from respecting our 2x/month boundary for seeing his parents, to seeing them at least once a week, often 3-4x/week (!!!!!). I was so happy that he talked back to her, and then SO DISAPPOINTED that he let her make him feel bad about it.

 

I personally have not seen her since Easter, not as a boycott or to make a point, but because of life in general (although it is a nice added bonus to being so busy right now that I don't have to see her after she was such a miserable so-and-so). I have been in contact with her, like to call her after a small procedure she had done, and so on, just normal, polite things.

 

BUT, she did not wish H & me a happy anniversary, despite talking to H on the phone 3 times that day, and despite emailing me twice that day. I actually asked H if his parents knew it was our anniversary, and he said yes.

 

I'm so angry. I felt like everything was going well for so long, and that H & I had made so much progress, and now I feel like we're back at square 1 - even worse than that actually, because the contact with his mother is out of control, and has never been like this, ever.

Edited May 28, 2014 by lora22

[d0nnivain]

If he wants to see his parents thank heaven he's not making you go. If it's taking time away from your time together say something but otherwise let him deal with her.

 

It sounds like he's stuck in the middle. He wants to do the right thing which is why he told her to back off about the CPA & to shut up during dinner but he'd also like some peace in his life.

[pink_sugar]

I agree that you should be happy he's not forcing you to see his parents as well. Unfortunately, you cannot control how often he sees them, but as long as he does not force you into this as well. It sounds like maybe he has an issue with drawing boundaries with them. You need to sit down and discuss how you are feeling about all of this and how you are disappointed that he is not sticking to his promises and boundaries.

[down hearted]

I understand you so much on this issue i have a horrible MIL, and it is just her my FIL does not get in it at ALL it is just all her. When it comes to anyone's parents who have a decent relationship you can not tell them to not talk to them as a boundary that is just wrong, now as long as you don't have to deal with them that should be fine. You can not control him not keeping in touch with his parents as long as it has nothing to do with you and as long as you don't have to be there when he does see them or talk to them. At least he is dealing with his parents on his own that should be a good thing.

[Tayla]

For the OP, you are doing well by staying away. Sounds like listening skills in an objective way is not clear for the persons involved in social interactions.

 

Not a fan of the "shut up" portion. That cross's a major disrespect level.

 

When a persons conveys disappointment, validate it. When a person says Gosh you haven't been here since blah blah date, take it as a compliment, They missed you! This twisting things that can easily be remedied is at the heart of this family interruption.

 

Sounds like small steps to heal this family interlude are in order. A simple- Gee I didnt know that X wanted to come to the wedding, sounds like they support our marriage. Thats good to know.

 

Lots of giving and gentle taking is in order, I hope in time things can mend. I have existed on both sides and can say neither side is pleasant, yet it took lots of new skills to change the language and actions at family events.

[lora22]

His parents live an hour away, so seeing them even once a week, not to mention every other day, is a strain, given we both work about 60 hours a week, and have other responsibilities on top of that.

[down hearted]

His parents live an hour away, so seeing them even once a week, not to mention every other day, is a strain, given we both work about 60 hours a week, and have other responsibilities on top of that.

 

You do have to spend time with each other in your marriage not just work all the time and then the little free time that is left spending it with the inlaws, i can understand where you are coming from. Difficult inlaws are hard to change, i have noticed at least in my own marriage the whole boundaries goes out the window no matter how many times you tell them, they act like they didn't hear it, sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't my MIL has no shame lets just say that even if you tell her she still behaves like a child, so i can understand, you shouldn't have to go over to your inlaws every other day that is insane i would not be able to handle that o no.