My girl cheated on me!

[Goga]

Hi,

 

Yesterday I found out that my girlfriend of 1 year, cheated on me. Well, we took some time apart (a break) where I asked her to give me some time to take care of my business situation, and asked if I could take some break to get everything in order. She runs off and sleeps with her EX. She claims it was an accident, and says that she was out of her mind, and was pissed off at me, and was not thikning straight, and her Ex manipulated her, telling her that I am an a**h***, and they should get back together, or something like that.

 

Now she is crying, and said that she will kill herself If I leave her alone?

 

yesterday she drove to my house at 3 am, and she came inside and started crying , and begging for forgiveness...

 

I don't know what to do. I really want to forgive her, but that was really stupid of her. She says to give her one more final chance, so she can prove her love and devotion for me? But if she loves me, would she do that? I understand I asked for a temporary break, but it was not a permanent break up....

 

I don't know what to do

[catt]

There is no such thing as a "temporary" break. A break is a break is a break. If things were going just fine, you wouldn't have wanted a break, right? You can't blame her for taking your request seriously.

 

If you were broken up, for whatever amount of time, she had the right to see whomever she chose whenever she chose to. I don't think sleeping with someone else was where she went wrong. Her mistake was in telling you about it.

 

She didn't literally 'cheat' on you anyway. You essentially set her free when you requested a break. Remember that before you write her off for good.

[Tony T]

I have never heard of a couple breaking up temporarily so the guy could take care of a business matter. However, if she agreed to remain sexually faithful as one of the conditions of such a separation, then there has been a breach of trust.

 

However, her extreme emotional response to this situation indicates an undue amount of guilt and psychological instability. That instability may have been the cause of the indiscretion in the first place.

 

I think you need to make a serious evaluation of her mental stability and perhaps report her state to the appropriate authorities. At this point, you cannot be taken emotional hostage by a lady who threatens suicide if you don't get back with her.

 

That's certainly not the basis for a great relationship. Whether or not you can forgive or forget the cheating depends on how both of you ultimately view the act in the context of how she understood the structure of the separation.

 

I really don't think her regard for you could have been all that great if she was so easilly coaxed into a sexual experience, unless it was all part of this psychological instability. It could have been drive by anger or a grudge against you if she didn't feel good about this break up. She needs help fast...and I don't think you need to be in her life at this time.

 

Take suicide threats very seriously...but short of reporting them to appropriate authorities or social agencies...you are not in responsiblie for your ex's life.

 

I personally see a break up, temporarily or permanent, as a release of the parties to conduct their lives as single, unattached individuals. That is why your decision on this matter has to be predicated on how she saw it.

 

I also have to think that for her to tell you about it, there was a compelling reason why she wanted to piss you off...or, again, she's got real problems.

[Ed]

I will be glad to give you my advice. Before going on about it, I would like to know something.

 

How did you actually find out this happened? Who started this revealing discussion? Who asked who if the other screwed around?

[Goga]

Well, this is the story, about a week ago, we had an argument about us not spending enough time together. Well, I have been busy lately, because I changed my job, and had to go on 3 different trips for 3 or more days. Well, I told her that I was undertaking this very important project in my career. Then she started telling me that it might be the beginning of the end, and she said that i don't care about her any more. Well, I suggested that we take a break, for a few months, so that my transition to the new job and the project would not stand in between us. We used to spend a lot of time together, at least we would meet 3-4 times during week, and most of the weekends. Due to my situation, I was able to see her maybe for 3-4 hours, once or twice a week - had to work on weekends too. So she thought that seeing me under these circumstances was not very fulfilling for her, and I agreed with her, and that is why I suggested to take a break, not see each other for a while, and then get back together. We parted on that note. We still called each other few times a week. And yesterday she called and told me that she got together with her EX, who supposedly is her friend, and who supposedly provides her with advice, and they ended up sleeping with each other....

 

That's the story

[Ed]

That definitely sounded like a breakup to me. Maybe you should have been more specific on the ground rules of the breakup. It does not sound like she cheated, in the classic sense.

 

Let's look at this from both sides:

 

I can appreciate the fact that you are ambitious when it comes to your career. You are certainly putting your work ahead of the relationship. If that is what is important to you at this time in your life, so be it! When you get to where you want to be (which, by the way, you may never) then you will have time for a relationship with someone. If she is still around, you can try to make something out of it. If not, there will be other women who will be glad to share in your success.

 

From her perspective (according to you) she was not feeling satisfied with the state of the relationship. (Now I am speculating) She may have seen your work ethic as a lack of commitment to her and to the relationship. If you are willing to put things on hold now, how does she know you won't put things on hold again later. She may want a man that is more dedicated to the relationship than to his work.

 

I'm still wondering if you directly asked her if she slept with her ex or did she just volunteer this information.

[Goga]

She said everything to me, called and revealed, and is sorry for it. I have no intentin to lose this girl, I was just thinking that what she did was really messed up. It's like when something happens in a relationship, a temporary discord or whatever, and then you run to your ex and sleep with him, saying that she was out of her mind, what if she does it again, when let's say next time i am on a business trip, and she will think that I abandoned her or something.

 

I would not even allow a possibility of her doing that, otherwise I guess would have stated explicitly "WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP WITH OUR EX's"

 

Well, she wants to be back with me, and I just think that what she did was very lame, but I think I will forgive her this misconduct, and see where it goes.

 

I am not intending to marry her, but I guess after what she did, I would seriously doubt that she could make a faithful wife, and a good mother

 

Thanks

 

That definitely sounded like a breakup to me. Maybe you should have been more specific on the ground rules of the breakup. It does not sound like she cheated, in the classic sense. Let's look at this from both sides: I can appreciate the fact that you are ambitious when it comes to your career. You are certainly putting your work ahead of the relationship. If that is what is important to you at this time in your life, so be it! When you get to where you want to be (which, by the way, you may never) then you will have time for a relationship with someone. If she is still around, you can try to make something out of it. If not, there will be other women who will be glad to share in your success. From her perspective (according to you) she was not feeling satisfied with the state of the relationship. (Now I am speculating) She may have seen your work ethic as a lack of commitment to her and to the relationship. If you are willing to put things on hold now, how does she know you won't put things on hold again later. She may want a man that is more dedicated to the relationship than to his work. I'm still wondering if you directly asked her if she slept with her ex or did she just volunteer this information.

[Jenn]

I am not intending to marry her, but I guess

after what she did, I would seriously doubt that she could make a faithful wife, and a good mother

Why are you bothering then??? What are you wasting your time and her time. Forget about her, and go find your soul mate, cos you wont find her if your girlfriend is around!!