Why should "the rules" have to change to negate your fears of rejection?

[hotpotato]

Exactly. Perfectly said. Just what I've been saying, if he can't ask me out, he's not right for me. I want a Dominant male.

 

Ditto! I need a man with some cajones.

 

Lets be real. If a man really wants it, he will go after it.

[AD1980]

Sure that's me. I like traditional gender roles. And not in a double standard way, you can see by my posting history that I generally side with men on their issues, it's not a want my cake and eat it too. I was raised not to approach men. I guess it's sort of ingrained in me. I still feel rejection, not from approaching them, but if I like someone and they don't approach me. The type of man I like is Dominant and if they want me they'll ask me out. The guys that are too shy wouldn't be my type anyways.

 

What does it mean when women always say they want a "domianat" man sounds like they want a borderline ahole and to be led and told what to do and be with spoeoen they feel is the superior one in the relationship

[AD1980]

I dont think it wouod solve the problem.

 

People are forgetting that men and women are attracted to each other differently. Honestly, I dont even notice men unless they are really hot. This is especially true if im in I just wanna be alone mode.

 

I wouldnt have noticed most of the guys I dated.

 

What im saying is

 

just because women are approaching doesnt mean any particular man will be approached.

 

 

I had this discussion on a male oriented site. Making women approach more mostly benefits men who for whatever reason are already doing well with women.

 

I agree even as a guy whos paralyzed by fear of approaching women if roles changed it woluldnt be any easier.

 

Women at first glance are not attracted to nearly as many men as vice versa only the hottest guys would be approached ,approaching for non hot men is really the only way for that type of guy to get noticed by a women and if the women likes the guys vibe and perosnality and she also relaizes the hot guys arent approachign her she may give the average guy a chance.

[Anela]

I feel more attraction when a strong interest has been shown in me, from a man that I'm attracted to. I've approached, I've messaged men on sites. online, some men responded kindly, even if they weren't interested, and others ignored. If I pulled a John Cusack, and stood outside a crush's window with a stereo over my head, playing

, I'd be called a stalker. Poor desperate little thing.

 

I also don't feel that attractive if I have to do the chasing: the majority of the time, if a man is interested, he will find a way to express it. I only know of one couple where the wife asked her husband out, because he obviously liked her, but admitted later on that he would have taken a long time to ask her out. Another one told a man that if he wanted to ask her out, now would be the time. She'd known him for a while, and there was a strong attraction - she left it up to him to actually do the pursuing (but on the day they met, he was the one to strike up a conversation).

[jbelle6]

What does it mean when women always say they want a "domianat" man sounds like they want a borderline ahole and to be led and told what to do and be with spoeoen they feel is the superior one in the relationship

 

 

It means I am a 24/7 submissive and I prefer to have D/s relationships.

And my last boyfriend was lovely and in no way an ahole, I am sad we didn't work out. The relationship before that one was an abusive a$$ and it was not D/s, so don't judge.

[TheGuard13]

Umm...

 

WHAT rules?

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I understand that there are generally accepted guidelines, and things that are considered good and bad ideas depending on a given situation...

 

 

But that’s half the problem. The expectation that things must be done a certain way, period.

 

 

 

You can’t complain that someone follows the rules if you yourself follow some sort of “rules” when it comes to dating and such.

 

 

 

It’s weird isn’t it? The people who reject the larger society’s ideals and rules sometimes seem to be the most well-adjusted.

[jbelle6]

Umm...

 

WHAT rules?

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I understand that there are generally accepted guidelines, and things that are considered good and bad ideas depending on a given situation...

 

 

But that’s half the problem. The expectation that things must be done a certain way, period.

 

 

 

You can’t complain that someone follows the rules if you yourself follow some sort of “rules” when it comes to dating and such.

 

 

 

It’s weird isn’t it? The people who reject the larger society’s ideals and rules sometimes seem to be the most well-adjusted.

 

 

 

I think people who do what makes them happy, as long as it doesn't harm others are definitely move well adjusted. Even if it's not "normal". I agree.

[Bruce Leigh]

It’s weird isn’t it? The people who reject the larger society’s ideals and rules sometimes seem to be the most well-adjusted.

 

Ha ha, that's me in a nutshell but in no way would i consider myself to be well-adjusted

[Woggle]

Another thing is that if women want men to approach more of them need to send a message that it is okay to do so. Men have been beaten over the head about street harassment and how women just want to be left alone so many are afraid to even speak to a woman. You can't have a society that tells men to leave women alone then get mad when most men leave women alone.

[jbelle6]

Another thing is that if women want men to approach more of them need to send a message that it is okay to do so. Men have been beaten over the head about street harassment and how women just want to be left alone so many are afraid to even speak to a woman. You can't have a society that tells men to leave women alone then get mad when most men leave women alone.

 

 

 

Well, it depends how it's done, I've had a man follow me down a street till I had to go into a store and get security, that's not good. Walking up to me and handing me a business card telling me to call if I want to get a coffee is fine no?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

What does it mean when women always say they want a "domianat" man sounds like they want a borderline ahole and to be led and told what to do and be with spoeoen they feel is the superior one in the relationship

 

For me it means I want a guy who is assertive and takes charge. It doesn't mean I want to be lead around or want to be seen as inferior. A more dominant man is less likely to put up with my s*t or be a doormat. I have a very strong-willed personality and I'm usually the one who dominates in pretty much all other aspects of my life. I don't want to have to dominate my relationship too.

[Woggle]

Well, it depends how it's done, I've had a man follow me down a street till I had to go into a store and get security, that's not good. Walking up to me and handing me a business card telling me to call if I want to get a coffee is fine no?

 

It is very vague and blurred. I have literally heard from some that smiling at a woman is a form of assault. I have actually read that. I think many men just have no more desire to navigate the minefield anymore.

[jbelle6]

Maybe we're weirdos here in Canada but we say hello and smile to everyone we pass pretty much where I live.

That's sad if some places are that hostile.

[Woggle]

Maybe we're weirdos here in Canada but we say hello and smile to everyone we pass pretty much where I live.

That's sad if some places are that hostile.

 

I think it might be the US. I was recently in the Caribbean on a cruise and I couldn't believe how nicer people were. It's also the fact that gender relations right now at least in America are at a very low point so simply smiling at a woman can be considered an act of harassment.

[jbelle6]

I think it might be the US. I was recently in the Caribbean on a cruise and I couldn't believe how nicer people were. It's also the fact that gender relations right now at least in America are at a very low point so simply smiling at a woman can be considered an act of harassment.

 

 

That is so insane. I honestly didn't know that. Up here you have to really harass someone, like the guy I mentioned who wouldn't go away, I was genuinely scared. But a "good morning" and a smile or giving a business card or something? I was in Ireland last summer and if you are on a patio or in a restaurant enjoying a pint and there are empty chairs and no tables left, strangers will just sit down with you so you can always count on a decent conversation, I love that. Would need to be a pretty mean and miserable person to consider a smile harassment. I wouldn't approach people either if it was like that.

[Bruce Leigh]

I think it might be the US. I was recently in the Caribbean on a cruise and I couldn't believe how nicer people were. It's also the fact that gender relations right now at least in America are at a very low point so simply smiling at a woman can be considered an act of harassment.

 

The UK is getting to be like that. I hate the fact trends that start in the US eventually find their way over the shores. Seen it countless times over the years.

[Woggle]

That is so insane. I honestly didn't know that. Up here you have to really harass someone, like the guy I mentioned who wouldn't go away, I was genuinely scared. But a "good morning" and a smile or giving a business card or something? I was in Ireland last summer and if you are on a patio or in a restaurant enjoying a pint and there are empty chairs and no tables left, strangers will just sit down with you so you can always count on a decent conversation, I love that. Would need to be a pretty mean and miserable person to consider a smile harassment. I wouldn't approach people either if it was like that.

 

Most people aren't that extreme but much of America is a keep to yourself and never make eye contact kind of society and that is especially true when it comes to men and women. I once saw a guy get screamed at for trying to tell a woman she dropped her phone which she did.

[ChooseTruth]

I've seen a lot of threads and heard a lot of talk - especially since the Isla Vista shooting - about how more women should start approaching men, namely because men are "tired" of facing rejection. But why is this so? Why should women have to accommodate a select few men and alleviate their phobias by going against standard practice and what some might argue is human nature?

 

Saying nothing of the fact that many women who approach men first are often seen - sometimes even by the men themselves - as too aggressive, desperate, predatory or masculine. I can't tell you how many times I've been told it's emasculating or a "turn off".

 

To say more women should start approaching also means one has to operate under the assumption that if a woman approaches, she will not get rejected. It sort of implies that men would never reject any woman who came onto them which I think we all know is categorically untrue.

 

Personally, I have no problem showing interest, flirting etc, nor do I have an aversion to approaching men out of "fear" but it certainly doesn't make me feel feminine either. And frankly, if a guy is too timid to approach me, we probably wouldn't be a good fit anyway.

 

 

So I ask, how does this solve anyone's problem?

 

I've approached plenty of women...but things seem to work better when they approach me. Go figure. I think women control the scene anyway by giving cues. It's not like I never reject women, I've done plenty of that....recently even with one I initially approached.

 

My point is the rules aren't changing to negate my fears of rejection. It might just be that women who don't fear rejection themselves get what they want more often. In fact, there was an okcupid article that said exactly that....can't seem to find it now but yeah.

 

The woman I'm dating now approached me first. She had been getting flooded with emails from guys(90+ in a few days). I wonder if I had messaged first if she would have even noticed. I think I actually saw her profile but thought she lived too far. When she messaged me, she revealed more info about herself that made her much more attractive to me so I bit and actually dropped someone else I had been talking to...someone I had approached first.

 

I say if you are interested, go for it regardless of fear of failure or gender.

 

If she hadn't approached me nothing would have happened...and not because I was too timid to approach her. She faced her own fears of rejection and found a guy that is masculine enough to not be threatened by her "masculine" move. If guys really reject women for that reason...really? How insecure is that?

[PJKino]

I havent approached a women in years i just see no benefit in doing it since it usually ends up with a women i approach trying to eyeball her friend to help her get her way from the covnersation with me which embarrases the hell out of me.

 

I also get that if the rules changed it wouldnt help me because im not the type of guy women are physcially attracted to,if women did the approaching only the hottest men would be targeted since women have such a anrrow strict view of whats physically atractive in a man

[Anela]

I havent approached a women in years i just see no benefit in doing it since it usually ends up with a women i approach trying to eyeball her friend to help her get her way from the covnersation with me which embarrases the hell out of me.

 

I also get that if the rules changed it wouldnt help me because im not the type of guy women are physcially attracted to,if women did the approaching only the hottest men would be targeted since women have such a anrrow strict view of whats physically atractive in a man

 

This isn't true. I'm semi-crushing on a man who is around 5'8, a single dad, runs his own business doing what he loves. He's a book-lover, loves animals, is a great dad. I find him a lot more attractive than some men you might think I would prefer.

[Keenly]

This isn't true. I'm semi-crushing on a man who is around 5'8, a single dad, runs his own business doing what he loves. He's a book-lover, loves animals, is a great dad. I find him a lot more attractive than some men you might think I would prefer.

 

Ask him out.

[Anela]

Ask him out.

 

I was going to, but my life has been a mess, and he doesn't need that - neither does his child.

[Keenly]

I was going to, but my life has been a mess, and he doesn't need that - neither does his child.

 

Is it really that bad?

[PJKino]

This isn't true. I'm semi-crushing on a man who is around 5'8, a single dad, runs his own business doing what he loves. He's a book-lover, loves animals, is a great dad. I find him a lot more attractive than some men you might think I would prefer.

 

But you know him already if he cold approached you would you be attracted?

[Anela]

But you know him already if he cold approached you would you be attracted?

 

Yes, I would.