Awkward Crush on Me is..awkward

[zebracolors]

Recently where I work brought on a new employee. Being the calm, friendly person I am, I was helping to train him. In the three months he's been there, we became friends and have hung out outside of work but only out to public places like movies, and chat over coffee and I even took him once to meet some other friends. But I think this guy might not have much of a social life aside from me. His English speaking and comprehension is only about 50%, so I have a feeling that contributes alot to his being very introverted, at least when interacting with English speakers.

 

And I've been helping him with advice on his goals of completing his education and improving his English. so I think all the attention I've been giving him is filling a void and he started to be infatuated with me, wanting time with me, etc. I am glad to help him with stuff. But the problem is he thinks he's "in love" (borderline obsessive?)with me and has said as much, texting me things like to say "I love you" or "don't abandon me". But he wouldn't understand if i told him he's just infatuated with me and doesn't know me well enough to love me. I've told him more than once I don't feel the same about him and I date other men. And its actually getting a little uncomfortable and awkward interacting with him because I don't want to send any signals he mistakes as feelings for him.

 

I have been trying to limit time with him outside work so that he will eventually get the message, but I can't really avoid him at work though. And I am trying to find another job anyway. So what would you do in my situation?

[todreaminblue]

I would introduce him to others....friendly people who would be understanding enough to know that he is just entering social circles.....i would be there with him, i would be honest and say i am dating others , i can be your friend and nothing more and that i would like to be his friend......if he became harrassing in nature i would give him a chance to check himself......i would match him on likes and dislikes with others with a compassionate nature, i woudl listen to what eh did say however stilted i woudl ask questions, it would become something i had to do......

 

 

 

i would offer to take him to church.......where all are welcome....i would take him on.......not discard.......and i would never be cruel......or thoughtless...i would match make with similar people i would find out what activities he liked and when they were on......but thats me......and i have done this...i find it rewarding.......and guys do develop feelings for me......always have.....i do what i have to do ...to redirect....no one however hard....should be left to feel alone......says a recluse....sometimes i need a break if that is when they are around i explain why i need a break......i have had guys liek this who struggled and they find me and i show them and itroduce them and often they move on....which i am very happy that they can and that somehow in some little way i touched them enough that they could....compassion is beautiful and when someone sees it it is easy for them to want to have that compassion around them an din them ....and to love them too.i often develop crushes with compassionate people.....it is what attracts me in the first place....that or i need to help them find compassion in others....its why i date volunteers and guys who help others or fight for others....mainly i date fighters so i can have balance in my life, someone who says no when i cant or who fights for me when i dont....i need a strong person and i explain that to guys who fall in love with me and the compassion i have.......deb

[littleplanet]

Recently where I work brought on a new employee. Being the calm, friendly person I am, I was helping to train him. In the three months he's been there, we became friends and have hung out outside of work but only out to public places like movies, and chat over coffee and I even took him once to meet some other friends. But I think this guy might not have much of a social life aside from me. His English speaking and comprehension is only about 50%, so I have a feeling that contributes alot to his being very introverted, at least when interacting with English speakers.

 

And I've been helping him with advice on his goals of completing his education and improving his English. so I think all the attention I've been giving him is filling a void and he started to be infatuated with me, wanting time with me, etc. I am glad to help him with stuff. But the problem is he thinks he's "in love" (borderline obsessive?)with me and has said as much, texting me things like to say "I love you" or "don't abandon me". But he wouldn't understand if i told him he's just infatuated with me and doesn't know me well enough to love me. I've told him more than once I don't feel the same about him and I date other men. And its actually getting a little uncomfortable and awkward interacting with him because I don't want to send any signals he mistakes as feelings for him.

 

I have been trying to limit time with him outside work so that he will eventually get the message, but I can't really avoid him at work though. And I am trying to find another job anyway. So what would you do in my situation?

 

This is rather a sad situation.

Out of the goodness of your heart you've done an awful lot for this guy - without ever sending him any signals that you were interested in him in any way other than friendship.

He probably has a hard time understanding that (cultural? - or otherwise.)

 

Getting to that point where you feel you have to pull back can seem cruel - but it's a bad show all around if he is feeling things that just cannot be reciprocated.

Many (most) people in the workplace would not even risk such a thing.

He needs to know it's not a good thing to take advantage of your good graces.

But how is he to learn that?

Unless you can bring that point home to him - you could wind up having to be tougher than you want to be....for your own sake.

 

Needy and clingy just has no ultimately positive outcome.

 

Ultimately, you can not be the answer to the problem of his lonliness.

He has to solve that some other way.

No matter what the cross-cultural confusions might be - a good person can still understand this.

It is that moral persuasion that hopefully will solve the issue.

 

Funny thing - this can happen all the time even without the cross-cultural confusions......it is a human thing, after all.

But I still think the same rules apply.

We can't be guilted into going against our own grain.

 

Ultimately - he is not your work in progress.

He's his own man.

As gently (but firmly) as you can get that across - will do him no harm.

It would be great if the friendship survives.....

but it may not.

(And that ball should be entirely in his court.)

 

The fact that this also exists in your workplace is a tricky thing.

Not the best way to create distance.

But on the other hand, a work environment is a good place to lay down firm ground rules.

 

You might try taking him out for coffee - once - sitting him down and having a good talk with him about exactly where your boundaries are, and need to be - stating your case (yeah I know - you've probably already done this.)

 

Bottom line.

Ultimately you'll move on (especially if you land that new job) with or without the friendship.

If that leaves him with a broken heart - then like anybody else, he'll have to figure out how to get over it.

He's not a wounded sparrow with a broken wing. He's just a little deluded.

Maintaining any delusion (on compassionate grounds?) can be the cruelest thing of all.

(but you already know that.)

 

Good luck with this!