Can't answer friends with benefits problem

[soapy]

alright were to start lol... well i have a friends with benefits relationship that became basically a bf/gf relationship without the title. I always wanted a relationship, but she never did. (according to her she did at one time, but not anymore.) I ended up getting hooked on this girl like most friends with benefits relationships do. About a month ago she started messing around with a old friend of hers and it caused alot of conflict with us. I think she got tired of the drama. So basically she wants to be just friends.

 

I told her that it was ok and that I could deal with being just friends. We ended up having sex the week after that and found out that she didnt want to. She wouldn't even kiss me anymore. That really botherd me that she wouldnt kiss me anymore. But I learned to deal with it. The following weekend I was content with not having sex, but she ended up initiating it, so I went with it. I really like this girl, we talk everyday, but things just aren't like it used to be. I'm not sure if I should stop having sex with her completely, but then she'll get it else where or what. I like to get over her but not exactly sure since were friends. I like to get a gf but have no luck in bars, or atleast never got the balls to talk to them. I don't know if I should stop trying, don't make plans with her on the weekends, stop having sex, dont talk to her everyday??... All my friends are very biased since they know the situation. And just recently she has been talking to an old fling. I'd still like to be friends, and have sex, and not care but I think that might be too good to be true. I'm not sure how to overcome my problem of being clingy after I have sex with a person. Sometimes I feel like im too nice, and the nice guys never win. The only way i've been able to get over my ex's is to find someone else. And it seems like everytime I get clingy they take off. So im not sure what to do anymore, I can't ask for my friends advice cause they can screw girl after girl like they are toys. They just tell me grow some balls.

 

So I need to figure out if I turn down the sex (what guy wants to turn down sex?) and say i just want to be friends, and have her screw some other guy, or have sex and then she has sex with some other guy eventually. hmmm... lol... LOVE SUCKS! Any comments or help is greatly appreciated thanks!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

You have a choice: stay in this hurtful situation or leave it. It isn't going to change or get better no matter what you do. You can stay with this girl and say "no more sex", but I think she knows that she can get it from you one way or the other. If she can't seduce it out of you, she'll use emotional blackmail until she gets it from you. That is, if she cares enough about the game to keep playing it. It could be a matter of "no more sex" and then she'll just drift away completely. That would be painful, but ideal. What you will need to do is to find your way out, on your own.

 

The problem isn't that you keep finding the wrong women - the problem is that you don't have it in you to be happy on your own, so you hold them responsible for your happiness. No one likes that, and unless they are particularly masochistic they aren't going to stick around. Women like men who are confident, able to be independently happy, and emotionally secure. They might like the ones who aren't: but they like those mostly for their "fix-up" potential (meaning they are selfishly motivated by their own needs to fix you, not motivated to date you for you). If they can't be fixed up, though - it won't be long before the charity stops.

 

So, the dilemma. What to do. What you do not want to do is to drag all this pain and hurt you have from relationship to relationship. It will destroy every relationship you try to have. You'll need to find a way to drop that evil baggage first, before looking around for someone else. You'll have to suck it up and tell this FWB woman that you can't see her anymore. Do you have a counselor or something there where you are to help you out with some of the issues you have? I have a feeling once you find that you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet emotionally, that you'll find yourself in much happier relationships.

[wildanduntamed]

OK, Before I even start on this one, I will let you know now that I am gonna be honest and possibly brutal, so if you aren't ready for that, skip my post now...

 

Alright, if you have read thus far, I will assume that you are able to take whatever I may throw at you here...Here goes...

 

First of all, in my book, FWB is just a cheap shot way of saying that either you guys are VERY footloose and fancy free, or that you are just horn dogs and that you don't care how you get it, so long as you are getting some.

 

If sex is such a big deal to a person in love, how can you just throw it in the wind and basically screw anyone to fill a need. If things are that bad, go get yourself some supplies and spend some time alone, if you get my drift... To be in a relationship of that magnitude should speak volumes about how much you love that person. If you are not in love with them in that way, why play with fire? End result is that you'll both get burned.

 

Next, to say that she is talking with an old fling, and that you are unsure about continuing with the current activities, I say STEP AWAY !!! If she is telling you that she only wants to be your friend, and she appears to be moving onward, or back, depending on how you look at it, LET HER. If not, you will be faced with the added drama of interfering with her relationships, and I can pretty much guarentee that you do not want that. Maybe the confusion she feels in going back to you is due in part to those actions.

 

A possible solution could be to force yourself to spend less time with her, or to be in places with other friends, or in situations that keep you guys from getting physical. You will have to realy work at this I think, since you are so used to that fringe benefit, but the more you digress, the better it will be for all involved.

 

Think about how you would feel if you met a girl, and things seemed that they would work out great, and she found that you and this girl were still sleeping together, or that you had intentions of doing so...chances are that your relationship would be doomed before it begins.

 

Not only that, but part of your problem in not having luck with the ladies could be because people talk. You say that your friends all know the situation, I would bet that their lips have not been 100% sealed on it, and that word has gotten out. Now, speaking from the female point of view here, I know that if a guy approached me, or showed interest, and I knew there was a FWB history, then I'd be very hesitant to go with him, simply because it shows a lack of respect, poor judgement, and not a lot of maturity. And never mind the fact that no matter what (if any ) protection was used, you still share everyone's sexual partner history that ever was had. We won't even get started on that.

 

So I guess what it all boils down to here is that if you are serious about moving on, and she appears to be as well in talking with this other fellow, then you will have to overcome the urges and rid yourself of this addiction of sorts.

 

Only when you can do this will you be able to truly care for a girl in that worth.

 

BTW it isn't love that sucks, this is not love, sure you may care for her as a friend, but if you really loved each other, you would not be FWB, you'd be partners in a loving relationship.

 

Get out now while you still have some self worth left, the reason I know you do, is because you had sense enough to feel the guilt here and ask the question.

 

Good Luck.

[soapy]

I wanna say thanks for the quick and awesome reply's. This is my first time ever doing this, and I never thought strangers would actually spend their time to help someone else. It's truely great. I think Lucrezia hit it right on the button. It's just really hard to say no, to me its like someone asking if I want $100 for free. Its like who wouldnt turn that down. But I know if I continue my ways I will end up getting hurt even more. I like most people have that hope in my mind that she might learn to love me, but realisticly i know it wont happen. Im actually contemplating in having sex one more time, but I know ill keep saying that. Im just not ready to stop, but its gonna eat me alive emotionally. The thing that sucks is I know what to do in my head, its just letting my heart follow seems impossible.