xMM and boyfriend in bar brawl, started by the wife.

[Ailsa1983]

I was a MOW involved with MM big age difference (almost 20 years) we were caught after 18 months, and the sh*t hit the fan. I got divorced as I realised I didn't love my husband I was not physical with him before or during the A the attraction was gone we basically lived as room mates for our children.

 

Now almost 2 years later I have a new boyfriend and things were going good until last weekend.

 

We went out to our local bar, I do try to avoid this place as I know MM and his wife often frequent there, but I decided enough is enough it's been so long and the drama has died down I cannot keep avoiding such places out of fear of bumping into her. Anyways as you can imagine they were there, my now boyfriend knows about the A (who doesn't in this small town) we were sitting having a drink waiting on the band starting and I could see MM watching me almost as if he was trying to catch my eye, I did not entertain him. As the night went on and drinks went down suddenly his wife was at our table screaming like the banshee she is calling me all sorts saying I'm trying to flirt with her husband, I'm a sl*t/home wrecker and why don't I just move away (she previously tried to rent me an apartment in another area) my boyfriend told her nice to go away but she kept on going and going by this time everyone was watching and a few were trying to drag her away, I on the other hand just laughed at her and told her to go away I'm not interested in this drama anymore. She would not stop screeching so my boyfriend shouted at her to get a grip of herself and move away from me. Well xMM at this point started shouting at my boyfriend and yes you guessed it they started fighting, they are both big guys over 6'4. The pub was in turmoil by this time people trying to split them up and people trying to drag his wife away before we started at it. My boyfriend threw xMM literally out the window and that was the end of it.

 

Now this is almost 2 years later and I still can't live this whole mess down, xMM called me to apologise and asked for his forgiveness, I didn't realise I still had feelings for him but after that phone call I knew some part of me still did. It is not sexual feeling more of a emotional bond we always had.

 

He prevented his wife from calling the police on my boyfriend as after all it was her fault ! She can't/won't and never will let this go, I know we hurt her beyond anything I could imagine but she choose to forgive she choose to stay married to him!! I will not be walking on egg shells around this town for forever, it's not possible nor feasible. No I will not move either I was born here and all my family live here the same as xMM and his wife's families.

 

I guess I'm just venting and maybe that's why I come across as heartless towards some OW posts who are hurting and in pain. It's not because I mean to be it's because you could be living what I have been living.

Edited May 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads and cleaned up

[GorillaTheater]

Damn tease. I sure wanted to read about this one.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Um. What can I say, don't go to the bar? Be respectful of others people's space? You knew there would be trouble and went anyway. Duh.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well it was you and her husband's creeping around behind her back which caused her to be this upset, what did you expect.

How would you like it if the person you love cheated on you?

 

Yes I'm judgemental of people who trample all over other people's feelings to get what they want, can't stand selfishness.

[Ailsa1983]

Damn tease. I sure wanted to read about this one.

 

It's up there in the OW/OM thread, I sure wish I was talking more of orgasms and squirting

[Ailsa1983]

Well it was you and her husband's creeping around behind her back which caused her to be this upset, what did you expect.

How would you like it if the person you love cheated on you?

 

Yes I'm judgemental of people who trample all over other people's feelings to get what they want, can't stand selfishness.

 

Yep and I take full responsibility for that but as I said it's been nearly 2 years and she has chosen to forgive him and stay married to him, I'm not asking for her forgiveness I don't deserve it but what I do ask for is to live my life without being hounded by her. I have stepped back given her space let her vent at me for long enough without any retaliation and it is not fair to me for her to keep this going especially when she is still married to him.

[GorillaTheater]

After the thread merger, readers are going to wonder what the hell I was talking about, so I'll add this:

 

I'm torn between wondering if this isn't a foreseeable consequence of making the bad choice of being an OW, and being irritated at the wife starting crap that was almost certain to spiral out of control. Maybe a bit of both, but you and your bf certainly weren't in the wrong in this incident.

[Ailsa1983]

Um. What can I say, don't go to the bar? Be respectful of others people's space? You knew there would be trouble and went anyway. Duh.

 

As I said it's been almost 2 years and I will not shy away from areas anymore, I did not know they would be there that evening but as my friend and boyfriend wanted to go see this band I decided yes I will go it is now up to her to behave herself. I will not and should not be expected to not be able to go to my local bar incase she is there, maybe she should deter from going in there from now on incase I am there and she can't control herself.

[Ailsa1983]

After the thread merger, readers are going to wonder what the hell I was talking about, so I'll add this:

 

I'm torn between wondering if this isn't a foreseeable consequence of making the bad choice of being an OW, and being irritated at the wife starting crap that was almost certain to spiral out of control. Maybe a bit of both, but you and your bf certainly weren't in the wrong in this incident.

 

Yeah I think they may be confused by my rather crude comment back at you

 

Yes I agree I don't think we were in the wrong, yes if it was a few weeks or months after d-day then maybe I should have stayed away but this is almost 2 years later. I understand her hatred for me I would most likely be the same, but I am no longer that immature, naive and vulnerable young girl I was when the A started.

[Red123]

Yep and I take full responsibility for that but as I said it's been nearly 2 years and she has chosen to forgive him and stay married to him, I'm not asking for her forgiveness I don't deserve it but what I do ask for is to live my life without being hounded by her. I have stepped back given her space let her vent at me for long enough without any retaliation and it is not fair to me for her to keep this going especially when she is still married to him.

 

I agree with you. The betrayal is extremely painful as a BS but after two years of you not engaging with her H at all she is hurting herself by not moving forward. If you were still in contact with her H or bothering them I could see her being upset but that seems extreme. She is obviously still hurting and maybe not convinced that her H is done with you, the booze certainly doesn't help these situations. I don't agree with what you did with her H but I do believe that people can change and should be allowed to move forward in a good life. Maybe you will be able to go back to that bar with your new boyfriend now because if I was her I would never be able to return after that mess.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, it's true that she decided to stay with him and does need to either let go of it or leave him.

 

 

Yep and I take full responsibility for that but as I said it's been nearly 2 years and she has chosen to forgive him and stay married to him, I'm not asking for her forgiveness I don't deserve it but what I do ask for is to live my life without being hounded by her. I have stepped back given her space let her vent at me for long enough without any retaliation and it is not fair to me for her to keep this going especially when she is still married to him.

[HeavenOrHell]

She may have sussed that you still have feelings for him, which you said you do?

Could he still have feelings for you? Maybe this is why she can't let go?

[Sub]

It's just a bad mix: A reconciling couple, alcohol, and the OW with her new BF. I'm not saying she was in the right, but we're talking the perfect storm of variables here.

[GorillaTheater]

I didn't realise I still had feelings for him but after that phone call I knew some part of me still did. It is not sexual feeling more of a emotional bond we always had.

 

This, however, bears watching. Feelings can be hard to get a grip on, and you sound smart enough not to dragged back into a bad situation, but like I said, be aware. And smart.

[Snowflower]

Yep and I take full responsibility for that but as I said it's been nearly 2 years and she has chosen to forgive him and stay married to him,

 

Just remember, just because she has stayed with him doesn't mean all her negative feelings have disappeared. It's really insulting to a BS to hear, "well you stayed with your spouse so put up and shut up." She is still hurting. They say it takes 2-5 years for a BS to heal from infidelity. It took me about 4 years and I think I got easy in the A-drama department.

I'm not asking for her forgiveness I don't deserve it but what I do ask for is to live my life without being hounded by her. I have stepped back given her space let her vent at me for long enough without any retaliation and it is not fair to me for her to keep this going especially when she is still married to him.

 

So if she wasn't married to him then she would have more of a right to her feelings? I'm not sure what you mean.

 

I completely agree that you should be able to live your life, go where you please and do your thing without her interference. She made a fool of herself by approaching you that night. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help. I'm in no way defending her behavior.

 

But don't you think that you might have instigated things a bit when you openly laughed at her? No one, when they are upset, wants to be laughed at. It is making a mockery of their feelings.

 

Please examine your own behavior in the situation, and that of the xMM, getting in your BF's face. How charming. It wasn't just his wife's fault.

[Ailsa1983]

My whole point of sharing this thread was to other OW because they have the opportunity to let it go before it turns nasty before it affects their lives. After d-day I was humiliated, I locked myself away, I went through a bad divorce and lots of confrontations with his wife. I know she is still angry and by reading on the infidelity section I realise that reconciliation can take upto 5 years. I think maybe it was the shock of seeing me after so long as I have always avoided her at all costs after our confrontations after d-day so maybe in her eyes I sprung myself upon them unexpectantly. My friends always drink that bar and I usually decline offers to go, much to their dismay but I wasn't ready to finally see her. After my boyfriend begging me to go along I succumbed, I maybe should have just left when she came up to us but I felt an anger that I was entitled to be there just as much as she was.

[Ailsa1983]

This, however, bears watching. Feelings can be hard to get a grip on, and you sound smart enough not to dragged back into a bad situation, but like I said, be aware. And smart.

 

No no I think it was just strange to be talking to him again, it is not a sexual feeling more of a friendship, I don't know how to explain it. I will NEVER go through that sordid mess ever again. After the humiliation and custody battle with xH I can 1000% guarantee I will never go back there, I also told him on the phone not to contact me again and I told him he best tell his wife he called, I also said I was grateful for him not involving the police and that was that.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, laughing at the BS wasn't the wisest thing..

 

 

 

Just remember, just because she has stayed with him doesn't mean all her negative feelings have disappeared. It's really insulting to a BS to hear, "well you stayed with your spouse so put up and shut up." She is still hurting. They say it takes 2-5 years for a BS to heal from infidelity. It took me about 4 years and I think I got easy in the A-drama department.

 

 

So if she wasn't married to him then she would have more of a right to her feelings? I'm not sure what you mean.

 

I completely agree that you should be able to live your life, go where you please and do your thing without her interference. She made a fool of herself by approaching you that night. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help. I'm in no way defending her behavior.

 

But don't you think that you might have instigated things a bit when you openly laughed at her? No one, when they are upset, wants to be laughed at. It is making a mockery of their feelings.

 

Please examine your own behavior in the situation, and that of the xMM, getting in your BF's face. How charming. It wasn't just his wife's fault.

[Snowflower]

My whole point of sharing this thread was to other OW because they have the opportunity to let it go before it turns nasty before it affects their lives. After d-day I was humiliated, I locked myself away, I went through a bad divorce and lots of confrontations with his wife. I know she is still angry and by reading on the infidelity section I realise that reconciliation can take upto 5 years. I think maybe it was the shock of seeing me after so long as I have always avoided her at all costs after our confrontations after d-day so maybe in her eyes I sprung myself upon them unexpectantly. My friends always drink that bar and I usually decline offers to go, much to their dismay but I wasn't ready to finally see her. After my boyfriend begging me to go along I succumbed, I maybe should have just left when she came up to us but I felt an anger that I was entitled to be there just as much as she was.

 

My apologies. I misunderstood the direction of your thread and will stop posting since I am not an OW.

 

I do hope that you will continue to go to that bar when you feel like going. The xMM and his wife don't have dibs on it.

 

Good luck!

[Ailsa1983]

Just remember, just because she has stayed with him doesn't mean all her negative feelings have disappeared. It's really insulting to a BS to hear, "well you stayed with your spouse so put up and shut up." She is still hurting. They say it takes 2-5 years for a BS to heal from infidelity. It took me about 4 years and I think I got easy in the A-drama department.

 

 

So if she wasn't married to him then she would have more of a right to her feelings? I'm not sure what you mean.

 

I completely agree that you should be able to live your life, go where you please and do your thing without her interference. She made a fool of herself by approaching you that night. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help. I'm in no way defending her behavior.

 

But don't you think that you might have instigated things a bit when you openly laughed at her? No one, when they are upset, wants to be laughed at. It is making a mockery of their feelings.

 

Please examine your own behavior in the situation, and that of the xMM, getting in your BF's face. How charming. It wasn't just his wife's fault.

 

 

The laughing her in her face was more my nervousness of the situation I really didn't know what to say back to her, what could I say ? If I said go away she would probably say "make me" and if I told her I'm not listening she would tell me to listen - see ?

[Ailsa1983]

My apologies. I misunderstood the direction of your thread and will stop posting since I am not an OW.

 

I do hope that you will continue to go to that bar when you feel like going. The xMM and his wife don't have dibs on it.

 

Good luck!

 

By all means stay sunflower I like your input on things and maybe this thread could help both bs and ow.

[cocorico]

My whole point of sharing this thread was to other OW because they have the opportunity to let it go before it turns nasty before it affects their lives. After d-day I was humiliated, I locked myself away, I went through a bad divorce and lots of confrontations with his wife. I know she is still angry and by reading on the infidelity section I realise that reconciliation can take upto 5 years. I think maybe it was the shock of seeing me after so long as I have always avoided her at all costs after our confrontations after d-day so maybe in her eyes I sprung myself upon them unexpectantly. My friends always drink that bar and I usually decline offers to go, much to their dismay but I wasn't ready to finally see her. After my boyfriend begging me to go along I succumbed, I maybe should have just left when she came up to us but I felt an anger that I was entitled to be there just as much as she was.

 

It seems whichever way the A works out, this is a risk. Here you have a "reconciled" BW acting out years after the A. In our case, a BW whose XH left her similarly hasn't moved on - more than 6 years after he left her. It seems that remains a risk, however long after the A, with some BW, whether the MM stays with them or leaves them.

 

We live in a tiny village, close to a small town. We are regulars at several venues on the live music scene, where we are social friends with the landlord and many of the performers. We also frequent the local community centre and the theatre, and eat out at the decent restaurants. In a small place it is inevitable that you will bump into others - my H has worked here for decades, and most of his colleagues live in the area, and most of our network of local friends are in the area, so we are always meeting people we know. In the early days after the split, she would sometimes go out and would see us, create a scene, and leave flamboyantly. These days it seems she simply doesn't go out unless she knows we're away. It's sad to have to live like that, but I guess if you're unwilling to let go and move on with your life then the risk of seeing your xH is going to spoil your evening.

 

It's a bit of an indictment of the company you're with, though, if your attention is on another people in a crowded venue rather than on the people you're with. If she really was reconciled, why was she even paying you the slightest attention - and why was he - rather than focusing on each other?

[harrybrown]

How is your ex H and the kids?

 

All doing well now?

[Ailsa1983]

How is your ex H and the kids?

 

All doing well now?

 

Yeah everything is good, we didn't go through the courts (it was threatened and proceedings had started) but we both knew it was his anger at me (which is quite right) but it wasn't the right choice for our children. We are amicable and even spent last Christmas together as a family unit, he is still hurt and angry more at not being with his kids every evening than my infidelity as he knew our marriage was finished years prior to my A.

[whichwayisup]

xMM called me to apologise and asked for his forgiveness, I didn't realise I still had feelings for him but after that phone call I knew some part of me still did. It is not sexual feeling more of a emotional bond we always had.

I'm more concerned about this. Speaking to him brought up feelings after 2 years of NC. Really hope you get back into NC mode and if he calls you (you should change your cell number or block him) ignore him.

 

What has your boyfriend said about all this? I take it he didn't know of your affair before this incident happened...

 

Try to avoid places where you know she frequents with her husband. For your own sanity and protection. You knew by going there would be a chance she'd be there with him..Just avoid that particular place from now on.