xMM and boyfriend in bar brawl, started by the wife.

[GreySkyMorning]

Try to avoid places where you know she frequents with her husband. For your own sanity and protection. You knew by going there would be a chance she'd be there with him..Just avoid that particular place from now on.

 

Nonsense. Why does she have to avoid going to a bar that she enjoys and that most of her friends frequent just to appease the BW? I'm more of the belief that it's been two years, the bw needs to move on and get over it. If the OP wasn't in the other woman's face and causing trouble, which it sounds like she wasn't, then there was no reason for the drama.

 

I will say that her husband calling to apologize to the OP for his W's behavior definitely shows where his loyalties are at though.

[Ailsa1983]

I'm more concerned about this. Speaking to him brought up feelings after 2 years of NC. Really hope you get back into NC mode and if he calls you (you should change your cell number or block him) ignore him.

 

What has your boyfriend said about all this? I take it he didn't know of your affair before this incident happened...

 

Try to avoid places where you know she frequents with her husband. For your own sanity and protection. You knew by going there would be a chance she'd be there with him..Just avoid that particular place from now on.

 

My boyfriend knew about the affair, as I said I live in a small town, everyone knows about it.

 

No I have hidden from her for long enough if you have read my posts you will see it's been almost 2 years, if she doesn't want to bump into me from now on then she shouldn't go to that pub, I haven't declined for the last 2 years nights out with friends and family solely because I knew she "may" be there. I cannot do this any longer, I have a life and i cannot possibly hide away and let my social life suffer any longer.

[Ailsa1983]

I live near MM and I often see BS in the local shop, well her car, and I go elsewhere. but then I am probably a coward. If you were with someone else though, I do not understand her problem and the time since. It is obvious they are not reconciled and she blames you.

 

I also do this and will probably continue to do so forever, we have had an altercation in a shop before and I do not want a repeat of that (this was a few weeks after d-day) so I always look inside the shop first. But I'm not going to shy away from local social functions anymore, I've hidden long enough from them. Usually I will go out to friends houses or to another town but now the summer is back again out local bar has lots of entertainment on, I didn't want to join them last year as things were still raw but I will this year.

[Artie Lang]

well, being from a "small" town and people knowing what you two did, did you really think this was just gonna go away?

 

i'm not saying you should live like a hermit, but you should be prepared for such unexpected encounters such as these.

 

 

i'm curious... have you told your bf this man this has contacted you and that you still have some residual feelings for him?

[Ailsa1983]

well, being from a "small" town and people knowing what you two did, did you really think this was just gonna go away?

 

i'm not saying you should live like a hermit, but you should be prepared for such unexpected encounters such as these.

 

 

i'm curious... have you told your bf this man this has contacted you and that you still have some residual feelings for him?

 

No I never expected it to go away it won't go away it will still be here in 5-10 years time. However I do expect us both to move on from it.

 

Yes as soon as I was off the phone to xMM I immediately phoned my boyfirend I told him it was odd speaking to him and he asked me how I felt about it, I told him it felt strange after this long and it was almost like old times. I have been completely honest with my boyfriend about the whole A all my emotions and insecurities I have also told him that we have to take things slowly as I'm not quite ready to let myself fall in love again. He understands this, these were conversations we had when we first started dating. I will always be honest and open with any man I have a relationship from now on. He surprised me by saying he understood how I felt speaking with xMM he said I must be quite confused right now after this weekend (with everything being brought back up) I will be expecting him to ask me if I would ever do anything with MM if the occasion arises and my answer will be no, because i won't.

 

It does help that my xMM is starting to look his age and my boyfriend is rather hot, they are complete opposites in nature MM was basically a coward and people pleaser my boyfriend is not, he's upfront and honest and if no-one likes it .. Well tough titties.

Edited May 29, 2014 by Ailsa1983

[Artie Lang]

well, it looks like you're on the right path when it comes to being honest in your relationship(s).

 

as to your problems regarding the BS, i suggest you start looking into legal action such as a RO. who knows how far this person may go on your next confrontation. heaven forbid you run into her while you're with your kids.

[snappytomcat]

wow I guess she doesn't know how to be classy,do you think she had to much to drink?or is this her normal behavior?

sorry you are going through this,i grew up in a small town too,where everyone knew your business,or so they think they do

[Ailsa1983]

well, it looks like you're on the right path when it comes to being honest in your relationship(s).

 

as to your problems regarding the BS, i suggest you start looking into legal action such as a RO. who knows how far this person may go on your next confrontation. heaven forbid you run into her while you're with your kids.

 

No I won't get a RO on her, I think as people said the weekend, drinks, pub and lots if people there may have fuelled it abit. When the A was discovered she barged into my home and knocked one of my toddlers over and I did receive an apology from her for that (it was accidental she was screaming at me and didnt notice my toddler at the door). This is not an excuse however and I held it against her for so long, we had run ins in the shops and the streets.

 

But you are right of course if she continues this kind of behaviour I will have no choice but to inform the police, I don't want this as I feel responsible (as I should) for her behaviour. I highly doubt she would confront me Infront of my kids (I have seen her before when I have been with them and she just walked the other way)

Edited May 29, 2014 by Ailsa1983

[HeavenOrHell]

What would your normal behaviour be if you bumped into your spouse's ex mistress and then she laughed in your face? Not saying I condone the BS's behaviour, but I can see why she reacted like that.

It's also not classy to have an affair with someone who is married.

 

 

wow I guess she doesn't know how to be classy,do you think she had to much to drink?or is this her normal behavior?

sorry you are going through this,i grew up in a small town too,where everyone knew your business,or so they think they do

[HeavenOrHell]

She should really have had a go at her husband, not you >we were sitting having a drink waiting on the band starting and I could see MM watching me almost as if he was trying to catch my eye<

 

He's not trustworthy and she knows it, he probably has some other woman on the side now.

[snappytomcat]

What would your normal behaviour be if you bumped into your spouse's ex mistress and then she laughed in your face? Not saying I condone the BS's behaviour, but I can see why she reacted like that.

It's also not classy to have an affair with someone who is married.

well iam a bs,not an ow so calm down.

she has said the bs,and I understand the bs is anger,but she was only making herself look like the crazy one,and the op has said she acts crazy,even before this incident,and if I was in the situation I also would have laughed or smiled out of nervousness,i mean come on what is she going to say if some crazy person is coming at you,you cant say anything cause anything you say will pizz her off even more

[gettingstronger]

I think the differing opinions some what depend on if you have ever been harassed or not. I am a BS and our OW has intruded for the entire 16 months since DDay. I get that there may be some that say I don't deserve it but the OP does based on our position in the triangle, but I have to say once you've been there you don't wish it on anyone and you firmly believe in adults acting as such.

 

Add to that, these behaviors are illegal and the law applies evenly regardless of the backstory. I understand mitigating circumstances and I understand hurt, pain and anger- believe me- but there comes a point when you have to let go and let the healing begin.

 

As far as changing habits, maybe the OP is as stubborn as I am. My husband wanted me to change my number. I am adamant about not doing so. Not only do I not want someone else dictating and bullying me into doing something I don't want to do (our OW) but logically speaking, where does it end? If I change my number, will she email me at work or what else?

 

I am very low drama and hate all of this, but I am a person and I have certain rights and among them is to be left the heck alone to live my life as I see fit as long as I am not hurting anyone.

 

JMO

[goodyblue]

Well it was you and her husband's creeping around behind her back which caused her to be this upset, what did you expect.

How would you like it if the person you love cheated on you?

 

Yes I'm judgemental of people who trample all over other people's feelings to get what they want, can't stand selfishness.

 

Um, I'd expect her to shut her trap and stay away from me after two years. That is what I'd expect. But you know, I'm judgmental of people who think they can just act like maniacal weirdos over something that is long over.

 

OP, I stay away from places my guy's ex frequents, but I'm with her ex, so it's a little different. We don't want to hurt her any more as we've done enough damage. But if she attacked me verbally like that woman did to you? Truly, I'd lean back and pretend to eat popcorn, and when she asked what I was doing, I'd say "Just watching the show. It's a drama, you know". Then I'd completely talk to the person I was with and act like she didn't exist until she went away.

 

Nobody has the right to attack you, tho. In all seriousness I'd have called the police.

 

Two years is long enough for her to go away.

[blue963]

Sometimes it isnt that easy to let go of it or leave it. There are many other circumstances that are involved.

[whichwayisup]

Um, I'd expect her to shut her trap and stay away from me after two years. That is what I'd expect. But you know, I'm judgmental of people who think they can just act like maniacal weirdos over something that is long over.

 

OP, I stay away from places my guy's ex frequents, but I'm with her ex, so it's a little different. We don't want to hurt her any more as we've done enough damage. But if she attacked me verbally like that woman did to you? Truly, I'd lean back and pretend to eat popcorn, and when she asked what I was doing, I'd say "Just watching the show. It's a drama, you know". Then I'd completely talk to the person I was with and act like she didn't exist until she went away.

 

Nobody has the right to attack you, tho. In all seriousness I'd have called the police.

 

Two years is long enough for her to go away.

 

To call the cops after a yelling match? Really? If the cops needed to be called it should have been because exMM attacked her boyfriend and they had a fight which got out of control, not because exMM's wife came and yelled at her, the exOW.

[waterwoman]

Poor woman:( I can only imagine she is insecure, jealous and very unhappy. She would have done much better just zipping her mouth shut, smiling happily and acting as if you were just a stranger. However he should have done her the courtesy to ignore you too - if my h had acted that way I would have been unhappy too but if I had said anything it would have been to him.

[GreySkyMorning]

To call the cops after a yelling match? Really? If the cops needed to be called it should have been because exMM attacked her boyfriend and they had a fight which got out of control, not because exMM's wife came and yelled at her, the exOW.

Yes, the police should have been called on the w. Walking up to someone unprovoked in a public place and verbally attacking them is still an attack. She may be a bs, but she still doesn't have the right to harass someone just for being in a public place.

[Ailsa1983]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

I know I am 100% to blame for her heartache and some of her actions. She is a nice/good woman I guess this is what happens when someone has an A with MM, she couldn't understand why I would want her husband (as I said 20 year age difference) she has even stated it is harder to cope with me being much younger than them. I presume this is to do with self image (after d-day she did start dressing as if she was in her 30's not nearing 50) she no longer does.

 

I changes my numbers after d-day but MM got my new number through mutual friends, as I said we live in small town so it's not hard to get anyone's number.

 

Hopefully this is the end of it, there are a lot of town functions/annual fun days coming up and I will attend them this year with my kids and boyfriend, not to do this would be unfair to my children, they went last year with their grandparents but they have asked for me to come. xMM and wife's kids are young teenagers so if they go it's not really for the kids but for them to socialise.

[Bootsie]

...

 

 

I on the other hand just laughed at her and told her to go away I'm not interested in this drama anymore. She would not stop screeching so my boyfriend shouted at her to get a grip of herself and move away from me. Well xMM at this point started shouting at my boyfriend and yes you guessed it they started fighting, ...people trying to drag his wife away before we started at it. My boyfriend threw xMM literally out the window and that was the end of it.

 

 

...it was her fault ! ...

 

 

I've just left in some of the first post.

 

 

It sounds unbelievably cruel to me that you laughed at this woman's pain, so it would be just as easy to suggest it was all your fault.

 

 

I can see she didn't behave well, but neither did you if you laughed at her.

 

 

It really sounds like the physical altercation was not started by her at all, but most likely your boyfriend or the MM. You seem to have glossed over it so I'm guessing your boyfriend got physical first. It seems she got assaulted too, by the people trying to drag her away. Apparently only you escaped the physical part of the fight. Not sure why you consider yourself to be the "victim" here.

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HeavenOrHell]

I'd expect to get harassed or shouted at by a BS, it's what people do when people are jealous/upset. Yes their affair ended a while ago, but OP said he was trying to catch her eye in the bar, and that she still has feelings for him, I'm sure the BS isn't so stupid she didn't notice this.

This other woman didn't set out to harass the OP, sounds like your situation is a lot different where she's actively been seeking you and your spouse out, and you weren't the OW like the OP was.

I've not been harassed by a BS or an OW because I've not cheated.

No, I don't think anyone deserves to be harassed but it is to be expected that the hurt person is going to lose their temper at some point.

 

I think the differing opinions some what depend on if you have ever been harassed or not. I am a BS and our OW has intruded for the entire 16 months since DDay. I get that there may be some that say I don't deserve it but the OP does based on our position in the triangle, but I have to say once you've been there you don't wish it on anyone and you firmly believe in adults acting as such.

 

Add to that, these behaviors are illegal and the law applies evenly regardless of the backstory. I understand mitigating circumstances and I understand hurt, pain and anger- believe me- but there comes a point when you have to let go and let the healing begin.

 

As far as changing habits, maybe the OP is as stubborn as I am. My husband wanted me to change my number. I am adamant about not doing so. Not only do I not want someone else dictating and bullying me into doing something I don't want to do (our OW) but logically speaking, where does it end? If I change my number, will she email me at work or what else?

 

I am very low drama and hate all of this, but I am a person and I have certain rights and among them is to be left the heck alone to live my life as I see fit as long as I am not hurting anyone.

 

JMO

[HeavenOrHell]

Uhm, even when the husband is still giving the OW the eye in front of her and the OP still fancies him?! Yeah right.

You're all heart. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes just once.

 

 

 

Um, I'd expect her to shut her trap and stay away from me after two years. That is what I'd expect. But you know, I'm judgmental of people who think they can just act like maniacal weirdos over something that is long over.

 

OP, I stay away from places my guy's ex frequents, but I'm with her ex, so it's a little different. We don't want to hurt her any more as we've done enough damage. But if she attacked me verbally like that woman did to you? Truly, I'd lean back and pretend to eat popcorn, and when she asked what I was doing, I'd say "Just watching the show. It's a drama, you know". Then I'd completely talk to the person I was with and act like she didn't exist until she went away.

 

Nobody has the right to attack you, tho. In all seriousness I'd have called the police.

 

Two years is long enough for her to go away.

[cocorico]

Uhm, even when the husband is still giving the OW the eye in front of her and the OP still fancies him?! Yeah right.

You're all heart. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes just once.

 

The BW should have taken it up with her H, if he was ogling the OP. The OP made it clear in her post that she did not respond or make eye contact with the fMM at all, so the BW should have taken issue with the one doing the pursuing (her H), not the one he was trying to attract.

 

Or does he get a free ride, because she chose to stay with him, and project all the responsibility onto the OP?

[Sub]

It does help that my xMM is starting to look his age and my boyfriend is rather hot, they are complete opposites in nature MM was basically a coward and people pleaser my boyfriend is not, he's upfront and honest and if no-one likes it .. Well tough titties.

 

I don't mean this in a condescending way, but I think the above proves there's still some "moving on" that needs to be done on your part as well. Is there maybe a small part of you that wanted to show off your bf in front of the exMM? And before I get screamed at, let me say that I don't think it would be that unnatural.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, I said in an earlier message that if he was ogling the OP then the BS should've have taken it up with him and not her.

 

 

 

The BW should have taken it up with her H, if he was ogling the OP. The OP made it clear in her post that she did not respond or make eye contact with the fMM at all, so the BW should have taken issue with the one doing the pursuing (her H), not the one he was trying to attract.

 

Or does he get a free ride, because she chose to stay with him, and project all the responsibility onto the OP?

[Ailsa1983]

I don't mean this in a condescending way, but I think the above proves there's still some "moving on" that needs to be done on your part as well. Is there maybe a small part of you that wanted to show off your bf in front of the exMM? And before I get screamed at, let me say that I don't think it would be that unnatural.

 

I have already explained this, it wasn't really feelings for him it was just odd. Best way I can describe it as when d-day occurred we were still deep in our fantasy one minute we were all loved up and the next no talking for almost 2 years, that is all I meant by it.

 

No definitely not showing my boyfriend off (although he is worthy of it) my boyfriend frequents that pub when I am not there and he has seen them many times (please bear in mind that they are not out every weekend so I had no clue as to wether they would be there or not)

 

We all have to live here.