xMM and boyfriend in bar brawl, started by the wife.

[goodyblue]

To call the cops after a yelling match? Really? If the cops needed to be called it should have been because exMM attacked her boyfriend and they had a fight which got out of control, not because exMM's wife came and yelled at her, the exOW.

 

Should be called for both. If the people at the bar did nothing about a woman standing at my table acting like a crazy person, I'd call the police.

 

And most definitely they should have been called for the men acting like jackasses. Agreed on that point. I don't believe in violence.

[Ailsa1983]

I would like to ask some posters to read the whole thread and my replies before making assumptions, I'm not going to answer the same questions over and over.

 

Thank you

[goodyblue]

Uhm, even when the husband is still giving the OW the eye in front of her and the OP still fancies him?! Yeah right.

You're all heart. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes just once.

 

She didn't say she was catching HIS eye. HE was trying to catch hers. SO don't act like it's OP's fault. Jesus... it's ALWAYS the OW's fault, I forgot. Even though it was TWO YEARS ago. Give me the smallest of breaks.

 

Her HUSBAND made the decision to cheat. Let her be pissed at him.

 

Frankly, what should have happened is, since the HUSBAND did this, he should have grabbed his wife and said "Let's go" to stop her pain. Stop trying to make out like it is all OP's fault.

 

OP did what she should have by the affair ending long ago.

 

Frankly, I think it's ridiculous that people think they can take it upon themselves to just attack another person. What are they thinking?

 

Just so we're clear, whether SHE has feelings toward the WS, she is not ACTING on them and has avoided going places she likes for TWO YEARS. I still have feelings for my first boyfriend. I'd never ACT on them. Completely different things. So get it together and blame the right person. THE ONE WHO CHEATED. And who is still treating his wife like crap. AND SHE IS ACCEPTING THE TREATMENT.

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[trailrunner1975]

I suggest group therapy for all involved. Maybe Jerry Springer?

[Ailsa1983]

I suggest group therapy for all involved. Maybe Jerry Springer?

 

It's Jeremy Kyle over here

[goodyblue]

LoL! Don't you love how every person on Jeremy Kyle says "At the end of the day"...

[HeavenOrHell]

If you read all my messages, you'll see I've said TWICE that if he was eyeballing her at the bar then the BS should've taken it up with HIM and not the OW :rolleyes:

 

I also said I don't condone the BS's behaviour but that her jealousy is understandable, even 2 years on if her husband is still trying to catch the OP's eye, so it's not all 2 years ago is it, the OP also says she still fancies him, so I doubt the BS is stupid enough to not pick up on that.

 

Yes the husband is ultimately to blame, but OW/OM know that they are part of the deceit, but don't have enough of a conscience to give a **** who they are hurting in the process, neither does the cheating husband/wife.

 

If a friend sleeps with your husband/wife is that ok? No of course not, betrayal like that is not ok, it's also not ok to sleep with a stranger's husband. And anyone in a marriage or r/ship who has the urge to cheat should talk to their partner about it before doing anything, explain why they want to cheat and either work through it or break up.

People often put no blame on the OW/OM at all which isn't fair either, they know what they're doing, that someone is getting hurt.

 

Enjoy your day too.

 

 

She didn't say she was catching HIS eye. HE was trying to catch hers. SO don't act like it's OP's fault. Jesus... it's ALWAYS the OW's fault, I forgot. Even though it was TWO YEARS ago. Give me the smallest of breaks.

 

Her HUSBAND made the decision to cheat. Let her be pissed at him.

 

Frankly, what should have happened is, since the HUSBAND did this, he should have grabbed his wife and said "Let's go" to stop her pain. Stop trying to make out like it is all OP's fault.

 

OP did what she should have by the affair ending long ago.

 

Frankly, I think it's ridiculous that people think they can take it upon themselves to just attack another person. What are they thinking?

 

Just so we're clear, whether SHE has feelings toward the WS, she is not ACTING on them and has avoided going places she likes for TWO YEARS. I still have feelings for my first boyfriend. I'd never ACT on them. Completely different things. So get it together and blame the right person. THE ONE WHO CHEATED. And who is still treating his wife like crap. AND SHE IS ACCEPTING THE TREATMENT.

 

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[A.Moscote]

It's unfortunate your outing turned out that way, hopefully you'd be more careful and composed next time, after all we can't totally control other peoples reactions. Shame on her husband, he has no real respect for the people around him, and really was the spark of the whole thing . Everyone else reactions are understandable, but ideally could have been better.

 

Maybe the wife haven't really get a chance to lash at you before, maybe it's her crumbling emotions due to her husband's antics after all the two years' efforts, whatever. Just try to forgive her, hopefully this once is enough for her to realize the mistake and to move on again (it must have been tough two years for her too).

 

Anyway you've shown patient and understanding before, because as you said, you've waited for two years before going there. Kudos on that, that was a significant effort and sacrifice. It seems you are having a nice relationship now, congratulations on starting it on honesty and openness. Happy to see you grow from past mistakes. Right now, we all should now there's no real reason that can justifies cheating and deception, that no matter which role we play, affair will just erodes our own values, and heaps unjust on others.

 

Just vent off here again if you will, at least we can learn from it and advice each other. Take care, good luck.

[Sub]

Frankly, what should have happened is, since the HUSBAND did this, he should have grabbed his wife and said "Let's go" to stop her pain. Stop trying to make out like it is all OP's fault.

 

At the very least, he should have asked her if she was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. Not sure about just saying "Let's go!", as she also has a right to be there. For all we know, he may have said that very thing and it may have been the cause of her blow up. Bottom line, though: the MM should have been focused on his W and their time together out.

[WasOtherWoman]

I have been thinking about this one a bit. What's wrong with taking the high road in this sort of situation. Of course she is still upset, understandably. You have admitted fault by having the affair in the first place, all should be done, two years later.

 

But, when emotions are involved it is not that easy. I do get that you want to be able to go places in your town. But, would it really have been so hard, when she approached and began acting inappropriately to NOT have laughed at her?

 

Maybe just sit there quietly, ask her quietly to please excuse herself from your table and then just remain silent? There was no need for you boyfriend to get involved. Sometimes, when dealing with an emotional person, it is best to just sit back, let them do their thing and hope that they either get a hold of themselves (more easily done when the other person is not engaging with them) or, at some point, when she is not being engaged, she will just walk away (or be escorted away by the bar owner, tender, whoever).

 

This way, 1) you will NEVER look like the crazy person and 2) things don't escalate the way they did.

 

Just sayin'

 

P.S. I have been married to my MM for nearly 15 years now and "our" exwife and I get along famously. But, in the beginning, I very much tread carefully to avoid situations where feelings could escalate. I am not saying you need to stop living your life, or that her behavior was appropriate, but for gosh sakes.. she KNOWS you slept with her husband. Maybe change your approach should there be an altercation?

[BetrayedH]

OP, I remember your story quite well. I will say that it doesn't seem like two years ago. I hope you're not exaggerating that too much.

 

Regardless, I remember you being insanely angry in those days over confrontations with the BW (especially the one that involved your child being inadvertently knocked over). Anyway, my point is actually that I think you can be proud of a couple of things here. First, your tone and perspective is TOTALLY different than back in those early days. You have EMPATHY (yay!) and it comes through loud and clear. You take some responsibility for your role and have tempered your opinion about her actions. Beyond that, you have stayed at a distance for quite a long time, trying to allow everyone to heal. I give you some big credit for both of those things. Seriously.

 

With all that said, you still have this logistical problem. It's clear that you're not going to move - you had that opportunity to do so at a discount before. I totally understand that you finally reached a point of being unwilling to keep being a hermit. So you just decided to go for it. Epic fail on most people's part but I suppose you had to try.

 

I'd mostly put this particular incident behind you but really start thinking about how to approach it in the future. I wish I had good answers for you. The BW's reputation so far is pretty poor when it comes to behaving herself amiably. Part of me wonders if there is some way to reach out and try to reach a compromise. I know that seems unlikely (and is perhaps asking a bit too much of you) but I am just trying to brainstorm something so that you can try to avoid a similar situation in the future - especially when there might be kids around. It seems better to try to resolve it behind the scenes (even if it doesn't go well) than it is to just risk another dramatic situation. I would even wonder about your BF talking with the exMM but I suppose that relationship is a bit strained at the moment. It just seems that SOMETHING needs to be done for the sake of everyone involved. What ideas have you considered? Do you have any kind of plan? At minimum, you gotta have a decent idea of what you'd do in the event of a future conflict (the smiling thing was a pretty big fail). So can be your plan for the next time?

 

I'm sure that eventually there will be legal means at your disposal if she keeps causing confrontations but I sense that you'd like to avoid that if at all possible. I'm just curious about your thoughts.

Edited May 30, 2014 by BetrayedH

[AmyBamy]

I'd expect to get harassed or shouted at by a BS, it's what SOME people do when people are jealous/upset. Yes their affair ended a while ago, but OP said he was trying to catch her eye in the bar, and that she still has feelings for him, I'm sure the BS isn't so stupid she didn't notice this.

This other woman didn't set out to harass the OP, sounds like your situation is a lot different where she's actively been seeking you and your spouse out, and you weren't the OW like the OP was.

I've not been harassed by a BS or an OW because I've not cheated.

No, I don't think anyone deserves to be harassed but it is to be expected that the hurt person is going to lose their temper at some point.

 

Some people do that - not even most and definitely not all. Many of us are able to handle our emotions even when they are strong. Those that cannot do not deserve a pass because they are handling something that everyone handles.

[Sub]

Some people do that - not even most and definitely not all. Many of us are able to handle our emotions even when they are strong.

 

Yes, we are. In fairness, though, those numbers decrease when people have been throwing back shots, martini's, etc. I'm as harmless a person as you'll meet, but I can't say my emotional state is the same sober as it is after 10 or 11 beers. EVERYONE could have read the situation a little better here.

[crederer]

"I don't care about this drama anymore"

 

The rest of your post says otherwise.

 

You brought this on yourself. I can't even imagine why people choose to live this way.

[Ailsa1983]

"I don't care about this drama anymore"

 

The rest of your post says otherwise.

 

You brought this on yourself. I can't even imagine why people choose to live this way.

 

Excuse me ?

 

My post does not say otherwise, I have been very quiet a long time and lived my life drama free since the aftermath of d-day. I was asked by my boyfriend to please consider going out with him to the local bar to meet our mutual friends. I said yes why not I'm not even sure if xMM and his wife will even be there.

 

I think it's absurd and quite laughable that a few posters think I should refrain from having a social life because I made a mistake, I paid for it and I paid severely more than MM ever did, and you think I should be punished for life ? Crazy. This is where BS and OW differentiate on opinions, some (and I mean some not all) BS think the OW should be punished for life while ironically they forgive their WS and go on to live a happy life. Yes I know the initial R process is very hard and you do punish your WS but by some peoples standards they expect the OW to keep being punished.

[road]

I was a MOW involved with MM big age difference (almost 20 years) we were caught after 18 months, and the sh*t hit the fan. I got divorced as I realised I didn't love my husband I was not physical with him before or during the A the attraction was gone we basically lived as room mates for our children.

 

Now almost 2 years later I have a new boyfriend and things were going good until last weekend.

 

We went out to our local bar, I do try to avoid this place as I know MM and his wife often frequent there, but I decided enough is enough it's been so long and the drama has died down I cannot keep avoiding such places out of fear of bumping into her. Anyways as you can imagine they were there, my now boyfriend knows about the A (who doesn't in this small town) we were sitting having a drink waiting on the band starting and I could see MM watching me almost as if he was trying to catch my eye, I did not entertain him. As the night went on and drinks went down suddenly his wife was at our table screaming like the banshee she is calling me all sorts saying I'm trying to flirt with her husband, I'm a sl*t/home wrecker and why don't I just move away (she previously tried to rent me an apartment in another area) my boyfriend told her nice to go away but she kept on going and going by this time everyone was watching and a few were trying to drag her away, I on the other hand just laughed at her and told her to go away I'm not interested in this drama anymore. She would not stop screeching so my boyfriend shouted at her to get a grip of herself and move away from me. Well xMM at this point started shouting at my boyfriend and yes you guessed it they started fighting, they are both big guys over 6'4. The pub was in turmoil by this time people trying to split them up and people trying to drag his wife away before we started at it. My boyfriend threw xMM literally out the window and that was the end of it.

 

Now this is almost 2 years later and I still can't live this whole mess down, xMM called me to apologise and asked for his forgiveness, I didn't realise I still had feelings for him but after that phone call I knew some part of me still did. It is not sexual feeling more of a emotional bond we always had.

 

He prevented his wife from calling the police on my boyfriend as after all it was her fault ! She can't/won't and never will let this go, I know we hurt her beyond anything I could imagine but she choose to forgive she choose to stay married to him!! I will not be walking on egg shells around this town for forever, it's not possible nor feasible. No I will not move either I was born here and all my family live here the same as xMM and his wife's families.

 

I guess I'm just venting and maybe that's why I come across as heartless towards some OW posts who are hurting and in pain. It's not because I mean to be it's because you could be living what I have been living.

 

 

 

 

 

You made yourself the manure sandwich.

 

 

You complain that the manure sandwich is still sitting on the plate after all these years.

 

 

You rant about how the BW still wants you to eat that manure sandwich.

 

 

You cry crocodile tears of empathy for the BW.

 

 

You come here to get support.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of your self imposed martyrdom you need to give that BW and OM NC for the rest of their life.

 

 

Time for the boo hoo's to stop and time to man up.

[road]

Excuse me ?

 

My post does not say otherwise, I have been very quiet a long time and lived my life drama free since the aftermath of d-day.

 

 

 

I think it's absurd and quite laughable that a few posters think I should refrain from having a social life because I made a mistake, I paid for it

 

 

 

Your post said you knew that before you went there that the BW and OM go there often. You going there is you choosing to not be drama free because you chose to take the chance that you will run into them.

 

 

Then you complain that you did.

 

 

You life is not changing for the better.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because you still make decisions and then refuse to accept the consequences.

 

 

Some people only grow old instead of growing up.

 

 

It is absurd that you think it is ok for you not to go NC with the BW and OM.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Excuse me ?

 

My post does not say otherwise, I have been very quiet a long time and lived my life drama free since the aftermath of d-day. I was asked by my boyfriend to please consider going out with him to the local bar to meet our mutual friends. I said yes why not I'm not even sure if xMM and his wife will even be there.

 

I think it's absurd and quite laughable that a few posters think I should refrain from having a social life because I made a mistake, I paid for it and I paid severely more than MM ever did, and you think I should be punished for life ? Crazy. This is where BS and OW differentiate on opinions, some (and I mean some not all) BS think the OW should be punished for life while ironically they forgive their WS and go on to live a happy life. Yes I know the initial R process is very hard and you do punish your WS but by some peoples standards they expect the OW to keep being punished.

 

While I do not agree or condone the manner in which the BW in your sitch handled herself, I am of the same mindset for all four that were involved.

 

As far as why a BS forgives their WS and not necessarily the AP, it is simply because a BS has had/has a more complete relationship with their spouse...that involves various emotions, events...etc. The relationship between a BS and an AP has been only negative....usually. Why invest into something/someone who has only caused you pain? That is not to say that one should go out of their way to exact some type of pain payment from the AP. Just why a BS might not care if the AP life is uncomfortable somehow.

 

I agree with the poster who suggested having a better plan in place for yourself if this was to occur again would be prudent. If you are aware that you have a nervous laugh, then be more conscience of it. If you become fearful, contact the authorities instead of engaging. Ask others not to intervene on your behalf, unless you are being physically assaulted.

 

Walking away does not always mean conceding. It can mean...that you value your reputation and do not want to be associated with certain people/events...even if they are the ones causing it.

[A.Moscote]

I think it's absurd and quite laughable that a few posters think I should refrain from having a social life because I made a mistake...

 

Rather than label those posts as laughable, (yes some are quite harsh on you, and missed what you have sacrificed before) why don't we just be positive and take something out of them. Of course you don't have to refrain from social life, but maybe next time you can avoid being at the same place with your xMM and his W. Especially now that you know they clearly haven't move past the affair, and that she's still very volatile. Honestly though, I also wouldn't have expected that too after two years.

 

..(and I mean some not all) BS...

Then just say some people rather than explicitly mention/assign any party. It's better to avoid flaming, and perhaps not to sound unappreciative to others who have supported you.

[Ailsa1983]

Yes and I have already said that I whole heartedly agree with most comments.

 

One thing I would like to clear up for all though is the bar in question is actually a "young" bar and I was a frequent gore for years prior to affair, xMM and his wife on the other hand were not, they used to frequent the only other bar in the town, regardless of what you may think I know she started going into this bar specifically because I did, this is why I avoided it until last weekend.

 

However I have learned my lesson here and have already spoken with the bar owners and apologised for the drama that occurred, the owner outright said to me that she doesn't understand why his wife and her friend have all of sudden started to attend this bar, she also said if I would like she could ban her from coming inside as she thought her actions were the reason the fight broke out. Yes I fully admit laughing at her was the wrong thing to do but honestly I didn't know what to say/do it was all so fast. I told the owner I did not want her banned on my behalf but I will phone ahead any time I plan on coming out and she can find out if they (or his wife and her friends) will be attendance. I do not go out that much anyway even when the kids are with their father as I am still ashamed and humiliated by the A and I know when I'm out everyone is still talking about it.

[Ailsa1983]

Your post said you knew that before you went there that the BW and OM go there often. You going there is you choosing to not be drama free because you chose to take the chance that you will run into them.

 

 

Then you complain that you did.

 

 

You life is not changing for the better.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because you still make decisions and then refuse to accept the consequences.

 

 

Some people only grow old instead of growing up.

 

 

It is absurd that you think it is ok for you not to go NC with the BW and OM.

 

 

This doesn't make sense I have went completely NC with them, they are the ones who broke it not I.

 

Also I am not complaining I take full responsibility for my actions and I don't expect it to ever go away, however I do expect to live my life without being harassed by her.

[road]

This doesn't make sense I have went completely NC with them, they are the ones who broke it not I.

 

Also I am not complaining I take full responsibility for my actions and I don't expect it to ever go away, however I do expect to live my life without being harassed by her.

 

 

 

You by putting yourself in a place where you knew that the BW and OM frequently go is you not maintaining NC.

[BetrayedH]

I will phone ahead any time I plan on coming out and she can find out if they (or his wife and her friends) will be attendance.

 

Sounds like a wise and balanced choice to me. Kudos.

 

It's also possible that the couple will decide not to frequent that place of their own volition. Perhaps it will become 'yours' again.

 

I don't think you need to continue to feel ashamed. If you keep making decisions you can be proud of, your pride will and should return.

[AmyBamy]

You by putting yourself in a place where you knew that the BW and OM frequently go is you not maintaining NC.

 

This kind of attitude absolutely blows my mind. OP, I think it's absolutely ludicrous that anyone would believe that you need to hermit yourself away because this wife cannot handle the feelings she has from seeing you while sitting with her forgiven husband. Rme. It's like The Scarlett Letter where they made her move out into the woods with her love child. It's archaic and ridiculous. I do not believe that betrayed spouses deserve to walk on red carpet the rest of their lives. Who is a martyr really? The wives that forgive these men and then expect everyone else to cater to their fragile emotional sides. Laughable it is.

 

I say go to the bar and let the owners ban her. She obviously can't handle drinking in public. So childish on her part and the consequences of being banned are all hers. Then you and your bf can go and enjoy a night out like normal people without the crazies of the town intruding on your space because they are oh so fragile.

[Ailsa1983]

You by putting yourself in a place where you knew that the BW and OM frequently go is you not maintaining NC.

 

Wrong again, I have maintained NC and if u had read my previous statement u would know that they didn't go to that partial bar until after d-day, also I would like to point out that BS has many times in the past attempted to break NC by going to places she knew I would be, for instance last year we had a kids sports event and she attended it even though her kids were not participating, there was to be a small party for the kids afterwards and she went along with her sister and her sisters kids. She did not need to be there and she knew I would be there. Anyway i asked my xH that if he would continue at their party while I went home.

 

Maybe going to the bar was a bad idea but after so long and not knowing if she would ever be there I decided to go ahead. It was a mistake but I will not, will not hide away any longer. She has to come to terms that I also live here.