Stepdaughter didn't get yelled at by my husband but I would have!

[Mapper71]

The three of us went to the motorcycle track this weekend to watch H race. SD is 16 and it is the last thing she wanted to do as it is rather boring but it was her weekend with dad. SD and I stayed in a hotel room while H stayed at the track with his buddies. SD and I go back to the hotel room Saturday afternoon to clean up and get back to the track around 5PM. H is still working on his bike because it hadn't been running. Within 2 minutes SD says to him "When are we going?". He says "Going where?" like he had forgotten he said we were going out for dinner. SD says "to the restaurant". I cringe because when he is tired or focused on something he'll usually snap back at the person asking such an unimportant question. He says very calmly "Oh I'll get changed and we can go". I was flabbergasted because if I had said the exact same thing at the exact same moment I would have gotten a very terse "WHAT?! Can't you see I'm in the middle of working my bike? I really don't have time to think about dinner. Make yourself a snack and just chill the f*** out". Then on our way home not more than 10 words were spoken between SD and H and after 2 hours and less than 5 minutes from home after a day of H racing and tired as hell SD asks "What's for lunch?". Once again I cringe on what he's going to say, but no he replies with "We can stop at Burger King or I can make something for you at home". If I had asked the same thing I would have gotten "I have been driving for 2 hours and I'm beyond tired. I would have appreciated it if you would have driven but you didn't want to so I'm tired and cranky. Find something for yourself when we get home or you can go to the store".

 

I feel like he tries to be beyond accommodating and nice to his daughter who he only sees one weekend a month but to his wife he feels he can be condescending and mean.

[d0nnivain]

She's a child & you're an adult. It doesn't excuse it but it may explain it.

 

When he's calm point out to him how much more you like the nice guy he is with her & ask if he could be that kind to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

I feel like he tries to be beyond accommodating and nice to his daughter who he only sees one weekend a month but to his wife he feels he can be condescending and mean.

It's easy to be on good behavior one weekend a month - but you're with him every day, so you see his best and worst.

[Mapper71]

He has gone off on her several times in the past to the point where she didn't even talk to him for months and now he's "Disney Dad" with her and anything she wants she gets when she visits because he doesn't want to alienate her again. He seems to be perfectly fine alienating me though by being rude and condescending.

 

Sometimes I feel like the daughter who gets crapped on and embarrassed and she is the wife who gets more respect! He and I were out once with some friends and my shoelace kept coming undone and I'd bend over quick to tie it. He was getting frustrated with me doing that and said "Sit down and double knot it" and I said "I'm fine" and he said very angrily "Just stop and tie your damn shoe right" and made everyone stop and watch me tie my shoe. He made me feel about 8 years old!

[iris219]

Sounds like he takes you for granted. He knows you're still going to be around if he snaps, whereas his daughter could get mad and refuse to visit.

 

My FI is the opposite. I do things that his kids get yelled at for doing. He is fine with me doing it or actually thinks it's cute, but when his kids do it (like trying to eat his food) he wants to strangle them. It comes down to the fact that he appreciates me more and doesn't want to lose me; his kids are his kids and they aren't going anywhere because they are young and he has 50/50 custody.

 

Does your H take you for granted in other ways? I would talk to him about this.

[dichotomy]

He has gone off on her several times in the past to the point where she didn't even talk to him for months and now he's "Disney Dad" with her and anything she wants she gets when she visits because he doesn't want to alienate her again.

 

Can you really blame him - his child - who he loves deeply (and teens can be a PTA) - shut him off for MONTHS after one his outbursts - so he is on his best behavior. Who would want to be shut of from their kids for months?

 

Also how does SD treat him ? Just curious - is she nasty or nice to her dad?

 

 

Let me share a kind of related story. My SD who lives with us full time had a difficult couple of years a ways back - long story wont bore you - she would tear into her mom and me, emotional outburst screaming's saying worst stuff, refusing to help around home. With others like teachers and also when visiting biodad/step mom she was good. We asked her once - why do you treat them (including visits biodad/step mom) so nicely and us like crap? Her response "Because I know you two really love me, and wont leave me, and I don't have to hide my weaknesses and be careful - you can handle it" ?!

 

Have a chat with your husband... tell him you understand he wants to treat his daughter well because he does not see her often, but that you would like wish he could work on it a little more with you sometimes and that you love him and want to be with him too.

Edited May 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[Mapper71]

She really doesn't enjoy being here because it's boring and she doesn't know anyone. He has gone off on her way more than once and even on the weekends we do get her sometimes he gets a little heated with her. Anytime he tries to hug her or be goofy with her she immediately goes "STOP IT! I WILL PUNCH YOU!"

 

She gets pretty much whatever she wants. $400 guitar that she swore she'd play and has been gathering dust since she got it 2 yeas ago, HAS to have $200 boots, professional color on her hair, $400 camera that gathered dust right after she got it. Dad gets it all for her. At her age I don't think I ever received a gift over $50! She expects these things nowl

[Ruby Slippers]

You sound jealous of your step-daughter's relationship with her dad.

 

Have you tried making friends with her?

[Keenly]

You sound jealous of your step-daughter's relationship with her dad.

 

Have you tried making friends with her?

 

Exactly the vibes I got. Jealousy that the father treats his daughter differently than his wife. That's how its SUPPOSED to be. Prepare yourself to get used to it. She will always be daddies little girl.

[Mapper71]

You sound jealous of your step-daughter's relationship with her dad.

 

Have you tried making friends with her?

Oh we are TOTALLY friends! She would much rather hang out with me than him. I WISH she would hang out with him for long periods like she does me but he seems perfectly fine with us having our "girl time". She thinks she's been an adult since the age of 10 and thinks she's so removed from everyone her own age. That kind of thinking and attitude is very annoying.

[Mapper71]

Exactly the vibes I got. Jealousy that the father treats his daughter differently than his wife. That's how its SUPPOSED to be. Prepare yourself to get used to it. She will always be daddies little girl.

Really? So daughter gets treated like a queen while wife gets treated like an imbecile??! And that's how it SHOULD be??

[ja123]

Based on your last few threads, you might want to consider getting some couple's counseling and/or IC. I think it could really help.

 

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

He has gone off on her several times in the past to the point where she didn't even talk to him for months and now he's "Disney Dad" with her and anything she wants she gets when she visits because he doesn't want to alienate her again. He seems to be perfectly fine alienating me though by being rude and condescending.

 

Sometimes I feel like the daughter who gets crapped on and embarrassed and she is the wife who gets more respect! He and I were out once with some friends and my shoelace kept coming undone and I'd bend over quick to tie it. He was getting frustrated with me doing that and said "Sit down and double knot it" and I said "I'm fine" and he said very angrily "Just stop and tie your damn shoe right" and made everyone stop and watch me tie my shoe. He made me feel about 8 years old!

 

You need to stand up to him and call him on his bull crap, don't put up with him speaking to you rudely and being mean to you. Bolded: Next time he

says something like that to you either in public or at home, say "OK DAD!" then walk away. Trust me, your point will be made.

 

What you allow is what will continue...

[whichwayisup]

Really? So daughter gets treated like a queen while wife gets treated like an imbecile??! And that's how it SHOULD be??

 

His daughter sees him once in a while, so yeah he's gonna be on his best behaviour. How old is she? If she's in her late teens, she's close to the age of choosing whether or not she wants to see him or spend time with him.

 

I agree with the person who said couples counseling could help. You and your husband have issues that need to be fixed. You are enabling him by allowing him to treat you like crap. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

[Eivuwan]

I think it's more important to focus on how he treats you and not how he treats his daughter. It is not ok to yell and go off on your spouse over little things like tying a shoe. You shouldn't have to cringe around him or feel like you are stepping on ice.

 

Edit: Looking at your other threads, it doesn't sound like you feel accepted by your husband. That is something important to work on in the marriage. Have you talked to him about these feelings you have?

[waterwoman]

The problem you have is how he treats you. How he treats his child is irrelevant. Would you be happier if he was horrible to her too?

[Mapper71]

Oh he HAS been horrible to her in the past. He has a very short fuse and expects us to read his mind on what we should do and where we should put things. I think he's got ADHD. I would love for him to treat BOTH of us with the respect we deserve and not go off in a tizzy if we simply don't hear what he says the first time or don't put groceries in the right place when unloading them.

[beatcuff]

OP oddly you should be relieved. he expresses his frustration to you because he is comfortable in his relationship with you. think about it: he was never that way when you were first dating (because he was trying to show his best side). i have no doubt he treated you like he is treating is daughter now (he knows his days are limited).

 

does that make it right --- not exactly. but instead of ambushing him and creating a W v SD situation: "you better treat me the same way".

 

try some honey (instead of vinegar): how about during a 'quiet' moment telling him how great he is for treating his D that way. it reminds you of when you were first going out. how much you like that side of him. Better: "how hot that make him look".

 

the suggestions of IC for you: absolutely yes.

[michelangelo]

The problem you have is how he treats you. How he treats his child is irrelevant. Would you be happier if he was horrible to her too?

 

And you don't know for sure that he would have responded exactly as you described. He is in trouble with you for something you essentially dreamed up.

 

Not trying to negate your feelings, but being nice to his daughter is not a bad thing.

[crederer]

Really? So daughter gets treated like a queen while wife gets treated like an imbecile??! And that's how it SHOULD be??

 

Jeeze. You sound incredibly jealous. It's his daughter that he rarely sees. Of course he's going to treat her differently. My god.

[Mapper71]

Jeeze. You sound incredibly jealous. It's his daughter that he rarely sees. Of course he's going to treat her differently. My god.

Really? So his daughter should get anything in the world she asks for and never get yelled at even if she is acting like a total snob and brat simply because she's only here for a weekend, but me as his wife, simply because he sees me everyday, should expect to get yelled at over stupid **** and be treated like I'm 12? Sounds fair!

[whichwayisup]

Really? So his daughter should get anything in the world she asks for and never get yelled at even if she is acting like a total snob and brat simply because she's only here for a weekend, but me as his wife, simply because he sees me everyday, should expect to get yelled at over stupid **** and be treated like I'm 12? Sounds fair!

 

Then call him out on his behaviour and how he's treating you! Don't put up with it. Talk to him about what he says and does, how it makes you feel and how all that has to stop.

[lollipopspot]

Really? So his daughter should get anything in the world she asks for and never get yelled at even if she is acting like a total snob and brat simply because she's only here for a weekend, but me as his wife, simply because he sees me everyday, should expect to get yelled at over stupid **** and be treated like I'm 12? Sounds fair!

 

This is absolutely childish.

 

"It's not FAIR!"

 

Look. You have a relationship with your husband. If he treats you like ****, deal with that. Don't triangulate the relationship with your stepdaughter. They have their own relationship. It isn't a competition between you and the daughter. You deal with your relationship, let them deal with theirs.

 

It's like you're both his daughters and you're jealous that she gets more.

 

You're a grown woman. You stand up for yourself and the kind of relationship YOU want to have. A wife is not permanently connected to her husband. A birth child has a permanent bond. The relationship is different. He can just be a blip in your relationship history, if you choose, and if he doesn't start treating you how you would like.

Edited June 1, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Grumpybutfun]

We teach people how to treat us. When you accept boorish or bad behavior form him, you are accepting it. Tell him no, and do not let him treat you like a child. Often by trying to keep the peace, passive people promote the aggressive persons behavior so it makes it worse.

He should treat his daughter well, divorce is traumatic for children and sometimes children need a million "atta girls" to negate the pain of the demise of their family unit.

Keep being supportive of her and treat your situation with your husband separate and absolutely no more comparing.

Good luck,

Grumps

[CC12]

He has gone off on her several times in the past to the point where she didn't even talk to him for months

 

So she got tired of him treating her like crap and she made the hard decision to cut him out of her life. Seems pretty smart. Maybe you should follow her example.