Stepdaughter didn't get yelled at by my husband but I would have!

[KathyM]

It's pretty typical for the non-custodial parent to spoil a child in order to try to make up for their lack of presence in the child's life. There could be more to it though, and I'm thinking he may be purposely treating her like a princess in front of you as a way to stick it to you. As a passive aggressive act against you. I know that may sound somewhat farfetched to some, but I've seen this play out IRL with families where the husband was short-tempered, passive agressive, and emotionally and verbally abusive to his wife. It's like he wanted to show his wife in a passive agressive way that he didn't value her as much as he valued his child. It's a way of keeping a spouse "one down", and by elevating his child to a higher level than you, he keeps you "one down", which is where he wants you to be. That attitude comes from a place of insecurity. I would suggest you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, which gives a much more comprehensive explanation of why your husband needs to keep you "one down". I think you will see a lot of similarities described in that book with what your husband is exhibiting. The book also has good advice on how to respond to such verbal/emotional abuse.

[Mapper71]

This is absolutely childish.

 

"It's not FAIR!"

 

Look. You have a relationship with your husband. If he treats you like ****, deal with that. Don't triangulate the relationship with your stepdaughter. They have their own relationship. It isn't a competition between you and the daughter. You deal with your relationship, let them deal with theirs.

 

It's like you're both his daughters and you're jealous that she gets more.

 

You're a grown woman. You stand up for yourself and the kind of relationship YOU want to have. A wife is not permanently connected to her husband. A birth child has a permanent bond. The relationship is different. He can just be a blip in your relationship history, if you choose, and if he doesn't start treating you how you would like.

 

It sucks for me because I see the way she manipulates him. She hates being here and tells me she's bored out of her mind but when H asks if she's having a good time she bats her eyelashes and tells him everything is great. Then 10 seconds later after he leaves the room she turns to me and says that we should go do something because she is SO bored. I hear all her complaining while he hears none of it so of course she is his little angel.

 

She doesn't speak to him for months but then calls at Christmas because she wants an expensive gift, which she of course gets while I get nothing at all. My birthday is the day after Christmas and I think he has yet to even say happy birthday to me without some kind of prompting from me but he expects expensive gifts on his birthday. He has always spent loads of money on her, usually on things she says she wants like a $400 guitar and amp, $400 camera, $200 boots. The guitar and camera were used once and then she moved on and the zipper on the boots broke! Meanwhile I pay all the bills because he can't because he's too busy spending the money he does make on his motorcycle and buying her expensive gifts to make she she keeps coming back. I've paid our entire mortgage for 9 of the past 10 months because he simply can't find the money for it. No problem finding money to go racing or buy his daughter anything in the world she wants.

[Eivuwan]

Well have you talked to your husband about your feelings?

[SoleMate]

Sometimes I feel like the daughter who gets crapped on and embarrassed and she is the wife who gets more respect!

NOBODY should get "crapped on" or "embarrassed".

 

EVERYBODY should be treated by respect by everybody else.

 

Like pretty much every other person responding here, I don't see the daughter as the issue, she's a child...it's the father. However, you could use some professional guidance as well. The solution to your husband treating you like crap is not for him to start treating his daughter like crap instead.

[crederer]

Really? So his daughter should get anything in the world she asks for and never get yelled at even if she is acting like a total snob and brat simply because she's only here for a weekend, but me as his wife, simply because he sees me everyday, should expect to get yelled at over stupid **** and be treated like I'm 12? Sounds fair!

 

 

That whole post sounded like something a 12 year old would write.....

 

No you shouldn't get yelled at every day. I dunno the situation. I don't see how his daughter comes into this though you just sound over it.