harleygirl92156 Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Hubby was working a job with all women. He started going out with them to the bar after work. I was jealous as hell and accused him of cheating. These accusations continued long after he left the job. The women I found out later were just evil and their game was to break up marriages, cause trouble for people, and just do mean things for what ever their sick reasons were. Anyway, after about 3 years of my making it clear to him that I thought he cheated on me when he was working with these women, he did go out and have a one night stand. I wonder guys, is this common. He once told me, if I had known you were going to accuse me of it I would have done it. I think maybe that is what he did. So is his affair MY fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 No one can be blamed for another person's actions. He is a grown man, his decision to cheat is his choice alone. But I do think it will have a huge effect on a relationship if one person is constantly accusing the other of something. Especially if it is unfounded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 I don't now and will never again accuse unless I have pictures, video tape, love letters, emails, see it with my own eyes, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Sometimes gut instincts are right. Don't go from one extreme to the other. What is the phrase they use for recovering from an affair? Trust, but verify. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I think it is definately a mistake to accuse your partner of having an affair when you don't have reasonable proof. There are a variety of reasons for that, one being that if the person being accused is NOT guily, they will feel great resentment. Also, the underlying factors of the initial jealousy or insecurity are not addressed. That said, the fact that your husband cheated is not in ANY way mitigated by your previous accusations. He made a decision, albeit a drunken one. And rather than become accountable to you now, he's still trying to justify his actions....and to make it someone else's fault. Is he still in counseling with the therapist who told him that he shouldn't share the details with you? Has he volunteered to give you those details anyway? The counter-accusations are an excuse. He is shifting the blame, rather than dealing with it. It's not enough to say, "I was drunk, and I'm sorry". That's NOT going to restore trust and intimacy to the relationship. He needs to be completely accountable for his actions. He'll never understand why he did what he did unless he OWNS it. You'll never be able to trust him again, until he is able to change the faulty thinking that allowed him to break his vows. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I am sorry that he actually went out and cheated on you. As for accussing him all the time and blaming yourself, I am kind of torn on that one. No, your not to blame for his A, he chose to have an A. But, I am sure w/ all the accusations he started to resent you and that is why he did it. Not saying that is right, it's not. My H of 12 years use to accuse me of cheating every time I went out w/ my friends also. When I would get home he would ask me who I slept w/, flirted w/, ect. I never gave him any reason to think I would cheat and I never did. Almost 11 years into the M HE was the one who had the A!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I went back and read again. Is he indeed making counter-claims, or are you just wondering? He supposedly had a "blackout" while drunk, and didn't know what he was doing? If it's YOU that's wondering if you caused this....then please stop. You won't help him by taking the responsibility onto yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 He is not the one that came up with the notion that he cheated because I accused him of it, I am. He has come forth with some of the details, but says he remembers very little, but swears he has told me all he remembers. I am not so concerned with the one night stand, I am however concerned more about the WHY of it because I feel there is a reason and he honestly(and I believe him) says he doesn't know why other than he was drunk. I think there is an underlying reason and want to work together to find out what it is so it can be resolved so this doesn't happen again. As far as the details, I have dropped the point because it is possible he doesn't remember anymore than he is telling me. BUT we must figure out the WHY of it I feel to have a trusting relationship in the future and to assure neither of us makes this mistake in the future. Ok, the reason I accused him is because these women would drive by our home, we lived out in the country in the middle of nowhere and on the way to nowhere. They would show up regularly where we went out for the evening so I knew he told them our plans, they would leave notes in our mail box that said he didn't love me and wasn't who or what I thought he was, etc. Plus he was going to the bar after work with these women knowing how I felt about them. After he quit, they did the same thing to a fellow we kept in contact from the same workplace and it nearly distroyed his marriage. Another woman who has worked there for years told me she has seen this group of 4 women do this to lots of couples and that they have been successful ruining two marriages. They are all married and she said it appears to be a very sick game they play. I have had doubts about what may have happened and I expressed them regularly. He knew I suspected it strongly before I was enlightened and the affair happened prior to me being educated about what these women were doing. I really feel this has a lot to do with why he had a one night stand and I feel it is something we need to look at closely. I don't blame myself, I didnt do the deed, but I think the state of our relationship and our lack of communication could have and most likely had a large role in the one night stand happening. I talked to him about it last night and he thought for a minute and said no, he was just frustrated that I accused him but doesn't think it caused it, but he thought about it for a long time before he answered. He says it happened because it was there. That is NOT reassuring. I feel there is a reason and he is afraid to say anything that may be taken as negativity toward me. Will address it with the counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 harleygirl92156, I may get burned for this one but I 'm going to say it any-ways. You should have taken out your frunstration/anger/un-trust on this specific group of women NOT your husband - and another thing under normal circulstances the person who is doing the accusing WITHOUT any proof what-so-ever is the one doing the cheating (again I say....under normal circumstances). Why don't you and the other women who's relationships were ruined by this specific group of women get together and confront them? You married ladies could probably reek havoc on theses girls! use your brains! IMHO......you played a BIG part in what he did. In MY personnal experience one can only be accused for so long and then you just give up because it seems that no matter how faithful you are - it will never be beleived so what the hell? Why not? "I'm being treated like I am nothing but a loser cheater......If you can't beat em' join em'.......I just don't care any-more!" It painfully hurts to be accused aaaaaallllll the time and you are NOT doing what you are being accused of. It hurts just as badly as being cheated on beleive it or not bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Harley.. you are at fault for accusing him, but he broke his vows to you. You two really need to work on some communication issues. Marriage counseling might do you some real good. BTW Bubbles how are you sweetie? I missed ya! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Hey......I've missed you too jmargel! you know me I'm always lurking around in the back-ground somewhere. I don't always post. Better question..........Where have YOU been? Don't you ever go away for that long again.......things have been running amuck here! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
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