Husband sent private message to another woman on Facebook who he barely knows!

[Mapper71]

I opened Facebook on our laptop and saw there was a message waiting for me. I clicked on it before realizing that my husband was still logged in and this was a message for him. When that opened however it showed previous private messages he had. There was one from a woman who he barely knows and she replied with "thanks". I had to see what he had written and he had written "I just wanted to say you look good in that bikini pic. If I had posted my response publicly my wife would kill me." Why would he go to the trouble to write such a comment to someone he barely knows? I've seen previous public posts to other women he kind of knows but not really like "I'm surprised the snow isn't melting due to your hotness" and "you are looking mighty fine". The thing is he makes these comments to other women who aren't married and as far as he knows, have no significant other. I've never seen him make a comment like that to a married woman.

 

I find this behavior wrong. I am your wife and you blatantly tell other women you barely know how hot they are. I get that he finds other women attractive as I find other guys attractive, but you don't say that kind of stuff publicly. I would never EVER make a comment like that to another guy no matter how well I knew them.

 

Do I have reason to be upset here?

[Candy_Pants]

Uh yeah, you do. He's being a dick.

[carhill]

OP, you might want to read the thread surrounding my posting on a similar matter. Here's the link to the post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/478896-cheating-really-so-black-white#post5725063

[Ultramarine]

My H does things like that...and while I haven't often expressed my negative opinion about it, I'm learning now that there have to be boundaries. Otherwise he'll keep pushing and pushing until you break...If you feel that it's cheating, tell him so and ask him not to do it. Make him understand how it makes you feel.

[angel.eyes]

Do I have reason to be upset here?

 

I think so. As a single woman, I'll tell you he's fishing for someone who might be open to his flirtations and maybe more beyond just banter. I doubt it's limited to just one person or Facebook either.

 

"My wife would kill me" is part of the invite to intrigue.

 

Be clear about your boundaries with him, and stick to them.

[tnimbus]

You have very good reason to be upset. Social media can be a slippery slope, especially if a couple hasn't actively talked about internet socialization boundaries.

[kalika]

Ummm yeah I'd be super pissed about this. It's just disrespectful. How would he like it if you were posting about how hot a guy is??

[Ninjainpajamas]

You say a woman he "barely knows" like it would've made a damn difference if he's known her for years. what's the point of even saying that, for dramatic affect?

 

Men are obviously aware of these boundaries, and he's clearly pushing them and flirting with other women...will she respond otherwise other than acknowledge his reply? sounds like that's what she did, so there's really nothing more to go off that.

 

He also didn't say it publicly to be fair, he messaged them privately...which is kinda worse honestly depending on how you look at it.

 

Anyway, his comments are pretty cheesy old-manish, and unless your husband is a looker I doubt they are very flattered, if not creep'd out by another flirtatious married man.

 

You can either slap him on the wrist for his behavior or roll your eyes at it, it sounds like he's just having a little fun...I wouldn't blow the lid on this yet until he does something a little more stupid and then you can combine it for that for an ultimate power-up, like saving that chocolate ball in candy crush.

 

I'd recommend you make this your little secret for now and keep an eye on him, he could be up to more but if you send in the police now he might start removing the evidence before you have a chance to see it. Otherwise I think he could just be getting his rocks off flirting with these other women, while disrespectful and you definitely could put your foot down, the guy is clearly showing his true colors and it's probably fairly immature and innocent unless you suspect he's the type to act on it or he's showing more initiation..but I guess some women feel like they have to keep their men in-line, but he already knows he's being a bad boy anyway.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[tornapart2002]

My husband was doing that. Always wanted other women to pay attetion to him. Last year I discovered he'd been having an affair with his ex girlfriend.

 

Sounds like your husband is an ******* too.

 

I opened Facebook on our laptop and saw there was a message waiting for me. I clicked on it before realizing that my husband was still logged in and this was a message for him. When that opened however it showed previous private messages he had. There was one from a woman who he barely knows and she replied with "thanks". I had to see what he had written and he had written "I just wanted to say you look good in that bikini pic. If I had posted my response publicly my wife would kill me." Why would he go to the trouble to write such a comment to someone he barely knows? I've seen previous public posts to other women he kind of knows but not really like "I'm surprised the snow isn't melting due to your hotness" and "you are looking mighty fine". The thing is he makes these comments to other women who aren't married and as far as he knows, have no significant other. I've never seen him make a comment like that to a married woman.

 

I find this behavior wrong. I am your wife and you blatantly tell other women you barely know how hot they are. I get that he finds other women attractive as I find other guys attractive, but you don't say that kind of stuff publicly. I would never EVER make a comment like that to another guy no matter how well I knew them.

 

Do I have reason to be upset here?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Abso-f*cking-lutely!!!!

 

All I have to say to you is that where there is smoke there is fire.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Try]

he had written "I just wanted to say you look good in that bikini pic. If I had posted my response publicly my wife would kill me."

He posted it privately to her because he was crossing the line by fishing to see if she was interested, and he knew that you and her husband would be justifiably upset about it if he let either of you see it. This woman was not interested so it ended there, but what if she were interested?

[KathyM]

Your husband crossed a boundary and is looking for attention from other women, possibly even fishing for an affair. You need to nip this in the bud. Don't allow it to continue. Talk to him, and tell him you have concerns about the marriage because you accidentally saw something when he left his FB up, and are wondering why he's contacting women to comment on their body or appearance. He'll probably come up with some dismissive thing and say he didn't mean anything by it. That is the time for you to say that that behavior disrespects your marriage and disrespects you, and gives these women the message that he might be interested in them. Now is the time for him to start realizing there are consequences for bad boundaries and that you won't put up with disrespect or bad boundaries from him or interest in other women. Don't wait for this to get worse or allow it to continue. Call him out on this now, so he realizes you will not tolerate this and that he has to stop. If there is something in your marriage that is not on track that may have led to him starting to look elsewhere for attention, now is the time to address those issues. Hopefully you caught this in time before something worse has happened, and you can do something about it.

[Raena]

I was recently on the receiving end of something just like this and I'll tell you what... it pissed me off and I told him so.

 

Some guy I don't even know... who is friends with a friend of mine and befriended me because of a conversation we had on a post on the mutual friends page. I didn't think much of it at first until he started making comments to me about all of my pictures and how beautiful he thinks I am. I go and look at this page... married with 4 children!!!! I was so mad at him.

 

Then he started with comments like... "we've been married 20 years, it just isn't the same anymore" or "it's ok for me to have a friend, she's ok with me having friends"

 

NO IT'S NOT OK!!!

 

I did end up talking to him a little bit more and told him that he needed to go tell his wife all of the things he told me, that he didn't need to go looking elsewhere for attention when she's sitting right there. 20 years together is nothing to sneeze at and it's certainly worth working on.

 

He thanked me, said I opened his eyes a little, that he was going to go try and work things out with her and he stopped with the inappropriate comments. We don't talk anymore but if he kept on with it, I would have ditched him off my fb. Not every woman is like me though. There are those that will respond to it and get sucked into the lies.

 

Yes, you should definitely be concerned with him saying stuff like this to other women... especially privately. Him doing it in that manner means he doesn't want you to know about it and that is a serious problem.

 

Personally, I don't think you should wait until you have more evidence. I'd address it NOW before it gets to the point where it's out of control and he's cheating on you. This kind of behavior is just the first step to an affair.

[Raena]

BTW... my ex did pretty much the same thing on fb before he ended up cheating on me. I caught him telling another woman this...

 

"I'm a trust fund baby, that's why I don't work. My baby's Momma is no where to be found"

 

Meanwhile, I was working 2 jobs to pay the bills while he sat at home playing farmville, ignoring our child and flirting with other women saying stuff like the above. His explanation for why he said it? He didn't want some stranger to know his story so he just made something up that wasn't true. He thought it was funny and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Not much later, after he got a job and started working... he cheated and I kicked his butt out.

 

Maybe your husband isn't as much of an ass as my ex was/is, but I'd be very concerned if I were you. It's a red flag.

[nycrunner]

He's looking to hook up. Isn't it obvious ? Hello, you don't msg random females unless you're trying to start a connection. He will cheat on you, maybe he did already.

 

that is all

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree with the single woman who pointed out that married men do this all the time to single women. They throw out little nets, hoping to catch the interest of someone. It's happened to all single gals. It's like they're working the law of averages...if you tell enough women they're beautiful, eventually one will be interested in you. They've got all the time in the world because they're not leaving their wife, so they can just play around trying to see what else they can get.

 

AS a single woman this always enraged me; these liars would try to woo you, with no intention of anything real or serious, just trying to get some energy off of you. LIke they want something from you for their own egos, but they have nothing to give you and they know it. Vampires. Emotional vampires.

 

I'm married now, and if I caught my husband doing this I would kick his ass around the block. I think you should too.

Be on high alert. When you confront him, he will weasel around, try to deny it, try to downplay it, try to make you think that you're crazy or overreacting. Don't. Believe. Him.

 

No married man who is loyal and protecting his marriage sends messages like that.

[ForeverTainted]

He may also try to make you feel guilty for "snooping". Don't. You saw something that caught your interest and checked it out. You obeyed your gut. Him doing that is just trying to make you the bad guy when you aren't the one out fishing!

[newmoon]

maybe think about why he is doing this? look at your own self and behaviors. most guys are going to look and comment on pretty women, but if he isn't getting enough satisfaction with you that might be part of it...

[newmoon]

I agree with the single woman who pointed out that married men do this all the time to single women. They throw out little nets, hoping to catch the interest of someone. It's happened to all single gals. It's like they're working the law of averages...if you tell enough women they're beautiful, eventually one will be interested in you. They've got all the time in the world because they're not leaving their wife, so they can just play around trying to see what else they can get.

 

AS a single woman this always enraged me; these liars would try to woo you, with no intention of anything real or serious, just trying to get some energy off of you. LIke they want something from you for their own egos, but they have nothing to give you and they know it. Vampires. Emotional vampires.

 

I'm married now, and if I caught my husband doing this I would kick his ass around the block. I think you should too.

Be on high alert. When you confront him, he will weasel around, try to deny it, try to downplay it, try to make you think that you're crazy or overreacting. Don't. Believe. Him.

 

No married man who is loyal and protecting his marriage sends messages like that.

 

this is really good advice, and especially for me (a single woman) i wonder why these guys come sniffing around when they are married. but eventually someone will like them back. the thing that i believe though is that they wouldn't come around me if they were happy and satisfied at home. if/when you listen to these men they often complain about their wives, so it starts at home with some lack of emotional/sexual fulfillment. the OP needs to consider why her man is actively online chatting with other women

[IfWishesWereHorses]

this is really good advice, and especially for me (a single woman) i wonder why these guys come sniffing around when they are married. but eventually someone will like them back. the thing that i believe though is that they wouldn't come around me if they were happy and satisfied at home. if/when you listen to these men they often complain about their wives, so it starts at home with some lack of emotional/sexual fulfillment. the OP needs to consider why her man is actively online chatting with other women

 

Well, possibly you're missing the fact that some guys like Baskin Robbins because they want to try all 31 flavores! IT'S A GAME! The same guys get up at 3 am to wander around in freezing temps to shoot a deer! Do you think they give that up when they shoot one? NO! The real hunters are back at it the next weekend! Don't take pride in being someone's sport!

[beach]

I opened Facebook on our laptop and saw there was a message waiting for me. I clicked on it before realizing that my husband was still logged in and this was a message for him. When that opened however it showed previous private messages he had. There was one from a woman who he barely knows and she replied with "thanks". I had to see what he had written and he had written "I just wanted to say you look good in that bikini pic. If I had posted my response publicly my wife would kill me." Why would he go to the trouble to write such a comment to someone he barely knows? I've seen previous public posts to other women he kind of knows but not really like "I'm surprised the snow isn't melting due to your hotness" and "you are looking mighty fine". The thing is he makes these comments to other women who aren't married and as far as he knows, have no significant other. I've never seen him make a comment like that to a married woman.

 

I find this behavior wrong. I am your wife and you blatantly tell other women you barely know how hot they are. I get that he finds other women attractive as I find other guys attractive, but you don't say that kind of stuff publicly. I would never EVER make a comment like that to another guy no matter how well I knew them.

 

Do I have reason to be upset here?

 

The things you type that describe how much of a douchebag your husband is - it just doesn't surprise me anymore.

 

You won't ever leave him - he knows it.

 

Don't be surprised when you come home unexpectedly to find him banging some new chick.

 

He's searching for prospects. He figures if he compliments enough women one might respond. Heck, he's probably posting ads on craigslist too for gals to meet while you work.

 

He's just creepy. You don't like him or respect him. What a sad, sad union of two people.

 

No wonder some people don't intend to marry when it looks like your M.

[newmoon]

Well, possibly you're missing the fact that some guys like Baskin Robbins because they want to try all 31 flavores! IT'S A GAME! The same guys get up at 3 am to wander around in freezing temps to shoot a deer! Do you think they give that up when they shoot one? NO! The real hunters are back at it the next weekend! Don't take pride in being someone's sport!

 

the behavior stems from dissatisfaction. that is the point. whether with themselves or the home life, whatever.

[ForeverTainted]

maybe think about why he is doing this? look at your own self and behaviors. most guys are going to look and comment on pretty women, but if he isn't getting enough satisfaction with you that might be part of it...

 

OP, Never take responsibility for somebody else's actions. You can be the best spous ever and be cheated on. I should know I did that to my husband. And I wasn't dissatisfied until i tasted the forbidden fruit.

 

I'm not saying your perfect. No one is. But if you start changing your behaviour to try to keep him from fishing for girls you are goin to set yourself up for heartache. Improving yourself isn't a bad thing but it won't change his lack of respect for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

The things you type that describe how much of a douchebag your husband is - it just doesn't surprise me anymore.

Actually, the last thread was more about what a deadbeat he is. And the one before that clarified his status as a lousy parent.

 

Mapper, in 196 posts I haven't seen you post one good thing about him, not a single redeeming quality. One would have to assume you enjoy the abuse ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Victoria7]

There was one from a woman who he barely knows and she replied with "thanks". I had to see what he had written and he had written "I just wanted to say you look good in that bikini pic. If I had posted my response publicly my wife would kill me." I've seen previous public posts to other women he kind of knows but not really like "I'm surprised the snow isn't melting due to your hotness" and "you are looking mighty fine". The thing is he makes these comments to other women who aren't married and as far as he knows, have no significant other. I've never seen him make a comment like that to a married woman.

 

 

If my husband posted that stuff...