Sick of arguing with my husband over his diet

[lollipopspot]

I also have to add that its not his responsibility to maintain YOUR self control.just because you want to eat healthy does not mean you have the right to demand he change his diet, or jeep food he wants to bring home for himself away from you. That's the textbook definition of controlling, when you decide what he can and can't eat.

 

The second part of this, about keeping tempting foods away from the house, I don't fully agree with. She doesn't have the right to demand it, but I think supportive partners can help their partners avoid temptation.

 

If I was a casual drinker, and I had a friend, partner, or even acquaintance who was trying to stop drinking, I would be supportive and not drink around them, if that seemed to be helpful or they requested it.

[Zahara]

We want to find positive ways to encourage this behavior, so they can accept it happily. None of it is about "forcing" someone. If anything, I think the whole concept of this thread exists because of the desire to NOT FORCE.

 

 

If OP and I wanted to force our SO's to eat veggies, we'd go ahead and do that and be tyrant bitches about the food and skip this thread altogether.

 

The intent is commended but you can't instill change if the other person isn't ready to fully make that mental change.

 

OP said it herself. She has been trying for several years and it has not worked. Once you start bickering and fighting over it, you create resentment and animosity -- resulting in the other person feeling put upon, forced and controlled.

 

It is a marriage and a partnership but unfortunately there are times when things just don't work out the way you want them to and the expectation that your partner at least try to stay on the same page may not come to fruition.

 

OP, good that you are setting up seperate accounts. This lessens your frustrations and anxiety.

[silvershadowbeliever]

I think the split accounts is a good idea. That way, despite his eating habits, you can rest easy about how much he's spending on those non-necessities.

 

 

I also agree with the 2nd paragraph. At no point is encouraging someone to eat healthier about control. If people are exhibiting multiple other instances of trying to control someone, then fine. But when it comes down to it, on it's own, it's not about control.

 

 

Marriage is a partnership that requires effort on both ends to keep that marriage alive. And making sure that you are around 20 years from now, especially for stuff that is very preventable, is part of that.

 

 

Sure, someone can die in a car accident. We wear our seatbelts, drive the speedlimit, and don't drive intoxicated to help prevent those things from happening. It should also be standard that someone put effort into making better eating choices to prevent early death from obesity related diseases.

 

 

We are not asking our partners to go on some insane paleo raw diet and eat nothing but grass and bird seed. Not even close. We just want to encourage better choices. Accepting more vegetables on the plate at dinnertime. Instead of another soda, flavored water. If he loves those potato chips, portion them out into ziploc baggies so he can still have what he loves, but not scarf down the whole bag.

 

 

We want to find positive ways to encourage this behavior, so they can accept it happily. None of it is about "forcing" someone. If anything, I think the whole concept of this thread exists because of the desire to NOT FORCE.

 

 

If OP and I wanted to force our SO's to eat veggies, we'd go ahead and do that and be tyrant bitches about the food and skip this thread altogether.

 

Exactly. I cannot tell you how many threads are on this forum about partners complaining about their partners not wanting sex with them and a lot of the times it's because they either do not find their partner attractive anymore due to weight gain or they've let themselves go or etc. So yes, taking care of yourself (personal hygiene, good diet, exercise) is vital to a healthy marriage and sex life.

 

I like treats too, but it should be in moderation. It's not like I'm telling him he needs to go vegan or paleo...just to eat healthier...more veggies, less carbs and sweets. I don't mind being the primary income earner when it comes to necessities...such as food and basic living expenses. But if he wants all these "extras" outside the budget, he needs to find additional work.

Edited May 30, 2014 by silvershadowbeliever

[Keenly]

Exactly. I cannot tell you how many threads are on this forum about partners complaining about their partners not wanting sex with them and a lot of the times it's because they either do not find their partner attractive anymore due to weight gain or they've let themselves go or etc. So yes, taking care of yourself (personal hygiene, good diet, exercise) is vital to a healthy marriage and sex life.

 

I like treats too, but it should be in moderation. It's not like I'm telling him he needs to go vegan or paleo...just to eat healthier...more veggies, less carbs and sweets. I don't mind being the primary income earner when it comes to necessities...such as food and basic living expenses. But if he wants all these "extras" outside the budget, he needs to find additional work.

 

You still don't see the problem. You are playing mom to your husband. Its condescending and will build animosity . You can't force some one to live life the way you want them to.

[bwright42tx]

I told him yesterday that we will each be opening our own accounts. He will do his today and I will do mine tomorrow when I'm off of work. Joint account will be used for bills only.

 

Do any of you have any suggestions about how to go about paying for household expenses when one person makes less than the other? Should each person still pay 50/50? I know he makes less, but I am not comfortable with him paying less than his share as working part time and minimal effort to find a second job or full time work has been his choice this past year. I don't think it is fair for me to pay more than 50% of things considering. Maybe lack of money will make him realize that he needs to get moving about finding a second job like I have, instead of just relying on me.

 

Keenly, honestly, I can understand that if someone is single, but when you're married, you make sacrifices. It's not just about YOU anymore. If you just want to do what YOU want and pay not attention to others then by all means, stay single. I've made my fair share of sacrifices and I expect my husband to do the same otherwise there is no marriage.

 

Considering he is not financially responsible, that means I will have to take control of the budget. I don't think saying, "no eating out more than once a week" is unreasonable. If he is unhappy about that, the answer is getting a second job and not sitting around with a woe is me attitude.

 

I'm not entirely sure how you should split the bills. We've always been a one income family, so that issue has never come up for us.

 

Since you currently make more money than your husband, I don't think it's an unreasonable idea that you might contribute a little more than your husband to the basic bills, but not an enormous amount, especially since you seem to think he could make more money and is just choosing not to.

 

I'd look at his income, double it, and make a budget based on that with you each contributing half. If that covers 100% of your expenses, and leaves him with a little spending money I think that's fair.

 

If however, double his income won't cover the bills then you need to see what you would cut out of the budget if you had to, and come up with a reasonable budget based on double his income, and decide whether to cut everything above that, or whether you are willing to pay for that on your own.

[bwright42tx]

You still don't see the problem. You are playing mom to your husband. Its condescending and will build animosity . You can't force some one to live life the way you want them to.

 

I disagree. My wife has been trying for years to convert us to a whole/real food diet, away from heavily processed foods and too much fast food. I don't see this as her trying to be my mother, but as her being a caring spouse who wants what's best for her husband and her kids.

 

Now she's also not trying to force feed this down our throats, saying my way or the highway, you can never eat anything that's not on this list, etc.

 

I do agree that in some instances it can be a control issue, but in many instances it's a love issue, and not about control at all, and it doesn't have to breed resentment. I guess that's the biggest difference, how you react when he pushes back...if you lay the groundwork for the changes, help with the healthy choices/meals, but at the same time accept the fact that he can make his won choices, and react well when he makes those choices, then it's fine.

 

I do agree there are two separate issues here, the eating and the budgeting and they should be addressed separately and handled differently. At the end of the day the OP has to accept that he can spend his money on whatever he wants, including junk food. But she can still try and help him to make healthier choices.

[bwright42tx]

Funny enough, I love flamin hot cheetos. They're awful for me but for whatever unknown reason I am insanely addicted.

 

 

I cannot buy a bag. Nope. I will eat the whole bag.

 

 

My boyfriend bought a bag of hot cheetos the other day and in my head I'm thinking "crap. crap crap crap".

 

 

As soon as he got home, he went in the kitchen, portioned out the whole bag intto serving appropriate ziploc baggies, and then brought me the baggies saying "I know how bad you feel when you eat the whole bag, so now you can take a baggie with you to work and have a little bit everyday".

 

 

That meant a lot. And the fact that he knows to do that shows that the right ideas are in his head, he just hasn't yet applied those ideas to his own diet.

 

I think this is a perfect example of something done the right way. Your boyfriend knows you and found a way to support your healthy eating desires while allowing you to have a snack he knows you love, and in a way that saves money vs. buying the ridiculously expensive single serving size bags of chips.

[pteromom]

 

Do any of you have any suggestions about how to go about paying for household expenses when one person makes less than the other? Should each person still pay 50/50?

 

You go by %... figure out what % of the income each of you make, then add up the bills, and you pay the same % of those.

 

I don't think saying, "no eating out more than once a week" is unreasonable. If he is unhappy about that, the answer is getting a second job and not sitting around with a woe is me attitude.

 

Yes it is unreasonable. But it is NOT unreasonable to say "you can use your extra money after bills for whatever you want, but once it is gone, it's gone, and our joint account won't be used for eating out.

[bwright42tx]

You go by %... figure out what % of the income each of you make, then add up the bills, and you pay the same % of those.

 

But when he is choosing to earn less than he is capable is that really a fair split?

[silvershadowbeliever]

But when he is choosing to earn less than he is capable is that really a fair split?

 

Exactly. I am tired of him feeling like he can "just fall back on me" and isn't understanding the importance of working full time and furthering his career so we can eventually own a home, travel and etc. It's been several years and I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck. It would help a lot if he could at least find a second job until he does find something full time. I feel like I'm the only one working 2 and 3 jobs to be able to do something fun once in awhile while he's working on call basically. I think the finances are the biggest issue. It's not that I want to control him. I'd like to have a supportive life partner whom I can have a healthy lifestyle with. But the finances are the biggest issue.

[pteromom]

But when he is choosing to earn less than he is capable is that really a fair split?

 

Yes. That's reality right now.

 

And do you really want to get into THAT game? If he decides you could be making more somewhere down the road, or if you have a child and go to part-time, you want him to say "No, you are capable of making XXXXX so you have to pay that amount."

 

If he is paying his % ,and not making much money, he isn't going to have much money to spend on junk food. And at least you won't feel like he is spending YOUR money.

[bwright42tx]

Exactly. I am tired of him feeling like he can "just fall back on me" and isn't understanding the importance of working full time and furthering his career so we can eventually own a home, travel and etc. It's been several years and I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck. It would help a lot if he could at least find a second job until he does find something full time. I feel like I'm the only one working 2 and 3 jobs to be able to do something fun once in awhile while he's working on call basically. I think the finances are the biggest issue. It's not that I want to control him. I'd like to have a supportive life partner whom I can have a healthy lifestyle with. But the finances are the biggest issue.

 

I think the budget is key here then! Make a budget based solely on double his income (even if that is unrealistic). It will help him to see how little he contributes. If double his income can't pay the bills, you'll have to make some decisions about how much more you're willing to contribute to maintain the current standard of living.

[pteromom]

It's been several years and I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck. It would help a lot if he could at least find a second job until he does find something full time.

 

Obviously, your current lifestyle doesn't bother him. This is a compatibility issue. You want a different life than he does.

 

He's fine with doing the bare minimum to get by.

 

You have to decide what YOU want to do... because he is who he is.

[bwright42tx]

Yes. That's reality right now.

 

And do you really want to get into THAT game? If he decides you could be making more somewhere down the road, or if you have a child and go to part-time, you want him to say "No, you are capable of making XXXXX so you have to pay that amount."

 

If he is paying his % ,and not making much money, he isn't going to have much money to spend on junk food. And at least you won't feel like he is spending YOUR money.

 

I agree with this in some respects. It's a slippery slope to go down. But it really depends on the income differences and the willingness to work. If the OP is really working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to have enough money, and her partner is only working a part-time job because he's unmotivated about finding work, how is that fair to the OP

[silvershadowbeliever]

It's one thing if you're working full time and not making much money...but what he makes part time wouldn't even allow him to rent a room or be on his own. He talks about how he wants more out of life, but I agree I think the problem here is lack of motivation.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Jesus.

 

 

I really hope your rant wasn't aimed at me, because if so, you sadly have many facts extremely wrong. But the fact that you specifically quoted me before going off seems to indicate you are ranting at me, so I will respond.

 

 

I'm not throwing fits. I'm not trying to control a man's life or play god. How you come up with such a ridiculous notion is beyond me.

 

 

Did you know that my boyfriend has actually SAID "I need to start eating healthier so I can be around 40 years from now"

 

 

Yeah. He WANTS to eat healthier. What a concept!

 

 

The issue is figuring out ways to actually get him onboard with what he wants to do. Helping make it happen for him. Cooking healthy and making appropriate serving sizes. But then he has a mental block about vegetables, and the question I have, and I'm sure the OP has this same question, is how to get him past this mental block? How to introduce him to vegetables in a positive way?

 

 

Then come the crabby "You're not god!" "Stop controlling him!" "Don't date people if you're gonna control your lives!" "There'll be resentment!" responses

 

 

Good grief. Such knee-jerk over the top reactions. Par for the course in this forum, especially in threads with really innocuous questions.

 

I quoted your post because of I was making a general argument against yours but with the OP and anyone else who agreed as welll. It wasn't a direct rant towards you, If I quote you I tend to address the quote initially then drift back into the general argument.

 

There isn't all the details in the world in an online forum, so I cover the bases of what generally happens, what people think, and the typical situations.

 

Back to the general argument...

 

The thing people don't understand again, is that people need to be willing to work as hard as you do in order to change the situation...or it's never going to work, and just merely going based off what someone has said at one point or another like "Oh I want to lose weight/eat healthy etc"...what I see people do is use that for ammunition to continually justify their own attitude and behavior in order to oppressively impose that upon their SO...because they said it at one point or one time and they hold that against them, when people often say things but don't often have the intent, motivation or will to follow through with them in reality.

 

At any rate, I think it's a long road that more often than not ends with disappointment and frustration...because you can only be accountable and responsible for yourself with the exception of children, that would take a compromise but still that's another discussion to be had and should be agreed upon...in which, if you're having issues compromising in general, I wouldn't imagine that going any easier.

 

And people never ever take into consideration compatibility, they think if they like the same tv shows or cereal that makes them compatible, but that's what really starts to dismantle the relationship over time.

 

I think people need to stop focusing on the other person and just try to be independent about these kinds of things, whatever you feel is justified in pushing your own agenda, just because you are in a relationship or marriage doesn't mean you are responsible for the other person, you're still your own person, if you felt so committed to that idea shouldn't you still be listening to your parents? after all they're the ones who raised you, everything they've ever told you is out of love....right?, did you listen? do you change for them, do you follow that advise?

 

It's not worth the roller-coaster and back and forth fighting or bickering, in the end you're more likely to push that person farther away than convince them in a relationship. Eventually that person is just going to stop talking to you about it.

 

Relationships are about endless support (assuming you want to stay in it)...through failure, until that person decides it's time for them to make a change, and you should expect them to fail if it's something they've always done or struggled with time and time again. Because you're better off accepting them for who they are along with their issues and realizing that you can or cannot simply just come in and change them, rather than beating your head against the wall and setting expectations and demands that are selfish because these are your expectations not theirs, and it's almost always destined to fail because it's more about how you than they do or you'd be in constant communication with their "feelings", don't you think? instead of becoming even more frustrated and agitated because of their repeated failure...that is personalizing that persons own decisions and making them about YOU. When they failed they fail you of course? when they succeed they support you right? That's what needs to be understood here, you've got your wires crossed.

 

For myself there's a standard and expectation of what I would expect in a partner ideally and If they don't have that quality BEFORE I get into a relationship, I don't expect that person to change within the relationship...if they do change, they make the life decision and decide they don't want to do that or be that way anymore than good for them, but they have to have the motivation themselves and I'd be a fool IMO to get into a relationship with a drug addict and expect her to change because the good graces of my "love"...I've seen far too many women get into relationships with men expecting to change them...or let's not say CHANGE them, but HELP them, help themselves improve for the better I don't believe that motivation comes from love, I believe it comes from fear...and it has nothing do with how you feel for that person but says more about how you feel for yourself.

?

 

People need to start accepting things for what they are instead of what they could be or want them to be in relationships...unlike a project at work, or some personal accomplishment, you can't live in a relationship with an expectation that you can change a person, for whatever reason you feel is justified...it really doesn't matter because it's really not even about that. Just like LS, you can give all the advice, encouragement or insight in the world, you can fully understood their issue or not...the person who makes the decision ultimately at the end of the day is that person, and guess what...old habits die hard.

 

You can't control their lives, you can't let your fears, or anxieties and all these personal feelings cloud your judgment in feeling that as long as its for the "good" or the "better" that you should keep insisting upon your ideas so that you can give each other a better and more "healthier" life, because the tools you use to incorporate that "change" will ultimately destabilize the relationship and cause conflict in other ways.

 

Love is about acceptance not change, and you can often only learn to improve yourself by first learning to love yourself and accepting things for how they really are, giving up that fight or struggle to manipulate your own world and the people in it...love is not attacking, resenting, become agitated and frustrated with someone because they don't meet your expectations that is coming from within you for other reasons...what if the best thing you do out of love for someone is to leave them? let me guess, that's never the answer right? the answer is always coinciding with your ultimate goal of being with them by "tweaking" them...hmm, that sounds a little funny don't you think, what a coincidence that all your ideas coincide with your opinion and feelings rather than doing what is "right" out of love.

[Mr. Lucky]

We want to find positive ways to encourage this behavior, so they can accept it happily. None of it is about "forcing" someone. If anything, I think the whole concept of this thread exists because of the desire to NOT FORCE.

I think the thread exists because the OP has tried to positively encourage the behavior - and, no surprise, it hasn't worked. She's not looking for bullet points for a first discussion, she's "sick of arguing" about the same thing and I'd guess she's had many opportunities to state her case. Some things, regardless of the value we place on them, aren't happily accepted by our partners. That's just the frustrating reality of marriage.

 

The only thing she can change is her own actions and feelings. She should focus on reinforcing her own positive goals and behaviors rather than worrying about his negative ones. If the tent pole of my weight loss program is based on my partner's actions, I'm already in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 30, 2014 by Mr. Lucky

[crederer]

I don't have any advice, as I'm stuck in a similar spot with my boyfriend, so I know how you feel and am also interested in hearing of any solutions other posters may come up with.

 

I cook main dishes that he likes, and side dishes that are healthy, and I portion out his servings in tupperware.

 

 

Not surprisingly, the main dish gets finished, but the side dish he will take a few bites out of politeness and then refuse to eat anymore. Even when he says "Hmm, this surprisingly tastes kinda good, but it's green, so I can't eat it on principle"

 

 

It's getting past the anti-healthy mentality that is the most difficult.

 

lol what?!

 

Anyway, OP sounds like getting rid of the joint account will solve the problem for the most part.

Just curious, how long have you two been together before marriage? I'd assume these issues were there prior to marriage.

[shortee]

Anyone can say I'd like to do xyz for the sake of argument, especially if you are ragging on them and starting arguments. But then you don't realize its just meant to appease you. You aren't his mommy and can't nag at someone to eat their vegetables. It's his body and his choice. You can't go telling people how to control their bodies and behavior. How would you like it if your husband or boyfriend told you get a haircut or plastic surgery? You can only cf control your body. So if your man brings home potato chips, get some will power and walk out of the room. I do agree that you need separate accounts for bills and food. You buy healthy food for yourself. Nevermind what your husband does.

[giotto]

easy... separate accounts, so he can buy whatever he wants to eat with his money... if he brings unhealthy food in the house, do you really have to eat it? Just don't. Leave the room. You can't stop him bringing the food he likes in the house. If you really hate it and think it's disrespectful, then he is not the man you want to spend your life with. You can encourage him, but if he doesn't want to do it, you can't force him. The only thing you can do is try. If you don't get any results and he won't budge, then leave him. Obviously, this is making you very unhappy.