Trying to stop drinking vs husband

[Mommame2]

I have posted here about the problems with my husband.

 

 

Well, I would like to ask a question about alcohol. For YEARS - I have come home from work and drank wine with my husband. Sometimes a bottle a night (just me). As of late, I realized that I was drinking FAR more than usual. On the weekends I would start in the afternoon with girlfriends and consume possibly a total of 2 bottles of wine by night's end.

 

 

This past weekend, my son and husband left town to see his family and I stayed home. I woke up on Sunday and decided - no more drinking. I could do this!

 

 

So, it has now been 5 days - no alcohol. I am proud of myself. I talked to my therapist about this...(for the first time) and she thought it was POSSIBLE that I was an alcoholic. She told me that what I was doing was great and she wondered my husband had never asked me about my behavior (drinking alone etc)... I told her I thought he didn't really care.

 

 

Anyway, when he returned on Tuesday, I told him that I had given up alcohol and that I was doing really well. He said "great!".. And every night I come home...he drinks ....I don't.

 

 

Tonight, I came home and he had heated up a pizza for me and poured me a glass of wine!!! I looked at him and said ?! WHY ?! did you pour this? He said....I thought you would want it. I said "no thank you". He responded with "geez now you are making me feel bad..."

 

 

I said no...no worries. I left it alone. But, What do you make of this?

 

 

BTW - I'm scared now ...that I may be an alcoholic..so I am going through that fear too... I WANTED that wine...but chose against it.

[d0nnivain]

he probably doesn't think you are an alcoholic. He thought he was doing something nice. He's not trying to sabotage you but he may have thought you were just cutting down not stopping all together. As you stay strong he will see & respect your change.

[Mommame2]

By what I describe....do I sound as if I am an alcoholic?

 

 

I have been worried about it all myself... I haven't been able to stop being concerned.

 

 

I have taken those online tests...and no I haven't showed up to work drunk or been unable to continue my normal daily life.

 

 

However, I do know that I have gone to work a bit hung over...and I have drank myself to sleep. I haven't gone an entire day without a drink in probably 2 years...except if I was sick...

 

 

Now I wonder if I need to avoid it all together?

[d0nnivain]

I think some of those "tests" conclude everybody is an alcoholic.

 

 

If you think you drink too much, then you do. I think cutting down is an OK response rather than stopping altogether.

 

 

Almost 14 years ago I got a DWI. I was shocked at myself because I didn't think I'd had that much to drink but I blew a very high reading. It was embarrassing. At that point I vowed to slow down. I haven't had a drink & driven a car since. By limiting my out of house drinking it really curtailed my intake.

 

 

I learned that I can't have 1 drink because the 1st inhibition I lose is the ability to say No thank you; I don't want a 2nd drink. The minute I have the 2nd drink I'm over the limit to drive because that's how my body processes booze.

 

 

When I stopped drinking when I had to drive, the high tolerance I had built up -- like you I could drink 2 bottles of wine -- diminished. Now I have 1-2 glasses & feel buzzed so I stop. Yes, there are times when I keep partying but those are parties & they are few & far between, in controlled situations where I won't be driving.

 

 

If you find that you can't cut down, if you crave it, if you use it to cope, if you have no social life that doesn't involve drinking, if you can't go 1 day or more without a drink, then yes, I think you have a problem. If those things aren't factors, having a glass or two of wine after work shouldn't be a problem. Only you know how it's affecting the rest of your life & your family.

[littleplanet]

I think some of those "tests" conclude everybody is an alcoholic.

 

 

If you think you drink too much, then you do. I think cutting down is an OK response rather than stopping altogether.

 

 

Almost 14 years ago I got a DWI. I was shocked at myself because I didn't think I'd had that much to drink but I blew a very high reading. It was embarrassing. At that point I vowed to slow down. I haven't had a drink & driven a car since. By limiting my out of house drinking it really curtailed my intake.

 

 

I learned that I can't have 1 drink because the 1st inhibition I lose is the ability to say No thank you; I don't want a 2nd drink. The minute I have the 2nd drink I'm over the limit to drive because that's how my body processes booze.

 

 

When I stopped drinking when I had to drive, the high tolerance I had built up -- like you I could drink 2 bottles of wine -- diminished. Now I have 1-2 glasses & feel buzzed so I stop. Yes, there are times when I keep partying but those are parties & they are few & far between, in controlled situations where I won't be driving.

 

 

If you find that you can't cut down, if you crave it, if you use it to cope, if you have no social life that doesn't involve drinking, if you can't go 1 day or more without a drink, then yes, I think you have a problem. If those things aren't factors, having a glass or two of wine after work shouldn't be a problem. Only you know how it's affecting the rest of your life & your family.

 

This says a lot.

Hard to add more to it, except to reinforce what's been said here:

I'd follow your own gut instincts.

If you go an extended length of time alcohol-free, you may find that one day you feel okay about moderate intake.

You may find that moderate intake that suits you - is far, far less than what you used to consume (as the above poster says.)

 

Or on the other hand.....you may find that you don't want it at all.

Not worth the worry.

That you wanted it - but chose against it.....

that's worth its weight in gold, OP

[BikerAccnt]

By what I describe....do I sound as if I am an alcoholic?

 

 

I have been worried about it all myself... I haven't been able to stop being concerned.

 

 

 

It doesn't matter what we, or anyone else thinks, what matters is what you think. If you've been concerned about yourself, that's enough reason to make a change.

 

 

I'm a former big drinker/alcoholic/call it what you will. I quit when drinking was it no longer fun, when the trouble it brought wasn't worth the time it was taking up. When I drank ....just because.

 

 

As far as why would your husband pour you the wine? That's easy. He's afraid he's going to lose a drinking buddy. Regardless of if he's an alcoholic, or you are, you're quitting drinking is changing a staple of the relationship and routine you are both used to. Your quitting drinking IS going to have an effect on him one way or the other. You need to prepare for that.

 

 

Anyway, its going to be hard for you to quit drinking if your husband doesn't change his habits too. I'm not saying he has to quit drinking, but he needs to respect your decision to quit, and to keep his drinking while around you to a minimum.

 

 

You may want to try out the website soberrecovery.com Lots of great people and great resources if you really want to change your drinking. Best of luck to you.

Edited May 30, 2014 by BikerAccnt

[Mommame2]

Well I thank you for your responses and insight.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so clear headed this week since I haven't been drinking. It's a good feeling.

 

But I am facing the weekend/parties etc. I am wavering on what to do. I'm just feeling so strong about not drinking I'm worried I'm going to lose this if I do drink.

 

To make matters worse ... My husband knows I gave up wine. Last night as I said he poured me wine... Which I declined.

 

Then today he just texted me after I told him I was hungry and he responded I bet your thirsty too... Happy hour?

 

I just don't know how to feel or what to do.

[Art_Critic]

you need to tell your husband to knock it off.....

 

he should be supportive of your journey and fer gawd sakes go to a few meetings of AA.. stand up in a meeting and mention your name, that you are trying to stay sober and need a someone to sponsor you...

 

You need to stay away from partying type place for 90 days.. min..

I stayed away from any bars or partys for about a year, this June I will be sober 27 years.. I think if I'm counting right.

 

Something to remember...

 

"If you think you have a problem with Alcohol then you DO have a problem with Alcohol, those people who do not have problems with Alcohol don't ask themselves that question"

[CaliGypsy]

You said you two drank wine together. Your husband might be feeling like he's losing his "drinking buddy" maybe it's even sub-conscious.

 

If you feel you've been drinking too much, you're really the best judge.

[Mommame2]

What is so strange... Is that I have just quit. Cold turkey and while I have been tempted (like tonight) I have not given in or felt a huge push to give in.

 

It has been YEARS since I have gone more than a day without drinking (albiet many times it was only 2 glasses Max).

 

But my point is that I'm scared to drink another drop only because I feel so strong right now and it is almost effortless. What if I have a couple glasses as I get back in that old pattern again?

 

How I'm so strong this week is almost like I have a guardian angel or something I am NEVER this strong about it.

 

I didn't drink tonight. At dinner I ordered a Shirley temple with my son. Husband got a beer. When they came back and asked him if he wanted another he said sure my wife will help me finish it off. I said no thank you.

 

He is really testing me .. But it seems like it is having the opposite impact. I want to scream F U when he does that... And saying no is making me feel strong (at least for tonight).

 

This weekend could me another story. My girlfriends drink a lot.

 

To recap... My story is that I have been drinking at least 2 drinks a night for 7 years. The last few months on the weekends I've started early... And had at least a bottle day (throughout the course of the day).

 

And shamefully I will admit I have driven after consuming 3 or 4 glasses of wine. One time... Recently.. With my son in the car.

 

I will NEVER do that again.

[Art_Critic]

you need to remember that Alcoholism is a disease that tells us it's okay to have that first drink, it's a denial based system.

 

If you don't get a support system to help you, you will go back and drink like you had never quit.

 

your husband isn't testing you.. he is trying to break you and not being supportive of a lifestyle change of yours.

 

do you have family you can confide in ?

[Mommame2]

I don't... I am in therapy... But that is just once a week.

 

My family is not very kind or supportive, unfortunately.

 

The thing is.. Even I asked my therapist if she thought I could just cut back and drink one of 2 and be ok?

 

She said I would have to see on my own and that she can't answer that for me. But she thought what I described was either alcohol dependence or abuse

 

I guess I just know I feel SO different right now and clear headed. I'm afraid to lose that but it may be totally fine... Maybe I can just cut back?

 

I just don't know. My husband doesn't seem to think I have a real issue. But he drinks a lot, as well.

[Glinda.Good]

Your husband is certainly not being supportive of your efforts to not drink. If you decide to drink, please make that choice on your own and not because he is nudging you in that direction.

[SkyLex]

hi mommame2.. first of all, i think you have a great determination on staying away from alcohol (as i envy that, because an alcoholic like me don't have the same determination as yours.. how do you do that?).. what i think about your situation is that maybe your husband is just missing the old times when the two of you used to drink together. and he is not yet ready with the changes..

[d0nnivain]

When he poured you the one glass of wine I was willing to think that he was being nice & not paying tons of attention to your concerns because he didn't share them.

 

 

His text is a different story -- he's affirmatively trying to sabotage you. That is uncool. You have to call him on it immediately & he has to support your efforts. If he doesn't this will become a huge point of contention.

 

 

It is possible to be around drinkers & not drink. I was in a bar with my husband from 7 pm to midnight last night. I had a bottle of water & a Snapple then drove us both home. It's funny because it's been so long -- 14 years as I said -- everybody in the bar knows I don't drink on Fridays because I have to drive. Once in a while I will drink & we'll take a taxi home. It was admittedly harder to be the only sober person in the beginning but now it feels more normal. People don't even really offer me drinks out any more. Sometimes somebody might say are you drinking or driving, so they know what to get me but the "pressure" disappeared after a few weeks of me learning to say no thank you.

 

 

You can do this & you must for son You can't even have 1 & get in the car with him.

[Mommame2]

That's the thing, SkyLex... I don't know where this determination has come from. It is almost as if someone started praying for me or something ... I can't explain it.

 

I am def still tempted but in the last 7 years I have never had this resolve.

I always drank ... Daily. At least 2 drinks.

But the last few years ... I would say at least 3 or 4 glasses of wine a night.

 

My job requires me to be on camera daily and I look back now and realize I was not batting a 100 every morning at my last job. I also ended up eating garbage when I drank... So I woke up feeling like crap all the time. I just thought I was "tired". There were only a few occasions I admitted to myself that I might be hung over.

 

I don't know if I'm an alcoholic. But I admit I'm scared to break this awesome pattern I have in place right now.

 

I'm telling you 2 weeks ago (on weekends) I was thinking of ways to start drinking around noon. (At home..only w kiddos around).

 

I just hope my resolve continues. My husband is not helping. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic.

 

 

hi mommame2.. first of all, i think you have a great determination on staying away from alcohol (as i envy that, because an alcoholic like me don't have the same determination as yours.. how do you do that?).. what i think about your situation is that maybe your husband is just missing the old times when the two of you used to drink together. and he is not yet ready with the changes..

[Tayla]

this disease is erratic. It will send you on dry spells to give you the misleading idea that if you can just control it you'll be fine. The key is a change in habits and attitude. I pray that you remain on this steadfast course. IS your spouse a medical doctor? I mean that question sincerely. If he is, then I would take some value in his diagnosis. Otherwise I'd place his opinion to the side and perservere.

The first few years are challenging , be good to yourself and those around you during this new found way.

[Mommame2]

No he isn't a medical doctor. Not even close.

 

I will stay the course today (today is my test because I'm going to have lunch with girlfriends who drink like fish...one just got a DUI and still drinks).

 

I am trying. I feel strong.

[Tayla]

Great! Use that as a validation to not go back to the old drinking habits.

 

I didnt put myself in compromising situations early on. Why go back into a burning house when its stil got smoldering embers? Best to avoid those social events until more time and resistance has been ascertained. Its your body and life so may you get thru this with flying colors!

[Mommame2]

That's what I'm scared of. I almost feel like I shouldn't go to lunch w my girlfriends who drink like that...

 

How did you handle that? I will prob lose some of my friends ...

[d0nnivain]

That's what I'm scared of. I almost feel like I shouldn't go to lunch w my girlfriends who drink like that...

 

How did you handle that? I will prob lose some of my friends ...

 

 

You may lose some friends.

 

 

I am still friends with all my hardcore partiers. It doesn't bother me to be around them but some don't want to be the only one sober.

 

 

Many of them cut down because I did. Most no longer drive after drinking.

 

 

None of them gave me any grief. . . but I also never tried to change them, except maybe subtly because I will suggest that we do things that don't involve booze.

[Mommame2]

My husband asked me again today why I wasn't drinking. I told him that I had talked to my therapist and I was concerned enough to stop for awhile. He said oh well you have been doing really well.

 

So tonight when getting dinner I told him that I felt so good... That I couldn't explain it, but that I felt happier since I gave up alcohol.

 

He responded sarcastically.."thanks... Way to make me feel bad.. Nice job".

 

I told him that wasn't very nice and I would appreciate his support. He said well I am supporting you....(he said it as he opened a beer and walked away).

 

I know this is prob more about him than ME but u must admit it sucks when he does that.

 

Any advice ?

[d0nnivain]

Ignore his comments like that. He's thinking you are trying to change him & that you are judging him. You can't rationally convince him otherwise.

[Madman81]

Partners who are insecure about something in their own lives tend to be the worst saboteurs of the other's self-improvement efforts. I've been through this with my wife when I've decided to lose weight and get in shape; everything from "you're making me feel bad" to "but I LIKE you as a bigger guy". The same goes for alcohol -- you try to improve things in your own life by modifying or trying to eliminate your habits, and they end up responding with how your decision to improve your own life negatively affects THEM. It's textbook and it's very frustrating.

 

OP, it seems clear that your husband is trying to sabotage your efforts, repeatedly. This was clear to me from your first description, when he put a pizza in the oven and poured you a glass of wine. For God's sake, you'd literally JUST TOLD HIM that you were giving up alcohol. What part of "giving up alcohol" didn't he understand?

 

Sorry to be a bit strident.... this stuff is touching a bit of a nerve right now.