Self-awareness leads to...

[IDK123]

Good, I'm glad you decided to respond because I've been waiting...

 

I too am truly sorry for your terrible childhood but your story still does not change my response, in fact, I'm more adamant than ever about the things I've said.

 

I have several points I want to address first;

 

You're right; there might be a lot of assuming. There HAS to be since no one KNOWS you on here. This is an anonymous forum after all. I've already commented on another post about "assuming" and how it's hard not to assume when all we have to rely on are a few carefully chosen words to string together in a sentence that need to somehow convey just the right emotion and feeling and experience. Some people are good at it and can tell a full and complete story leaving little to the imagination while others are not and tend to be very vague leaving out important bits and pieces that might otherwise redirect our responses.

 

As for judging, EVERYONE judges! Hell, you're doing it to me right now! And so what? You can't come onto a public forum like this and tell your story and think everyone is going to agree with you or coddle you and not pass ANY kind of judgment at all for whatever reason. The key is not to get so bent out of shape over it. Besides, what you see as judgment, I see as honest no-bullsh*t advice. Just because you don't like the response you get doesn't mean it’s wrong.

 

As for coming here seeking advice from people who can relate, I CAN RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is WHY I responded!

 

I could turn the table on you now and accuse you of the same things you've accused me of; you don't KNOW me, you're JUDGING me, you can't possibly RELATE to my story....and on and on. Funny how that works.

 

The kicker is in all of this is that I CAN probably relate more than you know. My story may not be exactly like yours but that's not to say I can't or don't understand trauma and pain or sorrow or depression and all the other terrible self-destructive thoughts and behaviors you're speaking of that are a direct result of my past. Because I do and have and this is why I spoke with such unapologetic authority in my initial response to your post.

 

I’m not going to hijack your post and go into details about MY story but my biggest life-altering experiences included (1) Relentlessly bullied by two horrible kids in elementary school that not only tortured me verbally and emotionally but were physically violent with me and (2) I was sexually assaulted and molested by three different people between the ages of 4 -12. Two were family “friends” and one was a much older cousin.

 

These experiences (among others) wreaked absolute HAVOC on my life as a teenager and as an adult in terms of my self-esteem and self-worth. It also all but destroyed what I knew to be a healthy body image and healthy relationships. Self-destructive behavior ran rampant. Eating disorders controlled my life. Depression set in when I was as young as 9 and has been a constant battle my whole life. Suicidal thoughts? You bet ya. Planned several but only attempted one without any fanfare.

 

I know what it means to be damaged. Our stories may not be identical but I've been through my own kind of hell and have come out the other side a MUCH healthier and happier person with a resolve that is unwavering. I know what it means to conquer obstacles and challenges and toxic people and situations. THIS is why I tend to be rather unsympathetic with people but especially with women who continually play the part of being a victim.

 

If that isn't enough to convince you, I understand abuse too. I worked for a shelter for abused women and children for almost 10 years. We not only provided free emergency shelter for women and children but we offered numerous free services such as legal counsel, one-on-one counselling and individual counselling for both women and children separately and many other services which would take pages to outline.

 

I was trained extensively on the dynamics of abuse which included physical, verbal and emotional. I sat with countless women and children that came from all walks of life and heard their stories. Some were basic domestic disputes that often got resolved with an hour with our lawyal dispensing legal advice while others were much more severe that went on for decades and were so violent and horrific that I became an emotional wreck myself knowing this kind of evil existed in our world, in MY community.

 

I've witnessed thousands of women and children come and go. Some make it while many repeat the same patterns over again and end up back in the shelters or using our services over and over and over again.

 

I spent years advocating on behalf of women and children. I also spoke to hundreds of churches, businesses, schools, clubs, whoever would listen to me about violence against women and child abuse and particularly the effects that violence has on children.

 

Despite what you think of me, I know your story. I KNOW your story.

 

I may have been blessed with loving and supportive parents who were relatively “normal” but that certainly didn't protect me from coming out of my youth terribly scarred and damaged at the hands of others. No one is ever guaranteed such a thing.

 

Again, your story, although horrible and heartbreaking, doesn't have to define you unless you allow it to.

 

Yes, your parents indeed are to blame for a HUGE chunk of your pain. It's normal to be angry and hurt and resentful of them. They were supposed to protect you and love you and build you up not tear you to shreds. I get that. What you have to learn is that what they did to you is THEIR karma, not yours. It’s not a death sentence for YOU.

 

And no, it’s not easy. The process of healing is NOT easy. I never said it was easy but it IS possible to overcome your painful past without looking back.

 

You want to get over your past? Get into therapy or at the very least, find a support group for victims of abuse. Check your yellow pages for organizations that cater to this. You need to start your healing process by surrounding yourself with people who've been through what you've been through but also where professionals are leading your recovery process. It is VITAL! You can NOT do this on your own.

 

It’s taken me YEARS of relentless hard work to slay my many if not most of my demons and get to this point in my life where I no longer let my past hold me back. I couldn't do it without professional help. And therapy shouldn't been seen as a cop out but rather a friendly lifeline.

 

If you haven’t already, I would strongly encourage you to read the book “A Child Called It” by David Pelzer. I've read a few books by him and he is AMAZING! If there is anyone who knows about abuse and neglect and coming out it stronger and making peace with his past, it’s him. Please be sure to check him out.

 

Dave Pelzer - The Official Site - A Child Called "It"

 

Good luck.

 

I'm a guy, not a girl.

 

"As for judging, EVERYONE judges! Hell, you're doing it to me right now! And so what? You can't come onto a public forum like this and tell your story and think everyone is going to agree with you or coddle you and not pass ANY kind of judgment at all for whatever reason. The key is not to get so bent out of shape over it. Besides, what you see as judgment, I see as honest no-bullsh*t advice. Just because you don't like the response you get doesn't mean it’s wrong."

 

You're in no position to tell me what I can or can't do. If you are unapologetic and inconsiderate in your post(s), I will call you out on it. Simple as that. You can't expect to be inconsiderate to someone's feelings and then for them not get upset about it.

I've been dealt with 'tough love' my whole life and so I'm extremely sensitive to anyone who likes to dish out "honest, no-bull****" advice, as you say. It may not be wrong, but perhaps you could go about saying it in another way, as you just did in your previous post? As someone who has grown up with abuse, maybe you'd understand that being MORE considerate to peoples' feelings and sensitivities and not LESS would be a better way to go about it?

 

Anyways, thank you for your advice in the second post.

[IDK123]

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Edited June 10, 2014 by IDK123

[IDK123]

Ok so all of this, where will this lead you? That poster told you to take responsibility and not to allow your past to define you. You got angry because you are uncomfortable with taking responsibility. Ok so what is going to happen now? How are you going to fix this? Just feel self pity?

 

Advice doesn't mean everyone pats your head and tells you how great you are and sorry that you are victim.

 

I'm sorry you grew up in an abusive home, you are not alone, there are quite a few posters here on LS with that background unfortunately.

 

What you have described about military school, that's pretty standard for everyone that goes there. You were young and that's unfortunate but by no means unique.

 

You can't blame others for not having any self-esteem, I mean you can of course but how will that help you changing that?

 

Actually, it's not standard for someone to go to a military school in High School... the one I went to was a boarding school that was not affiliated with the US Army and was just a private school with 'military' theme... they did things and treated kids in ways that went way over what would be considered 'acceptable'.

But, I honestly don't know why you're trying to discredit what I went through.

 

As to the thing about blaming, I'd like to give you an analogy.

Imagine someone hit you in the face with a bat, and left you severely battered and scarred. Whose fault would it be?

If my lack of self-esteem is directly due to the way I was treated by my 'family' when I was growing up, then who else do I have to blame?

Edited June 10, 2014 by IDK123