I have issues

[Failedusername20x]

Hi, I'm a new member.

 

Prepare yourself because this is going to be a while.

 

I am going to start off on how I ended how I am like today.

Hi, I was 18 years old when I joined the Active duty U.S Army as Infantry soldier back in 2007. Right after basic I rapidly deployed to fight the war in Iraq. During those time I have experience things that I only could of imagined before joining. When we got back to the states it was hard for me to cope that I came back alive and the things I did and seen. But then I met my first love, I never had a gf but doesn't mean I never talked to a girl, hit on a girl, express my feelings for a girl, and have sex with one. With her love she help me move forward.

Then in 2010 I got deployed again. Everyday I will write her, but then one day her writing started to feel weird. I started to get butterfly feeling in my stomach. I would read her msg and everyday it would get longer and longer. It was almost like she was feeling guilty but she never said anything about cheating or talking to other guys but I have always assume.

I mean she was precious to me during those times so I had to protect what I love. Then soon she was talking to her old crush and then I said sarcastically I guess we should break and she said I guess we should. Like wtf!!! Then soon it was over. She married someone shortly after our break up.

It took me my whole deployment to get over it. Surprisingly I got it over quick. Then I after coming back from my deployment I started flirting with every girl that I thought was attractive. I was honorable discharge out of the army in sept 2011. I first started feeling good happy that I left because I did not like all the micro management and the bs that came with the army. I joined the Army to experiance the fighting.

Soon I started to feel like unwanted, depress, stess, and all I kept thinking about was war. I would get drunk and be angry cursing at people even at my own family. I even got in a police officer face and yelled at him threatning him. Soon I started smoking weed to deal with my emotions not knowing it I started feeling happy. It was my way of dealing with fitting back into society smoking weed and drinking.

Dont get me wrong I have smoked weed before but now it came to the point that I was using it to make myself happy. Then it got worse my little brother passed away at the same time I lost my best friend in summer of 2012. My best friend killed my little brother for no apparent reason he also was a war veteran. Losing my brother was the worst thing ever and still is. My heart was already war torn and the death of my brother has scarred it even more. I drank almost everyday, and smoked weed everyday. All my money in my savings went to weed and alcohol. I just kept on digging and digging myself a bigger hole not even realizing it. I wanted to die, I wasnt going to kill myself, but If I was to die during those times I would of been happy.

I soon became broke financially unstable. Desperate for a job, I worked a dead beat job getting lousy pay but it didnt matter as long as I smoked my weed and drank beer it was good. Then I started to become anti social. I hid my self in my room and drank and smoked. This is the point when I my social skills hit down hill. I only could talk to my good friends and family. I only went to partys to get drunk and If it there was no more beer I would leave and buy some and drink in my room. I would get mad and really grumpy when people would invade my privacy.

Now its 2014 I left my dead end job and decided to go back to school and take advantage of the gi bill. I recently quit smoking cigs, yes I forgot to mention I was also a heavy smoker, I quit weed, and drink less. My heart will never be the same or be the person I use to be. I was told I act diffrent now. Maybe I should of recieved help when I first got out. I have trouble falling a sleep thinking too much about war and my little brother. But like they say with time you heal but not really if you know what I mean. After all that I been through the worst thing to do was not talk about my problems.

Hence, why I am writing so much. I still do hide in my room. I still do only talk to my close friends and family. I have not made new friends since I left the army. I have not hit on a girl since my brother passed away. But now since I'm back in school it's hard for me talk to people I cant keep a conversation. When the teacher ask a question. I want to answer it but when I try to I cant my heart starts racing, I start to take deep breaths, and eventually I will walk out the classroom to take a short 3-5 min walk.

I'm not trying to sound conceited but a lot of girls have told me with out me asking that, I was handsome, cute, and sexy but not recently because my dead end job was a delivery company and it involve no inetractions besides, '' here you go sit have a nice day. '' But girls in my class will talk to me when they have the chance, they are pretty but I'm not moved. I hate it because I cant hold a conversation with them. I fell like I'm stuck up. A girl even told me you like to play hard to get.

Well thats no the case because I'm not. But I have not seen a girl that take my breath away until today. My friend admits that I have change and that I have issues and told me that a girl can help me heal. I'm no way desperate if thats the case the girls that talks to me I will jump right on them.

But anyways today, after eating in the cafeteria in the corner by myself. I walk out side and there was this girl very beautiful caught my eyes. At first I walked passed her then I stop my heart started pounding, started feeling nervous because I know my gut instinct told me to turn around talk to her. I looked at my watch I was already running late for class and I had a mid term today. I kept walking then I stop and grabbed my balls and was like you have to. I fell in love.

I walked up to her sat next to her and said, '' Hi, how are you doing? '' She looked at me into my eyes with the brightest smile I ever seen in a while. She stared for at least good 6 seconds then replied, '' Good. '' and quickly looked away. She didn't even ask me how I was doing. It got a lil awkward I started getting nervous. Then I said, '' I dont have much time. '' and she looks back at me as I started to speak again. I stop talking for a split second. Then I said again, '' Well I dont have much time, I would like to get to know you more, may I have your number? '' She said, '' Why? ''

I thought to myself I just told you why. I started to blush and nervous because I knew now she asked me '' Why? '' why do I want to get to know her. I said, '' Well I dont do this often, you really are pretty, and I will want to get to know you more. '' At this point we just stare at each other our eyes following one another for a good 6 seconds. Then she looks down at her phone and look back at me she said, '' I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. '' With a uncomfortable smile and she quickly looks away.

And I told her with a unpleasent, dissapointed, humiliated, and uncomfortable facial expression, '' No, I'm sorry, I should of known, I'll be going now. Bye. '' As I was walking away I turned around and she was just staring straight ahead like she been shell shocked.

But I felt like she lied to me or am I in denial?, I probably will never ever see this girl again because I seen almost the same girl everyday during those times, there probably wont be a girl like her that can move me like that for a long time. My heart hurts, I feel like I'm in love. Love at first sight? If I see her again should I go say hi again? Has my past made me social awkward? Is it because I lock myself in my room? Why can't I small talk? Why do I feel like I cant speak in class? Please help me? I ask my friend all does is laugh and tell me simple things like just talk, or say it with out thinking to much. Idk help back in hs I was so outgoing so talkative now its like leave me alone? And this girl I can't get her out of my mind.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Failedusername20x

[Failedusername20x]

Not even one comment, I'm pretty sure you guys enjoyed reading about my life. Not even one comment like '' Your just crazy! '' plz anything helps. I learned to live with those type of comments already.

[esteem-jam]

It seems to me being in deployment made you feel wanted, important, valuable.

You said you seen all kinds of things in war - do they terrify you, scare you, give nightmares. Do you think you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? You could contact the military service and go to some group therapy (one episode from show Homeland comes to mind).

 

And that girl outside of cafeteria. That seemed too fast. What comes to mind what you could of said: "Hey are you from here, this city? Yes? Strange, I havent seen you before. Do you come here often? I come here sometimes, nice coffee. Id like to see you again."

 

If you are going to classes, treat is seriously. Your grammar seems buggy, only saying because I care (a little).

[Potz4prez]

The more concise and better organized a post, the more comments you'll get. No one likes walls of text.

[HeavenOrHell]

Your post is too long, with no paragraphs, I can't read it, sorry.

[HeavenOrHell]

Talking of 'buggy' grammar, it's could *have* said, not could *of* said.

You missed some apostrophes out.

And it's treat *it* seriously, not *is*

Just sayin'.

 

It seems to me being in deployment made you feel wanted, important, valuable.

You said you seen all kinds of things in war - do they terrify you, scare you, give nightmares. Do you think you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? You could contact the military service and go to some group therapy (one episode from show Homeland comes to mind).

 

And that girl outside of cafeteria. That seemed too fast. What comes to mind what you could of said: "Hey are you from here, this city? Yes? Strange, I havent seen you before. Do you come here often? I come here sometimes, nice coffee. Id like to see you again."

 

If you are going to classes, treat is seriously. Your grammar seems buggy, only saying because I care (a little).

[pink_sugar]

Talking of 'buggy' grammar, it's could *have* said, not could *of* said.

You missed some apostrophes out.

And it's treat *it* seriously, not *is*

Just sayin'.

 

Don't forget about you're* and not your*.

[Failedusername20x]

It seems to me being in deployment made you feel wanted, important, valuable.

You said you seen all kinds of things in war - do they terrify you, scare you, give nightmares. Do you think you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? You could contact the military service and go to some group therapy (one episode from show Homeland comes to mind).

 

And that girl outside of cafeteria. That seemed too fast. What comes to mind what you could of said: "Hey are you from here, this city? Yes? Strange, I havent seen you before. Do you come here often? I come here sometimes, nice coffee. Id like to see you again."

 

If you are going to classes, treat is seriously. Your grammar seems buggy, only saying because I care (a little).

 

 

Thanks for reading. I don't have ptsd. Does it scare me? Hmmm if I hear a loud sound and not prepared for it yes. Do I have nightmares? I had one 2 days ago. I was on my base, rockets came in, firefight came shortly, I picked up my rifle seen a man peeking around the corner shot him in the face. Then I woke up, stayed awake, then waited till it was time to go to class.

 

Well like I said I dont have the social skills I use to have. So it was hard for me to even approach but I do think I could of done better.

[Failedusername20x]

But I felt like she lied to me or am I in denial?, I probably will never ever see this girl again because I seen almost the same girl everyday during those times, there probably wont be a girl like her that can move me like that for a long time. My heart hurts, I feel like I'm in love. Love at first sight? If I see her again should I go say hi again? Has my past made me social awkward? Is it because I lock myself in my room? Why can't I small talk? Why do I feel like I cant speak in class? Please help me? I ask my friend all does is laugh and tell me simple things like just talk, or say it with out thinking to much. Idk help back in hs I was so outgoing so talkative now its like leave me alone? And this girl I can't get her out of my mind.

[pteromom]

You aren't in love.

 

But here's my guess as to what is going on.

 

You said you withdrew from people and life after losing your brother. You had yourself walled off emotionally, to keep yourself safe. After all, love = loss, right?

 

When you felt something for this girl, it was like a dam breaking. The wall crashed down, and that is overwhelming for you, so you are interpreting your feelings as love.

 

But it isn't love. Love requires actually knowing someone.

 

I think that you will be ok. You are shaking yourself out of an emotional coma, and you need to give yourself some time and care.

 

As for what the girl was thinking, yes, I believe she lied to you too. Probably because your response was so out of the ordinary that it made her uncomfortable. If you see her again, be very casual and smile and act "normal" and apologize for your strange behavior before. You never know what may happen.

 

You need some counseling to help you through the pain with your past and your brother. That needs to be your #1 priority. Dating will come later.

[Failedusername20x]

You aren't in love.

 

But here's my guess as to what is going on.

 

You said you withdrew from people and life after losing your brother. You had yourself walled off emotionally, to keep yourself safe. After all, love = loss, right?

 

When you felt something for this girl, it was like a dam breaking. The wall crashed down, and that is overwhelming for you, so you are interpreting your feelings as love.

 

But it isn't love. Love requires actually knowing someone.

 

I think that you will be ok. You are shaking yourself out of an emotional coma, and you need to give yourself some time and care.

 

As for what the girl was thinking, yes, I believe she lied to you too. Probably because your response was so out of the ordinary that it made her uncomfortable. If you see her again, be very casual and smile and act "normal" and apologize for your strange behavior before. You never know what may happen.

 

You need some counseling to help you through the pain with your past and your brother. That needs to be your #1 priority. Dating will come later.

 

Thanks a lot. Yes I did withdrew myself from people. Love does require knowing someone. I wish I have someone smart as you around me. I don't even know how to react toward my feelings sometimes. I can't even hold a conversation with a stranger for more than 5 minutes. It gets socially awkward. I can't speak up in class when I want to. These things are bothering me and yes it has to do with my past.

 

I do need counseling, It helps if I talk to people, but sometimes people look at me and just say it will be alright. Will I go see a counselor? My pride as a soldier won't let me.

 

Thanks when I do see her again. I will apologize, be '' Normal '' because obviously I have problems, and have a talk.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Failedusername20x