Too much guilt.. undateable?

[burningashes]

Hi,

 

This is a bit of a long post. I guess, I feel like venting a little and have wanted to eventually post here about my real difficulties. I haven't wanted to disclose this because it is so easy to identify people, but it is a huge factor in how I interact with people.

 

Okay, here goes- I'm actually hearing impaired- although I identify myself as a Deaf person, culturally and otherwise. American Sign Language is my first language, and English my second. I have a BA degree and am deciding what to take for my masters' degree. Obviously, I am no less intelligent than any of you out there because I can't hear at all.

 

I've been single for a very long time (5 years now). I consider myself fairly attractive, and have never had issues dating people up until what happened five years ago. You can read a little about it here, but to summarize things up, I was involved with a police officer in a serious relationship while I tried to be on friendly terms with my LTR ex.

 

I made the wrong decision to sleep with my ex one night, and tried to hide this from my boyfriend at the time. Naturally, he picked up that something wasn't right until I disclosed.

 

I was subjected to interrogation like treatment from him. I was very remorseful, and did everything he asked me to. That included cutting off all our mutual friends, giving him access to all of my emails, phone etc, and telling both of our families and friends. I even went as far to get a restraining order against my ex.. years later, I know this was a huge mistake because that wasn't necessary. I did this because I wanted to show my boyfriend I would do anything for him and that I was serious about fixing this relationship.

 

As much as I tried to understand, it was destroying me emotionally. Being called a whore and other names for months. I was shoved aside, had things thrown at me and were told things like "You're lucky because women have gotten shot in the face over things like this" (remember he was a cop). I apologized so many times, cried and tried to be empathetic because I wanted him happy again.. I felt so helpless whenever he triggered, and was willing to take whatever he threw at me.

 

But for the longest time, I was never sure if he went overboard or if he was within his rights to treat me the way he did as a betrayed spouse. I felt like a battered spouse at the end, who didn't know what was real or not because his interrogation was so intense. I'm convinced now he used police techniques at his disposal to get the truth from me.

 

I haven't dated seriously since, because this took a huge toll on my self esteem. I felt unworthy to date again, forever branded a cheater, that no one would want. I don't feel I have unpackaged this baggage enough, because what I went through with my boyfriend at the time was very traumatic. I went from being co-dependent to a commitphobe.. I want to try dating again, but I don't know how to.

 

I feel like he was the one that got away, if I was honest. The only thing I can do now is take what I've learned and never repeat my mistake again- I hurt him so much and would never, ever put anyone through that.

 

I still feel the hurt mainly because I haven't been able to talk much about what happened. I mentioned that I was Deaf because it limits my options sometimes.

 

I can generally discuss things, but it's really important to factor in that I can't hear. I've been dumped in the past because of it, even OLD, after letting guys know I couldn't hear, I never heard back from some of them. I'm not sure if I'm up for that again, because people, surprisingly, can be judgemental when it comes to dating.

 

So in combination of that, and my guilt over my cheating five years ago, I just haven't been able to become motivated to date again. I read about other people's exes cheating and then dating their AP right after separation etc. I never did any of that.. because five years later, I'm still single.

 

It's become such a foreign thing to me, yet I miss being touched and being loved by someone. I've honestly been happy being single, and am doing extremely well with good jobs, buying my own place and so on. So there's even less need for me to date, because I don't need a guy to support me. I've been questioning myself so much over this, I want to date but at the same time, I'm afraid I'm not ready, even five years later, because I haven't really sorted through any of this. This isn't healthy right?

 

I don't know if it's because of my traumatic experiences with my last relationship five years ago, or because I'm not wanting to go through the hassle of finding someone who would accept me despite my hearing loss. He'd have to learn sign language, so there's a lot of effort to be in a relationship with me, on both our parts.

 

There hasn't been a lack of interest from some guys I know, but I've been VERY resistant to letting anyone get close to me again. I just need to get over this hump, and just let a guy like me for this once. I wish I knew what to do, how to take this wall down so I can date and have fun again

[HappyLove]

Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you need a professional to talk to and help you get through this. I wasn't sure if you were saying the miserable cop was the one who got away. But he's clearly crazy and emotionally abused you, which he had no right to do no matter what you did! The most important thing you need to do is forgive yourself! You've learned from it there's absolutely no reason to keep beating yourself up over it!

 

Lastly, I think OLDing is a waste of time because I think it works for very few people BUT I'd suggest if you decide to do it again why not cleverly post it somehow in your profile so people are immediately aware. Hey, you may even meet someone who is hearing impaired who happens to run across your profile and you will already have that in common. This will also help eliminate the guys who wouldn't be interested in learning ASL and also prevent you from having to decide when to kind of reveal it to them. I think everyone should be as open and honest as possible on profiles i.e. kids, cross dressers .

 

Like I said OP most importantly forgive yourself. You will find a great man you need to give yourself that chance.

[burningashes]

I have, but never really felt I got enough out of it. There's only one in my city that knows ASL, and it's a bit awkward because she's part of the same community I'm in, so I see her around functions. It wouldn't be an issue if I could choose a different therapist and hire an interpreter, but I have to pay for the interpreter so it's not a option.

 

After I posted asking whether it was right he treated me the way he did, even though I was in the wrong, I got some helpful feedback that helped me decide that he did go too far with me. Though, I was the cause of it, I should have never let things escalate and left in the very beginning. So now I am needing to recover, but it's been five years, by now I should completely be ready to date again. So something's got to be wrong here, because I've been so resistant to people.

 

I've experimented a little on OLD, mentioning that I can't hear will either bring a flood of guys who think I'm a easy target, or guys who are more curious about it rather than being interested in me. It's a bit like having a white guy date a black woman because he fetishized her race. When I don't disclose in my profile, I disclose after a few messages and get mixed results. Some have been cool with it, while I don't hear back from some at all. Talk about adding insult to injury, right?

 

It sucks that I can't just show up at a dating meet up, because I need an interpreter, and generally, it's hard to be in a room full of hearing people who don't know sign language, or anything about hearing impaired people. So I've been averse to meet ups, even business conferences and the like because I can't afford to pay for my own interpreters (they are like $60 an hour).

 

I gravitate toward other deaf people, but because it's such a small community, everyone has a history with everyone. I basically grew up with everyone, so there's not really anyone I'd be interested in dating, and a lot of my friends are married now (I'm 30 now). Lately I have been travelling lots in hopes of breaking myself out of this rut I'm in, and am soon going to be leaving the country to work. Maybe somewhere else, I'll meet some interesting people, become more forgiving and start letting people in. I think I need to learn how to trust again and throw myself back into the pool. It's so hard after being in limbo for the last five years

[burningashes]

Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you need a professional to talk to and help you get through this. I wasn't sure if you were saying the miserable cop was the one who got away. But he's clearly crazy and emotionally abused you, which he had no right to do no matter what you did! The most important thing you need to do is forgive yourself! You've learned from it there's absolutely no reason to keep beating yourself up over it!

 

He never treated me like that before I disclosed my cheating. In fact, he was the best boyfriend I ever had, and we were very much in love. We were talking about getting engaged, which is one other reason why I disclosed. I never wanted to get married to him without him knowing the full story. We both very much wanted to make it work.

 

I have never thought him crazy, because I caused it. I completely understand why he turned into a completely different person and started to treat me differently. Still, it doesn't make it right, but in no way is he at fault for anything that happened. Everything was my fault and I have accepted that. Now I just need to process this and try to recover having understood this now even after this long. It was a revelation to me when people said it was possible he went too far with me, but I was in a catch 22, the problem itself.

 

I couldn't say no, because I was the one who cheated. I'm supposed to do everything my boyfriend wanted me to do. That's why I let it get as far as it did, because I thought I was supposed to take it, no matter how bad it got. He said a lot of things to me that I still think about, it's stuck with me ever since, and remembering how much anger and hurt there was. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship and not being able to deal with a fight when my new boyfriend gets upset.

 

I don't know what my boundaries should be when it comes to that sort of thing in dating. Should I allow my boyfriend to call me names when he gets upset? Where should I draw the line? Things like that.

[Andy_K]

He was abusive, and that is not justified by your actions, no matter what.

 

When you are in the wrong, as you were, there is only one way to deal with it. You both agree on the things you need to do or change in order for the relationship to continue. If you do those things to the word, his part of the deal is that he drops the blame game. No names, anger, nothing. If he does slip up he then needs to apologise. If those things aren't enough, or he can't do that, then no healthy relationship is possible and you have to leave.

 

That's where you draw the line. If your partner is forever holding into your guilt, you cannot be with them. You can't live and grow under the shadow of always being at fault.

[DArtagnan2]

I don't know if your hesitation is from the last experience with dating the cop, or the fact that its a lot of work, with a lot of rejection because you are hearing impaired. I find myself already done with online dating after just setting up a profile last week on Tinder and OkCupid. I am short in stature, (5'6), and many come by my profile or "swipe" right, so they somewhat find my pictures and short profile worth checking out, but rarely do I get a message from them. I can only assume they have read my profile and saw my height. Most gals like guys to be tall or at least more then 5'6 or 5'7.

 

So my guess would be that dating, or what it takes to date in your situation, is just something youre really not wanting to have to go through. That going through it it stinging a little and turning you off to the idea. For those who have some extending circumstance, like your hearing, it can be a real chore to continue to give it a go, more so then for those who don't.

 

hang in there, keep your head up, be open to what comes and continue to talk about what you need to in order to get to where you want to go.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

This is why it annoys me when people say "once a cheat, always a cheat" or "a leopard doesnt change its spots" Ive cheated too and I NEVER would again, we all make mistakes and we learn from them (well the majority do!) his treatment of you was far fetched and damaging. I think some counselling would be good for you too x

[giblesp]

We make mistakes in relationships, but the suffering you've gone through is not justified.

 

Let it go now. Its the past and its gone.

[burningashes]

Sorry for the delayed response, I've been away from the computer the last few days.

 

Thanks for your comments!

 

This is why it annoys me when people say "once a cheat, always a cheat" or "a leopard doesnt change its spots" Ive cheated too and I NEVER would again, we all make mistakes and we learn from them (well the majority do!) his treatment of you was far fetched and damaging. I think some counselling would be good for you too x

 

Yeah, I've been thinking of picking up counselling again, through the same woman and talk about these issues specifically. When I saw her I worked on getting over the break up and my guilt over my cheating. I'm over the break up now, but still have lingering doubt that I deserve a chance with someone new. Maybe she can help me get back on the dating track and learn to let this black cloud over my head go.

 

So my guess would be that dating, or what it takes to date in your situation, is just something youre really not wanting to have to go through. That going through it it stinging a little and turning you off to the idea. For those who have some extending circumstance, like your hearing, it can be a real chore to continue to give it a go, more so then for those who don't.

 

hang in there, keep your head up, be open to what comes and continue to talk about what you need to in order to get to where you want to go.

 

Exactly! It's a little of both, it was hard to separate the two in my original post, but you got it, so thank you! For that reason, I would prefer to date people who already know how to sign, but I know I should keep my mind open. I was in a long relationship (7+ years) with a hearing guy, so I know it's doable for me to do that again with someone else. I just... *sigh* have to get myself over this hump and get brave. It just stings when you don't hear back from people when you disclose things like your hearing loss . Thanks for the encouragement