Unsure123 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Hi there! I just wanted to get an outsiders perspective on a situation I'm currently in, and whether I'm being silly or not. My bf and I have been together for 2 years, with our fair share of ups and downs (more ups than downs!), and it's only been recently that I've started to question the relationship, and I'm not sure whether that's because of my undoing, or whether it's because of his actions. He's been working as a personal trainer for about a year, and has become extremely close with his boss (who's female and in my opinion, very attractive). To cut a long story short, him and I were going through a rough patch a few months ago and we had taken a break for a couple of weeks, to which she was there consoling him through the process, so he tells me - this included numerous dinner dates, which made me uneasy. We got back together, everything was fine but I still just had a funny feeling about her, the whole situation, they text constantly, and he's talking to her a lot when we're together. I've never officially met her, only said hello in passing (we work basically a few doors down from one another), and he has never really given me the opportunity to meet her properly. She had recently had to go in for surgery, a fairly major operation, to which my bf had jumped at the chance to help her out, and the minute I had suggested to help her too he got funny about it. Tonight we were meant to have a date night together but he then calls me to say he needed to take some of her belongings to her at the hospital and canned dinner. I got a little upset and felt rejected, but he tells me I'm "insecure" and "jealous" and I have "nothing to worry about". The argument escalated for majority of the day to the point where I had asked if I could spend time with him at all tonight to which he responded "no, I don't want to see you, and I'm making cupcakes to take to (his boss) tonight, so no" She's very close with all of the other trainers at the gym and my bf claims she's like it with everyone, going on dinner dates, talking to them and texting them all the time, but I just think it's beyond that - It makes me uncomfortable and no matter how much I voice it to him he always blows off the handle and we end up having a massive fight - like tonight where I haven't spoken to him since lunch time today... Please help or tell me what or if I'm doing wrong...???? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 You are not wrong to feel how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 This seems highly inappropriate to me. Cancelling a dinner date because he is doing a favour for a friend? I would be highly annoyed by that as well, at the very least it is rude and disrespectful. He should have a more professional working relationship with his boss. But it seems he is not prepared to change or even to discuss it like an adult so I guess you have 2 choices: 1) Accept this behaviour 2) Leave him Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Sounds wrong to me. He placed her first. Going forward I will just offer one bit of information. Personal trainers are THE number one profession to cheat by a large margin. They are in a constant state of temptation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 If everything was platonic, he wouldn't be reacting oddly when you requested to help her. He should be including you, introducing you, etc. The fact that he blew you off to make cupcakes for her and take her some belongings, is a red flag. How long is he going to be the hospital that he has to cancel dinner plans?! And if everyone at the gym is so close to her, why is he the only one running around for her? Telling him you felt rejected and his response that you're being insecure and jealous versus trying to eliminate those feelings by showing you it isn't true and prioritizing your feelings -- instead he magnified your insecurities even more by shutting you down and telling you he doesn't want to see you because of some stupid cupcakes for his boss. Not good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Seperate. Get out. You don't need to be the second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 they text constantly I've never officially met her, only said hello in passing (we work basically a few doors down from one another), and he has never really given me the opportunity to meet her properly. the minute I had suggested to help her too he got funny about it. T he tells me I'm "insecure" and "jealous" and I have "nothing to worry about". Tell him "It's YOUR actions - texting her constantly without me knowing what you are saying, going out with her without me, not letting me become friends with her too, and needing to go to the hospital to see her alone - that are giving me something to worry about. If I have nothing to worry about, prove it. Take me to the hospital with you, introduce us, and let's all sit and talk so I can see that you are only friends." If he has nothing to hide, he should be open to that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 He's got the hots for her. You have to decide if you're willing to play second fiddle to her while he bakes her treats and runs errands for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unsure123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Share Posted May 30, 2014 Thanks for the feedback guys. A few points I forgot to mention of him saying when we were arguing... 1. "I'll tell you right now that if it was (his male best friend) I'd drop everything for him if he needed me, it makes no difference whether it's her or not" 2. While we were arguing he kept saying "what?" every time I spoke, as if he just wasn't listening to what I was saying 3. After we got off the phone he sent me a text that read something like "you need to think about what you want and come up with the right answer before talking to me again" to which I responded "don't threaten me like a coward through a text message" to which he responded "I'm texting you because you've wasted my afternoon off" When I kept trying to talk to him it was clear he wasn't listening and I kept asking him what he wants, and every time I did he said "I just want to go and get the ingredients for these cupcakes, and now I'm probably not going to have time because you're wasting it with this useless ****." They're all bad things to say to your partner right? He made me feel guilty for "wasting his afternoon off", why is it that talking to your gf wasting your time? I've said to him in the past that I feel like I come second best, to which he responds it's his profession, that he's so busy with clients all the time. I just don't know what to do, or how to approach talking to him, because everything I say is being irrational, apparently. NB: my bf is 22, I'm 24, and his boss is 32, if that helps paint a picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unsure123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Share Posted May 30, 2014 Sounds wrong to me. He placed her first. Going forward I will just offer one bit of information. Personal trainers are THE number one profession to cheat by a large margin. They are in a constant state of temptation. What makes you say that? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) 1. "I'll tell you right now that if it was (his male best friend) I'd drop everything for him if he needed me, it makes no difference whether it's her or not" 2. While we were arguing he kept saying "what?" every time I spoke, as if he just wasn't listening to what I was saying 3. After we got off the phone he sent me a text that read something like "you need to think about what you want and come up with the right answer before talking to me again" to which I responded "don't threaten me like a coward through a text message" to which he responded "I'm texting you because you've wasted my afternoon off" I think this is his way of telling you that even his friends come before you.I think this is his way of telling you that you are his lowest priority at the moment.He's being passive-aggressive little girl. When I kept trying to talk to him it was clear he wasn't listening and I kept asking him what he wants, and every time I did he said "I just want to go and get the ingredients for these cupcakes, and now I'm probably not going to have time because you're wasting it with this useless ****." Yes. Some girlfriend asking him for a date night is a huge waste of time with useless ****. Why is he going to waste his time with some third-wheel? Baking cupcakes for his inappropriate relationship with another woman is far more important than some stupid date night, clearly. I think what you're doing wrong is tolerating his behavior. I think you did the right thing by telling him that text message threats are unacceptable. I would also hope that some part of you understands the significance of major surgery. If his relationship with this woman was so innocent, he would have no problem being inclusive of you on occasion, rather than freak out. Edited May 30, 2014 by ThatMan phone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unsure123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Share Posted May 30, 2014 I would also hope that some part of you understands the significance of major surgery. Hugely! That's what I'm finding the biggest battle. Of course I'm empathetic of her situation... She's from the UK, and so she doesn't have any family over here in Australia. I feel like I'm being an ******* for carrying on this way because of the way this situation has played out and the fact that she is in hospital. He said to me yesterday "you need to stop being so selfish and just realise that there are people out there worse off than you who need help, not just some stupid dinner date". It made me feel like **** for acting this way. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 The wrong part is not taking you with him on the occasion it would have been appropriate to do so. He's not being totally honest. That said, she very well may be not respecting boundaries with every guy at the gym.... Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) What makes you say that? Statistics and numerous friends that are or have been in the training business. Cheating is rampant. I have been seeing personal trainers for a little over 10 years now. I have had about 20 trainers during that period of time. Every single one of them mentions it. Edited May 31, 2014 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Get out now or cry out later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBossMan Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Leave. Don't look for a better excuse, and don't wait to see if things get worse. And if you do wait, prepare yourself emotionally. I'm sorry, but it's definitely not going to end well. Your guy has no concept of appropriate boundaries, and that ALWAYS ends bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 When a man makes excuses for putting another woman first before you, it is a great clue that it is time to go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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