Dilemma! Do I or Shouldn't I

[vic2430]

Me and my wife have been married for about 9 years. The first 4 years have been good, we traveled a lot, went out to restaurants and etc. During that time we also found out that there were not too many things common between us, in terms of interests. But the relationship was not bad, we did not fight much and we learned to do our separate things.

 

Our sex life was non-existent since the marriage, she was of the opinion that sex is a duty that a wife needs to perform and she would do it even though she did not enjoy or care for it. This was a huge turn-off for me and I did not want to have Sex just for the sake of having it specially if she was not interested in it. I told her that I would not put her in a situation where she would be uncomfortable and I would wait for her to come around.

Otherwise we enjoyed each others company which included lots of kissing. We also bought a house together.

 

Another aspect I started finding out about my wife is that she depended on me to take initiative for most of things, be it - decorating the house, planning for a vacation, gardening, putting up pictures, choosing furniture, arranging the house and almost everything. She would however make sure that the dishes were done, laundry was done, house was reasonably clean and cook if I asked for something.

 

About 4 years ago – I had to go back to school while working full time. I was putting in 80-100 hrs per week between the school and work including weekends. This is when the problems started creeping up. I wanted her to take more initiative in running the household, make more decisions by herself. I realized that she had high anxiety levels and was so afraid that she would not do things right that she never attempted them. I was also expecting that with me being so busy that she would offer to help me or show some interest in what I was doing, but most of the time I was busy with my stuff and she was with hers. We started having more and more fights. We started living like roommates. I did my thing and she hers. As long as we did not talk too much or have expectations of each other, time just passed by. I could also never able to open my self emotionally to her, in terms of talking about the challenges I was having in grad school or at work or taking her advice on anything. She showed little interest in talking about my stuff or the advice or questions she had were so immature that I had no respect for her opinion.

 

Meanwhile our sex life has not improved much, she came around and we tried having sex but the experience was painful. Whatever I did, I could not get her to experience an orgasm and she could not get me to experience an Orgasm as well. She never experienced Sex or Oral sex before the marriage, so I encouraged her to discover herself sexually and read books see videos. She did for a while upon my repeated insistence but was never interested.

 

She however was really interested in having kids but the challenge we had was we were not sexually compatible at all and I doubted my own sexuality and if there was something wrong with me. For getting pregnant we resorted to artificial insemination for over a year with no success. My wife was getting very frustrated and disappointed due to peer and parental pressure. Frankly inside I was a little happy because I was not completely ready for Kids yet, I did not oppose though.

 

While all this was taking place I got close to a different person both emotionally and physically and for the first time experienced what a true and satisfying relationship I could be having. We talked and talked for hours and sex was great. I also understood that there was nothing wrong with my sexuality. Me and my friend knew the affair was wrong and that it did not have a future to it and what we had then was infatuation. This continued for about a year and we both put a timeline to stop our affair and go separate ways while staying friends

 

Within a few days of each other I received two life altering news.

1> Fertility doctor confirmed that due to pre-ovarian failure my wife can never have kids of her own. She was devastated.

2> My friend got accidentally pregnant.

 

While deciding to keep the baby or not my friend asked If I would leave my wife. I was in an emotional dilemma. In an argument with my wife about our marriage she said, She felt she was a failure because she could not have children of her own and if I also leave her, she does not have anything to live for anymore. I do care for my wife. She is a good person at heart and a nice human being. I could not abandon her at this stage of her life.

 

My friend decided to keep the child, she was approaching an age where the chances of having her own children with out high risk ware fast diminishing, She had been contemplating on having her a kid through sperm donation for a while. She said she would treat this as a sperm donation and not have any contact with me or me with the kid going forward. She told her parents that she was getting pregnant through sperm donation and seeked their help raising the kid. I did convince my friend to take my help while she was pregnant, which included ( shopping, decorating the room for the baby, cooking, researching names, finding Dr’s, taking her to the Dr’s, baby furniture etc)

 

Though we stopped our physical affair, my friend and I continued to talk a lot, her initial anger and resentment towards me came down. I had a deep sense of guilt of what I could not provide to her. I was also truly amazed and awed by her and how she was planning and preparing herself as a single Mother. After she had the baby she struggled a lot the first few month, I was traveling a lot for my job but kept in touch almost on a every other day and helped her however I could. My appreciation for her stated growing exponentially on how she was managing the kid and also how she was able to juggle between the kid and her high pressure job. I was constantly thinking about her and how she was doing and how the kid was doing. I got restless if I did not hear from her for an extended period of time

 

On my wife’s side – I told her about the Kid after he was born. I told her that my friend was seeking a sperm donation and that she asked me about it. The reason she asked me was that she wanted a guardian for the kid in case something happened to her, except for her older parents she did not have any other close relations. She feared that in case something happened to her after the kid was born the kid would go into child custody. She has me as the guardian of the kid if something happened to her. At the same time she did not want any involvement of me with respect to the kid.

 

I am not sure if my wife really believed what I said or she chose not to believe that I had an affair. There were multiple instances previously when she thought I was having an affair. I did promise her that I don’t intend on leaving my wife and divorce was far from my mind. I did not want to leave her in a depressed or suicidal state, but at the same time my mind with my friend.

 

After more research about her fertility we found out that she can get pregnant if she had an egg donor and she can get pregnant through an IVF. She wanted to get pregnant so bad that she was OK to go for an egg donor and was OK if the kid did not have here genes. She found a donor after couple of months and went ahead with the IVF and got pregnant. Our relationship did not change – we continued to live like roommates. We never have sex, though she tried coming to me, I lost all interest in sex with her. Sex was painful between us. Though in jest, she indicated to me multiple times that after the kid is born she is relieved that she does not have to feel pressured about sex and that she has the kid to spend all her time and energy on and not worry to much about me.

 

Also I have never been able to open to her to talk from my heart; she however tells me everything in her life, at work. her friends etc. We also did a compatibility test to see what interests we have in common. We found out that we did not have any common interests. We were however good roommates.

 

We had a beautiful kid couple of months ago but my mind was not in the marriage at all. I was feeling miserable; my mind was with my friend. I feel sorry for my wife – she is a good women but I don’t have any feelings for her, I haven’t had for a while. Till a few weeks ago, the idea of divorce did not cross my mind. Now I want it so bad.

 

 

 

I am in a dilemma – do I stick with a Women who needs me but there is no love between us ( neither physical nor emotional) and be miserable for the rest of my life or do I go to the women who wants me but not necessarily needs me. I strongly believe that my friend will take me back if I get out of the marriage but the window is fast closing.

 

I know I did stupid mistakes and because of some of the circumstances I dug myself deeper into an awful position. I love my friend; my heart and mind are with her. At the same time I have a responsibility towards my kids. What ever decision I make, one kid will be impacted more.

 

What options do I have?

[2sunny]

This is tragic.

 

All things considered - if it were me - I'd divorce. Mainly because living in a loveless marriage isn't living. Not only that but your lies and cheating added to killing what possibly could have been good.

 

It's a mess that's for sure - but maybe your W can move forward and find a more suitable man for herself.

[RonaldS]

There's a time and a place for divorce, and I believe this is it.

 

When there is total incompatibility, on numerous levels, AND you can't have kids, this stuff....hate to say it....just becomes a business decision, and the business is both of your lives. Once you do the cost/benefit analysis, realistically, what are the odds anything can be fixed. I mean, permanently fixed....not just better for a few months.

 

Then, we have the minor detail of you getting another woman knocked up.

 

That can be a good news/bad news thing, and there's no assurance that you will have with this other woman the relationship you lack with your wife. You DO have a big old drama-drama, but that doesn't necessarily equate to long-term relationship success.

 

Probably the best thing to do is end your marriage and commit TO YOUR KID. If the relationship with the woman grows, then great. But if you're going to leave your wife for anybody, you should be leaving her for your kid. Then, see what happens with the other woman.

 

I know this isn't great, Bible-y marriage advice, but it is probably what's best for all parties long-term.