When a man loves a woman

[BeautyInDisaster]

It's a good song but more than that it's a good philosophy. Not ready toshare my story but today is my first day of no contact. Well, I wouldn’t sayfirst. There have been many, many, many first days of NC over the last 14months, none lasting even 2 whole weeks before he reaches back out and pulls meback in. He’s the definition of persistence and tenacity. This is very sexy ina man, very soul destroying in a man that doesn’t really want you to be in hislife. But the songs, the romance, the messages, the phrases, the attention, thephone calls, the brief meetings, the compliments. If this were a normal man,those mediocre gestures would mean nothing. I apologize for my ramblings thisis more of a vent for me than anything. Also it will be something I can lookback at as a reminder, a rational point of reference in the weak moments that Iknow will follow. When you would give up everything for someone and it isn't reciprocatedits misery. I’ve read and researched everything I can to explain to myself somekind of logical reason I let this happen because I do know what “real” love is.I’ve read about affair bubbles, soul ties, sociopaths, limerance. Anything thatcould tell me that the way I feel isn’t real. But here is the simple truth ofit, the way I feel is real. I would do anything to be with the person I love.Up to this point, I’ve done some pretty unspeakable, awful, out of characterthings. But love doesn’t ask you to be something you’re not. Love is patient,love is kind, love is understanding. Love is simple. I’ve read thousands ofcomplicated stories of people who “want” to be together but the circumstancesare too complicated. Love isn’t complicated. I know real love; the painful partis admitting that…they don’t. That if they loved you they would move mountainsfor you. That if they wanted you in their lives you would be there. There wouldbe no excuse that couldn’t be overcome. It all boils down to I love and you don’t.That’s a painful, angry revelation to love someone more than they do you. Peoplecan change themselves but no one and nothing can do it for them. Soul mates,meant to be, true love. Those are excuse that they give, that we give ourselvesto justify the situation we’re in. To justify settling for less than wedeserve. The reason we place the most undeserving individuals on a pedestal. Areyou an intelligent, attractive, successful woman allowing yourself to be put inthis situation? Yep, you are sure. But the beautiful thing is that you don’t haveto. Take back your power. Love yourself more, they’re not ever going to.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Amen.

 

Love yourself, accept that sometimes another person won't in be way you need.

[BeautyInDisaster]

Thank you. NC day #3.

 

Me not contacting him isn't the hardest part. Although I do miss him and want to. The hard part comes when he eventually reaches out to me, always between day #3-#13. Ignoring is hard but then usually starts the threatening, demanding, blackmail, extortion, manipulation, bargaining. The worst though is when he reaches out in what seems to be pain.

 

This is why I've said it feels like this is some kind of stockholm syndrome, being in love with your kidnapper. I don't know how I let my life become a soap opera.

[whatatangledweb]

This is why blocking someone is important. He can't suck you back in if he doesn't have a way in.

[tornado]

Beautiful post, BeautyinDisaster, I love it.

[BeautyInDisaster]

Well, small part of my crazy back story is we've been involved on and off for over 20 years. Our whole relationship really has 5 different parts at different points in our lives. This is the first time in which I was full blown married when our involvement began though. 6 years ago before I was married he got my number through a lie he told a buddy of his. Not because I gave it to him. After a huge falling out between us all those years ago (another painful dramatic story), I changed my phone number after I started a relationship with my current husband because he continued to contact me after future H and I moved in together.

 

Fast forward 5 years, one husband and some kids later he contacted me on fb 15 months ago after about a month of messages, I did give in and give him my current number willingly and with the full knowledge that he is not the most stable indiviual. I was in the process of separating from my husband at the time but still I did resist his advances anyways. He was very agressive, I look back now and not to remove my responisbility but it feels like I was sought out and hunted. Eventually though I caved and fell for him again very much and a physical affair started and of course continued after I left my husband. I was told by fAP adamantly and vehemently that he was single in the beginning.

 

My cell phone carrier doesn't block numbers I've researched it. The company I work for carries my cell phone bill now. I can't change it. I could ask them to but that would be suspicious without a valid explanation? And then what would I tell my husband? The affair happened while we were separated. We had even filed for divorce but have since reconciled. I called off affair/relationship due to fAP's inability & continued excuses as to why he couldn't let me in his life after all that time had passed he had still not invited me to where he lived. Still to this day he has never explained or given me a REAL explanation. I can't tell you if he's telling the truth about what he said or engaged or married or anything really. I was done waiting for him & listening to the lies, I decided to TRY to save my marriage. Before I went back I made sure that it was clear that this was over between us. I'd really rather not go full disclosure with him seeing as how it is over and we're back together. My husband was also sleeping with other women but not until much later in our separation. And it would only hurt him to know how serious mine was. We live in a small town, very close mutual friends. It wouldn't be hard for fAP to find it out, avoiding him altogether is impossible. He's also told me multiple times that me changing it again won't stop him this time.

[Yasuandio]

A police report will stop it. But that would spoil all the fun, and end the novella. Right? Yas

[spiderowl]

I got chatting to a married man online. I don't usually, but he was funny and friendly. He was super intelligent and had strong opinions that I felt were interesting. I exchanged a few messages with him, always along the lines of I won't be meeting a married man. He still wanted to keep in touch as friends, but kept up a flirty undercurrent. He was really making and effort to be charming and flattering.

 

I really liked the sound of him. I liked his wit and intelligence. I liked his manner and his fun side. But I knew it wasn't right, I knew he was trying to cheat on his wife, who he claimed he loved but they lived separate lives. This guy was everything I wanted - except free.

 

Why was he trying to chat me up, making all that effort? Because he wanted it all - the wife in the kitchen and handy in bed when he felt like it, and the fun flirting naughty sex on the side. Nice for him, totally and utterly selfish of course. I suddenly stopped communicating with him. It was a waste of time, pointless, couldn't go anywhere except a painful dead end. These guys are on their best behaviour and out to win. They are hoping you won't see the down side of things.

Edited June 2, 2014 by spiderowl

[WasOtherWoman]

It's a good song but more than that it's a good philosophy. Not ready toshare my story but today is my first day of no contact. Well, I wouldn’t sayfirst. There have been many, many, many first days of NC over the last 14months, none lasting even 2 whole weeks before he reaches back out and pulls meback in. He’s the definition of persistence and tenacity. This is very sexy ina man, very soul destroying in a man that doesn’t really want you to be in hislife. But the songs, the romance, the messages, the phrases, the attention, thephone calls, the brief meetings, the compliments. If this were a normal man,those mediocre gestures would mean nothing. I apologize for my ramblings thisis more of a vent for me than anything. Also it will be something I can lookback at as a reminder, a rational point of reference in the weak moments that Iknow will follow. When you would give up everything for someone and it isn't reciprocatedits misery. I’ve read and researched everything I can to explain to myself somekind of logical reason I let this happen because I do know what “real” love is.I’ve read about affair bubbles, soul ties, sociopaths, limerance. Anything thatcould tell me that the way I feel isn’t real. But here is the simple truth ofit, the way I feel is real. I would do anything to be with the person I love.Up to this point, I’ve done some pretty unspeakable, awful, out of characterthings. But love doesn’t ask you to be something you’re not. Love is patient,love is kind, love is understanding. Love is simple. I’ve read thousands ofcomplicated stories of people who “want” to be together but the circumstancesare too complicated. Love isn’t complicated. I know real love; the painful partis admitting that…they don’t. That if they loved you they would move mountainsfor you. That if they wanted you in their lives you would be there. There wouldbe no excuse that couldn’t be overcome. It all boils down to I love and you don’t.That’s a painful, angry revelation to love someone more than they do you. Peoplecan change themselves but no one and nothing can do it for them. Soul mates,meant to be, true love. Those are excuse that they give, that we give ourselvesto justify the situation we’re in. To justify settling for less than wedeserve. The reason we place the most undeserving individuals on a pedestal. Areyou an intelligent, attractive, successful woman allowing yourself to be put inthis situation? Yep, you are sure. But the beautiful thing is that you don’t haveto. Take back your power. Love yourself more, they’re not ever going to.

 

The above is very true. My mantra is this "if you love me, SHOW ME". Forget the pretty words, the painting a beautiful future with words.... forget all of it and show me.

 

And if you WON'T (I don't accept the word "can't) then that tells me exactly how you feel about me.

[Got it]

I also wanted to comment, that if you listen to the words of the song it is very codependent with the guy. I bet the big picture of it, and I agree with WOW which was my stance, don't tell me show me. But the actual lyrics make me a little twitchy.