Another MIL Thread

[mercuryshadow]

My H and I were just married last weekend. If it was not totally apparent that she did not like me prior to our wedding, it became painfully apparent that day!! She had absolutely NOTHING to say to me, nice or otherwise. She came up after the ceremony and hugged her son (my H) told him how handsome he looked. She didn't hug me or congratulate us. She then proceeded to go on and on about how beautiful her granddaughter (our flower girl) was. (And btw, I wholeheartedly agree - I have a very handsome husband and an adorable niece). I am not someone who craves attention or needs to be in the spotlight all the time, but her coldness toward me, on our wedding day of all days, was so intense. My own M later told me that when she spoke with MIL, all she did was complain about how much of a hassle it was for them to come to our wedding. (wth?) FIL was actually pleasant with me, welcomed me to the family. That made me feel better.

 

 

We still had a lovely wedding - there was so much going on and so many people to talk to and catch up with that I was able to let it go. H and I went on to have a nice little four day mini-moon. It wasn't until the last night of our mini-moon that his mother's disapproval of me became even more apparent. I opened a card from her that was intended for my shower two months ago, which she could not attend due to living 5 hours away. It was colder than cold. She said nothing positive, only: "Sorry, but you live so far." And then signed her full name without any kind of warm closing sentiment. I started to cry- and asked my H what I had done to his M to make her dislike me. He acted totally dumbfounded at first, clueless... and eventually disclosed to me that while talking to his M the evening of our wedding, she had told him that she was "Upset to be losing him to me." Oh, and also that she'd hoped he'd never get married. Again, wth???? To be quite honest, for her to say that makes no sense. At most, she talks to him on the phone once or twice a week. She asks nothing of his life, but instead complains to him incessantly. She has taken virtually no interest in his life for about the past ten years. How could she possibly feel as though she was losing him?

 

 

My H has an abundant amount of unused vacation time - I've since encouraged him to take whatever time he needed in order to visit his parents. I've joined him in the past, but this time, he should go alone, as I'm sure they'd appreciate the time with just him (and also to preserve my sanity).

 

 

Vent over - thoughts welcomed.

[pink_sugar]

I have so many questions and not sure where to start! Well, lets go like this:

 

1. How have you dealt with your MIL before you married?

2. Did you rethink the marriage when this issue came up?

3. How is your husband taking care of this?

4. Lastly, why would you invite someone like this to your wedding? You don't need someone like this ruining your day. I would have eloped.

 

Your MIL is one of the worst I have seen. I mean, not even polite to your face? If your husband truly cares for you, he needs to handle this with his mother and basically tell her that if she cannot be polite to you then he will not be speaking or visiting with her. This really should have been resolved before you guys got married. My late MIL wasn't all that accepting before we married and she hardly even had her son in her life, but she also felt the need to tell him what he should and shouldn't do.

[lora22]

All I can say is, good luck, and I'm sorry.

 

Everyone will tell you that it is your husband's job to stand up to his mother and give her ultimatums. Very easily said, and not easily done. And while it would be really nice for him to stand up for you and confront her, telling her to straighten up or else he will never see or speak to her again is pretty unreasonable (even though she is a huge C U Next Tuesday), and also really unhelpful to you.

 

My in-laws still give H and me separate cards (and in fact they gave him one for our wedding, that was addressed just to him, and didn't even mention me/us), and they always sign their full names in their cards to me.

 

When we got married, there was no welcome to the family or congrats (of course, my parents said all those things to H); just "WOW your engagement ring looks so dirty next to your wedding ring".

 

I could go on

 

Don't take it personally; just be happy that she lives 5 hours away so you don't have to see her all the time. It is HER problem, not yours.

[mercuryshadow]

Thanks pink & lora! To answer your questions, pink:

 

 

1. How have you dealt with your MIL before you married?

Prior to being married, MIL was not as cold toward me. She was difficult in her own way, in that she would corner me and incessantly complain about her life, so I'd often find some way to "escape", or otherwise make sure that she and I did not have much alone time. However, my H was transparent with me about some things MIL did leading up to our engagement. Specifically, she tried to deter him from getting serious with me based upon some assumptions she made about me that were completely unfounded. At that time, H straightened these things out, but I believe she at least hung onto these ideas of hers, at least in her own mind. It wasn't until we got closer to our wedding date that she became increasingly cold toward me. Prior to that, I felt that we could at least have a cordial relationship.

 

2. Did you rethink the marriage when this issue came up?

To be honest, no. I feel as though they live enough of a distance away that they won't have a direct and incessant influence on us.

 

3. How is your husband taking care of this?

He makes excuses for his M. "She's losing it," is his favorite. While I clearly see that she's not really "with it" anymore, I don't think such coldness can exist unintentionally. He acknowledges her prior meddling, but again uses the excuse "She's nuts." He lets things go in one ear and out the other, things don't seem to bother him as much as they bother me. He also states that none of her behavior toward me is "personal", though I have a very hard time believing that.

 

4. Lastly, why would you invite someone like this to your wedding? You don't need someone like this ruining your day. I would have eloped.

I honestly did not realize the extent of her rudeness until very shortly before the wedding. It was important to my H to have his parents there, and his other close family. I had only hints of her negativity leading up to the wedding, mostly via email. She had made some very outrageous demands of my H and I in regards to the wedding, though she and FIL had absolutely no hand (financial or otherwise) in the wedding. I am thinking that it may in fact have been my "no" to her demands that sunk the final nail. She wanted to get ready in my dressing room - I told her that there simply would not be enough time or space, as I was already sharing it with my bridesmaids to get ready (and this was the truth). She was welcome to use the hall bathroom, as it had a lounge area, and was quite nice. She also wanted to have our photographer sit with her granddaughter and do a formal photo shoot at the wedding. I told her that I would ask, but did not feel that time would allow, as the day was quite regimented in terms of timelines. I believe she did not like being challenged. I was polite, and as accommodating as I could be. I made sure she had a special meal that would suit her dietary restrictions. I made sure she had the kind of corsage she wanted, etc. I also invited her and FIL to stay with us for a couple of days prior to the wedding, so that my H could spend some time with them. They chose not to. Anyway, the wedding was still beautiful and was not ruined, despite her negative attitude.

 

 

The IL's are supposed to be coming up again in a couple of weeks. I am not sure of the exact date because it is their habit to simply announce when they are coming, rather than ask if it works with our schedules. After MIL's coldness toward me, I am feeling very apprehensive about dealing with her in our home. I'm going to need to emotionally and mentally prepare for this. Work will serve as a welcomed reprieve...

[pink_sugar]

Thanks pink & lora! To answer your questions, pink:

 

 

1. How have you dealt with your MIL before you married?

Prior to being married, MIL was not as cold toward me. She was difficult in her own way, in that she would corner me and incessantly complain about her life, so I'd often find some way to "escape", or otherwise make sure that she and I did not have much alone time. However, my H was transparent with me about some things MIL did leading up to our engagement. Specifically, she tried to deter him from getting serious with me based upon some assumptions she made about me that were completely unfounded. At that time, H straightened these things out, but I believe she at least hung onto these ideas of hers, at least in her own mind. It wasn't until we got closer to our wedding date that she became increasingly cold toward me. Prior to that, I felt that we could at least have a cordial relationship.

 

2. Did you rethink the marriage when this issue came up?

To be honest, no. I feel as though they live enough of a distance away that they won't have a direct and incessant influence on us.

 

3. How is your husband taking care of this?

He makes excuses for his M. "She's losing it," is his favorite. While I clearly see that she's not really "with it" anymore, I don't think such coldness can exist unintentionally. He acknowledges her prior meddling, but again uses the excuse "She's nuts." He lets things go in one ear and out the other, things don't seem to bother him as much as they bother me. He also states that none of her behavior toward me is "personal", though I have a very hard time believing that.

 

4. Lastly, why would you invite someone like this to your wedding? You don't need someone like this ruining your day. I would have eloped.

I honestly did not realize the extent of her rudeness until very shortly before the wedding. It was important to my H to have his parents there, and his other close family. I had only hints of her negativity leading up to the wedding, mostly via email. She had made some very outrageous demands of my H and I in regards to the wedding, though she and FIL had absolutely no hand (financial or otherwise) in the wedding. I am thinking that it may in fact have been my "no" to her demands that sunk the final nail. She wanted to get ready in my dressing room - I told her that there simply would not be enough time or space, as I was already sharing it with my bridesmaids to get ready (and this was the truth). She was welcome to use the hall bathroom, as it had a lounge area, and was quite nice. She also wanted to have our photographer sit with her granddaughter and do a formal photo shoot at the wedding. I told her that I would ask, but did not feel that time would allow, as the day was quite regimented in terms of timelines. I believe she did not like being challenged. I was polite, and as accommodating as I could be. I made sure she had a special meal that would suit her dietary restrictions. I made sure she had the kind of corsage she wanted, etc. I also invited her and FIL to stay with us for a couple of days prior to the wedding, so that my H could spend some time with them. They chose not to. Anyway, the wedding was still beautiful and was not ruined, despite her negative attitude.

 

 

The IL's are supposed to be coming up again in a couple of weeks. I am not sure of the exact date because it is their habit to simply announce when they are coming, rather than ask if it works with our schedules. After MIL's coldness toward me, I am feeling very apprehensive about dealing with her in our home. I'm going to need to emotionally and mentally prepare for this. Work will serve as a welcomed reprieve...

 

This is challenging. While I can understand it might be easy for your H to just ignore her attitude and let it roll off of him, I still do not think you should have to put up with her rudeness when you do see her. I would sit down and discuss how you are feeling with your H about your inlaws visiting and come up with some sort of solution (whether it be them staying elsewhere or a way to handle her attitude towards you.) Either way, I definitely think your H needs to have a serious talk with your MIL about how she acts with you when she visits. Laying out some boundaries "Hey mom, we don't mind having you and dad over, but you need to treat "insert your name here" with respect and consideration. If you cannot do that, you will need to stay at a hotel". is definitely more than reasonable. When she does make comments to you that are rude and unjust, you can respond with comments like "I do not wish to discuss this with you" or "I do not appreciate you talking to me like that" and the like. You also need to assert yourself when she approaches you in a way that isn't rude, but gets the point across that you're demanding respect. But ultimately, your husband needs to have a discussion about how she acts to you when she visits.

[mercuryshadow]

This is challenging. While I can understand it might be easy for your H to just ignore her attitude and let it roll off of him, I still do not think you should have to put up with her rudeness when you do see her. I would sit down and discuss how you are feeling with your H about your inlaws visiting and come up with some sort of solution (whether it be them staying elsewhere or a way to handle her attitude towards you.) Either way, I definitely think your H needs to have a serious talk with your MIL about how she acts with you when she visits. Laying out some boundaries "Hey mom, we don't mind having you and dad over, but you need to treat "insert your name here" with respect and consideration. If you cannot do that, you will need to stay at a hotel". is definitely more than reasonable. When she does make comments to you that are rude and unjust, you can respond with comments like "I do not wish to discuss this with you" or "I do not appreciate you talking to me like that" and the like. You also need to assert yourself when she approaches you in a way that isn't rude, but gets the point across that you're demanding respect. But ultimately, your husband needs to have a discussion about how she acts to you when she visits.

 

 

 

Thanks again for your attention to my dilemma, and for your insight. I wholeheartedly agree. I am doing my best at this time to not turn H into my sounding board for venting my feelings about his M, because after the recent situations with her, I really don't have anything nice to say. I understand how that may cloud his ability to see clearly what is going on (i.e. if I turn into a negative force). As for their visit, I am going to try and have a discussion with him beforehand, so that we can (hopefully) agree upon some clear boundaries and expectations. I need to be able to feel comfortable (at least!!) in my own home.

[d0nnivain]

She sounds awful.

 

 

I remember her food issues. I'm assuming she found something to eat at your reception.

 

 

Although you will have to mentally prepare for this, kill her with kindness while she's in your home, especially in front of her son. Gush about how happy you are that she's there. Make her favorite foods. Stock up on what she likes to drink. Ask her lots of questions about herself. Compliment her. See if you can wheedle some agreed up girl time activity with her. I really bonded with MIL last time I was at her house because we got our nails done together.

 

 

Anyway, in the face of you being super sweet to her, if she is anything but gracious in return she will come across as more of jerk & your husband should be able to see that.

 

 

If that doesn't work, avoid her when possible & ignore her when you are forced to be around.

[mercuryshadow]

It's worth a try... a last ditch effort at this point. Thanks for the suggestions!

[jbelle6]

She does sound difficult. This is very common though. A lot of mothers feel they are losing their sons to the bride. Usually after marriage I think often the man starts to spend more time with the bride's family, at least that's what they think. The wedding makes those fears more real in a sense since she sees you saying no as you making all the decisions (rightfully so, it was YOUR wedding not hers) just some insight.

 

It's easy to just say that your hubby should stand up to her etc. But really? They live 5 hours away and I feel you catch more flies with honey. She IS his mother. Maybe because I have a son now I see both sides. My ex MIL was cold to me as well. I just don't think it's worth your guy taking sides and ruining his relationship with her, I think it will just make it worse.

 

I would make an effort to be the bigger person and try to warm things up with her and if she continues to be this way then you just have to keep the distance. I wouldn't cause any drama over it, people like that aren't worth it.

 

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this mean behavior on your special day. There is something about weddings that makes some people absolutely mental.

 

 

I wanted to add that it really made my husband respect me a lot when he started to see for himself how his mother treated me while I was nothing but sweet to her. I think that went farther than demanding he "do something". It made him decide we should spend less time with them instead of me dictating that.

Edited June 13, 2014 by jbelle6

[mercuryshadow]

She does sound difficult. This is very common though. A lot of mothers feel they are losing their sons to the bride. Usually after marriage I think often the man starts to spend more time with the bride's family, at least that's what they think. The wedding makes those fears more real in a sense since she sees you saying no as you making all the decisions (rightfully so, it was YOUR wedding not hers) just some insight.

 

It's easy to just say that your hubby should stand up to her etc. But really? They live 5 hours away and I feel you catch more flies with honey. She IS his mother. Maybe because I have a son now I see both sides. My ex MIL was cold to me as well. I just don't think it's worth your guy taking sides and ruining his relationship with her, I think it will just make it worse.

 

I would make an effort to be the bigger person and try to warm things up with her and if she continues to be this way then you just have to keep the distance. I wouldn't cause any drama over it, people like that aren't worth it.

 

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this mean behavior on your special day. There is something about weddings that makes some people absolutely mental.

 

 

I wanted to add that it really made my husband respect me a lot when he started to see for himself how his mother treated me while I was nothing but sweet to her. I think that went farther than demanding he "do something". It made him decide we should spend less time with them instead of me dictating that.

 

 

You are absolutely right. I've made a conscious decision to not throw fuel on the fire by indulging in her negativity. They will be here this weekend, and while I am feeling pretty stressed about it, I am going to do my be even-keeled and kind. Polite is never an issue, as I always am, even when she's not. I have a mental plan.

 

 

Just need to vent this: Since they will be with us for Father's Day, my mom and dad invited us all over to their place for a bbq. When informed of this invitation, MIL started with the complaints..."What if it's too hot? I don't want to sit outside", "What if it rains?", "Are we going to be stuck there all day???" I heard this while my H had her on speaker... initially, I was angry that she wouldn't see this invitation as a positive gesture, but instead had to make it all about her. Would it be out of line, that if when she begins to complain about going to this bbq in front of me (and I know she will), that I remind her that this is in honor of the dads, and that it is very kind of my mom to extend such an invitation to all of us so that we can spend this time together?

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

[pink_sugar]

You are absolutely right. I've made a conscious decision to not throw fuel on the fire by indulging in her negativity. They will be here this weekend, and while I am feeling pretty stressed about it, I am going to do my be even-keeled and kind. Polite is never an issue, as I always am, even when she's not. I have a mental plan.

 

 

Just need to vent this: Since they will be with us for Father's Day, my mom and dad invited us all over to their place for a bbq. When informed of this invitation, MIL started with the complaints..."What if it's too hot? I don't want to sit outside", "What if it rains?", "Are we going to be stuck there all day???" I heard this while my H had her on speaker... initially, I was angry that she wouldn't see this invitation as a positive gesture, but instead had to make it all about her. Would it be out of line, that if when she begins to complain about going to this bbq in front of me (and I know she will), that I remind her that this is in honor of the dads, and that it is very kind of my mom to extend such an invitation to all of us so that we can spend this time together?

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

 

No, it's perfectly reasonable for you to remind her. Have you discussed this situation with your husband? What's his take on this mess?

[mercuryshadow]

No, it's perfectly reasonable for you to remind her. Have you discussed this situation with your husband? What's his take on this mess?

 

Yes, we discussed it after he got off the phone with her. He gave me his usual eye-roll and said "You know, that's just how she is." It really doesn't bother him all that much, he just lets it all roll off his back. Considering that she sounds as if she will be in a hurry to leave the bbq, I've told him that I will take my own car, because I don't want to be forced to skip out on my dad for father's day. He expressed some upset over this (he believes it's a waste of gas to take separate vehicles) but I'm not sure there are any other viable options at this point. I can't force her to stay if she wants to get out of there, and I don't want to be forced to leave with her if she's unhappy at the bbq.

[pink_sugar]

Yes, we discussed it after he got off the phone with her. He gave me his usual eye-roll and said "You know, that's just how she is." It really doesn't bother him all that much, he just lets it all roll off his back. Considering that she sounds as if she will be in a hurry to leave the bbq, I've told him that I will take my own car, because I don't want to be forced to skip out on my dad for father's day. He expressed some upset over this (he believes it's a waste of gas to take separate vehicles) but I'm not sure there are any other viable options at this point. I can't force her to stay if she wants to get out of there, and I don't want to be forced to leave with her if she's unhappy at the bbq.

 

It sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable about this and willing to accommodate. (Taking your own car so you can stay longer if MIL wants to leave early). Your husband needs to be willing to divide time equally between both your families. If this issue continues between you and your H, I would seek a counselor to discuss how you can deal with these family dynamics together.

[jbelle6]

She's a real piece of work huh? You almost just have to laugh, from what you said she reminds me of the Grandma on Everybody Loves Raymond, just b!tching about everything the wife does. Loony.

 

I think it should honestly be your husband who says something about the BBQ if at all possible. If she complains, he should step up and tell her that since it's Father's Day your Mom wanted to do something nice for both Dad's and that it was very thoughtful of her to include everyone.

 

I know I said above that your husband shouldn't get in huge fights with her, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't say anything at all. When you have problems with his parents and something needs to be discussed it should be him to do it, if it's ever your parents, then it would be up to you.

 

Is she ever negative like this about other things or is she just this awful with you?

[mercuryshadow]

She's a real piece of work huh? You almost just have to laugh, from what you said she reminds me of the Grandma on Everybody Loves Raymond, just b!tching about everything the wife does. Loony.

 

I think it should honestly be your husband who says something about the BBQ if at all possible. If she complains, he should step up and tell her that since it's Father's Day your Mom wanted to do something nice for both Dad's and that it was very thoughtful of her to include everyone.

 

I know I said above that your husband shouldn't get in huge fights with her, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't say anything at all. When you have problems with his parents and something needs to be discussed it should be him to do it, if it's ever your parents, then it would be up to you.

 

Is she ever negative like this about other things or is she just this awful with you?

 

 

I would like for him to say something to his M if she complains about the BBQ again, but something tells me he won't. At least not at this point.

 

 

She's been negative all along, and incessantly complains about anyone or anything she possibly can... but it wasn't until just before our wedding that she became, in addition, noticeably cold toward me. I guess it became real to her at that point that her son was serious about me, and she felt "replaced", although as I said before, it doesn't make much sense because she hasn't had much to do with his life for several years. If they talk, it's because she feels like complaining to him (he even admitted this to me), and asks very little about happenings in his life. She/they are just very self-absorbed people. His F, at least, is somewhat pleasant and easier to get along with.

[mercuryshadow]

Well, they came Saturday and are still with us.

 

 

I was surprised when MIL greeted me with one of those "sideways hugs". It made me feel hopeful; maybe it was a good start.

 

 

However, after they got settled, the incessant complaining then began. H and I both work full time and had arrived home to greet them after attending a good friend's birthday dinner. We had cleaned house (vacuumed, dusted, made up their bed, etc.), but apparently not to her standards. She took every opportunity to pick things apart. She must forget what it's like to work as well as keep up with a house. I started to feel very drained after hearing this for close to two hours. I ended up excusing myself to run to the store (at 9pm) to buy a few things I needed to bake a dessert.

The next day, while making the dessert, she hovered over me. She interrupted what I was doing several times, for various silly reasons. She complained about our new table and server, pointed out her perceived imperfections. She told me that she had taken photos of all of our rooms (wth?!), which really irritated me because I wanted our bedroom to be "off limits". the door was kept closed for a reason. I didn't even know what to say to that... my H said, "She's crazy, just don't worry about it."

We went to my parents' house for Father's Day dinner. Things were going alright until dinner when she turns to my H and says: "You'd better watch she doesn't gain all that weight back." I've lost a bit of weight since H and I first started dating... once again, I didn't even know what to say. And the fact that H didn't say anything has me feeling rather annoyed. On the way home in the car she complained my ear off, as usual. And she then tells me that it looks like my hair is getting thin - um, what? My H looked and said, "No, Mom, it's her part..."

 

 

I am doing my best to be patient. I've also learned to tune her out pretty well. But if she starts with the insults or complaints again when I get home from work, I'm not going to let it slide anymore. My H keeps insisting to me that I should feel sorry for her, that she is losing her mind, but I don't think anyone could be so negative and insulting without realizing it.

[pink_sugar]

I think the biggest problem is that your H is letting this slide way too much. He needs to step up and say "Mom, we don't mind having you over, but you need to respect the way we run our household, which may be different than the way you run your household. This includes not doing XYZ while you visit. If you cannot respect our wishes, I will need you to stay at a hotel." You really need to get your husband to understand that this is not okay. If he refuses to listen, I would suggest MC so you can both develop a strategy to deal with this. Also the way she is talking to you is beyond inappropriate. At least your husband did speak up when she commented about your hair.

[mercuryshadow]

I think the biggest problem is that your H is letting this slide way too much. He needs to step up and say "Mom, we don't mind having you over, but you need to respect the way we run our household, which may be different than the way you run your household. This includes not doing XYZ while you visit. If you cannot respect our wishes, I will need you to stay at a hotel." You really need to get your husband to understand that this is not okay. If he refuses to listen, I would suggest MC so you can both develop a strategy to deal with this. Also the way she is talking to you is beyond inappropriate. At least your husband did speak up when she commented about your hair.

 

I agree, pink... he's being way too passive. Before they arrived, we talked. He assured me that he'd step in if she went out of bounds. After they arrived, it was a different story. As a matter of fact, he changed his tune about taking separate cars to my parents' house yesterday. For the sake of preserving time, I hopped in the car with the rest of them. I really resent the fact that I am dreading going home. His constant excuse is, "She's crazy." It's getting old.

 

 

Oh, and to top it all off, FIL is sick with a bad cold and is coughing all over the place. I catch things very easily, and we are due to leave for vacation next weekend. I am doing my best to wash my hands, take vitamins, etc... I DO NOT want to be sick on vacation.