Thoughts

[Greentriangle]

When I was a little girl 4 yo. my mom was dating another man in secret from my dad, she had asked me not to tell anybody. I always thought I was close to my mother and I kept her secret. We were close, then when I was 9, she met another man and started seeing him a lot. She would tell me and dad she wants to spend time with me and will stay at girlfriends house overnight. That was a lie, I would either go with her and sleep on couch as she slept with this other men, or we would go to her friends house and I would wake up in the morning to find out she wasn't there. Then, she asked me to lie to my dad. I remember my mom would let me play in the park while she and this man would stay in the car alone, I would come and say I'm tired but they would ask me to play some more. When I turned 14, my mom left for another country for three months but then stayed there, leaving me to live with my dad who was heartbroken and blamed me for hiding the truth about my moms lover. Mom and lover joined together abroad. I kept living with dad taking care of myself and starving from hunger. Dad was always away dating other women. Then, my moms first lover reappeared and became " friends" with my dad. This man sexually abused me when I was 14, and told me since my mom didn't love him, I should pay for her with my innocence. I was mortified. I was living alone and he would show up and molest me, I couldn't tell anyone. One day I had the strength to scare him off. Then, I moved to another country to join my mother and her new husband. This man that I knew from age 9 would call me curse words and ask me to undress for him so he would advise me on my body. My mom would be in the room but pretend she didn't hear. I was stuck in the house in suburbs without car or any way out. I also was worried for my little brother. My stepdad hated my brother and tried to choke him. He would tell us we owe him and we are worthless like our father.

So my little brother was having suicidal thoughts and I stayed to help him. I told my mom about molestation and rape that happened to me because that first man called her to be friends. My mom had no emotion and told me to forget about what happened to me. I felt she resented that I am a woman, I tried to cover up and not dress pretty, she would call me a slut.

Then I met my boyfriend on internet and moved out of that hell.

My mom kept calling me but I always felt criticized by her and nervous when she would visit.

Years later, my brother asked if he can move in with me and my husband. He lived with us for a while and went back to mom. Then I found out he did drugs and almost died from overdose. At the same time he met his future wife who came from troubled background. With the help of my mom and all of the family he was able to quit. Immediately after, he asked if he and his wife can stay with us to detox. They lived with us for two years not working. Once I got really sick, my brother became distant and left, they simply stopped talking to me and my husband and left to live with my mom. My mom spent all of her money helping them out and now they live with her and have a baby.

I feel so sad in my heart, once I got seriously sick I changed. I started thinking about my life for the first time. I learned to say no to constant requests for emotional dumpster from mom stepdad and brother. Now, my mom callers me most egotistical person on earth and tells me I should not have kids because something must be wrong with them since I am not ok psychologically...she is also totally financing my brothers life and is in debts because of his history.

[quankanne]

as much as this might hurt to hear it, it's okay to walk away from toxic relationships ... even if it's a close family member. Your illness sounds like a wake-up call to take care of YOU, and your mom sounds like she's upset because she no longer can treat you like a puppet.

 

cut off communication with her while you are healing, and only allow her back into your life if she starts treating you with respect. Because only then will you have any peace in your life, and sometimes, it's worth losing that relationship to live emotionally and mentally healthy.

[pteromom]

Now, my mom callers me most egotistical person on earth and tells me I should not have kids because something must be wrong with them since I am not ok psychologically...she is also totally financing my brothers life and is in debts because of his history.

 

She may have a point that you may not be OK psychologically. How COULD you be, after everything SHE has put you through! Enlisting you to help in cheating on your dad, and lying to him. Putting you in danger so she could have lovers. Ignoring your pleas for support after being molested.

 

She's a TERRIBLE mother. And I am sorry that is the person you got as a mother.

 

You need to distance yourself from her. You need to get into therapy with someone who can help you untangle the mess she made in your head. And then you need to move forward, have children, be a wonderful mother, and prove her wrong.

 

Be strong. She is only calling you "egotistical" because you aren't submitting to her. It's a great compliment, coming from her.

Edited May 30, 2014 by pteromom

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry. You and your brother have had a traumatic life. No wonder you are both unhappy and struggling. None of it was your fault. Your brother's problems are likely to be a result of him being emotionally and physically abused, as you were too.

 

Would you be able to get counselling, maybe from an organisation that helps survivors of abuse? I hope so. It's a lot to cope with. You've been so strong and courageous. You should have every respect for yourself and be proud of the way you have coped. I know that's no compensation for the hurt, but respect to you.

Edited May 30, 2014 by spiderowl