Thought processes of the MM

[Scarlet2]

Has any OW here had an A where the MM ended it before a DD could occur? And if so, how and why did he end it?

 

If a MM is reading this:

if you ended an A before a DD, how and why did you end it? Also, have you, the MM, had to take a timeout from the A, and if so why?

 

Also did you, the MM, ever miss your OW if she went NC or didn't have time for you, or what other reason did you miss her?

 

Did you ever feel torn on who you wanted to be with full time, your W or the OW, and how did you make your decision?

Edited May 30, 2014 by Scarlet2

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

What does DD mean?

[Scarlet2]

Oops, Dday, Discovery Day

[Realist3]

 

If a MM is reading this:

if you ended an A before a DD, how and why did you end it? Also, have you, the MM, had to take a timeout from the A, and if so why?

 

We have had several breaks mainly because of the stress of it all. I tried to end it once as did she. Didn't last long either time.

 

Also did you, the MM, ever miss your OW if she went NC or didn't have time for you, or what other reason did you miss her?

 

Never went NC, just LC. And yes, I missed her.

 

Did you ever feel torn on who you wanted to be with full time, your W or the OW, and how did you make your decision?

 

Sure! Made the decision together that we just aren't at that point yet. Too much family stuff to deal with.

[Scarlet2]

Realist3, in regards to the breaks, what helped relieve the stress? Was it the LC or just time apart or what?

[Waverly]

Has any OW here had an A where the MM ended it before a DD could occur? And if so, how and why did he end it?

 

Yes, my xMM did. I am NOT saying here that my A was better than any others; it was still an A, and still had all of the seamy characteristics of such. We lied, we snuck around, we cheated. Period. But -- and I know I sound like kind of an obnoxious broken record -- the A was always intended to be a means to an end. The feelings were there for years before the A started; the A itself was supposed to just be temporary until we got all the details sorted out about how to be together.

 

Ha. Yeah, turns out those details couldn't actually be worked out. We tried, but it just couldn't work. Distance, young kids, etc. That's the why. Neither of us wanted to be in an affair. It was messing with both of our heads even after a few months, but he was the one who actually ended it.

 

As for how? Well, that dragged out a bit. He ended it officially last fall. But even though it was technically "over", it wasn't really. It kept....on.....going. Painfully. Excruciatingly painfully. Around and around and around we went, talking every day about everything, my trying to hold on, him trying to pull away but never really following through. I was a mess, he was a mess, it was just generally sad and awful. Things got bad for him in his own life (no D-day, but he started drinking again after five years sober, he and his wife started having more problems, etc.), and eventually, he got the strength together to walk away. We've been NC for two and a half months or so now.

[Realist3]

Realist3, in regards to the breaks, what helped relieve the stress? Was it the LC or just time apart or what?

 

 

I don't think it relieved anything. As cliche as it may sound, it made it stronger.

[Poppy's sister]

Realist3.

..hope it's ok to ask, but where are you now? Still in affair?

I am so muddled and a mess at moment

As answer to original post

..no we have never ended it even after dday.

But I think about it daily.

I long for peace in my head and heart but still have the what ifs...do we all struggle with the same demons?

I know I miss my ap dreadfully at weekends as we now have n/c then

He says he still thinks about me and misses me and thinks about the what if and how could we etc alk the time

But bottom line is he has chosen to stay married... For kids, money, lifestyle etc.

I think women process it differently... Low contact or a break would freak me out.

My ap hates not hearing from me even for a few hours yet seems too deal with no contact at weekends ok.

..

[Realist3]

Realist3.

..hope it's ok to ask, but where are you now? Still in affair?

I am so muddled and a mess at moment

 

..

 

Still in it.

[Scarlet2]

Poppy's sister, I have NC with my MM on weekends too. He never tells me if he's thinking about me, although I wish he would. During the week, we are extremely LC almost NC so it freaks me out and leaves me confused as to how he's able to deal with it so easily. I would like it to turn out like Realist3 where the breaks or silence makes it stronger.

 

If my MM wanted to end it, I hope he would tell me and not let me figure it out with hints because if we're already not talking or seeing other frequently as it is, how am I supposed to know the difference between a timeout or a breakup?

 

Sometimes I feel our breaks are because he's torn between me and his W. I want to give him his space to think, but then I feel if I do that, will he think I'm not interested in him and gravitate more towards his W again?

[Poppy's sister]

Hi Scarlett

How long have you been in your affair ? And has it always been like this ?

I am sorry but from what you say your AP is not as involved as you.

Such low contact implies he sees it as a conveinient dalliance and you sound more involved than him.

I have been in a very intense love affair for 18 months, followed by 16 months post d day affair which is definitely different.....I cannot describe the utter hell this is ....

Please think carefully , and ask yourself what you want out of this affair.

I am not going to tell you to end it , I am sure others will do that for me.

But I am going to tell you that you need to get clear with this man what he sees the relationship being and what you see it as.

If you want it to be a love affair with a future together .....and he sees it as convenient FWB s then you are heading for the worse heartbreak you can imagine.

You need to talk to him.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Poppy's sister, I have NC with my MM on weekends too. He never tells me if he's thinking about me, although I wish he would. During the week, we are extremely LC almost NC so it freaks me out and leaves me confused as to how he's able to deal with it so easily. I would like it to turn out like Realist3 where the breaks or silence makes it stronger.

 

If my MM wanted to end it, I hope he would tell me and not let me figure it out with hints because if we're already not talking or seeing other frequently as it is, how am I supposed to know the difference between a timeout or a breakup?

 

Sometimes I feel our breaks are because he's torn between me and his W. I want to give him his space to think, but then I feel if I do that, will he think I'm not interested in him and gravitate more towards his W again?

 

This is exactly the torture I went through. It made me over contact my xMM. Which made him pull away more. I couldn't stand it. I was upset constantly.

[Poppy's sister]

I cannot imagine such low contact.

I know what it means ...I think the differences between men and women are most pronounced when we start discussing communication in an affair.

Reading this today has been good ( as I am having a bad bad day) ...my AP is by his own admission emotionally unavailable, he also though does try very very hard to meet my need for more emotional outpourings....and in return I try to be calmer and not react or over react.

 

From what many say on here , their APs just don't need to communicate or don't care about their need for communication.

 

My AP often says the biggest problem is not being able to spend time togther , we don't come home to each other, we don't get to make up if a txt has been misunderstood , or to kiss each other in the morning and say lets talk over dinner tonight....and there lies the rub of affairs, the huge capacity for misunderstanding , mis communication and hurt.

 

The only way is to ask directly....not just of them, but of yourself....what can you put up with ...it is very hard....because I know I don't want to jeopardise what I have with him , by asking for something . However what I said to my AP recently is this : you want a relationship with me, but you also want a relationship with your wife , therefore you have a responsibility to both of us. Just as I have a responsibility to you and to my husband. If we are both equal in this then we are both allowed to ask questions and recieve honest answers.

 

But of course you have to be prepared for the answers

[Popsicle]

Sometimes they want to but can not communicate more due to the circumstances.

[movingon45]

Oh the second guessing. This is why I finally just ended my A even without DDay. It's just so difficult to know for sure what's on their mind and what their intentions are. Enough of second guessing for me. I can always ask and he'll tell me the truth, but re his feelings he said that he doesn't have to so he doesn't. The closest was "you'll always have a part in my heart" when I told him to stop texting. Oh and of course the I miss you here and there.

 

I think that men are just so good at compartmentalizing.

[Brokenlady]

This whole thread makes me sad. I used to spend do much time worrying about what was going on in his head and trying to read the tea leaves that I completely lost focus on my feelings and my life and that made it so easy for him to manipulate me. This isn't healthy....

[Scarlet2]

I am indeed worrying a lot lately, mostly due to the fact that we've been on a timeout for the past month and a half because he said he has some things to work out and family issues but he doesn't elaborate further. He asked me to be patient, everything will work out and we'll spend more time together and I said okay, I'll wait and he thanked me for being understanding.

 

We've texted sporadically during the timeout and the last time I saw him was about 11 days ago but it was only for like five minutes, and he seemed happy to see me and even told me it's been rough being separated, but then today I tried to see him in passing again and it felt like he heard me talking to someone and deliberately went another way to avoid me. I sent a text asking if something is wrong but he didn't respond but that's normal for him to not reply so I have no way of knowing if he's ignoring me or being "normal".

 

We've never had any fights or disagreements so I don't know what's going on or why he would be mad at me unless it's because his anniversary is coming up or maybe he's feeling regret. If he wants it to end, why not just tell me? Why are his words putting me on hold but his actions are the reject button?

 

I want to tell my MM I'm feeling so much anxiety right now just to get some type of resolution or reassurance because maybe I am over reacting but I was talking to my exbf and he said to leave it alone, that if my MM wants to talk to me he will and I should just let him come to me on his own from now on. I agree with that but it's so hard to just sit back and do nothing.

 

I was all prepared for it ending by being discovered because everyone says it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when, but we haven't had a Dday and I'm totally not prepared for the other ways it could end. Seriously, is he behaving this way so that I'll end it for him? Maybe he wants me to go ballistic so that we ARE discovered? I'd really like to know other ways a MM ends the affair if there wasn't a Dday because this is driving me more crazy as each day passes...

 

I'm trying to take what he said to me at face value but it's difficult when it just doesn't add up, especially after today, ugh.

[Popsicle]

Men have a tough time ending things. Often their way of ending it is to just disappear. Now I don't know if this is happening to you but it is a possibility.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Wow. This sounds hard. Your exbf is right. He has your number, if he wands he will call. But if you really feel distraught you can contact him and find out what is up, if he doesn't respond, then you will eventually have to let go.

 

 

I am indeed worrying a lot lately, mostly due to the fact that we've been on a timeout for the past month and a half because he said he has some things to work out and family issues but he doesn't elaborate further. He asked me to be patient, everything will work out and we'll spend more time together and I said okay, I'll wait and he thanked me for being understanding.

 

We've texted sporadically during the timeout and the last time I saw him was about 11 days ago but it was only for like five minutes, and he seemed happy to see me and even told me it's been rough being separated, but then today I tried to see him in passing again and it felt like he heard me talking to someone and deliberately went another way to avoid me. I sent a text asking if something is wrong but he didn't respond but that's normal for him to not reply so I have no way of knowing if he's ignoring me or being "normal".

 

We've never had any fights or disagreements so I don't know what's going on or why he would be mad at me unless it's because his anniversary is coming up or maybe he's feeling regret. If he wants it to end, why not just tell me? Why are his words putting me on hold but his actions are the reject button?

 

I want to tell my MM I'm feeling so much anxiety right now just to get some type of resolution or reassurance because maybe I am over reacting but I was talking to my exbf and he said to leave it alone, that if my MM wants to talk to me he will and I should just let him come to me on his own from now on. I agree with that but it's so hard to just sit back and do nothing.

 

I was all prepared for it ending by being discovered because everyone says it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when, but we haven't had a Dday and I'm totally not prepared for the other ways it could end. Seriously, is he behaving this way so that I'll end it for him? Maybe he wants me to go ballistic so that we ARE discovered? I'd really like to know other ways a MM ends the affair if there wasn't a Dday because this is driving me more crazy as each day passes...

 

I'm trying to take what he said to me at face value but it's difficult when it just doesn't add up, especially after today, ugh.

[herself]

This question is coming from a soft place and I'm asking it gently and not based on morals...but...would you feel so good to tell him you've decided this is done for you.

And really mean it. For you?

He holds all the power while you wait on the sidelines.

I feel it's hurting you and causing you self esteem issues and anxiety and he doesn't have enough concern for your feelings to assure you by answering a text.

His action is rejection and he wasn't stand up enough to close the door and make a stand.

Close it for him. Then block his text and emails and get out for walks on your breaks, journal, apply for jobs, just get back to you.

Say it simply, "I'm done, please don't contact me".

Do not walk anywhere in his vicinity, change everything you do now. You only get one life, make it about you now, because right now, he's focused on HIMSELF and his wife and kids.

 

How is that fair to you. Start to see him as old news. Get mad and reclaim your life. He is wasting your precious time.

Turned around and went the other way to avoid you? And your waiting on him? That shoulda been the LAST straw. He did you a favor! Chin up, end it.

[Scarlet2]

It makes sense, Popsicle. Just like they can't end it with divorce so they cheat. I wish men could divorce as easily as they can disappear on us.

 

I hope he's not disappearing though. I've known him for almost 10 years, he's always been there for me, always cared about me. He knows I hate when guys treat girls like a55holes so I hope he wouldn't do that to me. But then again I never thought he'd cheat on his wife but he picked me, like that makes it's right *sarcasm*

 

I know I should have said "ask me when you're divorced" but I thought it would work out because he's my best friend. I didn't mean to cause all this turmoil.

 

I agree ConfusedMarriedOW, I will have to let go eventually if it doesn't improve.

 

herself, I'm heading that way. I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt right now though. If I receive another excuse or get disrespected again, I think I will end it for him.

 

I really appreciate everyone's replies because this is always a topic you can't talk to just anyone about...

 

And now with all this time to think, I remember him saying he felt concern about how I'd be able to handle this arrangement especially if there are breaks that could go on for month(s), maybe he's testing me since this is the first time we've been apart this long? I can tell him right now I'm failing... I didn't agree to this...

[SoftViolin]

I think they don't end anything, so that the door may remain open. If it's you and not him, who pulls the plug - well, the door is still open on his end. He doesn't end it, because he has you worried, waiting, believing, happy when he will come back or decide to pay attention to the relationship again. It feels like love, but is it really? Love is kind, and treatment like that isn't kind.

 

You seem like a very mature and thoughtful woman, who is caught (like many of us here) in a tough situation. It just takes a bit of time to realize that the excuses we make for their behavior are just that - excuses, and to break free.

[Nothisgirl]

It makes sense, Popsicle. Just like they can't end it with divorce so they cheat. I wish men could divorce as easily as they can disappear on us.

 

I hope he's not disappearing though. I've known him for almost 10 years, he's always been there for me, always cared about me. He knows I hate when guys treat girls like a55holes so I hope he wouldn't do that to me. But then again I never thought he'd cheat on his wife but he picked me, like that makes it's right *sarcasm*

 

I know I should have said "ask me when you're divorced" but I thought it would work out because he's my best friend. I didn't mean to cause all this turmoil.

 

I agree ConfusedMarriedOW, I will have to let go eventually if it doesn't improve.

 

herself, I'm heading that way. I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt right now though. If I receive another excuse or get disrespected again, I think I will end it for him.

 

I really appreciate everyone's replies because this is always a topic you can't talk to just anyone about...

 

And now with all this time to think, I remember him saying he felt concern about how I'd be able to handle this arrangement especially if there are breaks that could go on for month(s), maybe he's testing me since this is the first time we've been apart this long? I can tell him right now I'm failing... I didn't agree to this...

 

WHOA! If this is how he treats his friends I'd hate to see how he treats his enemies :/!!.

 

This doesn't sound like a loving A, it sounds like you're purely there for his convenience I am angry for you!!! I'm so sorry he is messing with your head like this please find the strength to walk away, we are here to support you

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Sigh. This is exactly what I was saying in my "failing to be a good mistress" thread. This sense of failure when you can't handle the off times with Grace and silence. I say this..if you finally get to a point of where this connection is making you sad then maybe perhaps you finally have hit YOUR wall regardless of what he warned you of. If this is a test, then all I can say is that this evil to test someone. What would be the point? I just don't believe it is a test, I think he is either sincerely busy or he is pulling away because he can't man up and tell you what he is really doing. My xMM dropped off the face of the planet when I pressured him, so I know that technique doesn't work, but you have the right to know answers or at least pay attention to your own limits. Good luck.

 

 

It makes sense, Popsicle. Just like they can't end it with divorce so they cheat. I wish men could divorce as easily as they can disappear on us.

 

I hope he's not disappearing though. I've known him for almost 10 years, he's always been there for me, always cared about me. He knows I hate when guys treat girls like a55holes so I hope he wouldn't do that to me. But then again I never thought he'd cheat on his wife but he picked me, like that makes it's right *sarcasm*

 

I know I should have said "ask me when you're divorced" but I thought it would work out because he's my best friend. I didn't mean to cause all this turmoil.

 

I agree ConfusedMarriedOW, I will have to let go eventually if it doesn't improve.

 

herself, I'm heading that way. I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt right now though. If I receive another excuse or get disrespected again, I think I will end it for him.

 

I really appreciate everyone's replies because this is always a topic you can't talk to just anyone about...

 

And now with all this time to think, I remember him saying he felt concern about how I'd be able to handle this arrangement especially if there are breaks that could go on for month(s), maybe he's testing me since this is the first time we've been apart this long? I can tell him right now I'm failing... I didn't agree to this...

[Popsicle]

Honestly, if I were you, I'd assume he's not coming back. I say this only because it gives you something he is not giving you, closure. If he comes back, let it be a surprise.